Pain, relief and hope

I type this out bleary eyed in a plane seat, occasionally staring out at the grey skies, sometimes pausing to reflect how I am imitating the very action I get irritated by in others. As recent events have taught me (again), never say never.

There are jailbait like air hostesses (guest service associates?) in tight red outfits smiling pleasantly and handing out plastic goodies. People around me are absorbing the news of the day with an attention equal in intensity to the apathy they will show when finished with the papers. And I sit here typing away badly crafted sentences. I am hungry too.

And yet this normalcy on the surface makes me laugh as I contrast it with the swirl of thoughts and emotions that’s beneath it.

I can’t and don’t really want to capture the details of the past few weeks and the events that have tired me. I knew that the days were getting heavier, that I was feeling an increasing lack of control, that balls that juggled well earlier were slipping now, that I was approaching parts of my mind that had been carefully ignored so far.

But never did I realize the extent of the pain and exhaustion that had seeped my soul until I spent the last few hours with U. The sense of relief provided by his presence indicated how much I needed it, and yet hadn’t acknowledged. In a few hours, I had accomplished what would have otherwise been a life long exercise…stripping and dissecting and digging and crying and laughing.

Give me love any day. Over romance, over excitement, over sex, over adoration, over fun, over all these elements that provide us momentary relief as we struggle through our daily lives. Give me love – the purity, the security, the kindness – any day.

It has given me the strength to look at reality and wonder at the people who have dominated my mindspace for the past few days. And I smile to myself. It’s a smile of amusement, and sometimes of sadness. I remember fights, I remember animated conversations, I remember the chemistry, I remember the silences. With K, a recent whirlwind. With L, an old anchor. With Sm, a new presence.

I wonder what the future holds for me. With U’s decision, it’s actually a turning point in my life as well. I know that I have been moving towards this point for the past two years and I am mentally prepared for it. Coinciding as it does with other (equally emotional) events set in motion by M, I have a feeling this portends a far deeper, more significant shift in mindset, approach, behavior and lifestyle than even I expected. But I am prepared. In a way, the exhaustion of the soul over the past few weeks is welcome. It’s made me stronger.

I hope.