The Blurred Lines

Gangajal, the latest “realistic” fare to come from the art cinema turned commercial director, Prakash Jha, turned out to be thought provoking, literally.

Set in the interiors of Bihar, the film effectively captures the stench of corruption and terror that pervades the environment. A quietly courageous SP, recently posted there, unwittingly sets in motion a sequence of events that result in a group of young police officers using acid and stilettos to blind and maim 2 hard core criminals. This weapon, ironically called “gangajal” (which is water from the holy river of Ganga) acquires immense popularity amongst a population that suffers daily under the hands of criminals/politicians/police officers.

Not only did this acquire popularity in the fictional population of Tejpur, it drew cheers from the audience of thousand-odd that were gathered in the movie theatre. As the scale and intensity of brutalities steadily increased on screen, so did the crescendo of cheers and laughter in the hall. It was as if the anger and frustration of the mobs on screen connected with the spark of violence that resides within each of us, igniting it and drawing appreciation and comradeship in the acts of horrific brutality that were being committed. On screen, the lines between good and evil rapidly blurred. And in reality, it took just a 150-minute film to blur the lines between sanity and insanity, to transform the “family crowd” into a mob frothing at the mouth, seeking blood.

Everyday we live at the mercy of this precarious balance. Whether it is the French revolution centuries ago, or the recent Gujarat riots, the disturbance of this balance promises horror – a glimpse of which was seen in the theatre, the promise of which we see whenever that rush of blood to our heads causes mental and physical pain to someone else. Unfortunately, that seems to happen all too often.

A week rushes by and I am an year older

Rush,rush....so crooned Paula Abdul....and rush, rush....so I moan.

The birthday was one of the most uneventful ever.....my low key approach was quite successful this year (for a change) and celebration consisted of drinks n dinner with Darshan (3 Ds!) at Geoffrey's.
No gifts, though. Unni was suitably annoyed at what he calls an entire lack of enthu n imagination in my Blr friends!

The tension of preparing for the Cmty launches got over. they finally happened. and they happened well. got some appreciation, at last!

Life promises to be as irritatingly work oriented n exhausting for another 2/3 weeks at least. Many fires to fight.

Hvnt been to my fav blogs in a while - the 2 Erics, James, Nell.....what are they upto???!!!! Shall try to answer those questions tonite.

where are you?

where are the people I want the most in this state of mind, during this state of affairs?

Sitting on the airplane, looking at the moonlit clouds outside, I am wracked by sudden emotion. Is anybody there? No.
Then why do I myself and the world a disfavour by calling these people my closest ones, my support system etc etc. True, the very thought of them gives me strength. But shd it always be restricted to thought?

And I think all this. Yet, it doesnt matter. I am as much in love as I was before. I am consumed, possessed. What I think doesnt make an iota of difference to what I feel.

Run Lola Run

I hvnt seen the movie yet, but it looks v interesting.
Unfortunately, there are lots of movies like that nowdays. This shd not become a regular practice.

Which brings me to what I want to say - who am I running for?
I am running for 12/14 hrs everyday. And
- my immediate boss/es arent happy - Lakshmi n Girish - things are NOT proceeding fast enough
- my management rep isnt happy
- my Ops Mgrs arent happy
- my people dont see much of me (they dont hv too many expectations from me, which is worse than being unhappy with me)
- my close ones are not happy - forget seeing me, they hardly hear fr me
- and I certainly am not happy - this is not me.

So who am I running for?

SO MUCH

There's SO MUCH to do right now, that I intimidate myself.

Content wise - hectic, tiring, but not so bad.
Communication wise - not so good.

Once again, I surprise myself. And not a very pleasant surprise, either.

From the blog geckoblue, who, while being a bit militaristic, does make some good arguments sometimes.

Below is his blog :



Friends With Benefits
Maybe someone can explain to me, rationally, the straight case against gay marriage.

The statements I've seen thus far have been rather vacuous, characterized more by well-I-just-think-it's-wrong dismissals than serious, thoughtful misgivings. Others put forward self-contradicting arguments that are absurd on their face, unwittingly making the case for gay marriage while underscoring the writer's own ignorance.

Here's what you commonly hear once you get the detractors to cease their frantic, seething, hair-pulling, Bible-thrusting frenzy and articulate their reasons for opposition:

Marriage is an institution between one man and one woman.

A non-argument. Simply re-stating the current definition of marriage does nothing to justify its exclusiveness.

It denigrates the institution of marriage.

I fail to see how husband and wife, upon hearing that the gay couple down the street just got hitched, will subsequently flush their rings down the toilet and call it quits. How does the prospect of someone else getting married make yours any less meaningful? And how does the idea that others can get married make it a less attractive option for men and women who love each other? Another non-argument.

Marriages are for ensuring the continuation of the species.

No, procreation is for ensuring our continuation, and I think nature has that part set on auto-pilot. I've seen some strange arguments against gay marriage, but I don't think even the most extreme conservatives would argue that gay marriage will cause people to stop fucking.

But marriage IS for procreation.

Wow, really? They should require fertility tests, then, when straight people apply for marriage licenses. And no old people, either. They need procreation like they need to be behind the wheel of a car.

Slippery slope: People will want to marry children.

There is an entire body of national and state law that states children do not have the right to make adult decisions until, well, they become adults. Those laws have never been eroded, and they won't be invalidated by gay marriage either.

Slippery slope: People will marry their dogs!

Riiight. Allow consenting adults to marry, and suddenly there will be no defense against inter-species marriage.

This is a silly, flailing argument that nevertheless needs to be addressed so we can move on to more serious discussion. Animals, like children, cannot legally give consent to such pairings. Therefore, I think we're on solid legal grounds when we exclude bestiality. Reductio ad absurdum is the last refuge of those who cannot put forth a rational case.

Slippery slope: Incestuous family members will want to marry!

Please. First, such relationships involving children are child abuse, plain and simple. And as a rule, adult incestuous relationships are discouraged, if not outlawed, because of the danger inbreeding poses to the potential offspring of such unions. Unfortunately for anti-gay zealots, gays don't have the capability to produce deformed offspring.

Slippery slope: Groups of people will marry!

Then why hasn't group marriage occurred in any of the countries that already allow gay marriage?

Besides, there are plenty of legal reasons to limit the number of individuals who can be part of a marriage contract, one of them being the need to prevent fraud -- groups of people getting together and sucking resources from the system like it's some group discount at BJ's.

Gay marriage allows gays to recruit more members.

Ah...now we're getting down to the real reasons people oppose gay marriage: fear and loathing of homosexuals, and a belief that gays simply wish to make their "lifestyle" more attractive to lure more straight folk.

This is the argument implied by Deb, the detractor I linked to above: "To me, being gay for some is the only way that otherwise really awkward people can 'fit in' to a group. Who wouldn't 'choose' that over being isolated, especially now that our entertainment industry has glorified being gay to such a huge extent."

So, all gays started out as "awkward" people who found their true calling in having sex with other men/women. Like I said, absurd.

Next, they'll want adoption.

And then, of course, gays will recruit the children and abuse them, much like the catholic church.

This argument is an appeal against gay adoption, the merits and drawbacks of which can be debated later. It does not directly address the issue of gay marriage, since many straight couples do not have children.

Second, the argument implies that exposure to gays is inherently harmful to children. Deb, the writer I linked to above, made a particularly revealing comment to this effect -- one that goes to her own laughable ignorance:


Case in point...I have a friend who's gay. He has pictures of naked men all over his apartment. He's a great guy, very nice, very responsible and very successful. Should he be allowed to adopt a child if he gets married to his boyfriend? Would you put a child in a hetero home with pictures of naked women (or men) all over the walls?


The none-too-clever insinuation is clear: Gays, while "nice" and "responsible" on the surface, are voracious horndogs whose obsession with sexuality would undoubtedly spill over into their child-rearing. Placing kids with these people is akin to child abuse.

And while I'm at it, I'll offer one final, damning quote from Deb:


I'm fairly sure those with my view are going to lose in the end. Can't put the genie back in the bottle and all...But I'm sad about it. I do see that our society/culture is taking a nosedive in the civility and focus on the common good sense. Not sure it was ever really that strong except for a time in the mid-fifties (if you were white), but still.


Uh-huh.

Overall, opponents of gay marriage can't offer a reasonable case against gay marriage because there is none. They appear to be motivated more by the "yuk" factor than any broader, rational concern for society.

It's been said elsewhere, and I think it bears repeating: "These arguments serve mainly to obscure the issue, not illuminate it. Conservatives say they abhor gay marriage because they value marriage. The truth is they abhor gay marriage because they abhor gays."


Deb;s reply to that thro the Comments column :

Ouch! Ok, fine, ten points to you. I'm not going to argue with you because you are entitled to your opinion, as am I to mine. You may disagree and think I'm wrong, but I was being honest.

I don't think this is an easy issue. I have vascillated back and forth on it myself for ages, asking the same questions: "What do I care? What harm would it do?" etc...But I keep coming back to the same conclusion that it bothers me.

Maybe you're right that it's the "yuk" factor as you put it, but let's be clear on one thing, I don't hate homosexuals, nor do I think they "recruit." I do think that exposing young children to overt homosexual behaviors can be confusing to them, sorry but I do. Does it convert them? Doubt it, but it's something that needs explaining to them because even small kids "get" the "it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby" concept (they don't know about IVF unfortunately). So lots of parents don't want to be forced to explain to their kids why so-and-so has two mommies, or two daddies, or whatever. Now all of this can happen without marriage, I grant you, and so I guess I wonder why do I harp on marriage if that's the case? Sure does throw my argument--as you said--out the window. I agree.

But something still bugs me about it. I'm just stream-of-consciousness writing here (as I was to a degree in my post and comments, but since you don't know me, you woudn't know that)--but it baffles me as to why homosexuals are asking to be married? Seems to me the same reasoning must apply in their case as applies in mine as a straight person, but since I'm obviously having so much trouble articulating it, I'd like to know what their explanation is. Is that too much to ask?

My initial point was merely to take apart the arguments we hear so often in the press...the ones about money and and the ones about "luuuuuv." I wanted to do that
a) Because I don't buy it for some reason
b) Because those really aren't the reasons straight people get married (not really, rarely occurs to 90% of married people I know, myself included, even love isn't enough when society allows for people--straight or gay--to NOT get married and live together without being stigmatized)
c) Because I can't help but feel the real reason is something else...Something more agenda driven, and I'm trying to figure out what it is!

Part of why I feel this way is that the statistics just don't bear out that homosexuals want to be married! In VT and Hawaii, they aren't marrying anywhere near the same percentage of their populations as straight people. Why is that? I have no idea, I just tried to posit answers, and you took that to mean I'm "anti-gay," that's not true. You can think it if you want, but it's not true.

I only know why I got married, and a large part of it had to do with validation, belonging, societal recognition, a sense of permanence between my husband and me, lots of esoteric shit in addition to love. Then there was the kids and legitimacy thing.

While I agree with you that marriage wasn't put in place for the purpose of perpetuating the species (I don't recall saying that exactly), I do think it was put in place to ensure that the offspring would be cared for once had. You're right, biology has us on autopilot to reproduce, but not to take responsibility (legal or otherwise) for the results of our coitus. I do think this was part of it way back when, and now it's psychological.

There is still stigma tied to divorce, and to bearing children out of wedlock. All sorts of statisticians will tell you that illegitimacy and various ills such as crime, drug abuse, etc...tend to go hand in hand. No, not just because the kids are born to unwed parents, but more likely because one of the two parents isn't legally bound to stick around and help raise that kid to be a productive member of society. Even single parents who are educated and well-off face difficulties in this area.

So to me, if we're going to allow gay couples to adopt, then we should allow them to marry. I do feel that a two parent household (or an intact, predictable environment, how's that) is important for a kid's self-esteem. Just want that to be clear.

What does worry me though is that "discrimination" as a word is being used right now like a weapon by the homosexual community. Rather than seeing that it's really hard for even thoughtful straight people (whatever you think of me, I hope I can get credit for TRYING to understand my own viewpoint) to wrap their brains around the concept of gay marriage (whether it's the "ick" factor or religion or whatever holding them back), and to be TOLERANT of that point of view long enough to work together to overcome it, they seem to go on the attack. Calling me names ("ignorant" "homophobe" etc...) only makes me more resistant, and validates my perception of an "us and them" culture!

If what homosexuals truly want is to be treated equally, then it seems they should stop going on the attack. Because when I hear "discrimination!!!" I start to think that this is the word that will be used to intimidate adoption case workers and others into making some pretty scary exceptions. But make no mistake, I have the same fear of ANY group that bandies about the term "discrimination" every time they don't instantly get what they want. I used to work in HR for a company, it was nearly impossible to fire someone who was gay for this reason (or black or hispanic or a woman, you name it). We settled more lawsuits than you can shake a stick at, ALL of which were totally unfounded. This experience colors my view.

I'm not saying straight people are perfect, just saying that because marriage for us is the status quo, the system tends not to take much shit from us when we abuse the institution or misuse it. If you want to interpret this as a privilege, that's your call. I don't.

I hope you better understand my views now. I also hope you can find a way to explore this complex, emotional issue without calling people names and casting aspersions on their intelligence in the process. It may win you the argument in a technical sense, but it doesn't do what I think you'd want it to do which is change the minds of people who are more inclined to share my views. Since I would hope that's what you want in the end, you might want to consider a more "tolerant" approach.

:-)

Posted by Deb at August 5, 2003 10:39 AM

Very interesting. My comments? I would love to, but barely had time to read it!
Keeping this for future records, and hopefully some analysis in the future

eod

the week ends, finally.
at the end of it....yes, life still sucks. yes, i am still confused, more than ever.

Sidharth called me...I just blabbed everything to him...shouldnt have....but it felt so nice just talking abt it.
But I shd keep quiet. Most of what is going on in my head is something only I can properly understand and place in the right context.

Hopefully a nice weekend. But the heart sinks at the thought of the Monday beyond.

Low

Am so bloody low today its not funny.
As usual, it is not pure tension or pain which makes me low, rather it is the swirling cloud of grey in my head that causes irritation/anger/depression/loneliness in more or less equal measures.

Words that keep coming back -
girish....trust...respect.....shift timings....life....full stops....competence....adjustments.....reactions...options....

What I want to do (need to do) is to just curl up quietly with no expression on my face...watch a mindless movie or read a mindless magazine, and maybe think.

Instead, what I have to do is to have lunch with super-boss in a group, be pleasant and amicable...meet my new boss...be energetic and intelligent looking....work on my presentation...present the stuff tonite in front of the whole management, all the while keeping up a confident, intelligent exterior.

Fuck.

2 days

2 days of just getting away from it all.

Brief, significant impressions....

- Reaching Darshan;s house at 1 pm, after a horrible, disgusting party that had left a bad taste in the mouth. ANYthing wld have been great after that.....that way it was a good start, as we left 5 hrs later.

- Getting money out of the ATM....an hour delayed....WHY cldnt this have been done a day before??Irritated.

- Shaan soothes me. "woh pehli baar" still gives me that knot in that stomach and that smile on my face. Thats followed by the Beatles. Its Darshan;s turn to hum. After that, George Michael is the unanimous choice! Freedom!

- A stop for breakfast. Lovely dosa...made all the more delicious by the fact that we were starving! I then went to the rest room...back....down a corridor....the yellow walls getting blacker....take a right and go into an iron door, rusted with age, into a small space that is as "clean" as it is cramped. On the way back, u take a look at whats on yr right....the scene is right out of Oliver Twist or one of those - a large stuffy room, walls blackened with soot(dust?tar?)...large, brown mechanisms producing food startlingly light in colour..flashes of fire and the smell of oil..and 2 teenagers staring at my shoes. I came out into the blinding light and bought a Sprite for the rest of the journey.

- Reached Yercaud exactly at 12....its not really chilly, but its cool. And v v windy. My poor hair (fast disappearing)....we saunter in confidently to Sterling resorts, talking about bargaining and getting a sexy room....our conversation dies down as we enter the parking lot - full. We spot 5 Mercs, several Skodas/Accents/Ikons etc. Fears confirmed at the reception - "full house, no vacancies".
We decide to grin and bear it. That grin is fast replaced by a frown as we get the same response EVERYWHERE - from budget hotels to hovels in the ground. What the fuck is happening? A kind soul enlightens us - the local elitist boarding school is having its Sports Day and Old Boys reunion. Hence, the deluge of visitors to this sleepy town.

- Resigned to going back at night, we are driving....when we come across this "holiday home" in the middle of nowhere, that hadnt been advertised ANYwhere in this billboard plastered town. Dar:"why do u want another no?" Me :"lets try".
It is empty. We are welcomed with a smile.
An empty hotel in a town chockful of visitors. Clean, bland rooms. 2 workers who dont have any additional service to offer. My antenna is perked.

- A short drive through intense flora (and fauna...was that the rustling in the trees?), listening to soft instrumental....a short trek leading to "Kiliyur Falls".....there;s no water! But there;s peace. Not a sound in the air except the click of our camera and the whoosh of the trees in the wind (Wordsworth anyone?!) Lying on the smooth rock, eyes closed, and the mind blank, for once.
Until Darshan has a "funny feeling that we should leave". In the middle of this green heaven, this gets curioser n curioser

- Lets not drive, lets walk - thats my suggestion.
And what a walk it was....at least for me! We go up n down, up n down..legs starting to ache at the mere thought of traversing this terrain on the way back. We pass 3 tall stone arches, just there, leading to nothing. Is it a trick? Thats my LOTR/HP hangover.
The Pagoda point - strong gusts of wind, and a view of the plains - twinkling lights in the fast fading light. Time for some crisp Lays (consumerism, hallelujah!) and quiet contemplation (!)
Time passes, and its cloudy night....there are no stars, just a dim grey light, and in this we start our walk back. On our way is a set of houses, about 20 of them, neatly laid out on proper streets. All empty. Broken panes and fading paint on never-lived homes. Blank windows staring at us as we pass them. I, of course, stare back.
This bravado is tinged with an over active imagination, which is certainly not quietened by the lane that awaits us. Thick foliage around us, with an occasional glimpse of a hut or a cottage, that has a dim yellow light shining inside. Else there is silence (eerie silence). Fireflies flit around, and we spot them in wonder. Scenes from movies - A/B/C/D grade - all welcome! - crowd my mind. Stephen King;s storytelling techniques prove their excellence. Thankfully, I enjoy it, and can smile.
But what about tomorrow? Wl I always smile?
I need to get less obsessed with the supernatural/morbid/dark stuff...I may "enjoy" it now, but what if that walk had turned me (or poor Dar) into a neurotic wreck?!!!

- Down the hill we go, listening to the rambunctious beats of bhangra and the quiet passion of ghazals. 2 hours and Tracy Chapmen later, we are at Hogenakal falls - there;s nothing to eat, the sun is disgustingly hot, and there are HORDES of people around, all chattering seemingly oblivious to the heat. A half a km walk through crowded market and we reach the river. Haggle,haggle with the boatwallas, then step gingerly into a round, bamboo-made boat (at least I think its bamboo) and we swish off into the swirling current (nicholas monsarrat, gentlemen?!)

- One of the most pleasurable rides I have had....not much falls due to lack of sufficient water, but enough to generate a current that pleasantly scares, and we watch anxiously at the boatman who confidently wields his oar. Never mind the multitude of boats-bogged-down-with-humanity that pass us, never mind the vistas of half naked men n women who are bathing, never mind the sun that BEATS down relentlessly.....I enjoy myself.

- We are hot n sweaty, but (and I speak confidently for myself) happy. Our chariot is not too hot, and while the AC does take time to cool, relief is instant.
Plunge back into the crazy combo of good n bad roads, sleepy n hungry.
Things improve for him after Massive Attack. I am now sleepy, hungry and edgy.

- A genuine Punjabi dhaba...hurrah! A request for Chicken Tikka at 4:30 pm, which is promptly accepted, and then politely refused. Nevertheless, hot sweet tea, oily pakoras and solid roti-bhurji down our throats, and life begins again. So does conversation.

- Which brings me to the common theme in this whole flow of thoughts n experiences - conversation. With someone who you connect to, who you care for, who is as much a part of you as your own self. Sometimes irreverent, sometimes edgy; sometimes sarcastic, sometimes intimate; mostly comfortable chatter.

As I said, I had a lovely weekend

looking inwards

Every morning I arrive with a heavy stomach, dragging my feet. And its just the first month.
Is this a reflection of my incompetence?
or my lack of adjustment skills?(or rather, resistance to change)
or my alarmist/dramatic tendencies?(as people like Unni wld no doubt think)
Or is it a genuine problem..with Acn and particularly the boss being the culprit?
Or is neither at fault - just a fitment issue?

For one of the very few times in my life, (esp academic/professional life), I am woozy in the head on this. I dont know. Neither can I think of someone who I trust could help me clear my mind.

The good and the bad, but no time to record

Had a lovely weekend, which I wanted to write about.
But the week itself is going so horribly, that I dont have either the time or the inclination now to do so.
Hope the inclination returns by evening.

Internal workings of the mind

Sejal - current flatmate - F,31
On the surface - well off, independent (tho fr a conservative family), loves to laugh, friendly, cheerful, good taste in aesthetics, passionate abt food,finicky abt cleanliness, well travelled, intelligent, wants like-minded people
Under the surface - senitive, romantic, scarred from a turbulent childhood, insecure abt herself- mentally n physically, on the verge of a terrible depression that wl take her over and make her a v bitter lady, if something drastically good doesnt happen soon (like finding a decent guy, instead of the ignorant assholes her parents keep forcing down her throat)

Eugene - v close for abt 6 months, and then slowly drifted away - M, 24
On the surface - smart alec, perceptive, intelligent, argumentative, cold, sharp sense of humor, typical MBA, all set to climb the corporate ladder
Under the surface - V sensitive, insecure, restless, big dreams, romantic - chucked up cool job to go to Tanzania (!!), where he;s selling cars, living a grt lifestyle with his girlfriend, and saving for another MBA fr London.

Whether it be long term relationships or short term friendships like these.....is it in my nature to be drawn to those who dont fit the mould, defy the stereotypes? Or do I fool myself - there ARE no stereotypes...I am just lucky(smart?) enuff to to dig a little and find the cores?

Doesnt really matter, either ways.
I love people - and I love immersing myself in people. It is often painful, but always, always enriching.

headache

Have a headache that cld easily come into the 2003 top 10 category!

I know i am being too premature/alarmist/insecure/grumpy/ etc etc...but am seriously re thinking abt the sense of coming here.
am not thinking TOO much, coz whats done is done.
what i AM thinking abt it, whether i shd do something abt it, or try to float for some time...and then make a decision.
on one hand, looking out barely a month after joining sounds too much like quitting.
on the other hand, if i take this decision 3-6 months later, it sounds too half baked..i am neither here nor there.
which means i take a clear decision to either cry out for help now, or wait for a civilised year.

Am strongly tempted to do it NOW.
the headache, of course, is being pushy.

Wl blog tomorrow without the headache.

I get bugged so easily

Well, the weekend woes turned out to be true to anticipation (self fulfilling prophecy?) - it was exhausting...more than that, i didnt really relish the experience of cleaning the house, with madam making her critical comments as she herself cleaned the fans......i mean...what the fuck....when the maid hasnt come, and u hv to do the other stuff, y is cleaning the fans so bloody important right now? but no, it has to be done now. and on her timeline too...if i want to relax on a sunday morning and keep this for the afternoon....no siree...no can do....well, at least she had the grace to admit that she reminded herself of her mother...and then in the evening her comment "i told my friends u ran away for the day coz i nagged u"....defying my self destructively polite nature, i did not contradict her this time..hopefully this wl save me fr another weekend like this.

if that was ms. ajmera turning colors at home, worse was mr.girish turning into mr. sarcasm at office....WHY does he think I have no work? DO i have to constantly publicise the fact that I am working??? Sorry...to me that is as vulgar as showing off yr riches.....and if he thinks i am going to change some basic ethics I have to suit this environment, he;s got a rethink coming...i am not going to use 20 min to describe my activities when it can be done in 2 min...i am not going to keep making snide comments abt long working hours.....i firmly believe that no. of working hours have NOTHING to do with quality of work, and i dont see any reason here to change my beliefs, people like rinku and sameer notwithstanding.
and my basic panga is - if u have an issue with me, talk to me direct. sitting in a group with a sly smile on yr face, commenting "you seem to have some amount of time with you, y dont u take it up" is NOT my idea of a professional.

As this blog suggests, I am very particular abt what I like/dislike..what i want/dont want.

In fact, right now, a steaming cup of tea n some spicy pakoras wld be great...its raining outside...and Blr looks cool. Wish I had some good company though, today I am in the mood to crib!!!

Oh yes..just remembered another reason for me being so bugged..i have just discovered thart 15th August is NOT a holiday for us...and neither was 4 July, when my deal wasnt working...so WHEN does HR get a holiday? another sly smile fr mr.sarcasm "thats the way it goes"....and i was planning to take 14th and 15th aug off to visit home....everyone else has planned their activities around my anticipated visit.....i just hope that girish wl be decent abt it and i wont have to disappoint them/...creep.

Morning music n weekend woes

what a corny title...but titles like this seem to abound in bookshelves nowdays as IWE become more n more fashonable.
Another thing that has been fashionable for some time is reverse snobbery, being proud of anything rural n looking down upon anything urban. I genuine;y find a glass of iced tea much more refreshing than a glass of "aam panna" freshly picked fr the trees. so sue me....does that make me an "urban snob". I wonder why every like/dislike has to have attached a judgement with it...why cant it just be? I like lassi more than iced tea.....i like blue more than earthy colours....i like socialising more than being alone.....i like non veg more than veg......our preference just IS. doesnt have to be good or bad.

I actually chatted with Sid for more than an hr today. How strange. But then chatting or even laughing with him has never been a problem. The problem is liking, of which there is none.

Office was so hectic for 2 and a half days....and then hardly done any work for the next 2 and a half days. I wonder if i am doing something wrong. How can everyone have so much work and me none? Is my natural laziness asserting itself? Scary. I hope I dont fall behind.

There...i used the word ...."fall behind" . Not I am self admittedly part of the "rat race". Shit.

A weekend coming up...lots of things to do, lots of people to meet.
I hope I am able to set up my room as I want to.
I hope I am able to set up my relationships as I want to.

I have not met a single decent looking girl in Acn who I cld get interested in. So a blank here too. Wl there ever be action on this front? I am beginning to seriously doubt it.

Crazy weekend and some relief

Found acco...yay.
Finalised a place on Friday....all set to move in on Sunday...last minute call fr Sejal..her flatmate moving out....last minute changes - clarifications n apologies to landlord, waiting for flatmate to move out....moved in on Sunday evening....
and it was hot throughout the weekend!!! today, when i am indoors, its cool. The sun;s old enmity with me hasnt died down....

Its a nice place....small room, small cupboard (have to ask Sejal for xtra shelf space for clothes...)...there;s a lovely park just opposite the road....and next door, there;s an aerobics studio that blasts music at the ungodly hour of 6 30 a.m!!!!!!! i woke up with a start....today, it was my sheer exhaustion that allowed to me go back to sleep...what wl happen tomorrow onwards? i shudder.

cash flow has become easier because of this move...no deposit etc. thank god..this was a major tension in my mind for some time.

But..(why is there always a "but"?!)....i have yet to get full approval of her landlord who lives below....wl meet them today..hope they dont create problems.....

had martinis 2 evenings in a row...i had been so "thirsty"!

am rushing off to Cunnghm rd now...why is there always a tension knot in my stomach when i go there? creeps. me a moron too.

Irritants and learning and despondency and love

Its been some time since previous post...actually its just been 5 days, but feels like much more.
The irritants remain the same as they were last week....in fact, they hv increased in intensity causing further increase (imaginary) in BP etc...!

Am tied up, bored, restless, sleepy ...all at the same time.

Actually, its all a "learning experience"....as time goes by, its interesting to learn things abt oneself....i quite surprise myself sometimes. My first surprise was when i joined polaris, and realised that my inclination was to processes n systems, rather than designs n models as I had believed earlier.
Another surprise is when I am here, and realise that I value the "sense of ownership" in an Indian co., rather than the distanced, matter of fact approach of an MNC....a person being a decent character is as important to me as his level of competence as a professional.

Parish would have got married yesterday. Its such a strange feeling..to be so removed from the life of a person that you were once so involved with. I know I have mentioned this before, and I know I will mention this again, because this will keep happening - relationships will come and go, leaving me enriched n battered.

Nostalgia hit big time again 2 days ago, when a new video - shubha mudgal's kisson ki chadar - caught the eye.
I often project myself 20-30 years from now and think abt the kind of nostalgia I wl go thro then - the wealth of memories that I wl have to draw on - the roller coater ride my emotions will take me on.
This video was on a similar theme. Made me cry.

I sound like such a whiny sometimes!

Am still not feeling that settled in Acn. One, though I am an HR rep, the feeling of "being responsible" for people is not there...after all, how many can look after a bunch of 70 ppl?! tina is already there...and she;s sweet, but also a little wary of me, and i dont want to increase her wariness by being too assertive etc....otherwise, 2 prjs on my table...both interesting in theory but slightly irritation in action.
The exposure I am getting is excellent, no doubt...first hand understanding of sophisticated systems being used globally, a hard working;"achievement oriented" workforce with xcellent commn skills; being part of initiatives being set up fr scratch.
Hence, hv sternly told myself (i always have to talk to myself sternly, nobody else does so!) that i wont think too much...wl take it day by day and put in my best efforts...wl reevaluate after some time - kya paya, kya khoya....

I want to party too!! Just dance n drink a little n be with people I genuinely like....i repeat this statement every few months and it makes me sound like such a maladjusted person...! But I am not! I am quite sociable, and mix with different types of people....its just that there;s an inner me that often craves for things just perfect, just so.
that craving for perfection drives me, but doesnt spoil my present. ( or at least it doesnt most of the time..!)

I need....want (whatever!)...an ice cream. Shall have one today. Yippee.

All fart, little shit

Everyone here keeps running around, muttering ominous sounding words like "calls" n meetings...everything is in the form of a "pitch"..u r illiterate until u master power point....(who cares abt xcel, thats just data)...they schedule meetings at 8 and 9 pm....and keep talking abt pizza lunches....
i do feel like a misfit here...!!!

Sore throat and Low morale

Why am i feeling so low?
I mean- there ARE irritants,....apprehensions of the new job n yr performance there, a bad cell connection, the nightmares of househunting, missing mummy a lot, missing gurgaon too.....
but then, i AM in Bangalore, a city i like ; i am with people i am close to and can rely on ; i am working with a brand name that wl increase value of my resume......

then why am i feeling so low?
maybe its more an "unsettled" feeling.....didnt get a comp till today morning....dont have an id card or a mail id yet.....hvmt made "real" friends in office yet.....uncertainty over house.....

maybe i'll be better next week.

About HR in Accenture :

4 days now, and what I can say is that its been an "interesting" experience.

The background :

They have ramped up 1500 people in Blr over the past 6 months. In between, they had a ramp up plan of 500/5 ..where they got 500 ppl in 5 weeks. The current headcount is abt 1500 in Blr (and abt 1000 in BBay)...the plan is to have 4000 ppl by Dec.....adding abt 200 a month to CRM and abt 150 a month to BPO ( and the rest to IT).

What is fascinating abt this place is that is a BIG (and BIG means 12 billion dollars revenue, 77000 ppl) and small ( India - 2500 ppl, growing rapidly) place at the same time., Hence, the pace and image of growth we saw in polaris is inverted here. An offer letter template is not in place, but the perf mgmt tool is. There;s a fabulous induction process, but the lotus notes id takes a week.

To help in the initial months, they brought in HR (mainly recruiters) ppl fr all around the world to chip in here, and set up things. The recruiting process, HR recruitment, perf mgmt tools, trng tools, etc have been set up and the expats are in the process of leaving over the next month.

Structure :

Currently, the HR is structure's like this..

each arm - IT (or IDC), BPO and CRM hv separate HR.

in addition, there is a "shared services" team, which is like corp hr..it has perf mgmt, comp n ben, recruitment processes, and pl note - HR capabilities ...all alloted to diff ppl.

BPO HR -

this is headed by Girish. and has 3 parts to it - (total ppl expected by 1 sep - 30)

1. shared services - where there r ppl working on policies, induction, emply commn, comp n ben, "HR for HR", processes etc (8)

2. Business HR - which is essentially HR reps for various deals.

Pl note : hr reps are part of the HR team, they hv dual responsibilities sometimes, but only one reporting- to girish. they dont even have dotted reporting to deal head.(8)

3. recruitment . - rect has a lot of emphasis - each rect team has people assigned to diff functions - sourcing, channel mgmt, candidate mgmt, transit coordinators, recruitment analyst, recruitment processes, executive search etc etc. seems to be working well till now.

and each of these arms wl hv "leads" who wl report to girish.

the current ratio of no. of hr ppl to total ppl is awful. but they r prepared for the days ahead. the hr teams shd be in place.

had the HR induction yest....15 HR ppl had joined across businesses....all these senior HR mgmt, i.e. the expats made prsns and shared the story so far and what is expected.

again, all roles are well mapped out...lines of responsibility well defined....but it has a unreal feeling abt it....as if some textbook is being read...can that textbook come alive? only time wl tell.

what one can certainly tell now, is that they are serious abt HR....and naturally hv high expectations...no HR person is xpected stay in more than one role for more than 15 months....either u move up or laterally, or go out. the message is v clear.

HRIS :

People in Polaris, count yr blessings that u arent HR rep in Acc....the HRIS here is sooo bad its diff to believe. Its designed by peoplesoft, captures half the relevant info in ugly visuals, and generates reports on which u hv to work for half n hr to get the info u want. that wld be ok if one says that its still in infant stage, and things wl be better once feedback goes.

where wl feedback go? it takes 3/4 months and innumerable meetings to get anything changed.

empower, where art thou?!!!

Me :

I am HR rep for a deal - it is an old BPO taken over by accenture recently. I hv to work with a lady who;s been here for 3 yrs. She;s not an mba, or a hot-shot HR exec, ...but v nice n pleasant. that makes a lot of diff to me.

The office - hmmm....for those in chennai, pl remember shakti towers..for those in delhi, pl remember nehru place.

goodbye, fancy lunches n coke n pizza meetings, dell flat screen comps n snazzy bathrooms.

well.....lets see how it turns out....in terms of environment, its definitely exciting...in terms of work, wl find out soon enough!!