I sip the hot tea; the sugar and caffeine merge and allow me to open this page and try and articulate the sinking feeling that I have been living with since I woke up today (or was it since the Sunday encounter with R?)
But how does one articulate what one refuses to acknowledge? What thoughts contribute to the knot in the stomach? What emotions cause sudden tears to emerge? What is this platter of feelings that I keep locked away in a vault, the route to which I have caused myself to forget? And once in a while, when my heart refuses to listen to the cautionings of the mind, I stumble upon them and look upon them a bit in wonder, because I had nearly forgotten they existed. And, without warning, they have taken over. I clutch at the pillow and the steering wheel and I know that I am in the grip of something so intrinsic that it has ceased to be recognizable. And I know its a downhill ride from here, there's no one around to hold me, to clutch me hard as I tumble down, it's all up to me and me alone, as it usually is, and I swiftly try to close the vault and put the mask back on, my hand shakes once and the mask falls, and then i pick it up again more firmly this time, and put it back on.
And now it's settling back into my face. The vault is closed but I can still feel the dread it evokes. I wonder how long it will take before the mask hardens and the smell disappears.
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