While it is not my place to decide what is sad and what is sadder, what is less painful and what is more, for me personally there is nothing more heartbreaking than the loss of a young life. I realise that I cant do much more here than recount clichés, but truly, whether it be in life or death, is there anything more de humanizing than the loss of potential?
The book I was reading on Saturday night ended with the death of the protagonist’s best friend, an eight year old girl. The entire scene and the ones leading up to it were so touchingly, simply described that I could not help breaking down. And could not help thinking about similar scenarios that I unfortunately have been part of.
My first encounter with the death of a young one was when I was 14. A younger boy who used to travel in the same school van as mine died, I don’t remember how. I remember feeling bad but not really thinking about it. Until, that is, when we passed his house the next day and saw his mother standing at the gate, sobbing and saving to the van passing by. That’s when the gaping hole hit me – between “being there” and then, suddenly, not being there.
A year later, I had just moved from Blr to Del when Dom wrote to me that Reetobhash, a classmate and a decent friend, had cancer. A few months later, he told me, in a tearful letter, that he had died. This time the sense of loss was more personal, more real. Again, a sense of wonderment – I had just left him a few months ago, and how he just didn’t exist anymore.
The next again, it was news of a friend in another city. This time it was Deepti, and I was in Del. I had been with her through some pretty tough times, with her bf and her parents. She had been a messed up kid but her life was finally back on track. And yet it was not be. Possibly due to her ex’s machinations, she died a sudden, painful death. A smart, pretty, fun loving girl – the flame was wiped out in seconds, leaving her loved ones devastated.
The same year, it was another death that rocked me – Ashu. We are still not sure how it happened, though it seems pretty certain it could have been murder. But that’s not important. What’s important is that he was mad in love, and mad is the right word. And despite the cautionings of well wishers like Mum, he hurtled down the mad path of love, till tragedy struck. This was someone I had grown up with, been intimate with, relied upon, fought with. He had his whole life in front of him – he was a kind, street smart, funny, crazy boy and he deserved his life. At the sight of his body, I experienced a near loss of control, a sense which I hope I shall not feel soon again.
And so it has been. Recently too, the incident regarding Prateek (Ank’s flatmate) and his death (dengue, for god’s sake!!!!) again shook me – a young guy with a tragic life behind me, starting out a afresh. And now LC’s friend’s daughter’s death – once again, a medical complication gone bad. And whoosh – a 21 year old life snuffed out.
I cry; for a moment, I imagine myself in the shoes of the parents and their grief stricken lives ahead. As I said, I cant be presumptuous enough to declare that any other kind of grief is any lesser. But there is a sadness to these deaths that strikes right at the middle of my stupid, cynical, tired heart.
And last night, those moments were very, very, very sad.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Pagalpan and peace
A few weeks ago I was going through some archives in this blog and realized that a significant change, amongst others, was the increasing frequency of posts around specific themes as opposed to generic updates when I started blogging! I guess its something to do with the fact that I refined my writing to a point where I wrote only when I felt I had something really substantial to share with myself.
Anyway, today I just want to take a quick snapshot of my life, especially this month!
More than anything else, its been mentally exhausting (there I go with my theme again!). But seriously, this month I have been thinking on all fronts possible!
Despite claiming to be completely switched off at work, I am still affected by the issues here, whether it be my business or my team. After all, I have been associated with both for so long and its certainly not possible to just detach myself and move on. Hence, concentrated thought has gone into team’s individual issues and points around coaching, development, promotions, transition and so on. More than thought, heartburn actually! At the fact that potential has still not been realized and long term growth is still not being taken into account. Mixed with the heartburn is some degree of guilt, because after all I am the supervisor and hence responsible. Maybe I haven’t done enough?? More thought, more introspection.
Similarly issues in the business continue to affect me – attrition, leadership, new initiatives, blah blah blah. This is not just thought but extensive meetings/discussions around these areas where I have been forced to think and articulate and in some cases, commit. More than the team, it is this area that has also caused some degree of emotional exhaustion because this is my baby that is being discussed and planned for. Its part of me.
Which is why the ongoing transition is critical to me – to ensure there are no slippages, no discontinuities and maybe, somewhere, I leave a legacy that’s remembered. Sigh.
Speaking of parts, there’s a new part of me which has surfaced which I never knew existed, a very demonstrative part. Forget about others who have known me for a long time, even I get slightly freaked out when I think about it or observe it from a distance. But then, why should I think or observe? When I am “in” it, I am perfectly comfortable and feel perfectly natural. Which is why I don’t say I have changed, its just that a part has come out with a catalyst called DB. Dealing with it, of course, has taken time, and yes, that’s part of the mental exhaustion thingy.
This also seems to be the time of the year for practically everyone to face upheavals/changes in their lives – Dolly, Sau, Ven, Nik, Rku, Ank, Arj, Mum, U, Dar – the past 3 weeks have had in depth conversations with ALL of them! And I constantly feel guilty about the ones who I know are going through a lot but haven’t reached out to me and so have not got attention – Shal, Shk, Betu. In addition, I am not practicing what I preach – that just because someone hasn’t got issues doesn’t mean they get neglected – Hin, Jas, L, Shw etc etc etc. All these above thoughts have been occupying a significant amount of mindspace.
Not that I have completely recovered from the emotional rigors of the previous few weeks - job, K, Mum etc etc. Every now and then, there's the sudden knot in stomach, a rush of recent memory drawing me into momentary pain and confusion.
Plans for the future – next 1 month, next 3 months, and next 1 year – are another focus area (yuck yuck yuck, I am fed up of my language!). First, Dec – trips to Bbay, Kerala, Hyd and Delhi – all in a space of 1 month!!!!!!!!!! Then the onsite thing –how, when and for how long….god knows. Then the next year – I need to make some decisions here, am just thinking the ratio of heart/mind that I should use. Or maybe I should use my basic principle – using the heart as a decision making tool is ultimately using the mind!!!
Thankfully, all this “thinking” - past, present and future - has ensured that I haven’t “felt” too much, especially the feelings of the negative variety!
Considering that the thinking is soon going to be accompanied by hectic physical activity as well, I hope that the emotional roller coaster is stable enough and doesn’t start moving too fast!!!!! Else I am surely headed for a breakdown.
Which will bring me back to one of the recurring themes of this blog! Ha! Ha! Ha!
But yes, in the middle of this constant "exhaustion", there's peace.
The morning sms and the night chat, the sense of peace and love.
The tea, the laughter, the bitching, the comfort.
The online chat with Mum, the connect, the familiarity, the depth.
The drive home, the clarity, the space, the music.
Its these crucial moments that make my day.
Anyway, today I just want to take a quick snapshot of my life, especially this month!
More than anything else, its been mentally exhausting (there I go with my theme again!). But seriously, this month I have been thinking on all fronts possible!
Despite claiming to be completely switched off at work, I am still affected by the issues here, whether it be my business or my team. After all, I have been associated with both for so long and its certainly not possible to just detach myself and move on. Hence, concentrated thought has gone into team’s individual issues and points around coaching, development, promotions, transition and so on. More than thought, heartburn actually! At the fact that potential has still not been realized and long term growth is still not being taken into account. Mixed with the heartburn is some degree of guilt, because after all I am the supervisor and hence responsible. Maybe I haven’t done enough?? More thought, more introspection.
Similarly issues in the business continue to affect me – attrition, leadership, new initiatives, blah blah blah. This is not just thought but extensive meetings/discussions around these areas where I have been forced to think and articulate and in some cases, commit. More than the team, it is this area that has also caused some degree of emotional exhaustion because this is my baby that is being discussed and planned for. Its part of me.
Which is why the ongoing transition is critical to me – to ensure there are no slippages, no discontinuities and maybe, somewhere, I leave a legacy that’s remembered. Sigh.
Speaking of parts, there’s a new part of me which has surfaced which I never knew existed, a very demonstrative part. Forget about others who have known me for a long time, even I get slightly freaked out when I think about it or observe it from a distance. But then, why should I think or observe? When I am “in” it, I am perfectly comfortable and feel perfectly natural. Which is why I don’t say I have changed, its just that a part has come out with a catalyst called DB. Dealing with it, of course, has taken time, and yes, that’s part of the mental exhaustion thingy.
This also seems to be the time of the year for practically everyone to face upheavals/changes in their lives – Dolly, Sau, Ven, Nik, Rku, Ank, Arj, Mum, U, Dar – the past 3 weeks have had in depth conversations with ALL of them! And I constantly feel guilty about the ones who I know are going through a lot but haven’t reached out to me and so have not got attention – Shal, Shk, Betu. In addition, I am not practicing what I preach – that just because someone hasn’t got issues doesn’t mean they get neglected – Hin, Jas, L, Shw etc etc etc. All these above thoughts have been occupying a significant amount of mindspace.
Not that I have completely recovered from the emotional rigors of the previous few weeks - job, K, Mum etc etc. Every now and then, there's the sudden knot in stomach, a rush of recent memory drawing me into momentary pain and confusion.
Plans for the future – next 1 month, next 3 months, and next 1 year – are another focus area (yuck yuck yuck, I am fed up of my language!). First, Dec – trips to Bbay, Kerala, Hyd and Delhi – all in a space of 1 month!!!!!!!!!! Then the onsite thing –how, when and for how long….god knows. Then the next year – I need to make some decisions here, am just thinking the ratio of heart/mind that I should use. Or maybe I should use my basic principle – using the heart as a decision making tool is ultimately using the mind!!!
Thankfully, all this “thinking” - past, present and future - has ensured that I haven’t “felt” too much, especially the feelings of the negative variety!
Considering that the thinking is soon going to be accompanied by hectic physical activity as well, I hope that the emotional roller coaster is stable enough and doesn’t start moving too fast!!!!! Else I am surely headed for a breakdown.
Which will bring me back to one of the recurring themes of this blog! Ha! Ha! Ha!
But yes, in the middle of this constant "exhaustion", there's peace.
The morning sms and the night chat, the sense of peace and love.
The tea, the laughter, the bitching, the comfort.
The online chat with Mum, the connect, the familiarity, the depth.
The drive home, the clarity, the space, the music.
Its these crucial moments that make my day.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Another visit to my fantasy
Unusual positions, innovative environments and experimental foods aside, one area of so-called "fantasy" for me has been Bombay.
I maintain that this city calls out to me. The largeness/anonymity feel, the energy and the bustle, the contrasts, the studied attitudes, the worship of consumerism, the recognition of night as part of day, the presence of the sea and hence things to do - it resonates with me.
Others maintain its my fantasy. That I love Bbay because I view it as the ideal vacation place, that I dont know the realities of living there. That I belong to Blr and Bombay will "suck my soul" and leave me unhappy and drained.
I submit that both the realities above, contrasting as they might be, are equally real. First of all, cant fantasies become reality? And reality need not always turn out pleasant, right? Isnt taking risk a part of life?
I continue to be attracted to the idea of moving there, even if as an experiment. Recent events make me feel that destiny is finally giving me a push in a direction which, it realises, I havent been in for fear of moving out of comfort zones.
Is it time?
p.s. I had a lovely, lovely weekend in Bbay, hence the post.
I maintain that this city calls out to me. The largeness/anonymity feel, the energy and the bustle, the contrasts, the studied attitudes, the worship of consumerism, the recognition of night as part of day, the presence of the sea and hence things to do - it resonates with me.
Others maintain its my fantasy. That I love Bbay because I view it as the ideal vacation place, that I dont know the realities of living there. That I belong to Blr and Bombay will "suck my soul" and leave me unhappy and drained.
I submit that both the realities above, contrasting as they might be, are equally real. First of all, cant fantasies become reality? And reality need not always turn out pleasant, right? Isnt taking risk a part of life?
I continue to be attracted to the idea of moving there, even if as an experiment. Recent events make me feel that destiny is finally giving me a push in a direction which, it realises, I havent been in for fear of moving out of comfort zones.
Is it time?
p.s. I had a lovely, lovely weekend in Bbay, hence the post.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Missing a part of myself...
The rumbunctious sounds of the Don soundtrack fill the room....I have just come back from a pleasant, activity laden afternoon with U...am looking forward to drinks n dinner with Nik...have got a book I cant wait to get my teeth into.
And yet, all the while, I carry this ache around with me, a small piece of me that remains empty, yearning for the missing link that will make it whole.
Unfortunately, my life across the cities of Del-Blr-Chn-Dhk (and now Bom) has ensured that I am uncomfortably familiar with this feeling. Its the feeling of being torn, of wanting to be in two places at once....its the feeling that first makes me want to hate life and what it does to me and ends up making me want to hate myself for what I am and why I let life do this to me. Its a sweet feeling for all the nice memories it brings to me and its incredibly sad when it reminds me of what I am missing. It tickles me alive all over when it strikes all of a sudden and leaves me dead when it gets defeated and recedes.
Its the feeling I had guarded against for so long and had even pretended to forget it existed. But its back now, and I can no more pretend it doesn't exist than I can that I myself dont. Like the one I love, this feeling too is a part of me. A constant reminder of the pain that accompanies all happiness.
Until I find the missing link, the piece that I believe makes me whole.
And yet, all the while, I carry this ache around with me, a small piece of me that remains empty, yearning for the missing link that will make it whole.
Unfortunately, my life across the cities of Del-Blr-Chn-Dhk (and now Bom) has ensured that I am uncomfortably familiar with this feeling. Its the feeling of being torn, of wanting to be in two places at once....its the feeling that first makes me want to hate life and what it does to me and ends up making me want to hate myself for what I am and why I let life do this to me. Its a sweet feeling for all the nice memories it brings to me and its incredibly sad when it reminds me of what I am missing. It tickles me alive all over when it strikes all of a sudden and leaves me dead when it gets defeated and recedes.
Its the feeling I had guarded against for so long and had even pretended to forget it existed. But its back now, and I can no more pretend it doesn't exist than I can that I myself dont. Like the one I love, this feeling too is a part of me. A constant reminder of the pain that accompanies all happiness.
Until I find the missing link, the piece that I believe makes me whole.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Me and the Zodiac
Over the years, my fascination with Zodiac signs has only strengthened, upsetting the common notion that such interests are usually just teenage fascination! Of course, this could also mean that I am stuck in time, which is not far from the truth either! I do wish, however, that I had carried this interest further and deeper and not just been restricted to the Linda Goodman’s brand of literature. However, even with that, I have enjoyed myself thoroughly and it’s been a highly interesting journey of revelations about others, and self.
I say self, because that’s the direction in which this interest has moved. From my energies being focused on “guessing” (with approx. 75% accuracy) other people’s zodiac signs, and then predicting their behavior etc, I have grown more and more interested in my own equations with zodiac signs, the impact that certain people have on me and patterns that develop over time.
In the past few years, some of the interesting observations I have noted are given below – the most significant element is that my relationship with a particular sign is so reflective of the behavior associated with the sign! It makes me wonder whether I am in control at all or not!
· Capris - The number of Capris I know or am friendly with are less....but I certainly get along well with them! I also have the strangest association with them as well – because they are diametrically opposite to me, but then that’s probably the root cause of the (fatal) attraction – as I keep saying, cold Capris are a perfect foil for my madness J. But seriously, I submit my soul only to the altar of the dominant Capri. – Shk, H, DB
· Aquarians – invariably the people I have an instinctive liking for in a new group. I guess that’s natural because of the kind of personalities they have. But it’s a little more too – their strong individuality combined with a sense of fun appeals to me! Another strange thing is that I know several Aquarians with the same birth dates – 23rd Jan and 4th Feb being the most common. However, the relationships are usually not that long lasting or deep (Sidh being an exception), once again a function of the sign itself I guess. – Shef, Sidh, K, Son, Vik.
· Geminis – all my life I have avoided them thanks to Dolly. And suddenly from 2003 onw, I have a plethora of G friends! And yes, there’s no pattern in my relationships with them, ranging from highly inconsistent to very stable. The only common element is – humor and conversation. – Shw, Ven, Poo, Rku, Dom
· Librans – like the sign itself, my relationships with them too are blow hot-blow cold. Sudden surges of affection or chemistry can be followed by stronger drafts of coldness or just “deadness”. But the depth of feeling is usually strong and in some cases the impact of things going wrong can be harsh. – Sid, Lord, Jassi, Vky, J
· Scorpios – intensity signifies the sign and that’s what I am attracted TO. Usually the “silent waters run deep” types, I have had plenty of the “meeting of the mind” conversations with people of this sign. The other trend here is – the relationship is either very short or very long. – D, Eug, Jyo, Meet, LC, Ar
· Arians – the proverbial dark horses are thus in my life as well. Never having top of the mind recall when I think about signs I get along best with, people belonging to this sign have had the maximum influence on my life. Some have been just catalytic in their influence, changing the entire course of my life with their words or actions while others are less direct, influencing my thoughts and actions on a day to day basis. – Amit, L, Ank, M, Nik, Aish, Ruch, Am
· Pisces, Virgos, Sagis – no patterns at all. U, Sau and Shal are the singular friends I have from these signs. I am not getting into why I don’t get along too well with these signs, that’s another (less interesting) analysis that I am unwilling to invest in!
And where are the Leos??? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!
I say self, because that’s the direction in which this interest has moved. From my energies being focused on “guessing” (with approx. 75% accuracy) other people’s zodiac signs, and then predicting their behavior etc, I have grown more and more interested in my own equations with zodiac signs, the impact that certain people have on me and patterns that develop over time.
In the past few years, some of the interesting observations I have noted are given below – the most significant element is that my relationship with a particular sign is so reflective of the behavior associated with the sign! It makes me wonder whether I am in control at all or not!
· Capris - The number of Capris I know or am friendly with are less....but I certainly get along well with them! I also have the strangest association with them as well – because they are diametrically opposite to me, but then that’s probably the root cause of the (fatal) attraction – as I keep saying, cold Capris are a perfect foil for my madness J. But seriously, I submit my soul only to the altar of the dominant Capri. – Shk, H, DB
· Aquarians – invariably the people I have an instinctive liking for in a new group. I guess that’s natural because of the kind of personalities they have. But it’s a little more too – their strong individuality combined with a sense of fun appeals to me! Another strange thing is that I know several Aquarians with the same birth dates – 23rd Jan and 4th Feb being the most common. However, the relationships are usually not that long lasting or deep (Sidh being an exception), once again a function of the sign itself I guess. – Shef, Sidh, K, Son, Vik.
· Geminis – all my life I have avoided them thanks to Dolly. And suddenly from 2003 onw, I have a plethora of G friends! And yes, there’s no pattern in my relationships with them, ranging from highly inconsistent to very stable. The only common element is – humor and conversation. – Shw, Ven, Poo, Rku, Dom
· Librans – like the sign itself, my relationships with them too are blow hot-blow cold. Sudden surges of affection or chemistry can be followed by stronger drafts of coldness or just “deadness”. But the depth of feeling is usually strong and in some cases the impact of things going wrong can be harsh. – Sid, Lord, Jassi, Vky, J
· Scorpios – intensity signifies the sign and that’s what I am attracted TO. Usually the “silent waters run deep” types, I have had plenty of the “meeting of the mind” conversations with people of this sign. The other trend here is – the relationship is either very short or very long. – D, Eug, Jyo, Meet, LC, Ar
· Arians – the proverbial dark horses are thus in my life as well. Never having top of the mind recall when I think about signs I get along best with, people belonging to this sign have had the maximum influence on my life. Some have been just catalytic in their influence, changing the entire course of my life with their words or actions while others are less direct, influencing my thoughts and actions on a day to day basis. – Amit, L, Ank, M, Nik, Aish, Ruch, Am
· Pisces, Virgos, Sagis – no patterns at all. U, Sau and Shal are the singular friends I have from these signs. I am not getting into why I don’t get along too well with these signs, that’s another (less interesting) analysis that I am unwilling to invest in!
And where are the Leos??? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!
Monday, November 06, 2006
The landing
Before I knew it, the music had reached its crescendo. But somehow, it didn't feel like a dramatic renouement. Instead it was smooth. Exciting, but smooth. Tingling, but smooth. Exuberant, but smooth. The eagle, to borrow a cliche, had landed.
DB's holiday turned out to be mine too, one of the bestest ever. In so many ways that I know I would be doing an injustice to try and put them down on paper, I just dont have the talent. I can close my eyes and remember the conversations, the incidents, the expressions, the laughter, the bitching, the wonder, the drives and the walks, the silences and the words.....but no, I just dont have it in me to capture it.
But naturally, nothing is absolute. Complications, and pain, comes with the package. I can just echo what I have said on this blog (unfortunately too many times) - nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.
And I haven't really been known to take the easy routes, have I?
:)
DB's holiday turned out to be mine too, one of the bestest ever. In so many ways that I know I would be doing an injustice to try and put them down on paper, I just dont have the talent. I can close my eyes and remember the conversations, the incidents, the expressions, the laughter, the bitching, the wonder, the drives and the walks, the silences and the words.....but no, I just dont have it in me to capture it.
But naturally, nothing is absolute. Complications, and pain, comes with the package. I can just echo what I have said on this blog (unfortunately too many times) - nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.
And I haven't really been known to take the easy routes, have I?
:)
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
The Mango Tree
It's been weeks since my Hampi trip and I have been meaning to record my impressions. Yet one thing after another has overtaken me and my intentions didn't get translated to paper.
But I MUST write about one of the loveliest eating places I have ever been to - The Mango Tree.
After a few hours of tiring sightseeing, we were in dire need of a GOOD (yes, in capital letters) lunch. The cab driver didn't come up with any helpful suggestions until we got the brain wave of telling him to take us to where the "foreigners" go! Then off we were, a ten minute drive into the wild, passing an ancient rock painting, finally stopping at a large wrought iron gate. Walking through the gate, we realised we were on a small hill overlooking the river. We followed a tiny path through a banana plantation (of all things) and reached a suspiciously ordinary looking restaurant called the Mango Tree.
Suspicion turned to pleasant surprise as we took off our shoes and emerged into a small clearing that housed the joint. It is basically various levels of stone seating, with chatais underneath and the trees above. Your back is to the hill and you face the river and the rocky hills opposite. There is a swing in the middle, reminding you of the hundreds of movies you have seen on rural India and there is a plastic coated menu that reminds you very much of the urban India that you now inhabit. The range of food reflects the variety of clientele they get and is quite a relief for me (as to me holiday is synonymous with good food).
But this interesting, though factual, description doesn't even begin to capture the feel of the place. One can (and I did) just sit there for hours without feeling restless or compelled to move. You can eat leisurely, ordering in batches...finally ending up sipping mint tea as you look over the river (no interesting sight, though) and generally thinking about existentialism or about your pending to-do list. You can enjoy the muted conversations of other guests who dont stare at you or invade your space despite being close by. You can read peacefully and actually read without distraction, not just flip through magazines. You can enjoy the silence of the surrounding area and not miss music at all. You can put your feet up without worrying whether they are pedicured or not and you can listen to snatches of conversation that make you smile and think. You can basically take a break from life. And get served while doing so.
But I MUST write about one of the loveliest eating places I have ever been to - The Mango Tree.
After a few hours of tiring sightseeing, we were in dire need of a GOOD (yes, in capital letters) lunch. The cab driver didn't come up with any helpful suggestions until we got the brain wave of telling him to take us to where the "foreigners" go! Then off we were, a ten minute drive into the wild, passing an ancient rock painting, finally stopping at a large wrought iron gate. Walking through the gate, we realised we were on a small hill overlooking the river. We followed a tiny path through a banana plantation (of all things) and reached a suspiciously ordinary looking restaurant called the Mango Tree.
Suspicion turned to pleasant surprise as we took off our shoes and emerged into a small clearing that housed the joint. It is basically various levels of stone seating, with chatais underneath and the trees above. Your back is to the hill and you face the river and the rocky hills opposite. There is a swing in the middle, reminding you of the hundreds of movies you have seen on rural India and there is a plastic coated menu that reminds you very much of the urban India that you now inhabit. The range of food reflects the variety of clientele they get and is quite a relief for me (as to me holiday is synonymous with good food).
But this interesting, though factual, description doesn't even begin to capture the feel of the place. One can (and I did) just sit there for hours without feeling restless or compelled to move. You can eat leisurely, ordering in batches...finally ending up sipping mint tea as you look over the river (no interesting sight, though) and generally thinking about existentialism or about your pending to-do list. You can enjoy the muted conversations of other guests who dont stare at you or invade your space despite being close by. You can read peacefully and actually read without distraction, not just flip through magazines. You can enjoy the silence of the surrounding area and not miss music at all. You can put your feet up without worrying whether they are pedicured or not and you can listen to snatches of conversation that make you smile and think. You can basically take a break from life. And get served while doing so.
The "true" love?
In a recent conversation with DB, I had spoken about how all relationships are need based. That's natural. And yet, that is also the root of its downfall. I know this is idealistic, but the truest love is that which exists for its own sake. Maybe I was echoing this sonnet which I remember having read many many years ago and which I suddenly came across today.
Sonnet XIVI
f thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not sayI love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day--For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,--A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Sonnet XIVI
f thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not sayI love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day--For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,--A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Saturday, October 14, 2006
It's been a long, long time since I sat like this in the middle of the night, trying to capture the "whoosh" of thoughts and feelings swirling through my mind and soul.
And swirl they do, faster and faster. Both at work and outside, events are reaching a crescendo that will either peak with fulfilment or crash with disappointment. Whichever happens, the impact will be significant, sending ripples through my entire being, through my entire life; setting in motion a series of thoughts and actions that will define the pattern of my life over the next few years at least. Key words - Acn, Mer, DB.
I am scared. Honest to goodness scared. I so so want things to turn out in a certain way, but the way the music is playing, it's touch and go either way. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to feel I have compromised. I dont want to regret later. But I cant afford to want any of this. Because the music plays on....and it can go either way....I can keep wanting all I want, I can be as scared as I like. The music is ruthless even when it soothes.
And swirl they do, faster and faster. Both at work and outside, events are reaching a crescendo that will either peak with fulfilment or crash with disappointment. Whichever happens, the impact will be significant, sending ripples through my entire being, through my entire life; setting in motion a series of thoughts and actions that will define the pattern of my life over the next few years at least. Key words - Acn, Mer, DB.
I am scared. Honest to goodness scared. I so so want things to turn out in a certain way, but the way the music is playing, it's touch and go either way. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to feel I have compromised. I dont want to regret later. But I cant afford to want any of this. Because the music plays on....and it can go either way....I can keep wanting all I want, I can be as scared as I like. The music is ruthless even when it soothes.
Monday, October 02, 2006
and the wheels turn....
Hot coffee scalds my lips as I write this. The sun is shining and the breeze tousles my hair like a friendly lover. I am ensconced comfortably on this terrace café, in a cane chair, on plump cushions, slightly dazed after a heavy meal replete with dessert. It’s three thirty in the afternoon and all I have done till now is to wake up (at the unprecedented late hour of eleven), have tea, finish my novel, get picked up by Nkj, and indulge in a heavy lunch. And there are no specific plans for the rest of the day. And this is the third day in a row when I am doing this. To repeat the word, unprecedented. To use another word, blissful.
But things are never blissful, are they? The song playing in the background – Dire Strait’s Winds of Change – is eerily reflective of what I am thinking.
The intensely painful exchange of words with K….the sudden resurgence of V followed by the even more sudden bitter reaction…the two engaging, intelligent conversations with Shankar and Hema…the escalating quantity and quality of my interaction with DD – they have all been so unexpected, leaving me breathless with a cauldron of emotions – pain, anger, confidence, hope. There’s some pattern here, and the unexpectedness is just part of it. And it makes me certain that the tide is turning, that somewhere in the realms of the underground wheels are turning towards a direction I am as yet unaware of.
I will not try to indulge in either imaginative or intellectual forecasting, because it is of no use. Several of my previous posts indicate that I have been uncomfortably aware of these winds approaching. I am equally aware of the futility of trying to anticipate what the winds will bring or where they will take me. All I have are my basic anchors – my value system, my survivor instinct, my loved ones – and I shall go along making the best of whatever is thrown my way. And when I have reached (or rather, been taken to) some sort of destination, I will record it.
But things are never blissful, are they? The song playing in the background – Dire Strait’s Winds of Change – is eerily reflective of what I am thinking.
The intensely painful exchange of words with K….the sudden resurgence of V followed by the even more sudden bitter reaction…the two engaging, intelligent conversations with Shankar and Hema…the escalating quantity and quality of my interaction with DD – they have all been so unexpected, leaving me breathless with a cauldron of emotions – pain, anger, confidence, hope. There’s some pattern here, and the unexpectedness is just part of it. And it makes me certain that the tide is turning, that somewhere in the realms of the underground wheels are turning towards a direction I am as yet unaware of.
I will not try to indulge in either imaginative or intellectual forecasting, because it is of no use. Several of my previous posts indicate that I have been uncomfortably aware of these winds approaching. I am equally aware of the futility of trying to anticipate what the winds will bring or where they will take me. All I have are my basic anchors – my value system, my survivor instinct, my loved ones – and I shall go along making the best of whatever is thrown my way. And when I have reached (or rather, been taken to) some sort of destination, I will record it.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Pleasure trip
Weekend reading -
> The Know it All - an explosion of thoughts and information (both pretty much useless most of the time!) delivered in a series of succint paragraphs and pages that make you rock with laughter and caustically raise your brows in an equal measure. The book is essentially the author's (he is an Esquire editor, to make it even more surreal) journey through the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (did I spell that right?) and the totally lateral thinking he indulges in while doing so. The best thing about this book is that its extremely readable but not gripping as it's not in a "story" form. Hence, its become my coffee shop book - I carry it around in my car and pick it up for reading whenever I go for my regular coffee/tea outings (as I will tonight....its raining and so peaceful)
> Diplomatic Baggage - as hilarious as the book above, but as addictive as QAF! - "where does she go next?" "what happened to her next?" - these questions have driven me to read this book every night for the past five days and hence sleep much later than usual. The book is written by an EC diplomat's wife and is an account of her travels with him. What makes it more than just "funny", are the highly compassionate approach to all situations as well as the vicarious sense of pleasure one gets through a travel book!
Weekend outings -
> Opus - after a horrendously boring alumni dinner/presentation, going to Opus was like stumbling on to an Oasis. I dont know if it was the fact that I was near boredom-death when I reached there, but the place positively sparkled this Saturday! All elements converged somehow - the grey crouds against the palm trees, the twinkling lights in the hatch roof, the DJ belting out Boney M tunes, the purrfect Mojito, the good company (H). What sets this place apart from all other Blr joints is the unpredictability of the entertainment it has to offer. At the same time, it has the that beautiful aspect to it which is common to all good places here - the complete democracy in its clientele, a complete lack of homegeneity. I saw pierced-eyebrow-youngsters next to button-down-yuppies next to long-skirt-aunties, all shaking their booty to Grease Lightning! Loved it.
Weekend movies -
> Dor - to be honest, my first reaction to this movie is "its such a radical departure from Nagesh Kukunoor's style, I am sure he has got someone to ghost direct it". Having said that (not that I am not a fan of his style of movies, I am), this movie is one of the most surprising in a lot of other ways too - the sheer simplicity of its storytelling (I felt I was reading a well written novel), the evocative music, the fine performances, the sheer strength of its message. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it has suitably compensated for my recent disappointments.
> The Know it All - an explosion of thoughts and information (both pretty much useless most of the time!) delivered in a series of succint paragraphs and pages that make you rock with laughter and caustically raise your brows in an equal measure. The book is essentially the author's (he is an Esquire editor, to make it even more surreal) journey through the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (did I spell that right?) and the totally lateral thinking he indulges in while doing so. The best thing about this book is that its extremely readable but not gripping as it's not in a "story" form. Hence, its become my coffee shop book - I carry it around in my car and pick it up for reading whenever I go for my regular coffee/tea outings (as I will tonight....its raining and so peaceful)
> Diplomatic Baggage - as hilarious as the book above, but as addictive as QAF! - "where does she go next?" "what happened to her next?" - these questions have driven me to read this book every night for the past five days and hence sleep much later than usual. The book is written by an EC diplomat's wife and is an account of her travels with him. What makes it more than just "funny", are the highly compassionate approach to all situations as well as the vicarious sense of pleasure one gets through a travel book!
Weekend outings -
> Opus - after a horrendously boring alumni dinner/presentation, going to Opus was like stumbling on to an Oasis. I dont know if it was the fact that I was near boredom-death when I reached there, but the place positively sparkled this Saturday! All elements converged somehow - the grey crouds against the palm trees, the twinkling lights in the hatch roof, the DJ belting out Boney M tunes, the purrfect Mojito, the good company (H). What sets this place apart from all other Blr joints is the unpredictability of the entertainment it has to offer. At the same time, it has the that beautiful aspect to it which is common to all good places here - the complete democracy in its clientele, a complete lack of homegeneity. I saw pierced-eyebrow-youngsters next to button-down-yuppies next to long-skirt-aunties, all shaking their booty to Grease Lightning! Loved it.
Weekend movies -
> Dor - to be honest, my first reaction to this movie is "its such a radical departure from Nagesh Kukunoor's style, I am sure he has got someone to ghost direct it". Having said that (not that I am not a fan of his style of movies, I am), this movie is one of the most surprising in a lot of other ways too - the sheer simplicity of its storytelling (I felt I was reading a well written novel), the evocative music, the fine performances, the sheer strength of its message. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it has suitably compensated for my recent disappointments.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Thinking - pause.
The more I think, the more negative the spiral. I don’t know why that should be so…in the past, thinking has often been my route to appreciate the world around me, the people, their characters, their achievements; it been my way of imbibing the impact of the arts, of examining and evolving myself.
For the past few weeks however, thinking has led me to get morose, regretful and much worse, disillusioned and disappointed. A significant contributor to this state of mind is the games that people play, an often recurring observation through the years. Usually they arouse in me amusement and fascination – the lies that people concoct about themselves, the way they use one emotion as an excuse for another, the multiple levels at which they lead their lives, the subversive tactics they employ even on their loved ones to get what they want, the twist that conventional philosophies are given to justify their own lies (e.g.” life is short so live it fully”, translated to “I will do whatever I want, at whatever cost, because life is short and I want to live it fully”!!!). But this amusement/fascination was probably the reaction from my arrogant ivory tower, which was earlier peopled with those I had carefully filtered, sifted through and developed as “close ones” who I “liked and respected”. Thanks to my changing behavior patterns over the years, today my circle is not just about these people…others are now directly touching my life too. And so do their games. And the snob that I am, it irks me, never mind that it’s my own doing.
So today I am caught somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to be cynical – that’s not me, and that’s not where I want to go either. But I don’t dare hope, because that hope is invariably crushed by disappointment.
Switching off is not a solution. As I have seen earlier, switching off did eliminate some of these negatives from my life but affected the positives too. And that’s a risk I am just not willing to take…life is too short and too unpredictable to take these positives for granted. (in positives, I include my relationships that are my anchor as well as my own essence, which is growth oriented and positive)
So what I probably need to do is some reverse filtering. It won’t be very painful because, quite logically, as the breadth of my acquaintance has widened, the depth has decreased. But it will be highly inconvenient, because I would need to give up on a way of life – actions, events, interactions – which I had enjoyed and gotten used to. It will also be cumbersome, taking up effort and mind space during a period when I need my energies and focus more than ever. But it’s something that I need to do, so I will do it.
For the past few weeks however, thinking has led me to get morose, regretful and much worse, disillusioned and disappointed. A significant contributor to this state of mind is the games that people play, an often recurring observation through the years. Usually they arouse in me amusement and fascination – the lies that people concoct about themselves, the way they use one emotion as an excuse for another, the multiple levels at which they lead their lives, the subversive tactics they employ even on their loved ones to get what they want, the twist that conventional philosophies are given to justify their own lies (e.g.” life is short so live it fully”, translated to “I will do whatever I want, at whatever cost, because life is short and I want to live it fully”!!!). But this amusement/fascination was probably the reaction from my arrogant ivory tower, which was earlier peopled with those I had carefully filtered, sifted through and developed as “close ones” who I “liked and respected”. Thanks to my changing behavior patterns over the years, today my circle is not just about these people…others are now directly touching my life too. And so do their games. And the snob that I am, it irks me, never mind that it’s my own doing.
So today I am caught somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to be cynical – that’s not me, and that’s not where I want to go either. But I don’t dare hope, because that hope is invariably crushed by disappointment.
Switching off is not a solution. As I have seen earlier, switching off did eliminate some of these negatives from my life but affected the positives too. And that’s a risk I am just not willing to take…life is too short and too unpredictable to take these positives for granted. (in positives, I include my relationships that are my anchor as well as my own essence, which is growth oriented and positive)
So what I probably need to do is some reverse filtering. It won’t be very painful because, quite logically, as the breadth of my acquaintance has widened, the depth has decreased. But it will be highly inconvenient, because I would need to give up on a way of life – actions, events, interactions – which I had enjoyed and gotten used to. It will also be cumbersome, taking up effort and mind space during a period when I need my energies and focus more than ever. But it’s something that I need to do, so I will do it.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Back on...
Yes its been ten days since I returned from Delhi and I have not yet been able to post anything. Writing even in its most superfluous forms is demanding and one of its foremost demands is for you to open your mind, if not your heart, to the power of the pen. And that’s something that I could not bring myself to. Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel so strongly that something burnt inside; I didn’t want to think so hard that all energy got sapped out of me. I didn’t want to look at areas I was already uncomfortably familiar with and I didn’t want to visit places that I knew didn’t agree with me.
In some strange, ironic way, I seem to have found that release today, 20th Sep, exactly a year from that day. Maybe it’s some perverse sub conscious way of paying homage to the person whose company made me feel comfortable and secure and free. Or maybe it’s because daily affairs have consumed me to such an extent that anything deeper doesn’t seem to matter anymore. But the end result is that I am at least writing again.
I just saw Bas Ek Pal, a movie I had been looking forward to as its director had previously made My Brother Nikhil, one of my all time favorites. I was quite disappointed but I would not like to blame my high expectations for that. Despite an extremely interesting storyline and good performers, the director was just not able to craft it all together into an engaging movie.
But I also realize that, as a very rare occurrence, my current state of mind and mood has also influenced my reaction to the movie. To be very honest, as I grapple with my grief and anger and regret and loss, and the knowledge that I have been grappling with these and will continue to do so for a long time, I find myself more and more unable to bear the cast of loser characters in the movie. I realize it’s an unfair comparison and I will probably change my mind tomorrow, but as of now, I just feel irritation at people who are not content with the pain that life throws at us anyway, and allow their weaknesses to actually create pain where none could have been allowed to exist…how stupid!!! (the reason I say this logic is unfair is because pain created from any source is still painful, and that realization is the basis for compassion)
Off the cuff, I have recently seen some other movies too which had more or less a similar set of characters – KANK, Closer, Match Point. Each movie was cynical (as opposed to compassionate) in its view of human folly, each movie touched unerringly on the inherent ruthlessness and selfishness that seems to increase in direct proportion to the weakness in our character. People use people. People just use love as an excuse to be ruthless. Love rarely exists. And when it does, it’s marred immediately by infidel or unjust acts that destroy the purity it should ideally represent.
This irritation carries over (or maybe is a carry over from) into my personal life as well. I am tired of being “balanced” in my perspective, “holistic” in my judgment, “detached” in my view…or to put it plainly - I am tired of making excuses for people. I genuinely love people and I genuinely love relationships. I want to like people wholeheartedly. And I want to respect people wholeheartedly. This is not an unrealistic expectation. It’s just tough and requires discipline and effort. But then, everything that’s worthwhile does. The easy way is for the losers anyway.
In some strange, ironic way, I seem to have found that release today, 20th Sep, exactly a year from that day. Maybe it’s some perverse sub conscious way of paying homage to the person whose company made me feel comfortable and secure and free. Or maybe it’s because daily affairs have consumed me to such an extent that anything deeper doesn’t seem to matter anymore. But the end result is that I am at least writing again.
I just saw Bas Ek Pal, a movie I had been looking forward to as its director had previously made My Brother Nikhil, one of my all time favorites. I was quite disappointed but I would not like to blame my high expectations for that. Despite an extremely interesting storyline and good performers, the director was just not able to craft it all together into an engaging movie.
But I also realize that, as a very rare occurrence, my current state of mind and mood has also influenced my reaction to the movie. To be very honest, as I grapple with my grief and anger and regret and loss, and the knowledge that I have been grappling with these and will continue to do so for a long time, I find myself more and more unable to bear the cast of loser characters in the movie. I realize it’s an unfair comparison and I will probably change my mind tomorrow, but as of now, I just feel irritation at people who are not content with the pain that life throws at us anyway, and allow their weaknesses to actually create pain where none could have been allowed to exist…how stupid!!! (the reason I say this logic is unfair is because pain created from any source is still painful, and that realization is the basis for compassion)
Off the cuff, I have recently seen some other movies too which had more or less a similar set of characters – KANK, Closer, Match Point. Each movie was cynical (as opposed to compassionate) in its view of human folly, each movie touched unerringly on the inherent ruthlessness and selfishness that seems to increase in direct proportion to the weakness in our character. People use people. People just use love as an excuse to be ruthless. Love rarely exists. And when it does, it’s marred immediately by infidel or unjust acts that destroy the purity it should ideally represent.
This irritation carries over (or maybe is a carry over from) into my personal life as well. I am tired of being “balanced” in my perspective, “holistic” in my judgment, “detached” in my view…or to put it plainly - I am tired of making excuses for people. I genuinely love people and I genuinely love relationships. I want to like people wholeheartedly. And I want to respect people wholeheartedly. This is not an unrealistic expectation. It’s just tough and requires discipline and effort. But then, everything that’s worthwhile does. The easy way is for the losers anyway.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Mama
In the midst of the turbulence, the irritation, the disappointments, the exhaustion, there's one thought that seeps through my body and mind...
Your absence has gone through me
Like a thread through a needle
Everything I do
Is stitched with its color
Your absence has gone through me
Like a thread through a needle
Everything I do
Is stitched with its color
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Just cant tolerate them!!!!!!
Next time someone gives me feedback that I need to improve my tolerance levels, I shall use Naveen's response - "I cant help it if the pace of growth of stupidity is faster than my tolerance levels!"
Seriously...I am generally a nice, reasonable guy who makes (ok, has learnt to make) allowances for imperfections in people (especially since I realise that only then will they make allowances for mine!!) and tries (operative word, unfortunately) to be non judgmental when they do stuff pretty much against my...ahem...morality (ya, ya, I still have some of those)
But...and this is a big but (no pun intended at all)...I will NOT change my tolerance levels for....
> People who tell me I should increase my tolerance levels to accomodate the growing stupidity around me
> People who are genuinely genuinely dumb and make no attempt whatsoever to change that status
> Men who under their tight shirts-trendy haircuts-English speaking-urban persona continue to be staunch MCPs
> People who are clannish - religion/region/sexual orientation/career/language
> People who act very nice with/about people they thoroughly dislike (for their own perverted, often gossipy, motives)
> Parents who force children to pursue a career/marry/produce kids for "my sake"
> People who ignore or mistreat their elderly parents/relatives
> Young women (20/30) who bitch/gossip about teenage and "morality"
> People who quickly declare themselves guilty (of being selfish/weak/not realising their potential/careless etc etc) and think the matter's closed
> People who love to advise others but never extend support/help
> People who try saving on petrol in their car
> People who always, always come late
> People who say (in a very profound way) "relationships are all about give and take"...or even better, "there is a right time for doing everything in life" or similar absurdities
Cant remember any more now, will add to this list later :)
Seriously...I am generally a nice, reasonable guy who makes (ok, has learnt to make) allowances for imperfections in people (especially since I realise that only then will they make allowances for mine!!) and tries (operative word, unfortunately) to be non judgmental when they do stuff pretty much against my...ahem...morality (ya, ya, I still have some of those)
But...and this is a big but (no pun intended at all)...I will NOT change my tolerance levels for....
> People who tell me I should increase my tolerance levels to accomodate the growing stupidity around me
> People who are genuinely genuinely dumb and make no attempt whatsoever to change that status
> Men who under their tight shirts-trendy haircuts-English speaking-urban persona continue to be staunch MCPs
> People who are clannish - religion/region/sexual orientation/career/language
> People who act very nice with/about people they thoroughly dislike (for their own perverted, often gossipy, motives)
> Parents who force children to pursue a career/marry/produce kids for "my sake"
> People who ignore or mistreat their elderly parents/relatives
> Young women (20/30) who bitch/gossip about teenage and "morality"
> People who quickly declare themselves guilty (of being selfish/weak/not realising their potential/careless etc etc) and think the matter's closed
> People who love to advise others but never extend support/help
> People who try saving on petrol in their car
> People who always, always come late
> People who say (in a very profound way) "relationships are all about give and take"...or even better, "there is a right time for doing everything in life" or similar absurdities
Cant remember any more now, will add to this list later :)
Hip hop of the mind
I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Switched on
I was tired, really really tired. Of what, I am not too sure. I was working long hours, sure, but had worked much harder for much longer earlier. No catastrophic events had shaken up my life recently, neither had any of the relationships become too complex. Nevertheless, I was exhausted - mentally, emotionally, physically. Instead of trying to arrive at root causes, I decided to take some time off. And this time actually translated the decision into action, at the cost of getting into the wrong books of the right people at the wrong time, i.e. the HR offsite.
Not only did I take time off, but I switched off as well, just vegetating for two days in a row, avoiding any form of art/conversation that made me think or feel...reading chick lits, watching QAF, indulging in mindless banter. The following weekend was nothing earth shattering either. People interactions ranged from polite social (H, D) to mildly complex (K) to thoroughly pleasant (U, Sau)...activities were a safe mix of shopping, salon, movies. So I remained switched off, and didnt think. Not at all.
Didnt think of the strange connection that we have with loved ones..that till date Nan just starts feeling funny and calls me/Mum up when we are not well...the episodes with Mum and Ashu....me and Ban, Amit. This connection that seems to operate at a different level that rationality finds difficult to explain and yet is not so unbelievable either.
Didnt think of the unexpected places where relationships land up. They start with some constants - your own self; some variables - the events; some assumptions - the other's personality, what he/she can do, will do. And using all this you form some sort of chart for the future, and yet deviations take you to places that could be unexpected, and not always inviting. This is happening more and more with me recently (and is probably due to the less-thought-more-passive approach that Shk pointed out today) - the emotional land mine (Lord), the emotional stability card (Sau), the sense of failure (K), the big brother perspective (A)....its happening with "older" people too...the sense of security (U), the sense of distance (L) for example. Yes, all unexpected places, leaving me amused at myself for thinking I am smarter and trying to hit moving targets. Also leaving me a little wide eyed as I wonder about the mysterious routes charted despite our best intentions...maybe God is ensuring our health by ensuring we DONT get what we want?
Didnt think of the sudden blurs surrounding my life, the several loose ends that currently sway loosely in the wind, while I watch and think that I must hold them tight and yet my hand doesnt move. Life, roles, career...and the numerous small activities that must add up to these larger decisions...conversations with boss, sending CVs, closing certs issue, talking to colleges...all hanging. Maybe I need this time off to get my energy back to do such stuff.
Nope. Didnt think at all. Just switched off.
Not only did I take time off, but I switched off as well, just vegetating for two days in a row, avoiding any form of art/conversation that made me think or feel...reading chick lits, watching QAF, indulging in mindless banter. The following weekend was nothing earth shattering either. People interactions ranged from polite social (H, D) to mildly complex (K) to thoroughly pleasant (U, Sau)...activities were a safe mix of shopping, salon, movies. So I remained switched off, and didnt think. Not at all.
Didnt think of the strange connection that we have with loved ones..that till date Nan just starts feeling funny and calls me/Mum up when we are not well...the episodes with Mum and Ashu....me and Ban, Amit. This connection that seems to operate at a different level that rationality finds difficult to explain and yet is not so unbelievable either.
Didnt think of the unexpected places where relationships land up. They start with some constants - your own self; some variables - the events; some assumptions - the other's personality, what he/she can do, will do. And using all this you form some sort of chart for the future, and yet deviations take you to places that could be unexpected, and not always inviting. This is happening more and more with me recently (and is probably due to the less-thought-more-passive approach that Shk pointed out today) - the emotional land mine (Lord), the emotional stability card (Sau), the sense of failure (K), the big brother perspective (A)....its happening with "older" people too...the sense of security (U), the sense of distance (L) for example. Yes, all unexpected places, leaving me amused at myself for thinking I am smarter and trying to hit moving targets. Also leaving me a little wide eyed as I wonder about the mysterious routes charted despite our best intentions...maybe God is ensuring our health by ensuring we DONT get what we want?
Didnt think of the sudden blurs surrounding my life, the several loose ends that currently sway loosely in the wind, while I watch and think that I must hold them tight and yet my hand doesnt move. Life, roles, career...and the numerous small activities that must add up to these larger decisions...conversations with boss, sending CVs, closing certs issue, talking to colleges...all hanging. Maybe I need this time off to get my energy back to do such stuff.
Nope. Didnt think at all. Just switched off.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Budday
I am struggling to keep awake as I write this. I am not even sure why I am writing this, considering that I have no concrete or comprehensive thoughts or feelings to record. Or maybe that's why I am here...trying to peer through the blur that has surrounded this day and make firmer shapes of the softer thoughts and memories that have clouded my mind.....what did I do today?
I felt the same sadness that has become a part of me for the past year or so. Despite control, despite catharsis, it continues to be alive, sending out painful feelers every few moments/days in the most unexpected times. Like today.
I got irritated at myself for getting irritated with things in people that I knew would irritate me but I had thought I had steeled myself against in advance. (Yes, that sentence does make sense to me)
I just dissolved into tears everytime someone said or did something sweet. A had "happy birthday sudeep" on all his chat ids...LC spoke to me about how she has seen me grow and evolve...D handed me a jacket and apologised for the time 2 years when he had tried to find me a suede jacket in China (which I had been looking for)but couldn't...Unni called twice, trying to create touch where none had existed for months...Mum sent a card that had the simplest, nicest words on it...
I vaguely felt that I should look at my resolutions for the year and figure out where I stand...and then I realised that that may not be such a good picture, so may as well let it be...but the seed had been planted and I thought about it and thought a little more...
I wore a bright pink shirt with striped grey trousers and a crisp smile that got me compliments of a nature I am certainly not used to.
I answered a lot more calls today than I remember doing last year (The day started with a conversation with Ank, ended with Sej. What a contrast!). So I guess the resolution of having lesser people in my life has not really worked out. However, I did restrain on going out. Last year I had met 6 different people. Today I went for a quiet dinner with D. Naturally the view for the next week doesn't look good.
So anyway, why am I making a big deal of this? It was a blurred day, it was a blurred day. BFD.
But. I dont like blurs. Unfortunate experience tells me blurs are usually our way of cutting out pain or avoiding decisive reality. Since there is no reason why I should feeling too much pain, I can only imagine the latter objective. In that case, I am determined to pierce out the exact thoughts that are lurking in this fog and face whatever I have to face, even if it is the harshest of realities. Bloody hell, my mind is trying to play games with me...doesn't it know what I made of!!!!
I felt the same sadness that has become a part of me for the past year or so. Despite control, despite catharsis, it continues to be alive, sending out painful feelers every few moments/days in the most unexpected times. Like today.
I got irritated at myself for getting irritated with things in people that I knew would irritate me but I had thought I had steeled myself against in advance. (Yes, that sentence does make sense to me)
I just dissolved into tears everytime someone said or did something sweet. A had "happy birthday sudeep" on all his chat ids...LC spoke to me about how she has seen me grow and evolve...D handed me a jacket and apologised for the time 2 years when he had tried to find me a suede jacket in China (which I had been looking for)but couldn't...Unni called twice, trying to create touch where none had existed for months...Mum sent a card that had the simplest, nicest words on it...
I vaguely felt that I should look at my resolutions for the year and figure out where I stand...and then I realised that that may not be such a good picture, so may as well let it be...but the seed had been planted and I thought about it and thought a little more...
I wore a bright pink shirt with striped grey trousers and a crisp smile that got me compliments of a nature I am certainly not used to.
I answered a lot more calls today than I remember doing last year (The day started with a conversation with Ank, ended with Sej. What a contrast!). So I guess the resolution of having lesser people in my life has not really worked out. However, I did restrain on going out. Last year I had met 6 different people. Today I went for a quiet dinner with D. Naturally the view for the next week doesn't look good.
So anyway, why am I making a big deal of this? It was a blurred day, it was a blurred day. BFD.
But. I dont like blurs. Unfortunate experience tells me blurs are usually our way of cutting out pain or avoiding decisive reality. Since there is no reason why I should feeling too much pain, I can only imagine the latter objective. In that case, I am determined to pierce out the exact thoughts that are lurking in this fog and face whatever I have to face, even if it is the harshest of realities. Bloody hell, my mind is trying to play games with me...doesn't it know what I made of!!!!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Lines on the face and shadows in the eyes
What a pyschedelic contrast the days can be when compared to one another...the dull grey of Saturday turned into a bright blue by evening. Sunday was a mellow pink with gashes of cruel purple. The purple fused into a brown on Monday that turned muddier in the evening. But the mud started glistening and turned into a strikingly cheerful yellow the entire Tuesday and like fools, I forgot that yellow's partner for maximum impact is - black. Remembered that useful fact today in retrospect.
Why today? Because I lost my temper which was avoidable. Because I got into a cold rage which was unavoidable. Because I was disappointed with people which was a lesson I should have learnt by now. Because I didnt do a lot of important personal stuff that I know I will regret later. Because I am letting my thoughts move in a direction in which they shouldn't. Because I handled a situation in a way that could have been handled better. Because my yesterday's heart breaking conversation with Nan keeps coming back to me and I keep thinking that if the loved ones in my life add to me as a person, doesn't it logically mean that the loved ones I have lost - Daddy, Dpt, Ashu, Mama - have decimated my life as well?
Why today? Because I lost my temper which was avoidable. Because I got into a cold rage which was unavoidable. Because I was disappointed with people which was a lesson I should have learnt by now. Because I didnt do a lot of important personal stuff that I know I will regret later. Because I am letting my thoughts move in a direction in which they shouldn't. Because I handled a situation in a way that could have been handled better. Because my yesterday's heart breaking conversation with Nan keeps coming back to me and I keep thinking that if the loved ones in my life add to me as a person, doesn't it logically mean that the loved ones I have lost - Daddy, Dpt, Ashu, Mama - have decimated my life as well?
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