The ego of mice...

The best laid schemes of Mice and Men
oft go awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!

Robert Burns, To a Mouse

I don’t know why we even bother. When we make elaborate plans for our life, when we construct watertight compartments for our mind, when we loudly declare our likes and dislikes, when we categorically state what we shall never do…all we are doing is pandering to our ego…and tempting fate.

I am all for individual will and I truly, honestly believe that our state of happiness, and maybe even gratification, lies in our hands. But that doesn’t happen because individuals are able to shape the events in their lives, it happens because individuals can respond to the events in their lives, and by the sheer force of their will or optimism quotient, remain on top of the events, rather than the let the events submerge them.

But what do we mere mortals care about the difference? We confuse one with the other, and are constantly seeking to determine our destiny through careful plans and predictions.

Eighteen years ago, I had my first lesson. Nan lived close by, I had started thinking of a career in journalism or the administrative services, and even started planning out the areas I would want to live in. We suddenly moved to Bangalore and life changed forever.

People that I relied on, treated as an anchor, would one day not be there. Leaving me shocked and gasping for breath.

Sometimes it’s not as dramatic. For many years, I had scorned the concept of a wash basin outside the confines of a bathroom, usually installed near the dining area. For four years, I lived in two houses which had that.

And even at work. A proposal, detailed with the painstaking craft of a Tanjore painting, wouldn’t see the light of day. It was either just not the right time yet…or it dragged on for so long that the right time passed us right by.

What I find particularly amusing is when friends and colleagues try and compartmentalize their lives, usually employing the statement “I keep my personal and professional lives separate” to laughable results. Six years ago, Mum told me I had become unrecognizable as a person, and I knew where that was coming from. A happy me has always been a productive me. We aren’t a machine with multiple compartments, where we can deploy different personalities depending on whom or what resides there. We are people. And there will be leakage.

But our ego and, to be fair, our desire for security and predictability, prevents us from acknowledging that, much less believing it. We keep asking ourselves (and others) the completely futile question “where do you see yourself five years from now?” That could be better worded as “if you continue to have control over your life, where do you see yourself five years ago?” of course, that would make the question redundant. When faced with this question, from colleagues, interviewers and assorted well-wishers, I am tempted to reply “the way the world is going, and how my finances are, I might just be sucking cock in the trenches of Taliban”.

But I desist. This is not something we can help. We will keep making plans, and God will keep disposing of them (hopefully, God shall also forgive me for using so many clichés in this post). Less than six months ago, I confidently told my close friends that, the ambiguity of the current relationship aside, I am quite happy as I am and certainly am not going in for anything that even remotely resembles anything that has potential to be emotional or serious.

Famous last words.