land of the living dead

I sit in this small room, check my archived mails and burst into tears every few moments. I call up people just to hear a friendly voice and distract me from the images that keep floating in my head. I hear Mama's voice every so often in my ear and I want to turn around and see him standing there with a wry smile on his face. I also want to suspend my disbelief and internalise the fact that he's gone. I dont want to work, I dont want to talk about people agenda and flyer updates and communication portals. I dont want to be unoccupied either. I dont want to read or watch movies that may make me think or feel. I shudder at the thought of the next few days. I am worrying about the people I left behind in Delhi and how they are dealing with it and what they are thinking. I am worried about mummy getting back to dhaka and sitting alone and then internalising what's happened and then going into depression. i miss L n U, both of whom understand perfectly what I am going through and both of whom are not available, L for a week and U for some months. I dont look forward to putting a plastic smile and telling everyone i am fine, i do look forward to hearing some gossip which no one seems to have. i just want him back. i just want him back.