Recoveries and Relapses

For all my resolve to maintain an even equilibrium and focus this year, I have been doing a pretty decent imitation of an emotional yo yo for the past month or so.

Considering that I do not have the time or the inclination for self indulgence to describe the preceding weeks in detail, I will let my office-like "summary" instincts take over...

> A spate of bad news from people I am close to rocked the hell out of me...ranging from divorce (after a month of marriage...), to death/illness of loved ones, to accidents, to losing one's job. I will resist the temptation to invoke Kafka but a nightmarish scenario it certainly was, not without its share of black humor as I caricaturised myself in the hapless avatar of a jinx who turns to dust all the lives he touches.

> Continuing the breathless pace was my Delhi trip which turned out to be one long shopping-dining-drinking-driving trip. Naturally that translated into a significant dent (or one can call use the term cleaning out) in my wallet but at the end of the day, it was worth it (as spending money usually is). I am glad I was able to provide the kids with a genuinely good time, the first they had had after September...also glad I was able to spend some time with Shk n Shal beyond the standard 2 hrs assigned for a lunch/dinner. With Shal esp, I think our relationship moved a little forward after having been in a cold freeze for years. Regretted are the less than adequate time spent with Nan, and the inability to meet up with Dom...I wonder why he withdrew to such a great extent.

> Also keeping me on my toes have been the "online friends" I have accumulated. Status check:

* Vik - met, not-so-great chemistry, settled into occasional chatting, combo of fun n serious
* Kit - met, had already become good friend so no hiccups, settled into regular conversations, growing
* A - constant sms touch (approx. 1500 sms over a week I think), good chemistry so far, highly unpredictable future esp considering age diff
* Amit (Sun) - met, decent meeting yet something was not right, a conflict of my charitable instincts and harsher moral fabric. Should not and will not move fwd unless something drastic happens (connected is also my changing thoughts on M in relation to this....)
* Lord - THE most intriguing of the lot and the most slippery to catch (one is probably a function of the other) and hence here the future is totally out of my hands. This lack of control is a pleasant change and irritating at the same time.

What I have realised is that this has been a good experiment and provided me with yet another facet of relationships that I hadnt explored (for example, the fact that all of the above are gay is an interesting comment by itself). However, the reason I have met 3 of the five and want to meet the other two as well is because I have realised something important about myself - I am not as laissez faire and compartmentalized about relationships as I had thought I had become. Online relationships can never be an end by themselves for me.

So this is me. From 15 Jan to 12 Feb. Summarised neatly, packaged, trimmed, edited and presented. The recoveries and relapses can be read in the fine print.