Pause. Sink. Rewind. Move. Up.

Thats the routine, isn't it. After the whirlwind of the past few weeks, I get some time to myself. An unwelcome sms switches me off. I have made some attempts recently to re-invigorate myself, get some new blood into my life. Didn't really work. Now the past comes back. As its wont to do when the body is weary and the mind is weird. And I wonder whether it's really that sensible to stay at home, relax and watch a movie. Or shall I just go to some place that has people, lights, music; inject some alcohol, push the thoughts way and come back and collapse into bed. For yet another tomorrow. When I shall be drag myself up and move on. With a smile.

Anti social

I resisted Orkut for 2 years. Finally gave it just when it started to decline. Liked it reasonably well, used it to an extent. Started getting bored. Then they said "move to fb", you are so passe. I said no, I cant keep moving, I am not that interested in making so many "friend" anyway. Finally moved. The spectre of PR kept haunting me for several years. Many, including DB, insisted I should join, just for having fun. I mistook the word "fun". I joined two weeks and am hooked for now, it's like a bizarre twilight zone. I wonder when I will get bored...maybe in a couple of months. Sigh. What next guys?

Deja vu or full circle?

Having just sobbed my heart out, I wonder if this is a repeat of what happened 3 years ago or has life come round to where it started, a sort of cosmic joke on me.

All I know is that I have to make a way of living with this pain for some time until it ebbs into an occasional ache. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is temporary....when I have suffered much, much more and managed to survive well, this is ok, manageable. I think.

I guess part of it is just ambiguity.

Sigh. Cant even go out and enjoy a good meal or get drunk. Have to eat papaya, remain alert and go through this.

Where am I?

Its been more than 7 months since I last wrote here, the longest gap ever. Where am I??? It's not as if there hasn't been plenty to write about...if nothing else, the constant presence of change in my life provides many amusing, heart wrenching and irritating moments! So why not??

I dont know, to be honest. And instead of trying to figure out, I would rather devote my energy to re-starting this practice soon. As I figure that out, this is just a placeholder :) a reminder that I am going to be here soon, doing what most good bloggers do - hyperventilating and pontificating.

In continuation - Bobo at 18 months...

As I sit in my bedroom, I can hear the “mewing-like" noises Aarav is making outside. I can actually picture him doing so, crinkling up his button nose a bit and shutting half his eyes. The mewing noise is used for a variety of purposes, from animal sounds to car horns. Immediately after this, the expected “hoo” takes over, usually delivered with wide eyes and a finger pointing at either an object he seeks more explanation for or evidence of mischief he’s just conducted. In fact, though he’s mastered a smattering of words, communication between him and the world largely consists of such primitive sounds delivered with a wide range of tones and accompanied by an even-wider range of expressions. This communication is restricted to his “insider” gang though…for most of the world outside, he attempts to strike a more enigmatic figure – steadily walking (or pushing his toy car along) with a quiet determination to get somewhere, occasionally pausing to observe or pick up an object of interest, and greeting unsolicited companions with a cool stare and sometimes a shy smile before turning away and proceeding on his way. The contrast in personality with the baby we see giggling away at home is quite stark, especially when the giggles turn into fits of laughter at his mother’s antics , and he finally tumbles off the bed.

I have often been told that all babies are alike (and by implication, I shouldn’t get so excited by this little one’s antics). But there are times when we question that, and actually reject it – when he sees a baby or a dog, gets overcome by emotion and hugs you; when he starts dancing every time he hears music he likes, whether it be in a restaurant or the drawing room or a crowded engagement party; when he clearly observes what you are wearing and beams his appreciation sometimes; when he rejects everything sweet you give him and relishes onions and similar food items; when he resists any attempt at medical examinations and reacts with a ferocity that stuns the most experienced of doctors…

At such times, one wonders at the beauty of nature that created a full, unique specimen amongst billions of others. A specimen with his own specific looks and personality and behaviors and likes and dislikes. A specimen that easily gets used to being adored by every eye that lays eyes on it and yet in a way remains uncorrupted by it until a much-later stage. A 3 feet tall, one-and-a-half year old, 12 kilo heavy dynamo of a person who has the power to control all activity and emotion around him by just a flick of his finger or a lift of the eyebrow. Love, anger, irritation, humor, protectiveness, frustration, anxiety, calm – in a space of a day, Bobo’s companionship can take acquaint you with all these and more.

How will us willing slaves be treated in the future, I wonder? That remains to be seen. Right now, he’s tapping on the door, demanding the attention that’s rightfully is, along with the antics and the giggles.

Inner tension

Suddenly, there's this tight knot in my stomach.

Not entirely unexpected though...there was several indications over the last few months that this was coming. Silences/arguments with DB; irritation with friends; discussions over Anjan's predicament; searching for houses and being price sensitive; repeated calculations on excel on how to squeeze the max out of my salary; Dolly's face, pinched and white due to pain...yes, there were many indications that this time was coming.

Now that it's here, it's here. I am not that unused to it anyway. And this time, the secret weapon in my arsenal is Aarav...declogs my arteries and reduces the speed of blood! Work has also gone into hectic mode. So as I deal with the terrible trio of health, finances, relationships, I keep myself busy and occupied. The impact shows on the hair on my pillow each morning, but that's ok, I can live with that.

2009 objectives

Having encouraged all and sundry in my business to create goal sheets, I thought it was high time I went past "focus areas..." and "resolutions" and created a clear set of goals for myself too. This is not a strategy document but a time-bound objectives sheet. It is also dynamic though I hope to only add, not delete. These are the explicit objectives and imply many implicit ones.

Work -Move into a new role that's more "happening" and hands on OR move into a new job that's high paying in preferably a different industry - during Sep to Dec

Growth - Continue teaching AND/OR start doing some freelance training - Jan onw

Finances -

• Reduce quarterly average spending on shopping by at least 20% - Jan onw
• Make one more substantial investment amounting to at least Rs. 15000/month, either in property or MFs - by March 09

Health - Get myself in shape. Weight to be kept maintained at 72 kg and at least 12 visits of 30-40 min each to gym per month. - Jan onw

People -

• Focus on Unni, L, D. Regular interactions and take ownership for meeting at least once/fortnight (not being reactive) - Jan onw
• Take responsibility for Bobo pre-school arrangements etc. - Aug
• Complete clarity on direction w/DB. Be on the same page - Feb onw.

Ending the year...

60 kms away from Bangalore, next to an abandoned water reservoir, we pitched our camp at midnight. The night was lit only by the stars above and a torch we carried with us. We set up a tent, lay down the rug and our supplies. A few minutes later, we cut the birthday cake for DB and poured out our drinks. Surrounded by silence and peace, we laughed at silly jokes, sipped our drinks, listened to "jhanak jhanak payal baaje" on the laptop, ate chips-with-dip over candles and exclaimed at the 'surreality' of the experience. It was chilly but not unpleasantly so; it was quiet but not eerily so; it was dark but not scarily so. The company was friendly, but not overly so. It was far, but not too much; we spent quite some time there, but didn't overstay. We laughed, we thought, we felt, we expressed.

Perfect? It came close. Very close.

The haves and have-nots and the final negation of the arguments

I dont have an expensive branded watch, a heavy-duty phone or iPhone, a snazzy TV or music system, a collection of art prints or a series of exotic holidays to my credit.
I have a good collection of clothes, though none from the top-league. I have a collection of jackets that I am happy with and I have a good set of books and movies which reflect my passion.
I dont have an apartment/house to my name and I continue to live in rented premises. I do have a plot of land which I am paying EMI on, but that's not tax friendly as it's a site loan.
I have done up my house well, even when it was small. I always get genuine compliments on my taste from people I trust.
I have not been in IT, where I could make money through onsite projects, or in Sales, where I could make money on commissions and incentives.
I do have a lovely job that I like and my career graph has been to my liking. I am also paid a fair amount as per the field I am in and work with a respected organization. I am also cognizant of where I came from - the kind of salaries we had earlier and how this was a dream. It's real now.
I have led an enjoyable life and never scrimped on going out - spending time with a series of many, lovely friends over several years in good eating and drinking holes.
I continue to have a couple of personal loans on my head but am able to manage expenses reasonably well on a month to month basis. On the basis of the reality a few years ago, I know this is progress.
I don't have a double-income family and probably wont either. That's a constraint on finance.
I do know that if I work harder (visiting faculty, trainer) and smarter (MF investments etc.), I can overcome that constraint to an extent.

And so the argument continues.

At the end of the day....I am happy when my boss tells me I have added value to him; I am sad when I feel I haven't provided enough for Mummy; I am happy when I spend time with Bobo; I am sad when I think about Dolly and what she is going to go through; I am happy when I receive a genuine smile from a loved one; I am sad when I think about the fact that I am balding.

This is what it boils down to.

"hi, long time, how have u been?"

As I look back, I realise that amongst the many many many words on the subject of personal relationships that I have expressed myself on - the connect, the pain, the madness, the love, the comfort, the companionship - the favorite topic is- chemistry! A useful, versatile, nice-sounding word.

Does its versatility extend to the long-distance, online connections? For me, someone who's not a veteran "onliner" but sufficiently networked, yes. The slightly electric feel of the first connection; the unconscious smile on seeing that name appear; the ears of the mind perking up at getting a message, clear or subliminal; the re-digestion and absorption of long conversations; the wondering and the wondering....it's all been there. In many forms...the had-fun-while-it-lasted types like Ankit or Rohan, the mad-online-damp-offline types like Vik, the partly-online-partly-offline types like Sri and sometimes, appropriately rarely, the can-this-be-something types like Am or Gar...

How many people feel this like I do? Are people of certain zodiac signs more sensitive to chemistry, or is it purely individual personality? Is chemistry an end by itself, or rather, can it be? If not followed by deeper physical or emotional interaction, does it keep taut like a wire or start fizzling? Is chemistry the ultimate altar, before which all kneel, including rooted prejudices and so-called moral barriers?

I dont know. I guess I will either think about and discover my thoughts on these questions over a period of time (I don't think the word "answers" can be applied here) or just let this topic lie in my subconscious, taken out and given a dusting for a once-over when someone like an Am comes back and says "hi, long time, where have u been?"

Prague first...

I would have liked to really record my thoughts and impressions as I spent time in these two cities; there was so much to see, absorb, think about, feel, sense in both the places, and mostly positive too! I don't know what stops me from doing so. It's partly the same ol' laziness that has prevented me from doing so much else....and partly, it's also the thought of the wannabe writers springing up behind every door nowdays! I am so apprehensive at being part of this "sea of mediocrity" (as Mr. Mundol used to often say!) that I now shy away from it.

Anyway, this post is about Prague and NY and what I did (in the tradition started by Ms. Katy) -

In Prague...

• Bundled in cafe-owned blankets, or at least clothed in my own jackets, I spent a lot of time sitting in open-air cafes at various times in the evenings (never in the afternoons, I hate the sun), sipping tea or coffee (very good coffee!), the ever-faithful and loving book lying in my lap unread, looking at the stream of gorgeousness passing by (which I 'get' as compared to the consciousness).
• I did the best forearm exercise - take a metal object weighing approx. 150g in your right hand, lift the arm up, hold it there for a few minutes as you steady the hand, press a button with your forefinger and then bring your hand slowly down, bend your head to look at the output, repeat the raise-steady-click-lower routine a few more times until you are satisfied. Do this approximately 20 times a day with objects that provide you aesthetic pleasure (incredible range of architecture in the buildings) and you get the best of both worlds.
• I drank the best beer I have ever had (not that I am an expert or anything), mostly of the dark variety, in all the brands available. My favorite is the one I had with Rajan in the old town square - KRUŠOVICE (I googled it just now!). I also realised the legend is true - water IS more expensive than beer.
• I indulged my fat cells in food too. Ghoulash soup, huge chunks of sausage, unpronouncable-but-delicious dishes, huge soft sandwiches, bowls of yogurt with berries.
• I attended a couple of western classical concerts in old, beautiful churches. The lovely cliche was spoilt by the click-n-flash explosion generated by the tourists around me. I, in a very non-touristy fashion, did not carry a camera or a bag, sat alone and pretended not to notice anything. My imitation would have been spoilt if anyone had actually started a conversation with me about the music. All I could have said was that some of it sounded nice and some of it sounded familiar, and the conductor was very well dressed.
• I walked and walked and tested whether those expensive Geoxx shoes were really worth it. They were. I explored cobbled pathways (to find out that they lead to yet another shop selling "genuine Bohemian crystal"), retraced steps to look at building facades that struck me, revisited cafes and bars that I grew to like, went to multiple shops to find the "mera wala picture" for the bedroom wall, I climbed all the way up (and naturally all the way down) to the Prague castle grounds and basically went out walking whenever I was free.
• I visited a couple of old-fashioned g bars. I didnt know they existed. They had wooden walls, plastic tablecloths (right word?) and served food with drinks (a strict no-no in other bars). They also had friendlier people than the usual sada-hua variety. I guess age mellows them. I fit right in.
• I also had kadai chicken and naan on my first evening in Prague with a middle-aged, boring business lead who had nothing to say except office politics and who I don't particularly like. I put it down as a "work obligation" and will forever count it as one of my sacrifices.
• I also had a reasonably good time with Sid (though he's very very choon and a vegetarian and doesn't drink much and refused to be photographed even once). We visited a Brit g pub and gave polite smiles; we walked around at midnight looking for veg food that wasn't McD (I refused, period.); we ate Haagen Daaz ice cream on the pretty pretty St Charles bridge at a freezing midnight hour; we baited, caught and released a drunk German at 3 am; we exchanged numerous insults on our respective dressing sense; we climbed the Prague TV tower and looked out at views of the city.

Tools

Isn't it strange that over the years one gains so much capability in practically everything in life. but the basics - how do u deal with love/pain/depression/grief - still elude us. Not the most sparkling of original thoughts, I know, but relevant to what I am thinking/feeling right now.

I am getting into a low phase. The trigger was a 2 minute chat with a not-so-close friend, the (unintentional?) sharpness of whom took my breath away. But the overall "lowness" is probably a combination of many things. Physical downturn, general "cycle of life", Dolly's news, other worries about events coming up (people moving in/out).

I couldn't immerse myself in work. Nothing that interesting to immerse myself in, anyway. I ignored work and sank into a PG Wodehouse, armed with a chocolate. Didn't work. Chatted with a couple of close friends, felt slightly better but not much. Will now go to gym. Dont think that will help much, but will try. I think an evening out on movies is the best option. Will try and organize that. It will take the edge off.

Musings on an airplane

An elderly gentleman with his wife just passed my seat. He could barely walk, stooped and supported by his wife. I offered to help and she declined with a quiet smile. Another passenger in front of me was more sensible, he didn’t ask, he just took hold of the elderly man’s hand and guided him forward. The reason why this affects me more than normal is that I can picture daddy and mummy going through the same just a decade ago.

Coincidentally I happen to be watching a movie about a man who, at the age of 42, suddenly realizes his life is “boring”, that he’s not alive and proceeds to be brutally frank with his family and friends, brutal being the operative word. As of this moment, he’s gone to meet his father with whom he seems to have had a dysfunctional relationship.

I am not sure how the two are connected and don’t really care to articulate it either; I am not writing something to be published. What I do know is that both make me feel. A sense of regret, sadness…or maybe just pensiveness.

There’s so much pain in each of one of us. There’s so much pain in our loved ones. What’s “being alive” as opposed to be being just “tragic”? Why are we passive in our relationship with people? What’s this man thinking, that he’s left his wife and children in confusion and sadness, as he figures out his own self? What was I thinking, paying more attention to my own issues with daddy than to his excruciating physical (and, in hindsight, emotional) pain?

I have just returned from a 2 week trip to Prague and a week’s vacation in New York. At this moment, I am tired and a little unwell (not to mention bankrupt), but overall happy and cool. Tomorrow I could be, let’s change that to “will not be”, not. There will be pain. And confusion. And craziness. Physical discomfort. Embarrassments. To use an old-fashioned term, adversity.

Sometimes, even in the middle of a good time, it’s important to remember that. It’s the intellectual equivalent of making sure that you say your bedtime prayers regularly.

Time passes by...fast!

I spend a fair amount of time online so I wonder why I don't blog more...I guess writing requires dedicated, clear thought and I have a feeling that I have been less than adequately equipped with both dedication and clarity recently :) Anyway, the past few weeks have just flown by in a fuzzy sense of madness, emotion, celebration and exhaustion.

I started teaching in Aug (did I post about this yet?) and it's been an interesting experience so far. Like most much-anticipated activities, this hasn't turned out the way I expected it to be, but that's not to say it's any lesser....I am teaching a pre-determined university syllabus (filled with archaic topics!) of a subject I am not very fond of (compensation!) to a 40-strong group of not-very-strong-or-skilled students in an environment that can be described as strictly average. BUT I am making a difference, and that's what was the driver behind this anyway. My classes are on Friday and Saturday and necessitate me taking some hours off from work...but I make up for it in other ways. It will probably get a bit too hectic sometimes, esp. if there are weekend trip plans...but I know I will need to work around it, because this is something I want to do or at least try fully.

I also moved into the new place...seven days of pre and post-shifting activity that was exhausting and irritating, but necessary. I made long to-do lists and taped them on my wardrobe door, checking them off as they got done (some still lie unticked, like the bean bag that never came back!!). I made and re-made and re-made some more the budgets for the coming months...trying to balance the inflow and outflow (that seemed gigantic by comparison, oh lord, why do i earn so less!!). I displayed nothing short of superlative irritable/crotchety behavior towards everyone in general, but mostly towards DB, that has made impressions that will not wear off in a hurry. I also didn't indulge in much physical hard work and yet stopped exercising thanks to the hectic schedule, leading to more accumulation of inches and providing me with the belly of (alleged) prosperity. At the end of it all, I now reside in an apartment that's big, airy, clean, convenient, tastefully done up but doesn't have the coolness n character quotient of my previous one. Whatever. I am now sitting on a roomy balcony and typing away to glory in an atmosphere of near-silence, something that wasn't possible there. Of course, neither do I have leafy green trees to look at or a cool breeze to enjoy. So typical of life.

I had a wonderful short vacation, thanks to the symbolically significant first birthday of Bobo and my 30th birthday. That I consider the former to be a cause for celebration and the latter a cause for depression is a separate matter, but we all (Dhaka, Delhi n Mau) converged in Vedic Village for 3.5 days of revelry (as much of it as one can have with two toddlers!) on Aug 21. The start was rocky (bad rooms got allotted initially, Bobo was upset with our intrusive behavior) but things got sorted out and we actually managed to have a very decent amount of fun for the next few days (except Dolly n Mummy to an extent, as they had to contend with an ill-Bobo). Lavish rooms (villas actually, and I forgot to the take a snap of the bedroom-sized bathroom with a sunken bath and an open-air shower!), well appointed resort, loads n loads of greenery (with snakes provided with compliments of Mother Nature), cake from Flurys (the monetary cost of which, combined with the cost of Dolly's effort in getting in there, probably made one of the most expensive cakes ever consumed), champagne (drunk in normal water glasses, since the resort mgmt reneged at the last moment, bloody creeps!), constant flow of good food n drinks (and if the villas took 3 months off Anjan's annual salary, this took the bonus!), lazyboy/massage chairs (don't know what they are actually called) in each room, reasonable amount of independence to spend the days as you wished (faced with a grand total of 5 choices - sleep/ eat-drink/ swim/ spend-time-with-baby/ vegetate) and a heterogeneous group that managed to get along pretty well....all of it added up to pretty much the type of celebratory holiday we were aiming for! (marred by a highly uncomfortable and painful return trip for Dolly/Anjan/Mummy though)

So, well...that was the last big activity...came back and resumed life...a bit hectic (and a little frustrating) at work but have just completed a typical full weekend composed of classes (tiring, but nice), dentist (painful), shopping (a phone that's stylish - nice - and expensive - not nice), lunch (good but ended up giving me loosies), movie (wall e - very very cute n nice n thought provoking), another movie (rock on - really good) and a sunday that was lazy and beautiful :)

Another week is about to start...but there's stuff to look forward to and agonise about in the coming few weeks - my performance mgmt process....my possible prague trip (for which the visa still hasn't come!!)...dolly/mummy's arrival...so I have a feeling there's going to be another post probably around mid-Oct. Unless of course, I am struck by something provoking enough to make me log on and write again :)

To-do list for the next 4 months

> Move house (already in progress, to be done in Aug)
> Start going as guest/visiting faculty for BBA/MBA classes somewhere (effort started....fingers crossed)
> Instal an SIP (I actually know what this means. I also know the rates/sq feet for flats in different parts of the city. God help me....soon I will be talking about engines of cars and tax deduction policies. Sigh)
> Get sanity back into my life

Less than myself

I have been meaning to sit down and blog for several days now. The trigger each day is different.

A few days ago I returned from my Hyd trip, and what an amazing break it was. D and I did exactly what we love to do - a road trip and many movies (on separate days of course!). I do so want to record the details of those days...the long drives on mostly good roads, the monuments and ruins with interesting histories, the villages and the intermingling of cultures and the eager children who would run after us and show us around, the usually bad food punctuated by surprising authentic Punjabi and Rajasthani meals, the movie marathon, the laziness...all of it.

And then, in direct contrast, there's L. A sudden absence in my life, future unknown. I want to explore my reaction to this - the thoughts and the emotions and the roots of that emotion. I want to explore the issue as well as the trigger and figure out if I can make sense.

The thought of the near future occupies my days - the prospective travel, the shifting, the purchases, the expenses, the possibilities, the risks, the settling down....how am I going to pull this all together?? I want to think that through.

If my future occupies my day thoughts, the sub conscious is most certainly reserved for family. I know the pressure and near-depression that Dolly's going through; I know the sense of pressure & frustration that Anjan would be feeling; I know how helpless and sad Mummy would be. All of us want the same thing; we also know that the right things happen at the right time and so we should not get down...yet it still rankles, the uncertainty irritates and upsets and in the meanwhile, you keep calculating the days/weeks until your next meeting.

In the meanwhile, work goes from 0 to 0.5 in the indifference index. Things hang in limbo...there's a little more clarity but not much action. I am not getting what I wanted from this role...yet am unable to give it up because of what it has given. How silly is that...and how contradictory to my normal style of functioning.

And that, of course, brings me to that eternal question - have I compromised on myself? Have I traded in for someone lesser? Or have I just been fooling others all this while? This me - the irritable, snappy me - is it really me???

What's cause, what's effect? What role does DB play here? Is he the victim of my troubled soul or a contributor to it or probably both? Even if both, is it his fault? Unintentionally, yes. Intentionally, no. So, by the logic of my usually just and controllable mind, he shouldn't be at the receiving end. But he is. And that hurts me as much as it does him.

So well...these are the things that flow through the mind as I eat, sleep, gym, work, drive etc. etc. The only time I am a little at peace is when I am absorbed in a good book or movie - what a blessing they are!

Ideally this blog should have been a full fledged exploration...this listing is something I do daily in my mind, so it's not really helpful. But maybe someday later, it will remind me of myself in a weak moment, a mirror to a point in time when I felt less than myself.

Pouts and a slap

Disgruntled with work, disappointed with myself, upset with a best friend, irritable with my partner...this is certainly a new kind of low for me.

It's not as if I remain perpetually pouting. Today I went out for shopping and lunch with Smita and had a nice time. In the evening will meet Sonali for dinner and share some gossip over fine. I am also exercising regularly and hope to soon start reducing. And there's this thriller that I am reading that has me absolutely engrossed.....so anyway, daily life goes on.

But somewhere, I know that there are some things intrinsically wrong. I am not turned on by work nowdays; it keeps me occupied but my mindspace is empty. I am disgusted with the way I have dealt with the quality of life I have been afforded thanks to my role in the past 9 months. Yes, I got 3 months family team which was great. But what about the teaching? the social work? Or even gymming? And money??? 7 years into my career I dont have an investment plan and I have finally bought a miserable piece of land, the EMI for which doesn't even give me tax benefits. If I lose my job tomorrow, I will be on the streets. If I have an accident, I will have to starve.

I am not being overdramatic, just harsh. It's high time I was a little harsh with myself, looked myself carefully in the mirror and pointed a rude finger "Buddy, what the fuck is happening?".

It's usually my closest friends who act as this mirror to me. Just spending time with them is my reality check. One best friend is in US, one in Hyd, neither are the types who I can companionably chat or talk with long distance about inconsequential stuff. The third is here and has very little time and is now wrapped in some silly issues with himself that are now starting to get me and finally made me lose my temper (which I am not proud of, btw, and I DID say sorry, but didn't get a response...and anyway, that's another story)

So it's me. I have to clean myself up. And I will do so. I will update this blog in 2 months and take another cold, hard look at myself. Let's see.

Missing baby A

So many expressions of his flit through my mind in any idle moment…the frenzied movements and happy noise when he knows he’s about to go out; the sleepy monotone with the half-lidded eyes as he drifts to sleep on the swing; the determined playfulness as he would climb up on me to slap me around and wake me up in the morning; the false joviality and crinkling of eyes at certain words and expressions; the angry battering of hands when he’s denied the route he wants to go in; the puzzled-yet-determined look when a particular object of interest is refused to him; the intent exploration of usefulness of toys and cameras and cars on the street; the sheer glee when he witnessed his and our faces in the mirrors.

Unfortunately the bad times accompany the good ones. I don’t think I will ever, ever forget those moments in the hospital and his expressions that day, which moved from angry betrayal to pain to resignation. I don’t know which one hurt us more. I know we all died a little that day.

Now I can just imagine what he’s feeling. Dolly just told me that he’s been crying on and off for the past couple of days. There used to be a particular hanging pot that he was extremely fond of and I would (in my key responsibility as taxi driver) take him there to gaze up in wonder (even though he would be seeing it for the umpteenth time), watch him as he switched his glances between the pot, me and the revolving fan and sometimes even smile in glee, doing his enthusiastic “whoo, hoo” rumble. Now he doesn’t. Dolly takes him there, he looks at her, and then turns away. They try to keep him distracted and happy. He’s a baby after all, and he becomes ok in a few minutes.

So I thank god for this time I spent. There was stress, yes; and sadness too. But a lot of happiness as well. I am very very glad it worked out.

So life goes on. A month of love. Another few months of separation. He got introduced to this cycle too early. We are used to it.

The voices in my head make me cry

Is it a plane? Is it an alien? No! It’s Superman!

(At least that’s how I think it went)

Ok. I am nuts. Or nearly there. The flip flop of my emotions have done me in. The sense that I have just revisited my 30 years (not 30 yet!!) in the past couple of months has sapped my mind of coherent thought. I sit in the extremely crowded and noisy departure hall of Cal airport feeling a little like the Alice in Wonderland characters who have plenty to say but never make sense.

Bobo’s voice reverberates in my ears, going “hoo hoo hoo…” endlessly, pushing me with his body language (not to mention will) in every direction he wants to go. Mummy’s eyes are right in front of me, often tired, always loving, never complaining. Dolly is jumping, coaxing her son to laugh and giggle, and then he turns towards me again. “Hoo hoo hoo…”….”show me the mirror, take me outside…” and I feel like jumping up right now, holding my arms out like a taxi driver opens the door to eagerly awaiting passengers. Except that I won’t charge. At least not in cash. I want that smile, the happy eyes. Anjan sits smiling placidly, until his wife brings him back to reality with a reminder or a warning. He is tired too. And sleepy. But he is game for suggestions. And Bobo has plenty. He would like a quick bite for starters, and it could be even be his Mom’s shoulder….

And so it goes on. An endless replay of scenes in my mind, in full color and with Dolby sound. I can even patch the scenes together to create a full – fledged movie. Though it may appeal to only very esoteric European audiences who will take the khichdi I will serve as an output of eclectic imagination. Because I will serve a khichdi. The format will be very Hindi-filmy-family. Smiles, a good natured baby, good clothes, good food, well decorated house. The emotions will be very Hollywoodish and simple – tension, love, anger, strain, sadness. The pattern is what will make it European – I start with tension…move to relief…then affection…and love…and then worries….and then sadness….and then some more love…then some feel-good positivism…then strain…some silence…love again…and then sadness. How can any good movie start with tension and end with sadness? I certainly won’t watch it.

The last coherent thought I had when this movie was starting was the one that reminded me (for the umpteenth time) how love is the biggest cause of sadness in the world. I was incredibly tense about Mummy’s opn and the impact it would have on her. Other high points of the trip were of a similar nature – blinking back tears at Bobo’s heartrending screams (and pleading eyes) when they took his blood for testing. Assuring Dolly fervently that the future will work out all right (and inwardly hoping and hoping and hoping that it will be so, because this lovely family just doesn’t deserve any more shit). And finally, plonking one last kiss on the baby’s cheek, feeling his fingers grip my shoulder, hugging them to somehow convey the immensity of what I feel, the tears that I can’t shed.

I just forgot my cell phone where I was sitting; that’s something I don’t do often. I went back after ten minutes and found it there, thank God. But it’s kind of woken me up a little. The rush of travel activity; the hilarious book; the browsing of people’s faces – this self prescription of Prozac is not so effective any more. The words, the sounds, the faces, the hands…the bloody fucking awful real mad soothing loving terrible feeling – it’s all there. Sharp.

two weeks ago

Two weeks ago, I had a perfect day. DB and I were in Ooty and it was an Ooty different from anytime I had experienced before.

We awoke to a rain-splashed morning in our room – an old-fashioned one with large expanses of wooden flooring, an attached dressing room, an elegant bathroom, and a large fireplace with 2 well-cushioned chairs. I occupied one of them for the early part of the morning – sipping cups of tea, looking out of the open door into the green and wet world outside, listening to nothing but the insistent spatter of the rain (and the restless prowling of DB!), occasionally reading a page or two of the murder mystery that lay on my lap. We finally got around to going for breakfast in the wood-paneled dining room – a buffet of savories that I enjoyed to the fullest, getting up only when I knew that no more was possible! Letting ourselves get wet, we then traversed the hotel property, indulging in mild physical activity - Foos-ball, a game I was introduced to now, was an entertaining one, though its entertainment value was slightly dimmed by the fact that I never won J I was cheered up by the badminton later, where, though I certainly didn’t play like I used to, I was nevertheless better than the one I was playing against! The action naturally flowed into an afternoon of calm and indulgence, DB getting a massage done and me….well, me getting back to the same routine of tea w/book looking at a view in silence. A silence that helped me hear the voices within, the ones that connect me to myself, reminding me of what I value and what I have, answering some of the basic issues that trouble my mind, posing questions that will direct the flow of my life in the coming months, making me look at myself as I really am, and accepting it gracefully, without regret or ambition.

It had been a quiet day so far and we were now ready for some noise. A late lunch behind us and the rain showing signs of rest, we decided to venture out. First stop – a bee museum located next door. Unfortunately the bees couldn’t be disturbed but we did do our bit of shopping for soaps, balms, candles etc. made of honey and wax. We then moved to the mother lode – the lake. A few moments “on the waterfront”, admiring the views of nature and criticizing the ones provided by humans (especially the clothes!). Had hot bhajjis and a coffee, bought some chocolates (and a face pack!), got disappointed by the non-functional toy train, browsed through the so-called Tibetan market and finally got out of there. A nice drive led us to Fernhill Palace, a hotel (ironically) that symbolizes some of the happiest times our family has ever had. The main building was still under renovation and we went to the new hotel built in the outhouses. And I finally had my dream realized – we walked through the covering of pine trees, the green shadows against the background of misty white, taking snaps, talking about the inconsequential and leaving the most important unsaid, but understood. The walk continued through the rest of the property, surrounded by clouds, catching glimpses of the sprawling valley of terraced farms, the roar of the trucks far below us penetrating and reminding us of widespread human existence. Still enthusiastic, we then went back to the typical tourist trail and headed out to the mecca of humanity in Ooty – the Botanical Gardens. It was as expected – a mélange of humanity of all shapes/sizes/colors/aesthetic tastes, against some very pretty backdrops of green. DB hopped around, dragging me with him, exploring nooks and corners that left a lot to be desired. We did see some interesting trees (one with branches that seemed to grow downward, another with roots emerging from the ground in a network of nerves), laughed at the typical signage that made distorted use of English, searched for the missing “Dil” tree that had presumably been knocked down and finally, having had enough of noise for the day, retreated into the comfortable, quiet elegance of our room.

Things were beginning to slow down. I was calm, but there were many emotions that had flowed through me during the day, leaving me energized, yet relaxed - an unusual combination. Thoughts merged into a pleasant haze as we sipped Golconda Ruby in front of the television, making desultory conversation about people on TV, and people in our lives. A cold walk to an indifferent dinner, a colder walk back, and then a fire is lit in our room. I switch off the lights and somehow, we don’t talk, letting the crackle of the fire and the sound of the rain do the talking. I occasionally put in more sticks, not heeding his warnings about the supposed dangers of doing so. We slumber in the large bed, I read a few more pages about Ms. Marple’s shrewdness. Slowly, peacefully, in that large room with the wooden flooring, we fall asleep. In an Ooty different from anytime I had experienced before.