Negative energy

It started early this year. Flickers of irritation, fueled by unwelcome insights; creeping sense of discontentment, pushed away with disbelieving hands. A refusal to make resolutions, simply because of the realization that I still had baggage from the previous two years. All this simmered under the surface...till a few weeks ago, when it exploded into full fledged emotion.

Anger, at myself. Irritation, with people. Dislike, of my environment. Dissatisfaction, with the returns.

At the face of it, I could call this a "phase" and think of practical ways to get beyond it, like an unpleasant terrain. But...this is something deeper. This is one of those times, which are going to determine the course of my next couple of years. Which is why I am not fighting it too much. There's a lot of energy floating right now, and its natural that some of it would turn negative, as it is focuses my "switched on" mind on the lost potential, unrealised wishes, repressed disappointments, unexpressed envy, harsh realities and so on.

But I am hopeful that my mind will be reasonable the way its always been in such negative situations and remind me that these things, after all, are a part and parcel of everyone's life. Thus bringing out a different facet to this energy - a stronger will, a clearer purpose and greater strength to deal with the significant trials that I know lie before me this year.

It's not going to be easy though. Moving in a positive mode. It's as if I took off last year - in a state of enthusiasm and dizzy excitement - and now I am unsure of what direction to take. All around me I see people moving in purposeful directions, not always happy, but then happiness is usually an accident. What one controls and can achieve is control, a moral compass, a sense of doing what's right, a feeling of being at peace with oneself. It's that what I miss right now and probably that's why other, more material benchmarks of life, pinch me more. Its quite ironical actually!! I am actually going through what I believe most other people go through most of the time (and what I always believed I wouldn't be so prone to!). So again - this is like a grounding. And that's an interesting word - does it imply I was flying too high? Or too rashly? Or too aimlessly? Or too carelessly? I dont know, and I dont think its that relevant.

What's important is that I end this state of mind - this anger, dissatisfaction, irritation, dislike. I slowly let the cacophony of shouts and whispers that haunt me daily nowdays melt into a murmur and finally get silenced; allowing myself to listen to my core, that tells me what to do, what I can do. That allows me to smile, and plan, and have fun, and act, and love, and take love, and achieve, and create, and focus - all at the same time.

Again.