bloody hell...i hv to keep motivating myself

In the beginning, life is all about "positive experiences".....when I think of all positive feelings - security, sense of belonging, undiluted love, achievement, clear headedness - I realise that I got acquainted with all these in my childhood itself.

And then, slowly...quietly, life kept throwing the negatives my way. There was grief ....heartbreak.....disillusionment....insecurity.....confusion.....lack of achievement.......as life goes on, I keep getting acquainted with these feelings one by one. During these times, the pain is immense, but then as I emerge out of the cloud, I realise it is an "experience", it is something that takes me further along my goal of being a better, stronger person.

Am I again rationalising the negative? Doesnt matter. What matters is the end result - that I remain positive.

What if this process had been reversed? Would I have been able to hold on to a positive value system? I am very thankful to God/fate/destiny etc etc, that I dont have to answer this question.

Ramblings

This is Friday night of undoubtedly one of the worst weeks ever (work wise)...hectic workschedules, a hyper boss, a sarcastic super boss, lack of sleep, and bad eating habits, and absence of support systems like unni....all contributed.
As i am too exhausted, will just post extracts from one or two mails I wrote this week:

"This week is getting steadily worse.....yesterday, I nearly blew up at my hysterical boss......am giving it one more chance today....am really in a mood to just blow up, but i keep calming myself down......the worst part is, nothing I do is appreciated....for so many weeks, I was wracked with so many questions n self - doubt, to which I had no answers....and hence spent many days in agony........but yest, after 2/3 harsh incidents, came to the conclusion that I cant blame myself for everything.....

As it is, I am hardly communicating nowdays (except with you)......thank god i am not married etc, else I wld really have a real problem on my hands! I dont think I am made for marriage....for one, I want to do too many things in life and dont want to be constantly taking into consideration a "life partner", neither am i the type of person who wld just go ahead and live the way i want to, let the relatioship suffer.......i believe in making things work, and that goes for relationships......if I put it in typical "office style" terms - I dont have the bandwidth to take on critical things....I dont believe in doing things for the sake of doing it, and I wont take on things I cant do justice to"

"i am so sleepy.....left at 12 last night and came back at 9.....but whats the piont of working hard if it is still thought that i dont? I might as well prove them right. but somehow, am unable to bring myself to reach that point. my tenure here is a struggle to hold on to my sense of self, and the values n beliefs I have. I think thats essentially the struggle of life. I hope I hv been successful so far. I hope I wl continue to be."

Whats to look forward to? MOVIES!!!! 4 of them.......hallelujah!

Questions at work

This was Unni;s response to my description of the self-doubt I often feel now at work.

Creep.


Leo Employee Profile

Leo workers want to be first and at the center of the office.Even if they
can't lead, they'll look for every opportunity to increase their own status
-- and if someone else seems ahead of them, look out. They will make it
clear that they aren't happy by pouting and complaining. They want
advancement so much that they'll take on more responsibility and carry a
heavier load than anyone else does in the office. And they are
self-promoters. It is likely that they are telling everyone in the office
what a great job they are doing as well as giving everyone unwanted advice.

They know they are superior and want everyone to know it
as well. This arrogance can sometimes cause problems
when working with management. But typically, they are just
hard workers out to demonstrate just how good they really are.

They thrive in sales positions - they can promote a product
or company just as well as they promote themselves.

Their strength and arrogance isn't just show either. In a crisis
situation, Leos really demonstrate their true courage.

Leos want to lead and will be pushing for more responsibility
and rewards. They are happy to train and mentor new co-
workers as they enjoy giving advice and being in positions of
authority.

If you are trying to manage a Leo employee, you'll need to
give them plenty of praise, responsibility, and independence.
They will certainly want to help lighten your load of manage-
ment responsibilities. Just be careful- the next thing you know
they could be taking over your job.

Thoughts that cram the mind

I have just been to 2 blogs, both throwing up issues that struck a chord.

An old man in Eric's class....the fragility, the feeling he evokes-similar to that of a lost puppy.

There are such people you meet - old, fragile, dependent - emotionally, physically, and the worst, financially. And naturally their dependence causes them to be treated more callously, or worse, ignored.
And it kills me.
When I see an old woman, leaning on her stick, quiet as she looks out at the world - it kills me. Why should someone with a lifetime (literally) of experience, thoughts n emotions in her, be quiet? Who silenced her? Unfortunately, that answer is mostly all too evident as you look at her children.
Thats one of the reasons why I sympathise less with my colleagues'/friends' grouses with their families n parents. All said and done, however unhappy you are, however badly you (think) you have been treated, at least you have yr health n 2 hands with you - you have a life ahead of you which u can build. An escape.
For the old n tired, the betrayals are that much harder, considering there;s not much time to look forward to. But they cope. And they cope better than the so-called healthy youth, most of whom moan and escape into therapy.

Second was on love - or rather, falling in love (I very distinctly separate the two - loving someone and being in love with someone are two entirely different ballgames). Why do we torture ourselves? But DO we torture ourselves? Eric (another one) is going hammer n tongs for this guy who is plainly good natured but self centred and intends to use Eric as a convenient devotee. But is he totally to blame? I somehow cant let go of the feeling that too much good in one brings out the evil in others. To do a crude extension of Adam's Invisible Hand theory, there has to be some evil in us that will keep the evil in others under check. Else, there is polarisation - there is a "Good" and a "Bad", and there is unhappiness and injustice. Go back to all the people u think are the sweetest n the most sensitive - prod further and you will hear a story/stories of terrible injustice n unhappiness they had gone at the hands of another. My personal take is that if u r too sweet n willing to take that extra step, u arouse people's bullying instincts. Or get used, as Eric is.

And yet, knowing all this, I will still do the same foolish things that I did before and got my ass kicked.
Bloody fool

Causing hurt

Shruti Dikshit just mailed me. She's got hold of some mail I wrote in Polaris in which I hv clubbed her with a group and spoken rather disparagingly about them. Naturally, she;s upset but was decent enuff to tell me about it.

My reaction to her :

Yo!!!

(a) god knows where u got this from. I dont remember even writing this....but the beginning and end sounds like me, so wont doubt the authencity....however, not knowing where this came from, maybe u could check the veracity of the exact words and that they hvnt been tampered with. the overall mail is definitely mine.

(b) I was certainly upset n disappointed by a lot of ppl there (and I had even spoken to u abt the depression I feel abt HR there) . this was mainly colored by namita and my impressions of her. and frankly, before I got to know u better, everyone else in that group - u, sonali, aditi - was associated with her. and again frankly, as far as ppl like sonali are concerned, these impressions didnt change. Thats the "grouping" part

(c) U as an individual I have liked (always) and respected (when I got to know u better). This is a fact, and u may choose to believe me or not. Thats up to you. But what do yr instincts say? Even rationally speaking, werent my feeling towards ppl I didnt like very evident - namita, poonam etc, even to an extent sonali?? Did u ever feel that with me? I cant prevent my feelings to show on my face, and u hv seen those expressions! Did u ever see that expression around you???

Again, I am not sure where u got this mail from. The mail is mine, but I am not sure of the words.
If u really want a defence, speak to Shweta Mishra, who I believe u interacted with in HCL. She;s my colleague here and naturally the first thing we spoke about was you. I didnt have anything negative to say about you.
But defence is nothing. Like accusations, defence can also be tampered with. Hence, I request you to go entirely by your instincts. In my experience, our instincts are right in 9 out of 10 cases.

I know that this mail would have been hurting. And I dont blame you for disliking me at this point. And I wont blame you either if u choose not to believe me. But please dont carry this in your heart, because you, after all u hv been thro at psl, dont deserve this.

And thank you for immediately reverting to me, rather than keeping it to yourself.

You may choose to reply or not.

Always

Sudeep

The sheer thought of another person (who I genuinely like) being hurt n upset is terrible. And when the source of that pain is me, I am consumed by sadness and guilt.

The Blurred Lines

Gangajal, the latest “realistic” fare to come from the art cinema turned commercial director, Prakash Jha, turned out to be thought provoking, literally.

Set in the interiors of Bihar, the film effectively captures the stench of corruption and terror that pervades the environment. A quietly courageous SP, recently posted there, unwittingly sets in motion a sequence of events that result in a group of young police officers using acid and stilettos to blind and maim 2 hard core criminals. This weapon, ironically called “gangajal” (which is water from the holy river of Ganga) acquires immense popularity amongst a population that suffers daily under the hands of criminals/politicians/police officers.

Not only did this acquire popularity in the fictional population of Tejpur, it drew cheers from the audience of thousand-odd that were gathered in the movie theatre. As the scale and intensity of brutalities steadily increased on screen, so did the crescendo of cheers and laughter in the hall. It was as if the anger and frustration of the mobs on screen connected with the spark of violence that resides within each of us, igniting it and drawing appreciation and comradeship in the acts of horrific brutality that were being committed. On screen, the lines between good and evil rapidly blurred. And in reality, it took just a 150-minute film to blur the lines between sanity and insanity, to transform the “family crowd” into a mob frothing at the mouth, seeking blood.

Everyday we live at the mercy of this precarious balance. Whether it is the French revolution centuries ago, or the recent Gujarat riots, the disturbance of this balance promises horror – a glimpse of which was seen in the theatre, the promise of which we see whenever that rush of blood to our heads causes mental and physical pain to someone else. Unfortunately, that seems to happen all too often.

A week rushes by and I am an year older

Rush,rush....so crooned Paula Abdul....and rush, rush....so I moan.

The birthday was one of the most uneventful ever.....my low key approach was quite successful this year (for a change) and celebration consisted of drinks n dinner with Darshan (3 Ds!) at Geoffrey's.
No gifts, though. Unni was suitably annoyed at what he calls an entire lack of enthu n imagination in my Blr friends!

The tension of preparing for the Cmty launches got over. they finally happened. and they happened well. got some appreciation, at last!

Life promises to be as irritatingly work oriented n exhausting for another 2/3 weeks at least. Many fires to fight.

Hvnt been to my fav blogs in a while - the 2 Erics, James, Nell.....what are they upto???!!!! Shall try to answer those questions tonite.

where are you?

where are the people I want the most in this state of mind, during this state of affairs?

Sitting on the airplane, looking at the moonlit clouds outside, I am wracked by sudden emotion. Is anybody there? No.
Then why do I myself and the world a disfavour by calling these people my closest ones, my support system etc etc. True, the very thought of them gives me strength. But shd it always be restricted to thought?

And I think all this. Yet, it doesnt matter. I am as much in love as I was before. I am consumed, possessed. What I think doesnt make an iota of difference to what I feel.

Run Lola Run

I hvnt seen the movie yet, but it looks v interesting.
Unfortunately, there are lots of movies like that nowdays. This shd not become a regular practice.

Which brings me to what I want to say - who am I running for?
I am running for 12/14 hrs everyday. And
- my immediate boss/es arent happy - Lakshmi n Girish - things are NOT proceeding fast enough
- my management rep isnt happy
- my Ops Mgrs arent happy
- my people dont see much of me (they dont hv too many expectations from me, which is worse than being unhappy with me)
- my close ones are not happy - forget seeing me, they hardly hear fr me
- and I certainly am not happy - this is not me.

So who am I running for?

SO MUCH

There's SO MUCH to do right now, that I intimidate myself.

Content wise - hectic, tiring, but not so bad.
Communication wise - not so good.

Once again, I surprise myself. And not a very pleasant surprise, either.

From the blog geckoblue, who, while being a bit militaristic, does make some good arguments sometimes.

Below is his blog :



Friends With Benefits
Maybe someone can explain to me, rationally, the straight case against gay marriage.

The statements I've seen thus far have been rather vacuous, characterized more by well-I-just-think-it's-wrong dismissals than serious, thoughtful misgivings. Others put forward self-contradicting arguments that are absurd on their face, unwittingly making the case for gay marriage while underscoring the writer's own ignorance.

Here's what you commonly hear once you get the detractors to cease their frantic, seething, hair-pulling, Bible-thrusting frenzy and articulate their reasons for opposition:

Marriage is an institution between one man and one woman.

A non-argument. Simply re-stating the current definition of marriage does nothing to justify its exclusiveness.

It denigrates the institution of marriage.

I fail to see how husband and wife, upon hearing that the gay couple down the street just got hitched, will subsequently flush their rings down the toilet and call it quits. How does the prospect of someone else getting married make yours any less meaningful? And how does the idea that others can get married make it a less attractive option for men and women who love each other? Another non-argument.

Marriages are for ensuring the continuation of the species.

No, procreation is for ensuring our continuation, and I think nature has that part set on auto-pilot. I've seen some strange arguments against gay marriage, but I don't think even the most extreme conservatives would argue that gay marriage will cause people to stop fucking.

But marriage IS for procreation.

Wow, really? They should require fertility tests, then, when straight people apply for marriage licenses. And no old people, either. They need procreation like they need to be behind the wheel of a car.

Slippery slope: People will want to marry children.

There is an entire body of national and state law that states children do not have the right to make adult decisions until, well, they become adults. Those laws have never been eroded, and they won't be invalidated by gay marriage either.

Slippery slope: People will marry their dogs!

Riiight. Allow consenting adults to marry, and suddenly there will be no defense against inter-species marriage.

This is a silly, flailing argument that nevertheless needs to be addressed so we can move on to more serious discussion. Animals, like children, cannot legally give consent to such pairings. Therefore, I think we're on solid legal grounds when we exclude bestiality. Reductio ad absurdum is the last refuge of those who cannot put forth a rational case.

Slippery slope: Incestuous family members will want to marry!

Please. First, such relationships involving children are child abuse, plain and simple. And as a rule, adult incestuous relationships are discouraged, if not outlawed, because of the danger inbreeding poses to the potential offspring of such unions. Unfortunately for anti-gay zealots, gays don't have the capability to produce deformed offspring.

Slippery slope: Groups of people will marry!

Then why hasn't group marriage occurred in any of the countries that already allow gay marriage?

Besides, there are plenty of legal reasons to limit the number of individuals who can be part of a marriage contract, one of them being the need to prevent fraud -- groups of people getting together and sucking resources from the system like it's some group discount at BJ's.

Gay marriage allows gays to recruit more members.

Ah...now we're getting down to the real reasons people oppose gay marriage: fear and loathing of homosexuals, and a belief that gays simply wish to make their "lifestyle" more attractive to lure more straight folk.

This is the argument implied by Deb, the detractor I linked to above: "To me, being gay for some is the only way that otherwise really awkward people can 'fit in' to a group. Who wouldn't 'choose' that over being isolated, especially now that our entertainment industry has glorified being gay to such a huge extent."

So, all gays started out as "awkward" people who found their true calling in having sex with other men/women. Like I said, absurd.

Next, they'll want adoption.

And then, of course, gays will recruit the children and abuse them, much like the catholic church.

This argument is an appeal against gay adoption, the merits and drawbacks of which can be debated later. It does not directly address the issue of gay marriage, since many straight couples do not have children.

Second, the argument implies that exposure to gays is inherently harmful to children. Deb, the writer I linked to above, made a particularly revealing comment to this effect -- one that goes to her own laughable ignorance:


Case in point...I have a friend who's gay. He has pictures of naked men all over his apartment. He's a great guy, very nice, very responsible and very successful. Should he be allowed to adopt a child if he gets married to his boyfriend? Would you put a child in a hetero home with pictures of naked women (or men) all over the walls?


The none-too-clever insinuation is clear: Gays, while "nice" and "responsible" on the surface, are voracious horndogs whose obsession with sexuality would undoubtedly spill over into their child-rearing. Placing kids with these people is akin to child abuse.

And while I'm at it, I'll offer one final, damning quote from Deb:


I'm fairly sure those with my view are going to lose in the end. Can't put the genie back in the bottle and all...But I'm sad about it. I do see that our society/culture is taking a nosedive in the civility and focus on the common good sense. Not sure it was ever really that strong except for a time in the mid-fifties (if you were white), but still.


Uh-huh.

Overall, opponents of gay marriage can't offer a reasonable case against gay marriage because there is none. They appear to be motivated more by the "yuk" factor than any broader, rational concern for society.

It's been said elsewhere, and I think it bears repeating: "These arguments serve mainly to obscure the issue, not illuminate it. Conservatives say they abhor gay marriage because they value marriage. The truth is they abhor gay marriage because they abhor gays."


Deb;s reply to that thro the Comments column :

Ouch! Ok, fine, ten points to you. I'm not going to argue with you because you are entitled to your opinion, as am I to mine. You may disagree and think I'm wrong, but I was being honest.

I don't think this is an easy issue. I have vascillated back and forth on it myself for ages, asking the same questions: "What do I care? What harm would it do?" etc...But I keep coming back to the same conclusion that it bothers me.

Maybe you're right that it's the "yuk" factor as you put it, but let's be clear on one thing, I don't hate homosexuals, nor do I think they "recruit." I do think that exposing young children to overt homosexual behaviors can be confusing to them, sorry but I do. Does it convert them? Doubt it, but it's something that needs explaining to them because even small kids "get" the "it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby" concept (they don't know about IVF unfortunately). So lots of parents don't want to be forced to explain to their kids why so-and-so has two mommies, or two daddies, or whatever. Now all of this can happen without marriage, I grant you, and so I guess I wonder why do I harp on marriage if that's the case? Sure does throw my argument--as you said--out the window. I agree.

But something still bugs me about it. I'm just stream-of-consciousness writing here (as I was to a degree in my post and comments, but since you don't know me, you woudn't know that)--but it baffles me as to why homosexuals are asking to be married? Seems to me the same reasoning must apply in their case as applies in mine as a straight person, but since I'm obviously having so much trouble articulating it, I'd like to know what their explanation is. Is that too much to ask?

My initial point was merely to take apart the arguments we hear so often in the press...the ones about money and and the ones about "luuuuuv." I wanted to do that
a) Because I don't buy it for some reason
b) Because those really aren't the reasons straight people get married (not really, rarely occurs to 90% of married people I know, myself included, even love isn't enough when society allows for people--straight or gay--to NOT get married and live together without being stigmatized)
c) Because I can't help but feel the real reason is something else...Something more agenda driven, and I'm trying to figure out what it is!

Part of why I feel this way is that the statistics just don't bear out that homosexuals want to be married! In VT and Hawaii, they aren't marrying anywhere near the same percentage of their populations as straight people. Why is that? I have no idea, I just tried to posit answers, and you took that to mean I'm "anti-gay," that's not true. You can think it if you want, but it's not true.

I only know why I got married, and a large part of it had to do with validation, belonging, societal recognition, a sense of permanence between my husband and me, lots of esoteric shit in addition to love. Then there was the kids and legitimacy thing.

While I agree with you that marriage wasn't put in place for the purpose of perpetuating the species (I don't recall saying that exactly), I do think it was put in place to ensure that the offspring would be cared for once had. You're right, biology has us on autopilot to reproduce, but not to take responsibility (legal or otherwise) for the results of our coitus. I do think this was part of it way back when, and now it's psychological.

There is still stigma tied to divorce, and to bearing children out of wedlock. All sorts of statisticians will tell you that illegitimacy and various ills such as crime, drug abuse, etc...tend to go hand in hand. No, not just because the kids are born to unwed parents, but more likely because one of the two parents isn't legally bound to stick around and help raise that kid to be a productive member of society. Even single parents who are educated and well-off face difficulties in this area.

So to me, if we're going to allow gay couples to adopt, then we should allow them to marry. I do feel that a two parent household (or an intact, predictable environment, how's that) is important for a kid's self-esteem. Just want that to be clear.

What does worry me though is that "discrimination" as a word is being used right now like a weapon by the homosexual community. Rather than seeing that it's really hard for even thoughtful straight people (whatever you think of me, I hope I can get credit for TRYING to understand my own viewpoint) to wrap their brains around the concept of gay marriage (whether it's the "ick" factor or religion or whatever holding them back), and to be TOLERANT of that point of view long enough to work together to overcome it, they seem to go on the attack. Calling me names ("ignorant" "homophobe" etc...) only makes me more resistant, and validates my perception of an "us and them" culture!

If what homosexuals truly want is to be treated equally, then it seems they should stop going on the attack. Because when I hear "discrimination!!!" I start to think that this is the word that will be used to intimidate adoption case workers and others into making some pretty scary exceptions. But make no mistake, I have the same fear of ANY group that bandies about the term "discrimination" every time they don't instantly get what they want. I used to work in HR for a company, it was nearly impossible to fire someone who was gay for this reason (or black or hispanic or a woman, you name it). We settled more lawsuits than you can shake a stick at, ALL of which were totally unfounded. This experience colors my view.

I'm not saying straight people are perfect, just saying that because marriage for us is the status quo, the system tends not to take much shit from us when we abuse the institution or misuse it. If you want to interpret this as a privilege, that's your call. I don't.

I hope you better understand my views now. I also hope you can find a way to explore this complex, emotional issue without calling people names and casting aspersions on their intelligence in the process. It may win you the argument in a technical sense, but it doesn't do what I think you'd want it to do which is change the minds of people who are more inclined to share my views. Since I would hope that's what you want in the end, you might want to consider a more "tolerant" approach.

:-)

Posted by Deb at August 5, 2003 10:39 AM

Very interesting. My comments? I would love to, but barely had time to read it!
Keeping this for future records, and hopefully some analysis in the future

eod

the week ends, finally.
at the end of it....yes, life still sucks. yes, i am still confused, more than ever.

Sidharth called me...I just blabbed everything to him...shouldnt have....but it felt so nice just talking abt it.
But I shd keep quiet. Most of what is going on in my head is something only I can properly understand and place in the right context.

Hopefully a nice weekend. But the heart sinks at the thought of the Monday beyond.

Low

Am so bloody low today its not funny.
As usual, it is not pure tension or pain which makes me low, rather it is the swirling cloud of grey in my head that causes irritation/anger/depression/loneliness in more or less equal measures.

Words that keep coming back -
girish....trust...respect.....shift timings....life....full stops....competence....adjustments.....reactions...options....

What I want to do (need to do) is to just curl up quietly with no expression on my face...watch a mindless movie or read a mindless magazine, and maybe think.

Instead, what I have to do is to have lunch with super-boss in a group, be pleasant and amicable...meet my new boss...be energetic and intelligent looking....work on my presentation...present the stuff tonite in front of the whole management, all the while keeping up a confident, intelligent exterior.

Fuck.

2 days

2 days of just getting away from it all.

Brief, significant impressions....

- Reaching Darshan;s house at 1 pm, after a horrible, disgusting party that had left a bad taste in the mouth. ANYthing wld have been great after that.....that way it was a good start, as we left 5 hrs later.

- Getting money out of the ATM....an hour delayed....WHY cldnt this have been done a day before??Irritated.

- Shaan soothes me. "woh pehli baar" still gives me that knot in that stomach and that smile on my face. Thats followed by the Beatles. Its Darshan;s turn to hum. After that, George Michael is the unanimous choice! Freedom!

- A stop for breakfast. Lovely dosa...made all the more delicious by the fact that we were starving! I then went to the rest room...back....down a corridor....the yellow walls getting blacker....take a right and go into an iron door, rusted with age, into a small space that is as "clean" as it is cramped. On the way back, u take a look at whats on yr right....the scene is right out of Oliver Twist or one of those - a large stuffy room, walls blackened with soot(dust?tar?)...large, brown mechanisms producing food startlingly light in colour..flashes of fire and the smell of oil..and 2 teenagers staring at my shoes. I came out into the blinding light and bought a Sprite for the rest of the journey.

- Reached Yercaud exactly at 12....its not really chilly, but its cool. And v v windy. My poor hair (fast disappearing)....we saunter in confidently to Sterling resorts, talking about bargaining and getting a sexy room....our conversation dies down as we enter the parking lot - full. We spot 5 Mercs, several Skodas/Accents/Ikons etc. Fears confirmed at the reception - "full house, no vacancies".
We decide to grin and bear it. That grin is fast replaced by a frown as we get the same response EVERYWHERE - from budget hotels to hovels in the ground. What the fuck is happening? A kind soul enlightens us - the local elitist boarding school is having its Sports Day and Old Boys reunion. Hence, the deluge of visitors to this sleepy town.

- Resigned to going back at night, we are driving....when we come across this "holiday home" in the middle of nowhere, that hadnt been advertised ANYwhere in this billboard plastered town. Dar:"why do u want another no?" Me :"lets try".
It is empty. We are welcomed with a smile.
An empty hotel in a town chockful of visitors. Clean, bland rooms. 2 workers who dont have any additional service to offer. My antenna is perked.

- A short drive through intense flora (and fauna...was that the rustling in the trees?), listening to soft instrumental....a short trek leading to "Kiliyur Falls".....there;s no water! But there;s peace. Not a sound in the air except the click of our camera and the whoosh of the trees in the wind (Wordsworth anyone?!) Lying on the smooth rock, eyes closed, and the mind blank, for once.
Until Darshan has a "funny feeling that we should leave". In the middle of this green heaven, this gets curioser n curioser

- Lets not drive, lets walk - thats my suggestion.
And what a walk it was....at least for me! We go up n down, up n down..legs starting to ache at the mere thought of traversing this terrain on the way back. We pass 3 tall stone arches, just there, leading to nothing. Is it a trick? Thats my LOTR/HP hangover.
The Pagoda point - strong gusts of wind, and a view of the plains - twinkling lights in the fast fading light. Time for some crisp Lays (consumerism, hallelujah!) and quiet contemplation (!)
Time passes, and its cloudy night....there are no stars, just a dim grey light, and in this we start our walk back. On our way is a set of houses, about 20 of them, neatly laid out on proper streets. All empty. Broken panes and fading paint on never-lived homes. Blank windows staring at us as we pass them. I, of course, stare back.
This bravado is tinged with an over active imagination, which is certainly not quietened by the lane that awaits us. Thick foliage around us, with an occasional glimpse of a hut or a cottage, that has a dim yellow light shining inside. Else there is silence (eerie silence). Fireflies flit around, and we spot them in wonder. Scenes from movies - A/B/C/D grade - all welcome! - crowd my mind. Stephen King;s storytelling techniques prove their excellence. Thankfully, I enjoy it, and can smile.
But what about tomorrow? Wl I always smile?
I need to get less obsessed with the supernatural/morbid/dark stuff...I may "enjoy" it now, but what if that walk had turned me (or poor Dar) into a neurotic wreck?!!!

- Down the hill we go, listening to the rambunctious beats of bhangra and the quiet passion of ghazals. 2 hours and Tracy Chapmen later, we are at Hogenakal falls - there;s nothing to eat, the sun is disgustingly hot, and there are HORDES of people around, all chattering seemingly oblivious to the heat. A half a km walk through crowded market and we reach the river. Haggle,haggle with the boatwallas, then step gingerly into a round, bamboo-made boat (at least I think its bamboo) and we swish off into the swirling current (nicholas monsarrat, gentlemen?!)

- One of the most pleasurable rides I have had....not much falls due to lack of sufficient water, but enough to generate a current that pleasantly scares, and we watch anxiously at the boatman who confidently wields his oar. Never mind the multitude of boats-bogged-down-with-humanity that pass us, never mind the vistas of half naked men n women who are bathing, never mind the sun that BEATS down relentlessly.....I enjoy myself.

- We are hot n sweaty, but (and I speak confidently for myself) happy. Our chariot is not too hot, and while the AC does take time to cool, relief is instant.
Plunge back into the crazy combo of good n bad roads, sleepy n hungry.
Things improve for him after Massive Attack. I am now sleepy, hungry and edgy.

- A genuine Punjabi dhaba...hurrah! A request for Chicken Tikka at 4:30 pm, which is promptly accepted, and then politely refused. Nevertheless, hot sweet tea, oily pakoras and solid roti-bhurji down our throats, and life begins again. So does conversation.

- Which brings me to the common theme in this whole flow of thoughts n experiences - conversation. With someone who you connect to, who you care for, who is as much a part of you as your own self. Sometimes irreverent, sometimes edgy; sometimes sarcastic, sometimes intimate; mostly comfortable chatter.

As I said, I had a lovely weekend

looking inwards

Every morning I arrive with a heavy stomach, dragging my feet. And its just the first month.
Is this a reflection of my incompetence?
or my lack of adjustment skills?(or rather, resistance to change)
or my alarmist/dramatic tendencies?(as people like Unni wld no doubt think)
Or is it a genuine problem..with Acn and particularly the boss being the culprit?
Or is neither at fault - just a fitment issue?

For one of the very few times in my life, (esp academic/professional life), I am woozy in the head on this. I dont know. Neither can I think of someone who I trust could help me clear my mind.

The good and the bad, but no time to record

Had a lovely weekend, which I wanted to write about.
But the week itself is going so horribly, that I dont have either the time or the inclination now to do so.
Hope the inclination returns by evening.

Internal workings of the mind

Sejal - current flatmate - F,31
On the surface - well off, independent (tho fr a conservative family), loves to laugh, friendly, cheerful, good taste in aesthetics, passionate abt food,finicky abt cleanliness, well travelled, intelligent, wants like-minded people
Under the surface - senitive, romantic, scarred from a turbulent childhood, insecure abt herself- mentally n physically, on the verge of a terrible depression that wl take her over and make her a v bitter lady, if something drastically good doesnt happen soon (like finding a decent guy, instead of the ignorant assholes her parents keep forcing down her throat)

Eugene - v close for abt 6 months, and then slowly drifted away - M, 24
On the surface - smart alec, perceptive, intelligent, argumentative, cold, sharp sense of humor, typical MBA, all set to climb the corporate ladder
Under the surface - V sensitive, insecure, restless, big dreams, romantic - chucked up cool job to go to Tanzania (!!), where he;s selling cars, living a grt lifestyle with his girlfriend, and saving for another MBA fr London.

Whether it be long term relationships or short term friendships like these.....is it in my nature to be drawn to those who dont fit the mould, defy the stereotypes? Or do I fool myself - there ARE no stereotypes...I am just lucky(smart?) enuff to to dig a little and find the cores?

Doesnt really matter, either ways.
I love people - and I love immersing myself in people. It is often painful, but always, always enriching.

headache

Have a headache that cld easily come into the 2003 top 10 category!

I know i am being too premature/alarmist/insecure/grumpy/ etc etc...but am seriously re thinking abt the sense of coming here.
am not thinking TOO much, coz whats done is done.
what i AM thinking abt it, whether i shd do something abt it, or try to float for some time...and then make a decision.
on one hand, looking out barely a month after joining sounds too much like quitting.
on the other hand, if i take this decision 3-6 months later, it sounds too half baked..i am neither here nor there.
which means i take a clear decision to either cry out for help now, or wait for a civilised year.

Am strongly tempted to do it NOW.
the headache, of course, is being pushy.

Wl blog tomorrow without the headache.

I get bugged so easily

Well, the weekend woes turned out to be true to anticipation (self fulfilling prophecy?) - it was exhausting...more than that, i didnt really relish the experience of cleaning the house, with madam making her critical comments as she herself cleaned the fans......i mean...what the fuck....when the maid hasnt come, and u hv to do the other stuff, y is cleaning the fans so bloody important right now? but no, it has to be done now. and on her timeline too...if i want to relax on a sunday morning and keep this for the afternoon....no siree...no can do....well, at least she had the grace to admit that she reminded herself of her mother...and then in the evening her comment "i told my friends u ran away for the day coz i nagged u"....defying my self destructively polite nature, i did not contradict her this time..hopefully this wl save me fr another weekend like this.

if that was ms. ajmera turning colors at home, worse was mr.girish turning into mr. sarcasm at office....WHY does he think I have no work? DO i have to constantly publicise the fact that I am working??? Sorry...to me that is as vulgar as showing off yr riches.....and if he thinks i am going to change some basic ethics I have to suit this environment, he;s got a rethink coming...i am not going to use 20 min to describe my activities when it can be done in 2 min...i am not going to keep making snide comments abt long working hours.....i firmly believe that no. of working hours have NOTHING to do with quality of work, and i dont see any reason here to change my beliefs, people like rinku and sameer notwithstanding.
and my basic panga is - if u have an issue with me, talk to me direct. sitting in a group with a sly smile on yr face, commenting "you seem to have some amount of time with you, y dont u take it up" is NOT my idea of a professional.

As this blog suggests, I am very particular abt what I like/dislike..what i want/dont want.

In fact, right now, a steaming cup of tea n some spicy pakoras wld be great...its raining outside...and Blr looks cool. Wish I had some good company though, today I am in the mood to crib!!!

Oh yes..just remembered another reason for me being so bugged..i have just discovered thart 15th August is NOT a holiday for us...and neither was 4 July, when my deal wasnt working...so WHEN does HR get a holiday? another sly smile fr mr.sarcasm "thats the way it goes"....and i was planning to take 14th and 15th aug off to visit home....everyone else has planned their activities around my anticipated visit.....i just hope that girish wl be decent abt it and i wont have to disappoint them/...creep.

Morning music n weekend woes

what a corny title...but titles like this seem to abound in bookshelves nowdays as IWE become more n more fashonable.
Another thing that has been fashionable for some time is reverse snobbery, being proud of anything rural n looking down upon anything urban. I genuine;y find a glass of iced tea much more refreshing than a glass of "aam panna" freshly picked fr the trees. so sue me....does that make me an "urban snob". I wonder why every like/dislike has to have attached a judgement with it...why cant it just be? I like lassi more than iced tea.....i like blue more than earthy colours....i like socialising more than being alone.....i like non veg more than veg......our preference just IS. doesnt have to be good or bad.

I actually chatted with Sid for more than an hr today. How strange. But then chatting or even laughing with him has never been a problem. The problem is liking, of which there is none.

Office was so hectic for 2 and a half days....and then hardly done any work for the next 2 and a half days. I wonder if i am doing something wrong. How can everyone have so much work and me none? Is my natural laziness asserting itself? Scary. I hope I dont fall behind.

There...i used the word ...."fall behind" . Not I am self admittedly part of the "rat race". Shit.

A weekend coming up...lots of things to do, lots of people to meet.
I hope I am able to set up my room as I want to.
I hope I am able to set up my relationships as I want to.

I have not met a single decent looking girl in Acn who I cld get interested in. So a blank here too. Wl there ever be action on this front? I am beginning to seriously doubt it.