Will my family fall
apart? Will I be able to help everyone through with dignity and sanity? How
have I contributed to this? Could I have taken different decisions a long time
ago? Have I been irresponsible? How much pain can Mummy go through without
giving in? How much does Dolly need to bear? Is this something to do with us as
a family? Are we inherently dysfunctional, under the guise of
unconventionality? Are the others right? Would Daddy’s being around made it
better? Or worse?
A drive to office. Irritating mails from the idiot. Potluck
with the team. Laughter. Food. Cake. A mock-fight with Nithya. A spontaneous
decision to bunk office and watch Barfi. Immediate booking of tickets.
Appreciating the ones who got the food. Keeping spirits high. An sms exchange with
Mum. Then the movie. A muted implosion
of thought and emotion, a rumination on love and loss. Too many uncomfortable
parallels. Leaves me in tears. Which I cant show.
What am I doing? In
the name of “connect” or whatever fancy word we use, is this the right thing to
do? Or is this to be embraced and experienced, as long as it feels right? Can
the feelings itself be trusted? How about betrayal? How about trust? How about
the guilt? Isn’t that valid too? Can I distance myself from one but not the other?
Am I making a fool of myself? Or of him? Have I been the cause of someone else’s
pain? Am I heading downhill? Or is this like a glider…flying high, yet fragile,
about to crash? Have I even experienced what I think I have?
A drive back home.
Unable to talk to Vik. A show at home. Of normalcy, of calmness. See the
gifts purchased. Enquire after logistics. Assure and reassure Arav. Read a book
blankly. Check mails. Work. An sms from UP, a mail from Becky. A heavy dinner,
a cup of tea. Some silence in the balcony. Desultory conversation. More mails.
Get some of the emotion out, write about Barfi.
Where is it going? Can
I keep trusting that thing I call “destiny”? Does everything actually happen
for a reason, or is that a consolation? Is it ok to not get irritated or
frustrated and adopt the “all at the right time” approach? Am I just being
unrealistic? Am I also part of the current brigade that has an inflated view of
their own abilities and value? Am I also a frog in the well? Am I being unfair,
or are Becky/ UP and the others? Do I continue to trust my instincts or let the
thought process dictate my decisions?
Finally, bed. Toss and turn. And finally drift into another disturbed
sleep. Teeth fall out, he makes love to me. And cries. I wake up sweating. What
does this all mean?
No comments:
Post a Comment