from grey to growth to....?

I just re-read my last year's "new year" post, which I think has become a sort of ritual now, thanks to my insistence on this being the time of the year for 'reflection and thinking and planning" etc etc!

The biggest thing on my mind last year was the ambiguity around work and personal life...there was so much happening with no clue where all those threads would lead me.

And now I need to ask myself - where DID they lead? I actually dont have a top-of-the-mind response to this. At first glance, there are some basics that are not truly "right" today as a result of some choices I made. But then there are some moments of intense happiness I can look back upon, professional achievement and personal peace. I have never doubted myself as much as I did this year, yet there's a sense of pride in the way I handled several challenges with new people in my life, incl DB. So if I go the "report card" way, it's probably a never ending comparison on the two sides of the line.

But there IS one clear outcome - growth. Last year I had taken 2 leaps of faith. This year, I ventured into more uncharted territory, uncovering skills, inclination, attitudes and personality traits that hadn't existed or were dormant. I questioned myself a lot, trying to de-layer motives and arrive at the real factors that drove me. I checked myself too, trying to control reactions so that they are not too impulsive or damaging to myself and others. I learnt some new words - patience, for example :) and some new worlds too - DCN business for example. Not to mention visited new places, explored new cultured and vastly increased my wardrobe contents!!

And this growth is very, very satisfying. Because - more signifcant than my fear of ambiguity and greyness in life (which I mentioned in last year's note) is my fear of stagnation.

What next? What fear will drive this year? I think some demons from the past are surfacing...and hence my focus this year will be on building some sense of security and rejecting behaviors or decisions that make me feel unstable or unclear. This means taking some tough stands, not all of them positive. Will I be able to do that? Lets check a year later :)

On a side note, its interesting to note how negative triggers (fear) drive positive outcomes (focus, growth etc.) This keeps happening to me at work too!