When someone puts me on a spot and asks me to say something witty or sexy or even gossipy, I am hit by a state of performance anxiety so acute that it’s surprising that I don’t enact the staple of most B-grade Hollywood movies and clutch my stomach, looking wildly around for the closest washroom. Needless to say, the moment passes and I am greeted by either polite silence or a polite change of topic. Of course, the moment the topic changes, I am struck by the most wondrous things to say, things that could make you blush or laugh or throw your mouth open in ape-like astonishment, as the case might be. That is soon followed by an abject sense of disappointment with self, and then a realization that I could place the blame elsewhere – my fate and my genes. Either way, its time for a self-pity session which, if conducted with friends, could actually yield some of the entertainment that started the whole thing off.
Once in a blue moon (note to self: google this expression and figure out what it means before the next time you use it), I am actually able to respond immediately to such a request. Unfortunately, that usually happens in the virtual world when I feel less distracted and pressurized and am able to assume a personality that I know I have no business misleading anyone with. Nevertheless, a recent question from someone “I am going to get a bouquet for you…tell me your wish list of what you want in it”, yielded the immediate response…
Rainy, cloudy, windy weather. Not so rainy that it floods the roads, not so cloudy that it becomes gloomy, not so windy that it spoils my hair. Just right.
Fat-free versions of Mojitos. Or whatever it is that’s my flavor of the month – LIT, white wine, martinis…(I could extend the same principle and ask for “angst-free” versions of relationships, but that would be a bit too unreasonable I think. Also, some bit of angst is good...unlike the sugar in Mojitos)
Home-kit for permanent hair removal. With no unpleasant, long term side effects. Fragrance free.
A lifetime voucher for unlimited spending at all LVMH brands, plus Zara, Kenneth Cole and Issey Miyake. Or a simpler way of looking at this could be to have this voucher applicable at all stores of the top 10 malls in India. And New York.
A personal assistance to take care of all bothersome transactions of life. That includes paying all bills and taxes, filing tax returns, maintaining the house, booking movies, keeping the car running, arranging for emergency evacuation from boring dinners/ dates/ meetings, carrying along an alternative set of clothes & accessories wherever I go, and clearing out crowds when I am going sight seeing or shopping
A service orientation and grooming management program for all waiters and salespersons across watering, eating and shopping holes that I frequent. Competency and proficiency levels to be approved by me, also the assessments. This will clearly be a social service masquerading as a solution to an individual whim or fancy
A personalized, friendly, good looking guide for every technological device I am expected to or want to manage. This would include specialized tutorials on how to download movies, and how to brush up your photographs to make yourself look better. The learning architectures would all be personal coaching, delivered by guides described earlier.
And finally, a flirt detector. Who’s interested…or not? Who’s flirting…or not? What are they interested in….? And (O Lord) why? A simple device that tells me all this. The device needs to be of a matt finish, in a color that’s not too boring. It could be an over the top conversation starter or a subtle accessory.
So this is my wish list. And I am proud of myself. Now get me the white wine.
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