Have just finished watching Wimbledon, a lovely romantic comedy. I really like it when I come across an unexpected piece of good stuff. This movie was one, its stars too – Kirsten Dunst should do more such roles than the dreamy-wispy characters she specializes in nowdays, especially post Spiderman. Paul Bettany I got a taste of in The Reckoning…this was 180 degrees different from that role and he excelled here too. Okay, excelled may be stretching but he brought a level of credibility to the role that I cant imagine the other toy boys doing….except maybe Matt Damon…but then he’s not your average toy boy either.
It’s a Tuesday afternoon and I am sitting at home watching a movie. It’s a refreshing change…I have taken off today, was not feeling too great. Physically and in a way, mentally too. There’s just been too much recently on the mind, I guess and I just needed some time off. It’s a gorgeous day, MY definition of gorgeous – cloudy, slightly wet, chilly. I have been on calls, then saw this movie. Will probably spend the afternoon reading “the way we were” (an overdose of romance?) and then go to L’s place in the evening for more conversation and movies.
I really wonder the roles all these elements play in my life – movies..books…even my work - sometimes distraction, sometimes inspiration, my savior in times of need, my source of identity, my entertainment, my livelihood. Is there a link between the growing significance of these elements and my (seemingly) decreasing interest in romance of any sort? How much is appearance and how much is reality? How much is instinctive and how much is controlled? Have I really been able to coach and train my mind into submission or is that an illusion itself? Of if it’s a reality, what does that say about the so-called freedom of mind that I supposedly believe in? Is this something like the inherent contradiction about singers whose words are about love of love and hatred of materialism and who have multi million contracts? Unavoidable?
From an academic point of view, I would like to find and explore the answers. But from a survival point of view, I think its best if I don’t. I used to think truth could be absolute and pure, but no longer. Because truth is like the sun, its right there, its inescapable. And I am too intelligent not to acknowledge truth when it stands right before me. Which would leave without a choice. I don’t like that. There should ALWAYS be exit options. The mind needs a refuge.
I wonder if a psychiatrist could actually discover that refuge?? Or rather, guide me to it?? I am sure I could manage on my own too, if I put my mind to it. But as I told unni a little while, I would rather let those shadows remain just that – shadows.
One thing that’s certainly not shadowy in any way is the choice which I am faced with at work, though the way its turned out, I no longer have a choice. I wanted to move out, spoke with all the right people, found the most appropriate (not the best) role, and then made the mistake of talking to LC about what’s wrong with the team. That got converted to a discussion on “what we need to do to make it right” to “you need to stay to make it right” to “why don’t u stay” to “you have to stay”.
I normally wouldn’t even document such choices – because usually the choices are about doing what my brain tells me to do and what instincts tell me to do. And I go by my instincts, which has caused me heartburn personally, but stood me in good stead in my academic/professional life (sounds contradictory, right? Sigh…just add it to the list). But for the first time, I think I will need to go by brain in this case. Staying where I am will get me up the ladder, build more expertise in my core area, allow me to lead a team of size n level which I normally wouldn’t an opportunity to do elsewhere etc etc. But….i don’t know, I cant even articulate what exactly are the apprehensions. Which is why I am so susceptible to LC’s finely tuned and targeted arguments.
Another front where my instincts have been leading the way so far is my determination to adopt a baby in a few years. I know its tough and I know I will have to think a lot of things through and its probably more practical to take the easier route of just getting married….but. No. This is something I hope I am going to be able to do my way.
Hence the mixed bag of shadows n sunshine that characterizes this day. As I sit on the bean bag, “what if god was one of us” plays on TV, the rain falls steadily outside, “the way we were” waits…as I miss U…and think about M…two ends of the same spectrum.
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