Dilution of deserved rewards

I was very happy last night, yet wasnt really able to enjoy the happiness, because of the numerous other related issues clouding my mind. Am just not able to relax, my mind keeps going over those seemingly minor incidents (the 2 day gap, the wrong sms, the switch off) which somehow have a much larger symbolic significance in my mind. The problem is, that there's no clear solution except to make drastic choices, which I dont want to.

What the f**k is this....I deserve my happiness, dont I????? I have been good, I have made efforts, I have changed myself a lot, I have bloody hell been through a bloody hell of a lot....why the f**k cant I have my cake and eat it too for a change???????????

I dont know what this trip is gng to achieve, but even action for the sake of action seems like a diversion to me.

Conflicts and crunches

24th Jan will always be counted as the “sms” day for me. An sms that brought be right back to the basic – How far am I willing to go to save what I cherish? And to what extent will I compromise on my beliefs to do so? Do all such decisions ultimately come down to a cost benefit analysis? How far can I compartmentalize my life? And can I believe that someone else can compartmentalize me to the extent that I am always safe, no matter what happens in the other “compartments”? Can I really view a potentially explosive emotional situation (for me) with a detached eye and take a decision by brain, not heart? When confronted with a conflict between my instincts and my brain, who will I listen to, in a crunch? And, despite my outwardly calm demeanor, a crunch it is.

Yesterday was probably one of the most exhausting days of my life. I was fire fighting and coordinating from 8 in the morning onwards (after having closed the ppt at 2 am and slept at 3 am). I was talking, listening through the day. I was planning minutes/hours in advance. I hardly ate anything normal, mainly survived on cookies and muffins and coffee. I finally ended the day at 11:30 and slept under the influence of a few drinks. All this while, I was thinking….about the changes soon to come, about the possibility of a reunion in the coming week, about the plans that I need to make…..and then, from 4 pm onwards, of all of the questions/thoughts listed above….my brain was whizzing with thoughts I didn’t have time to structure, my heart was wrenched with emotions I didn’t have time classify, and all this while I was this smiling, efficient machine that ensured that the day was smooth and productive for the people I was taking care of.

Today, I will find the silence I need to absorb all of yesterday’s produce. And then I will respond. Yes, respond. Not react.

Judgment and compassion

Opinions vary on whether I am judgmental or not. Some people - having been able to talk to me about their foibles and falls without getting embarassed, having been recipients of a patient, quieter me - think I am not. Others - partners in my thought process, witness to my strong opinions, stand on controversial areas - think I most certainly am.

At the cost of sounding a cliche, I am myself not sure. Because I dont really understand what the word judgmental means. The dictionary confuses me further. It uses the term "to judge" in its meaning and the word "judgmental" includes "to judge" in its meaning :)

Yes, I am judgmental to the extent that I form opinions, I believe in right/wrong actions and I believe that good follows right and bad follows wrong. So I judge events, actions, even words. But people? I dont judge people. I dont classify them. I dont cast them as heroes or villians and I avoid stereotyping as much as possible. I realise people are fallible and they make mistakes, stupid mistakes, terrible one even, that destroy others as much as themselves, but I also believe that it's not my lot to carry out the sentence. Whether it be as a friend, son, brother, confidant or lover, I have to do what I believe is right for me - and that usually means just being there. Because that's what they need.

Has anyone thought about WHY i am so hung up on being clear as to right/wrong, forming opinions and passing judgment left, right and centre? It is not because I perceive myself to be a moral guardian of my world. Instead, its because I realise that most of us dont really have the ability to be truly detached and unemotional enough to carry out actions just as actions, without letting a moral connotation get attached to them.

What this implies is that wrong actions invariably lead to sadness all around. Simple as that. Doing something for the wrong reasons, lying to yourself, lying to someone else - this may get us convenient results in the immediate run (and we think "oh! I am so smart, having my cake and eating it too!") but sooner or later, our guilt or the others' instincts create a cycle of events that usually lead to either pain or inner death.

I realise that I am sounding like a sanctimonious saint here, but truly I am not. I just feel very very sad when I see people going through pain, especially pain that they could have avoided. Or when I see people living lives in a clinical fashion, deriving joy as per convenience...a death I would not wish on anyone.

Drunken ruminations

Friday was when it all struck me. Along with the martinis and the margaritas, I sipped at the crazy cocktail that my life had become. The chill of change, the hint of the past, the sharpness of emotions, the volume of activity, the taste of love, the flow of people...after a long, long time, I was in a state of near inebriation, something I can afford to be only with people I trust. This time, it was Nik.

My head didn't ache the next day, but my heart did, after the morning conversation. I guess one can never escape a hangover.

2006 lists!!

It gets a bit tiring obsessing about yourself and dissecting your thoughts and emotions…I don’t know how others stand it! Yes, am going through a depression….well, so be it. For now, am relegating it to the background. Soon my mind (sub conscious?) will tire itself and join the surface cooler waters.

In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy myself making lists.

The first one, to cheer the fab year that Bollywood has had, is my favorite movies of 2006 –

Top 10

Gangster – hopeless romanticism; Shiney’s eyes; lovely music; great shots and flow
Dhoom 2 – sheer adrenaline; beautiful people; Hrithik = God
Omkara – one of the most well made movies of all time; the intensity; the quieter performances
Rang De Basanti – the sheer idea; the lullaby song; the truly ensemble cast/performances
Don – so much fun!; SRK super cool; well picturised songs
Dor – the uniqueness and simplicity of the story and performanes
Corporate – simple, well told story; Bips’ look
Golmaal – genuinely good comedy; cute Tusshar
Fanaa – here only because of Kajol
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna – surprisingly better than expected; beautiful to look at; dared to make a movie with dislikable main characters

Runner ups (!!)

Krrish
Lage Raho Munnabhai
Taxi no. 9211
Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota
Mixed Doubles

Disappointments

15 Park Avenue
Bas Ek Pal

Didn’t see (not that I missed anything)

Kabul Express
Babul
Vivah

Last year, I had made a list of "changes" in the list of people I am close to. This time, I am just making a list of all the people I am close to - at the cost of sounding offensive, an inventory so to speak!

Mum, U, D, L, DB (new)

Shk, Shw, Dom, Sidh

H, Sau (up), Nik (up) , Rku, M, Aish, Shal

Ven (down), Sej, Meet (new), Sid, Jas, Am (new), Ar, Ank

Sm (new), LC (new), Son, Poo (down), Shilpa, Amit, Man (new)

K, Lord, V (in and out)

Cant think of any other lists right now....its late at night, and after a highly satisfying conversation, I am happier :)

Stop the lift. Press the Down button

The low is coming on after ages of holding it in check for the constant stream of activities in my life. This time the catalyst is the book I just finished - The Married Man. This book, loaded with emotion and atmosphere, I read mainly in the compressed cabins of airplanes from which there was no escape.

I know that I felt as if I was floating through a graceful dance of recognition and pain, I know that I smiled sometimes and wept twice, I know that the reading of the book was given company by my own set of recollections and thoughts.....but it all seems so blurred now. What was I thinking? What were those memories that those lines triggered off, and why could I remember the feel of those memories but not the details? Mum leading Dad into the bathroom, emanciated and dependent....the phone call last year....the expression on DB's face when he turned around...the tear down L's cheek....the blank, pain hazed stare of Mum....why are all these memories so hazy yet feel so sharp? As time passes, will they morph into one long glaze of sweet pain, the kind that's recalled under the influence of love or alcohol? Will they even be true? Or will they become urban legends of my own mind?

I know I am tired. And angry. Yes, I have accepted the fact that I need to look at life as an overall package. Yes, I know that the deal is that you pay a price for everything you get, and the price gets higher as the things get better. And yes, I have got used to the feeling of always having my heart cut out across cities and always "missing" a loved one. But I am still angry. The anger is doubled because there is really no choice. Or rather, the choice is one that I care not to make.

I know that I need to slow down. But I already am uncomfortably aware that that's one resolution which is not getting actioned this year. If anything, the ambiguity is going to keep me even more on my toes than the last two years put together.

I know that today time stood still. The drive, the shopping, the food, the goodbye. Life is never going to be the same again.

I know this is a low that's not going away easily.

From black to white to grey...turn of the year

I have just finished watching The Squid and the Whale. Though I liked it, I am not sure why it’s been so acclaimed. I am sitting in a heated room under a green blanket with a blank white wall in front of me – the sheer lack of taste, good or bad, is itself depressing. The temperature outside is somewhere in the range of 1 to 5, and that cheers me. Its twelve on the night of the first of January 2007, and for some unfathomable reason I have been avoiding writing about it.

Is it the past?

2006 has had its fair share of ups and downs, but the one thing I am glad about is that, for the first time, I took not one but two leaps of faith and didn’t falter. The year had started with me getting settled into a role that was a significant distance from my responsibilities earlier. I was nervous, tense and yet, thanks to the kind of support being given to me, strangely confident as well. I didn’t think too much about it and just threw myself into work, waking up a few months later to realize that I had passed the litmus test somewhere on the way. I fought another battle with my insecure, cynical self in the second half of the year, when, out of the blue, I was faced with a prospect I had believed pretty much impossible till then. Once again I responded to someone else’s faith and took that leap, consciously avoided thinking about what I was doing and before I knew it, I was in the most wondrous experience of my life.

So why have I been avoiding writing?

Is it the present?

The ‘new year’ is always significant for me because my two most important objectives are to be at peace with myself (so I can think and feel clearly) and have a pleasant Day1 (that sets the tone for the year).

The turn of the year from 2006 to 2007 will symbolize many things for me – love, pain, thought, winter, fog, cold, food, love, activity, laughter, beauty, winter, food, walks, drives, pain.

The experience of being in Simla (and now Narkanda) with the people I am closest to has been great. The biting cold, the constant hunger, the silly laughter, the quiet companionship, the exhausting drives, the beautiful mountains…all have been equally welcome and equally enriching.

So why have I been avoiding writing?

Because of the future?

Well…there are no doubt some tensions. I continue to be worried about Mum’s health (and for that matter my own). My finances are yet to get in order and its high time they did, so that’s something I somehow need to achieve. But there’s a lot positive as well – including the upcoming event in the family and DB. So the overall balance is not too bad (though that too is marred by the anger of distant locations)

I finally arrive at the inevitable - the basic reason for avoidance is what has traditionally been the reason for avoiding anything – fear.

Never before in my life has the future looked so grey, so uncertain, so ambiguous and so marred with conflict. I have no clue what’s going to happen at work – which location or locations will I be in, what role or roles will I do, what my career path is going to be. I have no clue how my family role will pan out – how will mum’s health shape up, what will D & A’s plans work out, what locations we all will be in. I have no clue where I am going with DB or will this stand the test of time and conflicting priorities. And these three priorities….no, let me call them something else….these three parts of my soul may end up conflicting with each other. That’s something I have faced earlier too in my life but have worked hard (very hard) to ensure none suffered. For the first time, I sense a loss of control, a sense of being swept with tides that may dash me against the rocks and break my soul into three distinct parts, thus effectively killing it.

That is what I am scared of. Fundamentally, feverishly scared of.

In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy the balance 3 days of my holiday and start working out the broad “resolutions” for the coming year.

Que sera sera.

Nightmares and Positivity

The re occurence of the old nightmare has against infused a tension into me that will not go away easily. As usual, it is not the event itself but the sense of helplessness and the lack of solution that causes the tension.

I know I have said this before and I will probably say this a thousand times till I die, but there's nothing more painful to me than the suffering of loved ones. This reminds of something that I read yesterday - it is the strong who suffer the most. To my shock, I realise this is one of the truest statements I have ever come across in all senses.

I dont know if its my disgusting (hallucinatory) positivity or the reality that life is beautiful (!), but I continue to be glad about the fact that for all these tensions, I have ways and means of dealing with it as well, whether it be my own common sense or the affection of loved ones.

That still doesnt take away the gut wrenching pain I feel when I know a loved one has slept with a disturbed mind....or is spending the day in a haze of suffering....and I stand by the side.

How am I going get out of this cycle and whether its in me to even try to do this, I dont know. For now, I live with it.

Painful ironies

There was so much wrong. And yet my mind just ignored it and focused on my attention on what could be right. Made me look beyond the surface, beyond the conventionalities of judgment, on the possibilities, the potential. In a way, I surrendered my will to a deeper, wiser instinct that guided me to where I am today.

Today, there is so much right. And yet my mind refuses to rest easy and keeps visiting the areas that could be wrong. Bitter irony it might be, it is also irritating and destructive. I strongly believe in self fulfilling prophecies and I DON’T want this one to be like that. As I keep saying, I can fight against the whole world but cant fight inwards.

But I don’t know what to do – the “could be wrong” areas are based on a maze of assumptions, possibly over-intellectualized thought, imagination, over reactive tendencies….or could be based on rational thought disguised as instinct, patterns that are below the surface and my understanding of people.

The thing is – I don’t know. And the best thing to do about such situations is to leave them alone. Yet those nagging fears and apprehensions don’t listen to such logic. They gnaw at me, snipe at me and at best, circle me warily if I react strongly.

Looking inwards to predict

One doesn't write just to record, right? I write because it helps me articulate and define my internal thoughts and emotions, clarify ambiguity (as far as possible) with the final outcome of understanding what's happening to/around me and then figuring out the map - internal and external - for the future. My blog especially plays the role of a navigator through my life.

And the reason I am saying all of this is to get to the bottom of why I have not blogged recently. Even though I seem to be perpetually racing against time, I have always found the space to capture those reams of thought and emotion at signifcant times of my life. And the past one month certainly comes in that category.

Transition out from current role, Unni's wedding, DB.....all these have translated into a surprisingly complex mix of emotions...complex because at a time, i was operating at multiple levels, often trying to reconcile "good" and "bad" at the same time. Not that that's something new for me, but it usually is blog worthy as well.

Yet I have sensed an internal resistance to capturing it in words. Maybe its just laziness or exhaustion, but I thnk it's probably my sense of the pointlessness of doing so - after all, none of what i am feeling or going through right now will have a bearing on what I will feel or go through tomorrow. Its a very very unusual situation to be in, but probably for the first time in my life, I am more interested in looking ahead than looking back.

More on that front in my "end of 2006-beginning of 2007" post.

My sad moments

While it is not my place to decide what is sad and what is sadder, what is less painful and what is more, for me personally there is nothing more heartbreaking than the loss of a young life. I realise that I cant do much more here than recount clichés, but truly, whether it be in life or death, is there anything more de humanizing than the loss of potential?

The book I was reading on Saturday night ended with the death of the protagonist’s best friend, an eight year old girl. The entire scene and the ones leading up to it were so touchingly, simply described that I could not help breaking down. And could not help thinking about similar scenarios that I unfortunately have been part of.

My first encounter with the death of a young one was when I was 14. A younger boy who used to travel in the same school van as mine died, I don’t remember how. I remember feeling bad but not really thinking about it. Until, that is, when we passed his house the next day and saw his mother standing at the gate, sobbing and saving to the van passing by. That’s when the gaping hole hit me – between “being there” and then, suddenly, not being there.

A year later, I had just moved from Blr to Del when Dom wrote to me that Reetobhash, a classmate and a decent friend, had cancer. A few months later, he told me, in a tearful letter, that he had died. This time the sense of loss was more personal, more real. Again, a sense of wonderment – I had just left him a few months ago, and how he just didn’t exist anymore.

The next again, it was news of a friend in another city. This time it was Deepti, and I was in Del. I had been with her through some pretty tough times, with her bf and her parents. She had been a messed up kid but her life was finally back on track. And yet it was not be. Possibly due to her ex’s machinations, she died a sudden, painful death. A smart, pretty, fun loving girl – the flame was wiped out in seconds, leaving her loved ones devastated.

The same year, it was another death that rocked me – Ashu. We are still not sure how it happened, though it seems pretty certain it could have been murder. But that’s not important. What’s important is that he was mad in love, and mad is the right word. And despite the cautionings of well wishers like Mum, he hurtled down the mad path of love, till tragedy struck. This was someone I had grown up with, been intimate with, relied upon, fought with. He had his whole life in front of him – he was a kind, street smart, funny, crazy boy and he deserved his life. At the sight of his body, I experienced a near loss of control, a sense which I hope I shall not feel soon again.

And so it has been. Recently too, the incident regarding Prateek (Ank’s flatmate) and his death (dengue, for god’s sake!!!!) again shook me – a young guy with a tragic life behind me, starting out a afresh. And now LC’s friend’s daughter’s death – once again, a medical complication gone bad. And whoosh – a 21 year old life snuffed out.

I cry; for a moment, I imagine myself in the shoes of the parents and their grief stricken lives ahead. As I said, I cant be presumptuous enough to declare that any other kind of grief is any lesser. But there is a sadness to these deaths that strikes right at the middle of my stupid, cynical, tired heart.

And last night, those moments were very, very, very sad.

Pagalpan and peace

A few weeks ago I was going through some archives in this blog and realized that a significant change, amongst others, was the increasing frequency of posts around specific themes as opposed to generic updates when I started blogging! I guess its something to do with the fact that I refined my writing to a point where I wrote only when I felt I had something really substantial to share with myself.

Anyway, today I just want to take a quick snapshot of my life, especially this month!

More than anything else, its been mentally exhausting (there I go with my theme again!). But seriously, this month I have been thinking on all fronts possible!

Despite claiming to be completely switched off at work, I am still affected by the issues here, whether it be my business or my team. After all, I have been associated with both for so long and its certainly not possible to just detach myself and move on. Hence, concentrated thought has gone into team’s individual issues and points around coaching, development, promotions, transition and so on. More than thought, heartburn actually! At the fact that potential has still not been realized and long term growth is still not being taken into account. Mixed with the heartburn is some degree of guilt, because after all I am the supervisor and hence responsible. Maybe I haven’t done enough?? More thought, more introspection.

Similarly issues in the business continue to affect me – attrition, leadership, new initiatives, blah blah blah. This is not just thought but extensive meetings/discussions around these areas where I have been forced to think and articulate and in some cases, commit. More than the team, it is this area that has also caused some degree of emotional exhaustion because this is my baby that is being discussed and planned for. Its part of me.

Which is why the ongoing transition is critical to me – to ensure there are no slippages, no discontinuities and maybe, somewhere, I leave a legacy that’s remembered. Sigh.

Speaking of parts, there’s a new part of me which has surfaced which I never knew existed, a very demonstrative part. Forget about others who have known me for a long time, even I get slightly freaked out when I think about it or observe it from a distance. But then, why should I think or observe? When I am “in” it, I am perfectly comfortable and feel perfectly natural. Which is why I don’t say I have changed, its just that a part has come out with a catalyst called DB. Dealing with it, of course, has taken time, and yes, that’s part of the mental exhaustion thingy.

This also seems to be the time of the year for practically everyone to face upheavals/changes in their lives – Dolly, Sau, Ven, Nik, Rku, Ank, Arj, Mum, U, Dar – the past 3 weeks have had in depth conversations with ALL of them! And I constantly feel guilty about the ones who I know are going through a lot but haven’t reached out to me and so have not got attention – Shal, Shk, Betu. In addition, I am not practicing what I preach – that just because someone hasn’t got issues doesn’t mean they get neglected – Hin, Jas, L, Shw etc etc etc. All these above thoughts have been occupying a significant amount of mindspace.

Not that I have completely recovered from the emotional rigors of the previous few weeks - job, K, Mum etc etc. Every now and then, there's the sudden knot in stomach, a rush of recent memory drawing me into momentary pain and confusion.

Plans for the future – next 1 month, next 3 months, and next 1 year – are another focus area (yuck yuck yuck, I am fed up of my language!). First, Dec – trips to Bbay, Kerala, Hyd and Delhi – all in a space of 1 month!!!!!!!!!! Then the onsite thing –how, when and for how long….god knows. Then the next year – I need to make some decisions here, am just thinking the ratio of heart/mind that I should use. Or maybe I should use my basic principle – using the heart as a decision making tool is ultimately using the mind!!!

Thankfully, all this “thinking” - past, present and future - has ensured that I haven’t “felt” too much, especially the feelings of the negative variety!

Considering that the thinking is soon going to be accompanied by hectic physical activity as well, I hope that the emotional roller coaster is stable enough and doesn’t start moving too fast!!!!! Else I am surely headed for a breakdown.

Which will bring me back to one of the recurring themes of this blog! Ha! Ha! Ha!

But yes, in the middle of this constant "exhaustion", there's peace.

The morning sms and the night chat, the sense of peace and love.

The tea, the laughter, the bitching, the comfort.

The online chat with Mum, the connect, the familiarity, the depth.

The drive home, the clarity, the space, the music.

Its these crucial moments that make my day.

Another visit to my fantasy

Unusual positions, innovative environments and experimental foods aside, one area of so-called "fantasy" for me has been Bombay.

I maintain that this city calls out to me. The largeness/anonymity feel, the energy and the bustle, the contrasts, the studied attitudes, the worship of consumerism, the recognition of night as part of day, the presence of the sea and hence things to do - it resonates with me.

Others maintain its my fantasy. That I love Bbay because I view it as the ideal vacation place, that I dont know the realities of living there. That I belong to Blr and Bombay will "suck my soul" and leave me unhappy and drained.

I submit that both the realities above, contrasting as they might be, are equally real. First of all, cant fantasies become reality? And reality need not always turn out pleasant, right? Isnt taking risk a part of life?

I continue to be attracted to the idea of moving there, even if as an experiment. Recent events make me feel that destiny is finally giving me a push in a direction which, it realises, I havent been in for fear of moving out of comfort zones.

Is it time?

p.s. I had a lovely, lovely weekend in Bbay, hence the post.

Missing a part of myself...

The rumbunctious sounds of the Don soundtrack fill the room....I have just come back from a pleasant, activity laden afternoon with U...am looking forward to drinks n dinner with Nik...have got a book I cant wait to get my teeth into.

And yet, all the while, I carry this ache around with me, a small piece of me that remains empty, yearning for the missing link that will make it whole.

Unfortunately, my life across the cities of Del-Blr-Chn-Dhk (and now Bom) has ensured that I am uncomfortably familiar with this feeling. Its the feeling of being torn, of wanting to be in two places at once....its the feeling that first makes me want to hate life and what it does to me and ends up making me want to hate myself for what I am and why I let life do this to me. Its a sweet feeling for all the nice memories it brings to me and its incredibly sad when it reminds me of what I am missing. It tickles me alive all over when it strikes all of a sudden and leaves me dead when it gets defeated and recedes.

Its the feeling I had guarded against for so long and had even pretended to forget it existed. But its back now, and I can no more pretend it doesn't exist than I can that I myself dont. Like the one I love, this feeling too is a part of me. A constant reminder of the pain that accompanies all happiness.

Until I find the missing link, the piece that I believe makes me whole.

Me and the Zodiac

Over the years, my fascination with Zodiac signs has only strengthened, upsetting the common notion that such interests are usually just teenage fascination! Of course, this could also mean that I am stuck in time, which is not far from the truth either! I do wish, however, that I had carried this interest further and deeper and not just been restricted to the Linda Goodman’s brand of literature. However, even with that, I have enjoyed myself thoroughly and it’s been a highly interesting journey of revelations about others, and self.

I say self, because that’s the direction in which this interest has moved. From my energies being focused on “guessing” (with approx. 75% accuracy) other people’s zodiac signs, and then predicting their behavior etc, I have grown more and more interested in my own equations with zodiac signs, the impact that certain people have on me and patterns that develop over time.

In the past few years, some of the interesting observations I have noted are given below – the most significant element is that my relationship with a particular sign is so reflective of the behavior associated with the sign! It makes me wonder whether I am in control at all or not!

· Capris - The number of Capris I know or am friendly with are less....but I certainly get along well with them! I also have the strangest association with them as well – because they are diametrically opposite to me, but then that’s probably the root cause of the (fatal) attraction – as I keep saying, cold Capris are a perfect foil for my madness J. But seriously, I submit my soul only to the altar of the dominant Capri. – Shk, H, DB

· Aquarians – invariably the people I have an instinctive liking for in a new group. I guess that’s natural because of the kind of personalities they have. But it’s a little more too – their strong individuality combined with a sense of fun appeals to me! Another strange thing is that I know several Aquarians with the same birth dates – 23rd Jan and 4th Feb being the most common. However, the relationships are usually not that long lasting or deep (Sidh being an exception), once again a function of the sign itself I guess. – Shef, Sidh, K, Son, Vik.

· Geminis – all my life I have avoided them thanks to Dolly. And suddenly from 2003 onw, I have a plethora of G friends! And yes, there’s no pattern in my relationships with them, ranging from highly inconsistent to very stable. The only common element is – humor and conversation. – Shw, Ven, Poo, Rku, Dom

· Librans – like the sign itself, my relationships with them too are blow hot-blow cold. Sudden surges of affection or chemistry can be followed by stronger drafts of coldness or just “deadness”. But the depth of feeling is usually strong and in some cases the impact of things going wrong can be harsh. – Sid, Lord, Jassi, Vky, J

· Scorpios – intensity signifies the sign and that’s what I am attracted TO. Usually the “silent waters run deep” types, I have had plenty of the “meeting of the mind” conversations with people of this sign. The other trend here is – the relationship is either very short or very long. – D, Eug, Jyo, Meet, LC, Ar

· Arians – the proverbial dark horses are thus in my life as well. Never having top of the mind recall when I think about signs I get along best with, people belonging to this sign have had the maximum influence on my life. Some have been just catalytic in their influence, changing the entire course of my life with their words or actions while others are less direct, influencing my thoughts and actions on a day to day basis. – Amit, L, Ank, M, Nik, Aish, Ruch, Am

· Pisces, Virgos, Sagis – no patterns at all. U, Sau and Shal are the singular friends I have from these signs. I am not getting into why I don’t get along too well with these signs, that’s another (less interesting) analysis that I am unwilling to invest in!

And where are the Leos??? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

The landing

Before I knew it, the music had reached its crescendo. But somehow, it didn't feel like a dramatic renouement. Instead it was smooth. Exciting, but smooth. Tingling, but smooth. Exuberant, but smooth. The eagle, to borrow a cliche, had landed.

DB's holiday turned out to be mine too, one of the bestest ever. In so many ways that I know I would be doing an injustice to try and put them down on paper, I just dont have the talent. I can close my eyes and remember the conversations, the incidents, the expressions, the laughter, the bitching, the wonder, the drives and the walks, the silences and the words.....but no, I just dont have it in me to capture it.

But naturally, nothing is absolute. Complications, and pain, comes with the package. I can just echo what I have said on this blog (unfortunately too many times) - nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.

And I haven't really been known to take the easy routes, have I?

:)

The Mango Tree

It's been weeks since my Hampi trip and I have been meaning to record my impressions. Yet one thing after another has overtaken me and my intentions didn't get translated to paper.

But I MUST write about one of the loveliest eating places I have ever been to - The Mango Tree.

After a few hours of tiring sightseeing, we were in dire need of a GOOD (yes, in capital letters) lunch. The cab driver didn't come up with any helpful suggestions until we got the brain wave of telling him to take us to where the "foreigners" go! Then off we were, a ten minute drive into the wild, passing an ancient rock painting, finally stopping at a large wrought iron gate. Walking through the gate, we realised we were on a small hill overlooking the river. We followed a tiny path through a banana plantation (of all things) and reached a suspiciously ordinary looking restaurant called the Mango Tree.

Suspicion turned to pleasant surprise as we took off our shoes and emerged into a small clearing that housed the joint. It is basically various levels of stone seating, with chatais underneath and the trees above. Your back is to the hill and you face the river and the rocky hills opposite. There is a swing in the middle, reminding you of the hundreds of movies you have seen on rural India and there is a plastic coated menu that reminds you very much of the urban India that you now inhabit. The range of food reflects the variety of clientele they get and is quite a relief for me (as to me holiday is synonymous with good food).

But this interesting, though factual, description doesn't even begin to capture the feel of the place. One can (and I did) just sit there for hours without feeling restless or compelled to move. You can eat leisurely, ordering in batches...finally ending up sipping mint tea as you look over the river (no interesting sight, though) and generally thinking about existentialism or about your pending to-do list. You can enjoy the muted conversations of other guests who dont stare at you or invade your space despite being close by. You can read peacefully and actually read without distraction, not just flip through magazines. You can enjoy the silence of the surrounding area and not miss music at all. You can put your feet up without worrying whether they are pedicured or not and you can listen to snatches of conversation that make you smile and think. You can basically take a break from life. And get served while doing so.

The "true" love?

In a recent conversation with DB, I had spoken about how all relationships are need based. That's natural. And yet, that is also the root of its downfall. I know this is idealistic, but the truest love is that which exists for its own sake. Maybe I was echoing this sonnet which I remember having read many many years ago and which I suddenly came across today.

Sonnet XIVI

f thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not sayI love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day--For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,--A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

It's been a long, long time since I sat like this in the middle of the night, trying to capture the "whoosh" of thoughts and feelings swirling through my mind and soul.

And swirl they do, faster and faster. Both at work and outside, events are reaching a crescendo that will either peak with fulfilment or crash with disappointment. Whichever happens, the impact will be significant, sending ripples through my entire being, through my entire life; setting in motion a series of thoughts and actions that will define the pattern of my life over the next few years at least. Key words - Acn, Mer, DB.

I am scared. Honest to goodness scared. I so so want things to turn out in a certain way, but the way the music is playing, it's touch and go either way. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to feel I have compromised. I dont want to regret later. But I cant afford to want any of this. Because the music plays on....and it can go either way....I can keep wanting all I want, I can be as scared as I like. The music is ruthless even when it soothes.

and the wheels turn....

Hot coffee scalds my lips as I write this. The sun is shining and the breeze tousles my hair like a friendly lover. I am ensconced comfortably on this terrace café, in a cane chair, on plump cushions, slightly dazed after a heavy meal replete with dessert. It’s three thirty in the afternoon and all I have done till now is to wake up (at the unprecedented late hour of eleven), have tea, finish my novel, get picked up by Nkj, and indulge in a heavy lunch. And there are no specific plans for the rest of the day. And this is the third day in a row when I am doing this. To repeat the word, unprecedented. To use another word, blissful.

But things are never blissful, are they? The song playing in the background – Dire Strait’s Winds of Change – is eerily reflective of what I am thinking.

The intensely painful exchange of words with K….the sudden resurgence of V followed by the even more sudden bitter reaction…the two engaging, intelligent conversations with Shankar and Hema…the escalating quantity and quality of my interaction with DD – they have all been so unexpected, leaving me breathless with a cauldron of emotions – pain, anger, confidence, hope. There’s some pattern here, and the unexpectedness is just part of it. And it makes me certain that the tide is turning, that somewhere in the realms of the underground wheels are turning towards a direction I am as yet unaware of.

I will not try to indulge in either imaginative or intellectual forecasting, because it is of no use. Several of my previous posts indicate that I have been uncomfortably aware of these winds approaching. I am equally aware of the futility of trying to anticipate what the winds will bring or where they will take me. All I have are my basic anchors – my value system, my survivor instinct, my loved ones – and I shall go along making the best of whatever is thrown my way. And when I have reached (or rather, been taken to) some sort of destination, I will record it.