Is it a plane? Is it an alien? No! It’s Superman!
(At least that’s how I think it went)
Ok. I am nuts. Or nearly there. The flip flop of my emotions have done me in. The sense that I have just revisited my 30 years (not 30 yet!!) in the past couple of months has sapped my mind of coherent thought. I sit in the extremely crowded and noisy departure hall of Cal airport feeling a little like the Alice in Wonderland characters who have plenty to say but never make sense.
Bobo’s voice reverberates in my ears, going “hoo hoo hoo…” endlessly, pushing me with his body language (not to mention will) in every direction he wants to go. Mummy’s eyes are right in front of me, often tired, always loving, never complaining. Dolly is jumping, coaxing her son to laugh and giggle, and then he turns towards me again. “Hoo hoo hoo…”….”show me the mirror, take me outside…” and I feel like jumping up right now, holding my arms out like a taxi driver opens the door to eagerly awaiting passengers. Except that I won’t charge. At least not in cash. I want that smile, the happy eyes. Anjan sits smiling placidly, until his wife brings him back to reality with a reminder or a warning. He is tired too. And sleepy. But he is game for suggestions. And Bobo has plenty. He would like a quick bite for starters, and it could be even be his Mom’s shoulder….
And so it goes on. An endless replay of scenes in my mind, in full color and with Dolby sound. I can even patch the scenes together to create a full – fledged movie. Though it may appeal to only very esoteric European audiences who will take the khichdi I will serve as an output of eclectic imagination. Because I will serve a khichdi. The format will be very Hindi-filmy-family. Smiles, a good natured baby, good clothes, good food, well decorated house. The emotions will be very Hollywoodish and simple – tension, love, anger, strain, sadness. The pattern is what will make it European – I start with tension…move to relief…then affection…and love…and then worries….and then sadness….and then some more love…then some feel-good positivism…then strain…some silence…love again…and then sadness. How can any good movie start with tension and end with sadness? I certainly won’t watch it.
The last coherent thought I had when this movie was starting was the one that reminded me (for the umpteenth time) how love is the biggest cause of sadness in the world. I was incredibly tense about Mummy’s opn and the impact it would have on her. Other high points of the trip were of a similar nature – blinking back tears at Bobo’s heartrending screams (and pleading eyes) when they took his blood for testing. Assuring Dolly fervently that the future will work out all right (and inwardly hoping and hoping and hoping that it will be so, because this lovely family just doesn’t deserve any more shit). And finally, plonking one last kiss on the baby’s cheek, feeling his fingers grip my shoulder, hugging them to somehow convey the immensity of what I feel, the tears that I can’t shed.
I just forgot my cell phone where I was sitting; that’s something I don’t do often. I went back after ten minutes and found it there, thank God. But it’s kind of woken me up a little. The rush of travel activity; the hilarious book; the browsing of people’s faces – this self prescription of Prozac is not so effective any more. The words, the sounds, the faces, the hands…the bloody fucking awful real mad soothing loving terrible feeling – it’s all there. Sharp.
No comments:
Post a Comment