The vagueness of last week has morphed into a very clear theme for this week - sadness and irritation....
> The characters in Raincoat, who scare you because you recognise them
> The natural disaster that caught everyone by surprise. How does one deal with the loss of 25000 people at one go? Is there a reason??? None.
> Grown men who have stopped growing...decimation of character, of skills. Reduced to blubbering idiots through romance/family demands/inner conflicts/general craziness etc. etc.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Monday, December 20, 2004
Floating
I cannot identify any defining characteristic for last week.....in fact, if I have to remember the week and myself in it, the primary sensation is one of floating
Not really sure what I am feeling....what state of mind I am in.....what am I aiming it, what I am avoiding....who plays what role in my life....what's the future of the traditionally central players (Darshan....L...)....who from the periphery will move in (Vicky...Hina..Harneet...)...
The weekend was good.....a great movie (Swades), 2 great DVDs, a pacy book read at one go (Never Tear Us Apart), long chats with Shweta and Unni, a full 8-hours sleep, the house cleaned up, a Sunday morning at Coffee Day with newspapers and tea. Aah!
Upcoming - the Christmas weekend (hopefully I will get to try out some of the new eating joints) and the scheduled New Year weekend's trip. I can see plenty of opportunities that will force me out of the current state of ambiguity, into hopefully not-too-extreme states of mind.
Life rocks.
Not really sure what I am feeling....what state of mind I am in.....what am I aiming it, what I am avoiding....who plays what role in my life....what's the future of the traditionally central players (Darshan....L...)....who from the periphery will move in (Vicky...Hina..Harneet...)...
The weekend was good.....a great movie (Swades), 2 great DVDs, a pacy book read at one go (Never Tear Us Apart), long chats with Shweta and Unni, a full 8-hours sleep, the house cleaned up, a Sunday morning at Coffee Day with newspapers and tea. Aah!
Upcoming - the Christmas weekend (hopefully I will get to try out some of the new eating joints) and the scheduled New Year weekend's trip. I can see plenty of opportunities that will force me out of the current state of ambiguity, into hopefully not-too-extreme states of mind.
Life rocks.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Reactions & Relationships
I had sent the following poem to a few people who I thought would appreciate it -
some kind of power
the world is just moving towards a destination
i am staying behind sitting on my side
the tv is on, and some song is playing
the worst bit is, i want the tv off.
my world is sometimes reduced to a room
and mountains and the tigers dont exist
talking to someone new is such a crazily good thing
but it happens lesser and lesser now.
the world is starting to bore me
not because i am fast but cause it just too slow
something new has to happen soon
or i will be old
Got some reactions from them and then I of course had to comment on their reactions too!
Have got interesting responses from all - interesting not because of the variety of reaction that poetry normally evokes but due to the consistent response - that this poem struck a resonant chord with everyone. Everyone could identify with it.
If everyone can identify with the sense of all-consuming boredom/cynical humor bordering on bitterness that is expressed here (not permanently I am sure, but occasionally at least), its cause for apprehension - why should friends who would otherwise be considered intelligent, sensitive & articulate express this as a "reaction" to a poem sent on mail instead of normal modes of expression, i.e. conversation?
Conversely, conversations with friends (am I using the right word now?) become suspect. How different are they from conversations with so-called acquaintances or even strangers? Though I speak from personal experience only, but my answer to this is "hardly any difference".
Hence, is the corollary to this that relationships and the extent of their depth don't matter any more? Or is it that we don't have faith in them any more? Or maybe the latter is the cause, and the former the effect.
To go further, is this (decreasing faith in and relevance of relationships) a conscious movement on our part? Or is it an unwitting vicious cycle we have got drawn into - did the quickened pace of life necessitate junk food communication to the extent that relationships ceased to act as reliable support systems.....in turn, the fabric of conversation becoming tissue-like under the weight of the banality of the relationship itself?
Thoughts and so many questions. On this and so many other things that affect us. Do you also have them? If yes, where are they?
some kind of power
the world is just moving towards a destination
i am staying behind sitting on my side
the tv is on, and some song is playing
the worst bit is, i want the tv off.
my world is sometimes reduced to a room
and mountains and the tigers dont exist
talking to someone new is such a crazily good thing
but it happens lesser and lesser now.
the world is starting to bore me
not because i am fast but cause it just too slow
something new has to happen soon
or i will be old
Got some reactions from them and then I of course had to comment on their reactions too!
Have got interesting responses from all - interesting not because of the variety of reaction that poetry normally evokes but due to the consistent response - that this poem struck a resonant chord with everyone. Everyone could identify with it.
If everyone can identify with the sense of all-consuming boredom/cynical humor bordering on bitterness that is expressed here (not permanently I am sure, but occasionally at least), its cause for apprehension - why should friends who would otherwise be considered intelligent, sensitive & articulate express this as a "reaction" to a poem sent on mail instead of normal modes of expression, i.e. conversation?
Conversely, conversations with friends (am I using the right word now?) become suspect. How different are they from conversations with so-called acquaintances or even strangers? Though I speak from personal experience only, but my answer to this is "hardly any difference".
Hence, is the corollary to this that relationships and the extent of their depth don't matter any more? Or is it that we don't have faith in them any more? Or maybe the latter is the cause, and the former the effect.
To go further, is this (decreasing faith in and relevance of relationships) a conscious movement on our part? Or is it an unwitting vicious cycle we have got drawn into - did the quickened pace of life necessitate junk food communication to the extent that relationships ceased to act as reliable support systems.....in turn, the fabric of conversation becoming tissue-like under the weight of the banality of the relationship itself?
Thoughts and so many questions. On this and so many other things that affect us. Do you also have them? If yes, where are they?
Low
Not sure why, have been extremely low for the past week or two......I am sure the sense of dullness and boredom is evident even at work. Part of it is due to standard people oriented reasons - Darshan, L, Vicky etc....a sense of futility and low self worth that somehow seems to get accentuated once in a while. Like this.
Even last night, after the Core party, tried a lot on my own to get myself energised....the music was good...could have danced...then sat at coffee day with a nice stephen king...spoke to mummy for a long time abt movies.....went for a long drive, with good music.....worked to some point and then it was back in the quicksand.
Have just spent the last few hours at the Flyer family day, getting more irritated with people, and even more than them, with myself. For being so unnecessarily complex and having such high standards, for thinking so much and feeling so much, or going to the other extreme and stopping the thought/emotion process altogether.
I got my horoscope for this week a few days ago (something which I usually dont check out) and it said that I will be prone to heavy mood swings this week due to movement in planetary energies. It certainly feels like that, because there is no specific cause for depression. It's just a sense of being low and being more sensitive than normal to the hits from life.
Even last night, after the Core party, tried a lot on my own to get myself energised....the music was good...could have danced...then sat at coffee day with a nice stephen king...spoke to mummy for a long time abt movies.....went for a long drive, with good music.....worked to some point and then it was back in the quicksand.
Have just spent the last few hours at the Flyer family day, getting more irritated with people, and even more than them, with myself. For being so unnecessarily complex and having such high standards, for thinking so much and feeling so much, or going to the other extreme and stopping the thought/emotion process altogether.
I got my horoscope for this week a few days ago (something which I usually dont check out) and it said that I will be prone to heavy mood swings this week due to movement in planetary energies. It certainly feels like that, because there is no specific cause for depression. It's just a sense of being low and being more sensitive than normal to the hits from life.
Monday, October 11, 2004
update
Had lots to say, but no time to actually write it out.....or maybe things were just so complex that putting it in linear written form would have taken too much effort....hence, dug out the dictaphone and used it after ages. Felt good to put into words all I had been feeling. Will try to return to blog properly, though.
Unni's traced this blog through Aish. Not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, have tried to keep this page only for myself. On the other, ideally there's nothing on my mind that I would actually keep from him (note: I used the word ideally.....whats been happening in reality is another matter!)....this may very well be the forum for resurgence of communication. And that's good. Coz I miss him terribly.
I really wish I could write well....Darshan's persona as he approaches his marriage (6 months away) can be a hilarious (albeit tinged with cynicism) study. However, here the heart rules the mind and I just feel bad at the multitude, often contradictory, thoughts & emotions that envelop him. As usual, the feeling of helplessness is frustrating. All I can do is be there. At least, unlike some others he doesnt push me away to drown alone in sorrow!
One of the common reactions I am experiencing towards people nowdays is anger. Anger at duplicity, at relentless self promotion, at hollowness of promises, at inability to stand up for themselves, at general wimpishness, at the use n throw attitude.........everything, all the time!!!! Honestly speaking, its not as if people have suddenly started displaying these attributes, hence its something within me that's driving this reaction. Not sure what, though. It's not very healthy, either. Either one should do something with the anger and make a genuine difference somewhere, else its just destructive to the self and the relationships.
Strangely, haven't been reading a lot lately either!! This is despite there being a host of interesting books lying at home which I haven't read! Including intricate murder mysteries!! Should pick up a Stephen King....thats always a good kick start into relentless reading.
Am really really worried about Mummy. Dolly too, actually. Its unfair that I make less of her tendency to depression because she's younger, healthier and has a hubby who takes care of her. That doesnt make internal turmoil any lesser.....(this is exactly the kind of trap most people fall into). Hence, am really worried about both Mummy & Dolly. I hope they get occupied soon. Thats the critical first step.
Unni's traced this blog through Aish. Not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, have tried to keep this page only for myself. On the other, ideally there's nothing on my mind that I would actually keep from him (note: I used the word ideally.....whats been happening in reality is another matter!)....this may very well be the forum for resurgence of communication. And that's good. Coz I miss him terribly.
I really wish I could write well....Darshan's persona as he approaches his marriage (6 months away) can be a hilarious (albeit tinged with cynicism) study. However, here the heart rules the mind and I just feel bad at the multitude, often contradictory, thoughts & emotions that envelop him. As usual, the feeling of helplessness is frustrating. All I can do is be there. At least, unlike some others he doesnt push me away to drown alone in sorrow!
One of the common reactions I am experiencing towards people nowdays is anger. Anger at duplicity, at relentless self promotion, at hollowness of promises, at inability to stand up for themselves, at general wimpishness, at the use n throw attitude.........everything, all the time!!!! Honestly speaking, its not as if people have suddenly started displaying these attributes, hence its something within me that's driving this reaction. Not sure what, though. It's not very healthy, either. Either one should do something with the anger and make a genuine difference somewhere, else its just destructive to the self and the relationships.
Strangely, haven't been reading a lot lately either!! This is despite there being a host of interesting books lying at home which I haven't read! Including intricate murder mysteries!! Should pick up a Stephen King....thats always a good kick start into relentless reading.
Am really really worried about Mummy. Dolly too, actually. Its unfair that I make less of her tendency to depression because she's younger, healthier and has a hubby who takes care of her. That doesnt make internal turmoil any lesser.....(this is exactly the kind of trap most people fall into). Hence, am really worried about both Mummy & Dolly. I hope they get occupied soon. Thats the critical first step.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Interesting play of words
Just finished a very interesting book - Peter Straub's The Hellfire Club...contrary to the pop-bestseller kind of look it had, it turned out to be a complicated, engaging mystery.
A couple of the recordable sentences fr the book....
"Dreams never give up. Like tigers, they simply lay in wait until fresh meat came along"
"If she had any feelings, they were like the little black, shriveled husks left behind by a fire. She supposed that someday they would turn into feelings"
A couple of the recordable sentences fr the book....
"Dreams never give up. Like tigers, they simply lay in wait until fresh meat came along"
"If she had any feelings, they were like the little black, shriveled husks left behind by a fire. She supposed that someday they would turn into feelings"
Shining Light
Without any envy/resentment/irritation/condescension/reservation/intimidation, I feel nothing but genuine whole hearted appreciation for Nanima and Mummy.
Without spouting adjectives about their abilities or listing facts that demonstrate them , I confidently feel they are the two finest ladies I have known.
My detached appreciation mingles with unconditional love as I think about the massive challenges that they have constantly faced throughout their lives, and the courage and dignity with which they have overcome them; the gentleness of their demeanour and the warmth of their relations even when they have had multiple cause to find bitterness or wariness; the ability to laugh, at the world and themselves, however low they might be; the choice they make to find pleasures in the smallest of things and thus retain the pure child in thir souls.
Of course, both are individuals and I could write much much more in detail about what their specfic strengths (and even weaknesses) are. But right now, I am just seized by the sense of gratitude and love borne out of having them being the fountainhead of my life.
Without spouting adjectives about their abilities or listing facts that demonstrate them , I confidently feel they are the two finest ladies I have known.
My detached appreciation mingles with unconditional love as I think about the massive challenges that they have constantly faced throughout their lives, and the courage and dignity with which they have overcome them; the gentleness of their demeanour and the warmth of their relations even when they have had multiple cause to find bitterness or wariness; the ability to laugh, at the world and themselves, however low they might be; the choice they make to find pleasures in the smallest of things and thus retain the pure child in thir souls.
Of course, both are individuals and I could write much much more in detail about what their specfic strengths (and even weaknesses) are. But right now, I am just seized by the sense of gratitude and love borne out of having them being the fountainhead of my life.
Vacation update
Well....vacation's nearly over....I have spent more than a week here, and the day after tomorrow I will be leaving.
It's so ironic. The so many times in my life when I have just been overtaken by the hundreds (seemingly thousands) of things happening, I manage to find words to sum it up and definie patterns/themes. Now, when I have basically been sitting around the house and spending time with 3 people, I find myself unable to do so. (i.e. sum it up neatly).
Hence, some impressions....
> Long conversations with Mummy, on...well, generally the state of the world - Dolly, Anjan, Dolly n Anjan (together), Nanima, Mama, Mami, Masi, Unni, Shweta, Deepti etc etc. Not so much on the "future". We are kind of agreed that we want to keep that open.
> Movies, movies, movies. Bought 35 DVDs. Saw 7 movies. Saw the entire Friends season 10. Saw entire Mad About You season 2.
> Rediscovery of the net - ryze (added 2 new friends, got added onto a network), blog (3 posts in one week....says it all), imdb (contributed to message boards, read daily news, searched for movies, read reviews etc etc.). I even got linked somehow to a few porn sites, so I finally saw what they look like.
>A look into the past, and it feels like a dream. The classrooms at Don Bosco, the grocery shop near the park in GK, the Dussehra program at TGApts, the long chats in Srinath's cramped drawing room, the picnics with the BBM group, the tuition classes at Vasundhra, the midnight walks at IMT, the meetings with HR Orion - I have snaps of all these, but was I really there??????????????? It just feels like a dream. And then suddenly, I feel exhausted. There's so much to remember, and hence so much to think about, so much to feel. And the feelings aren't always great. The pain comes back. Hard.
It's so ironic. The so many times in my life when I have just been overtaken by the hundreds (seemingly thousands) of things happening, I manage to find words to sum it up and definie patterns/themes. Now, when I have basically been sitting around the house and spending time with 3 people, I find myself unable to do so. (i.e. sum it up neatly).
Hence, some impressions....
> Long conversations with Mummy, on...well, generally the state of the world - Dolly, Anjan, Dolly n Anjan (together), Nanima, Mama, Mami, Masi, Unni, Shweta, Deepti etc etc. Not so much on the "future". We are kind of agreed that we want to keep that open.
> Movies, movies, movies. Bought 35 DVDs. Saw 7 movies. Saw the entire Friends season 10. Saw entire Mad About You season 2.
> Rediscovery of the net - ryze (added 2 new friends, got added onto a network), blog (3 posts in one week....says it all), imdb (contributed to message boards, read daily news, searched for movies, read reviews etc etc.). I even got linked somehow to a few porn sites, so I finally saw what they look like.
>A look into the past, and it feels like a dream. The classrooms at Don Bosco, the grocery shop near the park in GK, the Dussehra program at TGApts, the long chats in Srinath's cramped drawing room, the picnics with the BBM group, the tuition classes at Vasundhra, the midnight walks at IMT, the meetings with HR Orion - I have snaps of all these, but was I really there??????????????? It just feels like a dream. And then suddenly, I feel exhausted. There's so much to remember, and hence so much to think about, so much to feel. And the feelings aren't always great. The pain comes back. Hard.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Mood
Dark clouds gather and promise a new beginning. Ghulam Ali sings of an erotic, romantic, dead past. PD James describes sin and loneliness in young priests. And a film on vampires awaits my indulgence.
In the evening, I will take a walk and try to find some interesting faces and think about the stories that could lie behind them.
The absorbed demons of the past and the hollow promises of the future fuse into a mellow present.
In the evening, I will take a walk and try to find some interesting faces and think about the stories that could lie behind them.
The absorbed demons of the past and the hollow promises of the future fuse into a mellow present.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Vacation?
The vacation truly started when I entered the Calcutta international departure terminal and got an eyeful of the warehouse effect that the artistic natives had created. It got better when I went through the round of check in-immigration-customs with cheerful, helpful Bongs.
And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.
Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!!
At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.
And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.
Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!!
At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.
Vacation?
The vacation truly started when I entered the Calcutta international departure terminal and got an eyeful of the warehouse effect that the artistic natives had created. It got better when I went through the round of check in-immigration-customs with cheerful, helpful Bongs.
And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.
Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!! (Aish: any answers?)
At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.
And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.
Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!! (Aish: any answers?)
At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Romance in the soul
Inspired by Aish's fundoo blog on abused words, I have decided to put down some of the romantic numbers which are my favorites.
The list is (a) not inclusive of a lot of conventionally considered great numbers (b) not exhaustive by a long way (c) inclusive of numbers which raise goose pimples on my body, which may or may not be in the great category...!
"Pretty Woman" - DONT ask me why...I just love the groove, and yes, I love singing along (pretending I am in black leather crooning to a PYT dressed in tights!)
"Bahon ke darmiyan..." - the ultimate mix of sweet romance n poetic sensuality. And if you close your eyes, you can feel the rain, the wind, the fingers......sigh.
"Nights in white satin..." - both the original & Richard Clayderman versions (yes, kill me) appeal to my sense of rhythm & drama.
"Fever..." - (boney m version) - gets the blood running. A different fantasy each time its played.
"Yeh vaada raha..." - a hot cup of tea, sitting on a balcony with green fields spread out before you, and a view of the majestic mountains, a chill in the air, and warmth in your heart.
"Woh pehli baar...." - cheerful, sunny, you sing it with a smile on your face and foot on the pedal (as you shout the words out loud while driving at full speed, laughing...!)
"Yeh ishq ishq hai..." - the only truly oldie in this list and the most complicated song to sing....a heavy quawwali if u try understanding the words....but you need not, the energy & passion touches your heart directly.
"Not a dry eye in the house..." - a sensitive guy has a cynical smile as he sings this. Hits me.
The list is (a) not inclusive of a lot of conventionally considered great numbers (b) not exhaustive by a long way (c) inclusive of numbers which raise goose pimples on my body, which may or may not be in the great category...!
"Pretty Woman" - DONT ask me why...I just love the groove, and yes, I love singing along (pretending I am in black leather crooning to a PYT dressed in tights!)
"Bahon ke darmiyan..." - the ultimate mix of sweet romance n poetic sensuality. And if you close your eyes, you can feel the rain, the wind, the fingers......sigh.
"Nights in white satin..." - both the original & Richard Clayderman versions (yes, kill me) appeal to my sense of rhythm & drama.
"Fever..." - (boney m version) - gets the blood running. A different fantasy each time its played.
"Yeh vaada raha..." - a hot cup of tea, sitting on a balcony with green fields spread out before you, and a view of the majestic mountains, a chill in the air, and warmth in your heart.
"Woh pehli baar...." - cheerful, sunny, you sing it with a smile on your face and foot on the pedal (as you shout the words out loud while driving at full speed, laughing...!)
"Yeh ishq ishq hai..." - the only truly oldie in this list and the most complicated song to sing....a heavy quawwali if u try understanding the words....but you need not, the energy & passion touches your heart directly.
"Not a dry eye in the house..." - a sensitive guy has a cynical smile as he sings this. Hits me.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
A good conv after a long time
Long conversation with Shekhar last night on this "changes" concept...and i really appreciated it. More than just the content, it was the depth, perspective & sensitivity in the conversation that helped.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Monday, August 16, 2004
Change - again
The concept of change - especially within oneself - keeps coming back to haunt me.
Yesterday, it hit me again. Bad.
The sound of rain, the sight of trees....and it hit me. Thoughts, emotions. One moment I am sitting coolly and thinking about when to wake up Shweta and the next moment I am ready to put a bullet through my head.
I have put in a tremendous effort in terms of control & conditioning over the past 12 to 18 months. And have seen evidence of requisite success - not only from my own, but from others' perspective - e.g.shweta, venkat etc. who would never associate the term 'emotional extremity' with me, unlike anyone else who knows me.
But such incidents cast shadows - Vicky's messages ; Mummy's shifting ; Shweta' s movement ; Darshan's behavior - all culminating in yesterday's afternoon turmoil, casting doubt over whether the supposed change is synthetic or fundamental.
Spoke to L, who says its the result of me trying to negate my own personality. But then, its something I have to live with. My previous way of life is not sustainable. Dont know whether this one is, but its inevitable, I dont think its a choice any more.
Yesterday, it hit me again. Bad.
The sound of rain, the sight of trees....and it hit me. Thoughts, emotions. One moment I am sitting coolly and thinking about when to wake up Shweta and the next moment I am ready to put a bullet through my head.
I have put in a tremendous effort in terms of control & conditioning over the past 12 to 18 months. And have seen evidence of requisite success - not only from my own, but from others' perspective - e.g.shweta, venkat etc. who would never associate the term 'emotional extremity' with me, unlike anyone else who knows me.
But such incidents cast shadows - Vicky's messages ; Mummy's shifting ; Shweta' s movement ; Darshan's behavior - all culminating in yesterday's afternoon turmoil, casting doubt over whether the supposed change is synthetic or fundamental.
Spoke to L, who says its the result of me trying to negate my own personality. But then, its something I have to live with. My previous way of life is not sustainable. Dont know whether this one is, but its inevitable, I dont think its a choice any more.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Conversations
Some interesting thoughts/conversations I had with myself/various people over the past one month...
> I find it absolutely amazing how large organizations start developing a character of their own, like children in the same house. The way Accenture functions is so starkly different from the approach of other entities in the space it inhabits. Does it actually act on "ideas"? No. The approach to anything new is cautious, conservative, strewn with reviews and more reviews, and then a series of approvals, each step a carefully considered cost n benefit analysis. Its the approach of an accountant. Nothing like the approach of an i-flex, or even ge, or even polaris, where entrepreneurship is oft-practiced trait.
> The only human being till date about whom I find myself unable to make a definitive statement is Vicky. I keep reaching a conclusion, and then keep doubting myself. The closest I have come to definition is to think of him like a unique kaleidoscope. There are no standard stereotype keys to unlock him. In fact, there's nothing to unlock. Its all there in front of you. All you need is one glimpse of the truth, one sudden n strong connection, and the madness can get resolved into a pattern....a pattern that could be chaotic n contradictory, but colorful n fascinating, provided you can think out of the box. I believe I can, at least when it comes to people. And definitely when it comes to people like him. But how many others will be able to resolve this kaleidoscope? They will keep looking from different angles and see a different picture each time, finally giving rise to strained or half-dead relationships. Thats scary....for Vicky. And I think, somewhere, he recognises this fact, and that is the cause for the incredible sadness that I sometimes sense within him.
But the bugger also has to give people a chance, which he is hesitant to. I would like to add that this is because he has a core of arrogance within him, which I will immediately retract in 15 min. Thats my quandary when it comes to this incredibly fascinating (to me) person. Hence, only the first para of this section is true.
> Dev (movie) succeeded in getting me angry with myself, for having let my social conscience lie dormat for such a long time, as I get steeped into daily trivia. I have always believed that its not always necessary for people to "do" anything for social good ; being aware/educated, and spreading the word, is itself a step in the right direction. I also believed that I would at least continue to do the latter, if not the former. I am now disappointed in myself.
Dev's stark potrayal of the communal situation - the politics behind the riots ; the corruption in the police force ; the horrors of the violence ; the core of humanity found in the unexpected places ; the courage of a few - all this viewed through the eyes of a clear headed, idealistic police office - is one of the most impactful films I have seen. Though Gangajal was better-made (and thats so strange, because Govind is a much more mature director than Prakash), it didn't rouse the emotions that Dev was able to.
I just hope there are more people like me outside. If this films flops at the box office, I will be severely disillusioned by my country.
> Had an extensive feedback discussion with Shilpa and Lakshmi, the details of which I will try to put down in some other blog sometime. One interesting aspect, however, which I thought about later, was when I ran through the list of outstanding skills and abilities I have been told I have. And as I thought of each one of them and traced them back to the core where they would have sprung from, I realised that the core for all of them lay in the values and experiences (especially the tough times) I was exposed to as I grew up. Not that this is an earth shattering revelation - the skills/abilities one has being traced back to the upbringing - but its an opportunity for me to be grateful that I was brought up the way I was, with all the bad times included. The bad times made me tougher, and the good people showed me the way. Thank you God, thank you Mummy.
> I find it absolutely amazing how large organizations start developing a character of their own, like children in the same house. The way Accenture functions is so starkly different from the approach of other entities in the space it inhabits. Does it actually act on "ideas"? No. The approach to anything new is cautious, conservative, strewn with reviews and more reviews, and then a series of approvals, each step a carefully considered cost n benefit analysis. Its the approach of an accountant. Nothing like the approach of an i-flex, or even ge, or even polaris, where entrepreneurship is oft-practiced trait.
> The only human being till date about whom I find myself unable to make a definitive statement is Vicky. I keep reaching a conclusion, and then keep doubting myself. The closest I have come to definition is to think of him like a unique kaleidoscope. There are no standard stereotype keys to unlock him. In fact, there's nothing to unlock. Its all there in front of you. All you need is one glimpse of the truth, one sudden n strong connection, and the madness can get resolved into a pattern....a pattern that could be chaotic n contradictory, but colorful n fascinating, provided you can think out of the box. I believe I can, at least when it comes to people. And definitely when it comes to people like him. But how many others will be able to resolve this kaleidoscope? They will keep looking from different angles and see a different picture each time, finally giving rise to strained or half-dead relationships. Thats scary....for Vicky. And I think, somewhere, he recognises this fact, and that is the cause for the incredible sadness that I sometimes sense within him.
But the bugger also has to give people a chance, which he is hesitant to. I would like to add that this is because he has a core of arrogance within him, which I will immediately retract in 15 min. Thats my quandary when it comes to this incredibly fascinating (to me) person. Hence, only the first para of this section is true.
> Dev (movie) succeeded in getting me angry with myself, for having let my social conscience lie dormat for such a long time, as I get steeped into daily trivia. I have always believed that its not always necessary for people to "do" anything for social good ; being aware/educated, and spreading the word, is itself a step in the right direction. I also believed that I would at least continue to do the latter, if not the former. I am now disappointed in myself.
Dev's stark potrayal of the communal situation - the politics behind the riots ; the corruption in the police force ; the horrors of the violence ; the core of humanity found in the unexpected places ; the courage of a few - all this viewed through the eyes of a clear headed, idealistic police office - is one of the most impactful films I have seen. Though Gangajal was better-made (and thats so strange, because Govind is a much more mature director than Prakash), it didn't rouse the emotions that Dev was able to.
I just hope there are more people like me outside. If this films flops at the box office, I will be severely disillusioned by my country.
> Had an extensive feedback discussion with Shilpa and Lakshmi, the details of which I will try to put down in some other blog sometime. One interesting aspect, however, which I thought about later, was when I ran through the list of outstanding skills and abilities I have been told I have. And as I thought of each one of them and traced them back to the core where they would have sprung from, I realised that the core for all of them lay in the values and experiences (especially the tough times) I was exposed to as I grew up. Not that this is an earth shattering revelation - the skills/abilities one has being traced back to the upbringing - but its an opportunity for me to be grateful that I was brought up the way I was, with all the bad times included. The bad times made me tougher, and the good people showed me the way. Thank you God, thank you Mummy.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
a quickie full of emotions
i just came back from a delhi trip.....took friday n monday off and went for 4 days to basically meet dolly n mummy before they go to dhaka in 1st week of july.....i was pretty unwell when i left fr here, primarily due to sheer exhaustion, and have come back even more exhausted.,,,,dont know where this will end, have a sneaky suspicion it will end where all things end, at the doors of death.
decent trip...not unbearably hot in delhi, abt 39 degrees......spent time with both of them and of course met nanima, masi n mama etc....went for movie (dev - excellent) n dilli haat as usual......mummy's of course apprehensive n emotional abt the near future, basically i had gone just for the comfort level.....all 3 of us are mainly thinking of nanima who wl be left alone now, thats whats killing all of us,.....
had been looking fwd to seeing shekhar's son (harshit) but was v disappointed when i reached there and got to know that SS is in china......then got to know he's coming back monday night.....so i went to pick him up at 11 last nite, then went to his place, met kiddo (who was thankfully awake) and came back...(yes, got just 1 hr of sleep last nite, and am back in office now)..kiddo is really cute. my heart went out to him n i am a devoted slave for the rest of his life.....on first instinct, he looks like cheenu, but features are a bit like shekhar's. but shekhar's life is in a mess...key cause being of course the early marriage n fatherhood, which he cant handle along with his work.
now am back at work...v tired....mentally, physically n emotionally.........keeping control on emotions n thoughts ; making tough decisions ; living up to yr own expectations as a human being, professional, son, friend ; living a strenuous physical life....all of this is getting to me now and i dont know how far i wl be able to keep this up. for the past 2/3 weeks, its like all the strong emotions n thoughts which i had kept at bay for the past year are now flooding me in one instant. this happens when u dont obey your own self. serves me right for ignoring myself.
decent trip...not unbearably hot in delhi, abt 39 degrees......spent time with both of them and of course met nanima, masi n mama etc....went for movie (dev - excellent) n dilli haat as usual......mummy's of course apprehensive n emotional abt the near future, basically i had gone just for the comfort level.....all 3 of us are mainly thinking of nanima who wl be left alone now, thats whats killing all of us,.....
had been looking fwd to seeing shekhar's son (harshit) but was v disappointed when i reached there and got to know that SS is in china......then got to know he's coming back monday night.....so i went to pick him up at 11 last nite, then went to his place, met kiddo (who was thankfully awake) and came back...(yes, got just 1 hr of sleep last nite, and am back in office now)..kiddo is really cute. my heart went out to him n i am a devoted slave for the rest of his life.....on first instinct, he looks like cheenu, but features are a bit like shekhar's. but shekhar's life is in a mess...key cause being of course the early marriage n fatherhood, which he cant handle along with his work.
now am back at work...v tired....mentally, physically n emotionally.........keeping control on emotions n thoughts ; making tough decisions ; living up to yr own expectations as a human being, professional, son, friend ; living a strenuous physical life....all of this is getting to me now and i dont know how far i wl be able to keep this up. for the past 2/3 weeks, its like all the strong emotions n thoughts which i had kept at bay for the past year are now flooding me in one instant. this happens when u dont obey your own self. serves me right for ignoring myself.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Book
Just finished A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) last night.
The prolific nature and frenetic pace of my reading has been instrumental in desensitising me to most of the books I read nowdays....rarely does a book impact me - make me pause, think & feel - the way this one did. Disturbing, yes. But disturbing because it forced me to look at myself, something which I avoid doing nowdays. Disturbing because it made me acknowledge what was missing.
It was a book about love and faith, both of which I believe go hand in hand. Faith is not just a matter of religious beliefs, about whether one believes in miracles or not - did Moses make the sea part? did Ravana have 10 heads which Ram cut off? etc.etc.
One cannot love without faith. Whoever loves, he also "believes". Thats what this book reminded me. More than the crappy Nicholas Sparks mush.
I am also reading William Dalrymple's City of Djinns. A compelling, albeit amateur, view of Delhi.
Hence, these days I am indulging in 2 elements which used to be a permanent feature once upon a time - the love/faith concept ; and a sense of history.
Unni would be glad.
The prolific nature and frenetic pace of my reading has been instrumental in desensitising me to most of the books I read nowdays....rarely does a book impact me - make me pause, think & feel - the way this one did. Disturbing, yes. But disturbing because it forced me to look at myself, something which I avoid doing nowdays. Disturbing because it made me acknowledge what was missing.
It was a book about love and faith, both of which I believe go hand in hand. Faith is not just a matter of religious beliefs, about whether one believes in miracles or not - did Moses make the sea part? did Ravana have 10 heads which Ram cut off? etc.etc.
One cannot love without faith. Whoever loves, he also "believes". Thats what this book reminded me. More than the crappy Nicholas Sparks mush.
I am also reading William Dalrymple's City of Djinns. A compelling, albeit amateur, view of Delhi.
Hence, these days I am indulging in 2 elements which used to be a permanent feature once upon a time - the love/faith concept ; and a sense of history.
Unni would be glad.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Songs
Some of my all time favorite Hindi romantic numbers....
"Yeh Vaada Raha" - a smile on your face, mischief in your eyes, sunshine all around, the kind of song that is 'our song'!
"Bahon Ke Darmiyan" - slow, deep bliss ; being a part of one another ; whats there on your face? Is it the rain or tears?
"Jab koi baat..." - a pleasing tune, easily hummable. simple, poetic lyrics that dont make you stretch. sung with a slight smile and genuine emotion
"Woh pehli baar.." - sheer exuberance of first love, all the ecstacy without the pain
I dont know why I am posting now, especially now when I am in the middle of a tense, harrowing day. Or maybe thats the reason.
"Yeh Vaada Raha" - a smile on your face, mischief in your eyes, sunshine all around, the kind of song that is 'our song'!
"Bahon Ke Darmiyan" - slow, deep bliss ; being a part of one another ; whats there on your face? Is it the rain or tears?
"Jab koi baat..." - a pleasing tune, easily hummable. simple, poetic lyrics that dont make you stretch. sung with a slight smile and genuine emotion
"Woh pehli baar.." - sheer exuberance of first love, all the ecstacy without the pain
I dont know why I am posting now, especially now when I am in the middle of a tense, harrowing day. Or maybe thats the reason.
Friday, April 16, 2004
More...
How cld I forget John Irving......some of the most magical books I have read have been his....The Hotel New Hampshire, and of course the The World According to Garp.
Dont know how I have found the time to actually blog....today's been the most hectic of days, thanks to madam shilpa. Shall blog abt that in detail sometime later.
For now, happy weekend.....though I am working tomorrow...sob!
Dont know how I have found the time to actually blog....today's been the most hectic of days, thanks to madam shilpa. Shall blog abt that in detail sometime later.
For now, happy weekend.....though I am working tomorrow...sob!
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