The weather irritates the shit out of me. Mojitos and messages quench some of my thirst but leave me wanting more. I am constantly needed to be more out there, talking, presenting, talking, presenting…and even sharing my “journey” and my “tpov” as if I am one of those stuffed-shirt successes. No siree…me no have checklist for life, me no have apartment, me no have kids in school, me no fit into conventional success mode. Nice people talk, or at least they open their mouths and I hear something. But I don’t really catch it. Like I said, the weather irritates me. I am genuinely happy for Sonali, I wander around in that space looking at the pictures and smiling vacantly, hurrah for mr. effective networker. And after that year’s ban, I am back on the long glasses of poison, thanks to one of the most horrifying conversations I have had in 9 years.
Just emerging from a Californication marathon, I am unable to stop wondering. Can I just be an asshole? Can I be a flirt? Can I (please please please please please please) just know the right, witty things to say? Can I just screw up every relationship around me? Can I just be horrendously sexy? Can I indulge multiple talents and nurture them, grow them? Can I get truly, crazily drunk and get thrown out of a bar? Can I pierce my body in multiple places? Can I make my body the focus of my life? Can I tell people what exactly I think of them, in the most humorous manner possible? Can I just take decisions that get me more money, and more money, and more money? Can I have intelligent conversations without meaning a single word I say? Can I switch my phone off sometimes and switch it back on a few hours later, and check on the missed calls? Can I cast a veil over my eyes that not a single person can read, letting my wit do the bonding? Can I make a 20 point action plan for my life? Can I systematically sleep through the blue world? Can I just have fun, and never look in the mirror? Can I be funny, and smart, and witty, and disappear the next morning? Can I dig, dig, dig and truly become an expert in some area?
Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I be someone else? How would it feel to be someone else entirely? To not be me. Me. ME.
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