Make or Break

Am uncharacteristically mentally unprepared for the week ahead. Tension at work - an audit that will most certainly throw up unwanted Reds, and launch of initiatives that could just flop. In personal life too, cow webs havent cleared. Hence, had a bad weekend.

Back on Top?

After the low last week, have somehow dragged myself to the surface....

> The weekend and yesterday (which was also off) were spent in being out and having a good time....movies, dinners, friends coming over etc. etc. Have kept my mind occupied.
> Have cleared things with L, which is SUCH A RELIEF.
> Sidharth had a baby....and i am VERY HAPPY.

I am thankful for these moments of relief and joy, because a lot of other aspects continue to be dark grey. Darshan....Hina...Vicky...Unni...Mummy.- all keep playing on my mind for different reasons, either for the uncertainty factor, or the pain factor, or both. I hope the cow webs clear soon.

Positivity and Acidity

3 day weekend...madness, laughter, silence and positivity.

And now the week.....acidity, irritation and anger....anger at people's inconsistency between thought - emotion - words - action.....their silliness at being myopic....their malice towards colleagues and ex-friends....their inability to get out of corners they have painted themselves into....

Fuck. Hitting the low now.

Excerpts from the blog posted on 3rd Jan 2004 :

"The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix? Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe.
For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!"

Thoughts -

> The prediction was right...2004 was a mix, a frenetic, chaotic, delicious mix of experiences and thoughts, with emotions being kept more or less on the backburner.

> The resolution did not work out, as resolutions are generally wont to....."a good mix of indulgence and caution" was not how I led the year!!

> Key "milesontes"- 3 weddings (Dolly, Venkat, Shweta), 5 new friends (Shweta, Venkat, Saurabh, Mohit, Hina), 3 trips (Dhaka, Ooty, Pondicherry), 1 promotion, a lot of parties/photographs/dinners/work output.

> To-do list for 2005 -
(a) Spend less money
(b) Keep weight in control
(c) Start teaching as Visiting Faculty in local colleges
(d) Move to Delhi
(e) Visit Kerala

Set the tone

I am incredibly superstitious about this time....

While I consider the accomanying celebrations as pure frivolous, forced madness, I do consider it as an opportunity to pause and reflect upon the past and define some plans/objectives for the future. Yes, we can do this anytime...but caught as we are in our frenetic, chaotic lives, we don't, do we?

Anyway, I usually try to ensure that the first few days of the year starting 12am, 1st Jan pass such that they set the right tone for the rest of the year. This time...
> had wine and chocolate exactly at 12 am!
> had good, pleasant conversation on 31st eve-1st...
> spent a quiet, relaxed weekend, deliberately avoided reaching out to people and instead spent time alone
> read a fun filled, pacy book...saw 3 movies, two old favorites and one new

Hope this works the trick. Will do a status check in Dec 2005.

Decimation

The vagueness of last week has morphed into a very clear theme for this week - sadness and irritation....

> The characters in Raincoat, who scare you because you recognise them
> The natural disaster that caught everyone by surprise. How does one deal with the loss of 25000 people at one go? Is there a reason??? None.
> Grown men who have stopped growing...decimation of character, of skills. Reduced to blubbering idiots through romance/family demands/inner conflicts/general craziness etc. etc.

Floating

I cannot identify any defining characteristic for last week.....in fact, if I have to remember the week and myself in it, the primary sensation is one of floating

Not really sure what I am feeling....what state of mind I am in.....what am I aiming it, what I am avoiding....who plays what role in my life....what's the future of the traditionally central players (Darshan....L...)....who from the periphery will move in (Vicky...Hina..Harneet...)...

The weekend was good.....a great movie (Swades), 2 great DVDs, a pacy book read at one go (Never Tear Us Apart), long chats with Shweta and Unni, a full 8-hours sleep, the house cleaned up, a Sunday morning at Coffee Day with newspapers and tea. Aah!

Upcoming - the Christmas weekend (hopefully I will get to try out some of the new eating joints) and the scheduled New Year weekend's trip. I can see plenty of opportunities that will force me out of the current state of ambiguity, into hopefully not-too-extreme states of mind.

Life rocks.

Reactions & Relationships

I had sent the following poem to a few people who I thought would appreciate it -

some kind of power

the world is just moving towards a destination
i am staying behind sitting on my side
the tv is on, and some song is playing
the worst bit is, i want the tv off.

my world is sometimes reduced to a room
and mountains and the tigers dont exist
talking to someone new is such a crazily good thing
but it happens lesser and lesser now.

the world is starting to bore me
not because i am fast but cause it just too slow
something new has to happen soon
or i will be old

Got some reactions from them and then I of course had to comment on their reactions too!

Have got interesting responses from all - interesting not because of the variety of reaction that poetry normally evokes but due to the consistent response - that this poem struck a resonant chord with everyone. Everyone could identify with it.

If everyone can identify with the sense of all-consuming boredom/cynical humor bordering on bitterness that is expressed here (not permanently I am sure, but occasionally at least), its cause for apprehension - why should friends who would otherwise be considered intelligent, sensitive & articulate express this as a "reaction" to a poem sent on mail instead of normal modes of expression, i.e. conversation?

Conversely, conversations with friends (am I using the right word now?) become suspect. How different are they from conversations with so-called acquaintances or even strangers? Though I speak from personal experience only, but my answer to this is "hardly any difference".

Hence, is the corollary to this that relationships and the extent of their depth don't matter any more? Or is it that we don't have faith in them any more? Or maybe the latter is the cause, and the former the effect.

To go further, is this (decreasing faith in and relevance of relationships) a conscious movement on our part? Or is it an unwitting vicious cycle we have got drawn into - did the quickened pace of life necessitate junk food communication to the extent that relationships ceased to act as reliable support systems.....in turn, the fabric of conversation becoming tissue-like under the weight of the banality of the relationship itself?

Thoughts and so many questions. On this and so many other things that affect us. Do you also have them? If yes, where are they?

Low

Not sure why, have been extremely low for the past week or two......I am sure the sense of dullness and boredom is evident even at work. Part of it is due to standard people oriented reasons - Darshan, L, Vicky etc....a sense of futility and low self worth that somehow seems to get accentuated once in a while. Like this.

Even last night, after the Core party, tried a lot on my own to get myself energised....the music was good...could have danced...then sat at coffee day with a nice stephen king...spoke to mummy for a long time abt movies.....went for a long drive, with good music.....worked to some point and then it was back in the quicksand.

Have just spent the last few hours at the Flyer family day, getting more irritated with people, and even more than them, with myself. For being so unnecessarily complex and having such high standards, for thinking so much and feeling so much, or going to the other extreme and stopping the thought/emotion process altogether.

I got my horoscope for this week a few days ago (something which I usually dont check out) and it said that I will be prone to heavy mood swings this week due to movement in planetary energies. It certainly feels like that, because there is no specific cause for depression. It's just a sense of being low and being more sensitive than normal to the hits from life.

update

Had lots to say, but no time to actually write it out.....or maybe things were just so complex that putting it in linear written form would have taken too much effort....hence, dug out the dictaphone and used it after ages. Felt good to put into words all I had been feeling. Will try to return to blog properly, though.

Unni's traced this blog through Aish. Not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, have tried to keep this page only for myself. On the other, ideally there's nothing on my mind that I would actually keep from him (note: I used the word ideally.....whats been happening in reality is another matter!)....this may very well be the forum for resurgence of communication. And that's good. Coz I miss him terribly.

I really wish I could write well....Darshan's persona as he approaches his marriage (6 months away) can be a hilarious (albeit tinged with cynicism) study. However, here the heart rules the mind and I just feel bad at the multitude, often contradictory, thoughts & emotions that envelop him. As usual, the feeling of helplessness is frustrating. All I can do is be there. At least, unlike some others he doesnt push me away to drown alone in sorrow!

One of the common reactions I am experiencing towards people nowdays is anger. Anger at duplicity, at relentless self promotion, at hollowness of promises, at inability to stand up for themselves, at general wimpishness, at the use n throw attitude.........everything, all the time!!!! Honestly speaking, its not as if people have suddenly started displaying these attributes, hence its something within me that's driving this reaction. Not sure what, though. It's not very healthy, either. Either one should do something with the anger and make a genuine difference somewhere, else its just destructive to the self and the relationships.

Strangely, haven't been reading a lot lately either!! This is despite there being a host of interesting books lying at home which I haven't read! Including intricate murder mysteries!! Should pick up a Stephen King....thats always a good kick start into relentless reading.

Am really really worried about Mummy. Dolly too, actually. Its unfair that I make less of her tendency to depression because she's younger, healthier and has a hubby who takes care of her. That doesnt make internal turmoil any lesser.....(this is exactly the kind of trap most people fall into). Hence, am really worried about both Mummy & Dolly. I hope they get occupied soon. Thats the critical first step.

End of the Vacation and the beginning of...? 6th to 10th Sep

Interesting play of words

Just finished a very interesting book - Peter Straub's The Hellfire Club...contrary to the pop-bestseller kind of look it had, it turned out to be a complicated, engaging mystery.

A couple of the recordable sentences fr the book....

"Dreams never give up. Like tigers, they simply lay in wait until fresh meat came along"

"If she had any feelings, they were like the little black, shriveled husks left behind by a fire. She supposed that someday they would turn into feelings"

Shining Light

Without any envy/resentment/irritation/condescension/reservation/intimidation, I feel nothing but genuine whole hearted appreciation for Nanima and Mummy.

Without spouting adjectives about their abilities or listing facts that demonstrate them , I confidently feel they are the two finest ladies I have known.

My detached appreciation mingles with unconditional love as I think about the massive challenges that they have constantly faced throughout their lives, and the courage and dignity with which they have overcome them; the gentleness of their demeanour and the warmth of their relations even when they have had multiple cause to find bitterness or wariness; the ability to laugh, at the world and themselves, however low they might be; the choice they make to find pleasures in the smallest of things and thus retain the pure child in thir souls.

Of course, both are individuals and I could write much much more in detail about what their specfic strengths (and even weaknesses) are. But right now, I am just seized by the sense of gratitude and love borne out of having them being the fountainhead of my life.

Vacation update

Well....vacation's nearly over....I have spent more than a week here, and the day after tomorrow I will be leaving.

It's so ironic. The so many times in my life when I have just been overtaken by the hundreds (seemingly thousands) of things happening, I manage to find words to sum it up and definie patterns/themes. Now, when I have basically been sitting around the house and spending time with 3 people, I find myself unable to do so. (i.e. sum it up neatly).

Hence, some impressions....

> Long conversations with Mummy, on...well, generally the state of the world - Dolly, Anjan, Dolly n Anjan (together), Nanima, Mama, Mami, Masi, Unni, Shweta, Deepti etc etc. Not so much on the "future". We are kind of agreed that we want to keep that open.

> Movies, movies, movies. Bought 35 DVDs. Saw 7 movies. Saw the entire Friends season 10. Saw entire Mad About You season 2.

> Rediscovery of the net - ryze (added 2 new friends, got added onto a network), blog (3 posts in one week....says it all), imdb (contributed to message boards, read daily news, searched for movies, read reviews etc etc.). I even got linked somehow to a few porn sites, so I finally saw what they look like.

>A look into the past, and it feels like a dream. The classrooms at Don Bosco, the grocery shop near the park in GK, the Dussehra program at TGApts, the long chats in Srinath's cramped drawing room, the picnics with the BBM group, the tuition classes at Vasundhra, the midnight walks at IMT, the meetings with HR Orion - I have snaps of all these, but was I really there??????????????? It just feels like a dream. And then suddenly, I feel exhausted. There's so much to remember, and hence so much to think about, so much to feel. And the feelings aren't always great. The pain comes back. Hard.

Mood

Dark clouds gather and promise a new beginning. Ghulam Ali sings of an erotic, romantic, dead past. PD James describes sin and loneliness in young priests. And a film on vampires awaits my indulgence.

In the evening, I will take a walk and try to find some interesting faces and think about the stories that could lie behind them.

The absorbed demons of the past and the hollow promises of the future fuse into a mellow present.

Vacation?

The vacation truly started when I entered the Calcutta international departure terminal and got an eyeful of the warehouse effect that the artistic natives had created. It got better when I went through the round of check in-immigration-customs with cheerful, helpful Bongs.

And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.

Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!!

At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.

Vacation?

The vacation truly started when I entered the Calcutta international departure terminal and got an eyeful of the warehouse effect that the artistic natives had created. It got better when I went through the round of check in-immigration-customs with cheerful, helpful Bongs.

And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.

Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!! (Aish: any answers?)

At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.

Romance in the soul

Inspired by Aish's fundoo blog on abused words, I have decided to put down some of the romantic numbers which are my favorites.

The list is (a) not inclusive of a lot of conventionally considered great numbers (b) not exhaustive by a long way (c) inclusive of numbers which raise goose pimples on my body, which may or may not be in the great category...!

"Pretty Woman" - DONT ask me why...I just love the groove, and yes, I love singing along (pretending I am in black leather crooning to a PYT dressed in tights!)

"Bahon ke darmiyan..." - the ultimate mix of sweet romance n poetic sensuality. And if you close your eyes, you can feel the rain, the wind, the fingers......sigh.

"Nights in white satin..." - both the original & Richard Clayderman versions (yes, kill me) appeal to my sense of rhythm & drama.

"Fever..." - (boney m version) - gets the blood running. A different fantasy each time its played.

"Yeh vaada raha..." - a hot cup of tea, sitting on a balcony with green fields spread out before you, and a view of the majestic mountains, a chill in the air, and warmth in your heart.

"Woh pehli baar...." - cheerful, sunny, you sing it with a smile on your face and foot on the pedal (as you shout the words out loud while driving at full speed, laughing...!)

"Yeh ishq ishq hai..." - the only truly oldie in this list and the most complicated song to sing....a heavy quawwali if u try understanding the words....but you need not, the energy & passion touches your heart directly.

"Not a dry eye in the house..." - a sensitive guy has a cynical smile as he sings this. Hits me.

A good conv after a long time

Long conversation with Shekhar last night on this "changes" concept...and i really appreciated it. More than just the content, it was the depth, perspective & sensitivity in the conversation that helped.

Sigh.

Change - again

The concept of change - especially within oneself - keeps coming back to haunt me.

Yesterday, it hit me again. Bad.

The sound of rain, the sight of trees....and it hit me. Thoughts, emotions. One moment I am sitting coolly and thinking about when to wake up Shweta and the next moment I am ready to put a bullet through my head.

I have put in a tremendous effort in terms of control & conditioning over the past 12 to 18 months. And have seen evidence of requisite success - not only from my own, but from others' perspective - e.g.shweta, venkat etc. who would never associate the term 'emotional extremity' with me, unlike anyone else who knows me.

But such incidents cast shadows - Vicky's messages ; Mummy's shifting ; Shweta' s movement ; Darshan's behavior - all culminating in yesterday's afternoon turmoil, casting doubt over whether the supposed change is synthetic or fundamental.

Spoke to L, who says its the result of me trying to negate my own personality. But then, its something I have to live with. My previous way of life is not sustainable. Dont know whether this one is, but its inevitable, I dont think its a choice any more.