The Mango Tree

It's been weeks since my Hampi trip and I have been meaning to record my impressions. Yet one thing after another has overtaken me and my intentions didn't get translated to paper.

But I MUST write about one of the loveliest eating places I have ever been to - The Mango Tree.

After a few hours of tiring sightseeing, we were in dire need of a GOOD (yes, in capital letters) lunch. The cab driver didn't come up with any helpful suggestions until we got the brain wave of telling him to take us to where the "foreigners" go! Then off we were, a ten minute drive into the wild, passing an ancient rock painting, finally stopping at a large wrought iron gate. Walking through the gate, we realised we were on a small hill overlooking the river. We followed a tiny path through a banana plantation (of all things) and reached a suspiciously ordinary looking restaurant called the Mango Tree.

Suspicion turned to pleasant surprise as we took off our shoes and emerged into a small clearing that housed the joint. It is basically various levels of stone seating, with chatais underneath and the trees above. Your back is to the hill and you face the river and the rocky hills opposite. There is a swing in the middle, reminding you of the hundreds of movies you have seen on rural India and there is a plastic coated menu that reminds you very much of the urban India that you now inhabit. The range of food reflects the variety of clientele they get and is quite a relief for me (as to me holiday is synonymous with good food).

But this interesting, though factual, description doesn't even begin to capture the feel of the place. One can (and I did) just sit there for hours without feeling restless or compelled to move. You can eat leisurely, ordering in batches...finally ending up sipping mint tea as you look over the river (no interesting sight, though) and generally thinking about existentialism or about your pending to-do list. You can enjoy the muted conversations of other guests who dont stare at you or invade your space despite being close by. You can read peacefully and actually read without distraction, not just flip through magazines. You can enjoy the silence of the surrounding area and not miss music at all. You can put your feet up without worrying whether they are pedicured or not and you can listen to snatches of conversation that make you smile and think. You can basically take a break from life. And get served while doing so.

The "true" love?

In a recent conversation with DB, I had spoken about how all relationships are need based. That's natural. And yet, that is also the root of its downfall. I know this is idealistic, but the truest love is that which exists for its own sake. Maybe I was echoing this sonnet which I remember having read many many years ago and which I suddenly came across today.

Sonnet XIVI

f thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not sayI love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day--For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,--A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

It's been a long, long time since I sat like this in the middle of the night, trying to capture the "whoosh" of thoughts and feelings swirling through my mind and soul.

And swirl they do, faster and faster. Both at work and outside, events are reaching a crescendo that will either peak with fulfilment or crash with disappointment. Whichever happens, the impact will be significant, sending ripples through my entire being, through my entire life; setting in motion a series of thoughts and actions that will define the pattern of my life over the next few years at least. Key words - Acn, Mer, DB.

I am scared. Honest to goodness scared. I so so want things to turn out in a certain way, but the way the music is playing, it's touch and go either way. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to feel I have compromised. I dont want to regret later. But I cant afford to want any of this. Because the music plays on....and it can go either way....I can keep wanting all I want, I can be as scared as I like. The music is ruthless even when it soothes.

and the wheels turn....

Hot coffee scalds my lips as I write this. The sun is shining and the breeze tousles my hair like a friendly lover. I am ensconced comfortably on this terrace café, in a cane chair, on plump cushions, slightly dazed after a heavy meal replete with dessert. It’s three thirty in the afternoon and all I have done till now is to wake up (at the unprecedented late hour of eleven), have tea, finish my novel, get picked up by Nkj, and indulge in a heavy lunch. And there are no specific plans for the rest of the day. And this is the third day in a row when I am doing this. To repeat the word, unprecedented. To use another word, blissful.

But things are never blissful, are they? The song playing in the background – Dire Strait’s Winds of Change – is eerily reflective of what I am thinking.

The intensely painful exchange of words with K….the sudden resurgence of V followed by the even more sudden bitter reaction…the two engaging, intelligent conversations with Shankar and Hema…the escalating quantity and quality of my interaction with DD – they have all been so unexpected, leaving me breathless with a cauldron of emotions – pain, anger, confidence, hope. There’s some pattern here, and the unexpectedness is just part of it. And it makes me certain that the tide is turning, that somewhere in the realms of the underground wheels are turning towards a direction I am as yet unaware of.

I will not try to indulge in either imaginative or intellectual forecasting, because it is of no use. Several of my previous posts indicate that I have been uncomfortably aware of these winds approaching. I am equally aware of the futility of trying to anticipate what the winds will bring or where they will take me. All I have are my basic anchors – my value system, my survivor instinct, my loved ones – and I shall go along making the best of whatever is thrown my way. And when I have reached (or rather, been taken to) some sort of destination, I will record it.

Pleasure trip

Weekend reading -

> The Know it All - an explosion of thoughts and information (both pretty much useless most of the time!) delivered in a series of succint paragraphs and pages that make you rock with laughter and caustically raise your brows in an equal measure. The book is essentially the author's (he is an Esquire editor, to make it even more surreal) journey through the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (did I spell that right?) and the totally lateral thinking he indulges in while doing so. The best thing about this book is that its extremely readable but not gripping as it's not in a "story" form. Hence, its become my coffee shop book - I carry it around in my car and pick it up for reading whenever I go for my regular coffee/tea outings (as I will tonight....its raining and so peaceful)

> Diplomatic Baggage - as hilarious as the book above, but as addictive as QAF! - "where does she go next?" "what happened to her next?" - these questions have driven me to read this book every night for the past five days and hence sleep much later than usual. The book is written by an EC diplomat's wife and is an account of her travels with him. What makes it more than just "funny", are the highly compassionate approach to all situations as well as the vicarious sense of pleasure one gets through a travel book!

Weekend outings -

> Opus - after a horrendously boring alumni dinner/presentation, going to Opus was like stumbling on to an Oasis. I dont know if it was the fact that I was near boredom-death when I reached there, but the place positively sparkled this Saturday! All elements converged somehow - the grey crouds against the palm trees, the twinkling lights in the hatch roof, the DJ belting out Boney M tunes, the purrfect Mojito, the good company (H). What sets this place apart from all other Blr joints is the unpredictability of the entertainment it has to offer. At the same time, it has the that beautiful aspect to it which is common to all good places here - the complete democracy in its clientele, a complete lack of homegeneity. I saw pierced-eyebrow-youngsters next to button-down-yuppies next to long-skirt-aunties, all shaking their booty to Grease Lightning! Loved it.

Weekend movies -

> Dor - to be honest, my first reaction to this movie is "its such a radical departure from Nagesh Kukunoor's style, I am sure he has got someone to ghost direct it". Having said that (not that I am not a fan of his style of movies, I am), this movie is one of the most surprising in a lot of other ways too - the sheer simplicity of its storytelling (I felt I was reading a well written novel), the evocative music, the fine performances, the sheer strength of its message. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it has suitably compensated for my recent disappointments.

Thinking - pause.

The more I think, the more negative the spiral. I don’t know why that should be so…in the past, thinking has often been my route to appreciate the world around me, the people, their characters, their achievements; it been my way of imbibing the impact of the arts, of examining and evolving myself.

For the past few weeks however, thinking has led me to get morose, regretful and much worse, disillusioned and disappointed. A significant contributor to this state of mind is the games that people play, an often recurring observation through the years. Usually they arouse in me amusement and fascination – the lies that people concoct about themselves, the way they use one emotion as an excuse for another, the multiple levels at which they lead their lives, the subversive tactics they employ even on their loved ones to get what they want, the twist that conventional philosophies are given to justify their own lies (e.g.” life is short so live it fully”, translated to “I will do whatever I want, at whatever cost, because life is short and I want to live it fully”!!!). But this amusement/fascination was probably the reaction from my arrogant ivory tower, which was earlier peopled with those I had carefully filtered, sifted through and developed as “close ones” who I “liked and respected”. Thanks to my changing behavior patterns over the years, today my circle is not just about these people…others are now directly touching my life too. And so do their games. And the snob that I am, it irks me, never mind that it’s my own doing.

So today I am caught somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to be cynical – that’s not me, and that’s not where I want to go either. But I don’t dare hope, because that hope is invariably crushed by disappointment.

Switching off is not a solution. As I have seen earlier, switching off did eliminate some of these negatives from my life but affected the positives too. And that’s a risk I am just not willing to take…life is too short and too unpredictable to take these positives for granted. (in positives, I include my relationships that are my anchor as well as my own essence, which is growth oriented and positive)

So what I probably need to do is some reverse filtering. It won’t be very painful because, quite logically, as the breadth of my acquaintance has widened, the depth has decreased. But it will be highly inconvenient, because I would need to give up on a way of life – actions, events, interactions – which I had enjoyed and gotten used to. It will also be cumbersome, taking up effort and mind space during a period when I need my energies and focus more than ever. But it’s something that I need to do, so I will do it.

Back on...

Yes its been ten days since I returned from Delhi and I have not yet been able to post anything. Writing even in its most superfluous forms is demanding and one of its foremost demands is for you to open your mind, if not your heart, to the power of the pen. And that’s something that I could not bring myself to. Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel so strongly that something burnt inside; I didn’t want to think so hard that all energy got sapped out of me. I didn’t want to look at areas I was already uncomfortably familiar with and I didn’t want to visit places that I knew didn’t agree with me.

In some strange, ironic way, I seem to have found that release today, 20th Sep, exactly a year from that day. Maybe it’s some perverse sub conscious way of paying homage to the person whose company made me feel comfortable and secure and free. Or maybe it’s because daily affairs have consumed me to such an extent that anything deeper doesn’t seem to matter anymore. But the end result is that I am at least writing again.

I just saw Bas Ek Pal, a movie I had been looking forward to as its director had previously made My Brother Nikhil, one of my all time favorites. I was quite disappointed but I would not like to blame my high expectations for that. Despite an extremely interesting storyline and good performers, the director was just not able to craft it all together into an engaging movie.

But I also realize that, as a very rare occurrence, my current state of mind and mood has also influenced my reaction to the movie. To be very honest, as I grapple with my grief and anger and regret and loss, and the knowledge that I have been grappling with these and will continue to do so for a long time, I find myself more and more unable to bear the cast of loser characters in the movie. I realize it’s an unfair comparison and I will probably change my mind tomorrow, but as of now, I just feel irritation at people who are not content with the pain that life throws at us anyway, and allow their weaknesses to actually create pain where none could have been allowed to exist…how stupid!!! (the reason I say this logic is unfair is because pain created from any source is still painful, and that realization is the basis for compassion)

Off the cuff, I have recently seen some other movies too which had more or less a similar set of characters – KANK, Closer, Match Point. Each movie was cynical (as opposed to compassionate) in its view of human folly, each movie touched unerringly on the inherent ruthlessness and selfishness that seems to increase in direct proportion to the weakness in our character. People use people. People just use love as an excuse to be ruthless. Love rarely exists. And when it does, it’s marred immediately by infidel or unjust acts that destroy the purity it should ideally represent.

This irritation carries over (or maybe is a carry over from) into my personal life as well. I am tired of being “balanced” in my perspective, “holistic” in my judgment, “detached” in my view…or to put it plainly - I am tired of making excuses for people. I genuinely love people and I genuinely love relationships. I want to like people wholeheartedly. And I want to respect people wholeheartedly. This is not an unrealistic expectation. It’s just tough and requires discipline and effort. But then, everything that’s worthwhile does. The easy way is for the losers anyway.

Mama

In the midst of the turbulence, the irritation, the disappointments, the exhaustion, there's one thought that seeps through my body and mind...

Your absence has gone through me
Like a thread through a needle
Everything I do
Is stitched with its color

Just cant tolerate them!!!!!!

Next time someone gives me feedback that I need to improve my tolerance levels, I shall use Naveen's response - "I cant help it if the pace of growth of stupidity is faster than my tolerance levels!"

Seriously...I am generally a nice, reasonable guy who makes (ok, has learnt to make) allowances for imperfections in people (especially since I realise that only then will they make allowances for mine!!) and tries (operative word, unfortunately) to be non judgmental when they do stuff pretty much against my...ahem...morality (ya, ya, I still have some of those)

But...and this is a big but (no pun intended at all)...I will NOT change my tolerance levels for....

> People who tell me I should increase my tolerance levels to accomodate the growing stupidity around me

> People who are genuinely genuinely dumb and make no attempt whatsoever to change that status

> Men who under their tight shirts-trendy haircuts-English speaking-urban persona continue to be staunch MCPs

> People who are clannish - religion/region/sexual orientation/career/language

> People who act very nice with/about people they thoroughly dislike (for their own perverted, often gossipy, motives)

> Parents who force children to pursue a career/marry/produce kids for "my sake"

> People who ignore or mistreat their elderly parents/relatives

> Young women (20/30) who bitch/gossip about teenage and "morality"

> People who quickly declare themselves guilty (of being selfish/weak/not realising their potential/careless etc etc) and think the matter's closed

> People who love to advise others but never extend support/help

> People who try saving on petrol in their car

> People who always, always come late

> People who say (in a very profound way) "relationships are all about give and take"...or even better, "there is a right time for doing everything in life" or similar absurdities

Cant remember any more now, will add to this list later :)

Hip hop of the mind

I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.

There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.

There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.

There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.

There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.

There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....

There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.

There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????

So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.

But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!

In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.

I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.

There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.

There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.

There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.

There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.

There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....

There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.

There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????

So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.

But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!

In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.

Switched on

I was tired, really really tired. Of what, I am not too sure. I was working long hours, sure, but had worked much harder for much longer earlier. No catastrophic events had shaken up my life recently, neither had any of the relationships become too complex. Nevertheless, I was exhausted - mentally, emotionally, physically. Instead of trying to arrive at root causes, I decided to take some time off. And this time actually translated the decision into action, at the cost of getting into the wrong books of the right people at the wrong time, i.e. the HR offsite.

Not only did I take time off, but I switched off as well, just vegetating for two days in a row, avoiding any form of art/conversation that made me think or feel...reading chick lits, watching QAF, indulging in mindless banter. The following weekend was nothing earth shattering either. People interactions ranged from polite social (H, D) to mildly complex (K) to thoroughly pleasant (U, Sau)...activities were a safe mix of shopping, salon, movies. So I remained switched off, and didnt think. Not at all.

Didnt think of the strange connection that we have with loved ones..that till date Nan just starts feeling funny and calls me/Mum up when we are not well...the episodes with Mum and Ashu....me and Ban, Amit. This connection that seems to operate at a different level that rationality finds difficult to explain and yet is not so unbelievable either.

Didnt think of the unexpected places where relationships land up. They start with some constants - your own self; some variables - the events; some assumptions - the other's personality, what he/she can do, will do. And using all this you form some sort of chart for the future, and yet deviations take you to places that could be unexpected, and not always inviting. This is happening more and more with me recently (and is probably due to the less-thought-more-passive approach that Shk pointed out today) - the emotional land mine (Lord), the emotional stability card (Sau), the sense of failure (K), the big brother perspective (A)....its happening with "older" people too...the sense of security (U), the sense of distance (L) for example. Yes, all unexpected places, leaving me amused at myself for thinking I am smarter and trying to hit moving targets. Also leaving me a little wide eyed as I wonder about the mysterious routes charted despite our best intentions...maybe God is ensuring our health by ensuring we DONT get what we want?

Didnt think of the sudden blurs surrounding my life, the several loose ends that currently sway loosely in the wind, while I watch and think that I must hold them tight and yet my hand doesnt move. Life, roles, career...and the numerous small activities that must add up to these larger decisions...conversations with boss, sending CVs, closing certs issue, talking to colleges...all hanging. Maybe I need this time off to get my energy back to do such stuff.

Nope. Didnt think at all. Just switched off.

Budday

I am struggling to keep awake as I write this. I am not even sure why I am writing this, considering that I have no concrete or comprehensive thoughts or feelings to record. Or maybe that's why I am here...trying to peer through the blur that has surrounded this day and make firmer shapes of the softer thoughts and memories that have clouded my mind.....what did I do today?

I felt the same sadness that has become a part of me for the past year or so. Despite control, despite catharsis, it continues to be alive, sending out painful feelers every few moments/days in the most unexpected times. Like today.

I got irritated at myself for getting irritated with things in people that I knew would irritate me but I had thought I had steeled myself against in advance. (Yes, that sentence does make sense to me)

I just dissolved into tears everytime someone said or did something sweet. A had "happy birthday sudeep" on all his chat ids...LC spoke to me about how she has seen me grow and evolve...D handed me a jacket and apologised for the time 2 years when he had tried to find me a suede jacket in China (which I had been looking for)but couldn't...Unni called twice, trying to create touch where none had existed for months...Mum sent a card that had the simplest, nicest words on it...

I vaguely felt that I should look at my resolutions for the year and figure out where I stand...and then I realised that that may not be such a good picture, so may as well let it be...but the seed had been planted and I thought about it and thought a little more...

I wore a bright pink shirt with striped grey trousers and a crisp smile that got me compliments of a nature I am certainly not used to.

I answered a lot more calls today than I remember doing last year (The day started with a conversation with Ank, ended with Sej. What a contrast!). So I guess the resolution of having lesser people in my life has not really worked out. However, I did restrain on going out. Last year I had met 6 different people. Today I went for a quiet dinner with D. Naturally the view for the next week doesn't look good.

So anyway, why am I making a big deal of this? It was a blurred day, it was a blurred day. BFD.

But. I dont like blurs. Unfortunate experience tells me blurs are usually our way of cutting out pain or avoiding decisive reality. Since there is no reason why I should feeling too much pain, I can only imagine the latter objective. In that case, I am determined to pierce out the exact thoughts that are lurking in this fog and face whatever I have to face, even if it is the harshest of realities. Bloody hell, my mind is trying to play games with me...doesn't it know what I made of!!!!

Lines on the face and shadows in the eyes

What a pyschedelic contrast the days can be when compared to one another...the dull grey of Saturday turned into a bright blue by evening. Sunday was a mellow pink with gashes of cruel purple. The purple fused into a brown on Monday that turned muddier in the evening. But the mud started glistening and turned into a strikingly cheerful yellow the entire Tuesday and like fools, I forgot that yellow's partner for maximum impact is - black. Remembered that useful fact today in retrospect.

Why today? Because I lost my temper which was avoidable. Because I got into a cold rage which was unavoidable. Because I was disappointed with people which was a lesson I should have learnt by now. Because I didnt do a lot of important personal stuff that I know I will regret later. Because I am letting my thoughts move in a direction in which they shouldn't. Because I handled a situation in a way that could have been handled better. Because my yesterday's heart breaking conversation with Nan keeps coming back to me and I keep thinking that if the loved ones in my life add to me as a person, doesn't it logically mean that the loved ones I have lost - Daddy, Dpt, Ashu, Mama - have decimated my life as well?

One emotion at a time?

I just saw Kank and am writing this late at night. Not because I am profoundly affected by the movie - no, I can always trust Karan Johar to ensure that despite a potentially moving storyline and highly competent actors, there will be a sheen of plastic on everything - but because, despite its inability to touch the heart, it does provoke thought with some extremely potent situations, scenes and dialogues.

If I try to capture all the thoughts it provoked, I will probably get tired and stop mid way, considering that it's a three hours plus movie! More importantly, the thoughts are so linked with each other, that I will probably get lost if I try to untangle them. So I will keep aside several interesting lines of thought for now - the loneliness of friendless hearts; the comfort of money in tough times; the sheer siliness of people who get into something without thinking it through; the instinctive intelligence of elders - and focus on the most obvious aspect - the characters and motivations of the leads, SRK and Rani, who are unfaithful to their spouses.

No act has one single emotion behind it. Not even two, I would argue. Multiple is usually the case. But one or two of those emotions are usually the trigger or the driver of the act. Amongst the rabble of emotions that SRK and Rani feel (or rather, appear to feel), which of those really drive them?

In softer moments, I would say - romance and a bit of madness (for our poets have taught us that they go together). They are stuck in marriages that they dont want, their relationships are degenerating by the day...they meet, they connect, they fall in love, they go through pain. One accepts that what they did was wrong, but somehow inevitable as well. And who can resist the lure of true love. These thoughts are picked up well by the movie itself, that crafts a sufiana feel to their romance, amidst a New York that encourages it.

Thankfully, the movie has its harsher moments, as do I. Its not important to look at the "what" to understand something, but instead ask the "why". Why are they in marriages where there wasn't love to start with? Why are they getting bitter and angry with their spouses (who, by the way, actually love them)? Why don't they recognise the connection at the start itself and deal with it? Why do they pretend as if the other needs them instead of admitting that they need the other? Why dont they stop when they feel they are doing something wrong? Why are they always upset and dissatisfied - when they were married, when they were having an affair, when they got divorced? There are plenty of more "whys" but the answer's pretty clear - weakness. No, I would not count stupidity or selfishness or roving eyes as the prime emotion. It all boils down to the way you deal with situations in your life, and if you respond weakly, you just wreak havoc, in your and everyone else's lives.

These characters seemed to have done just that - responded weakly to conflict ior pain ridden situations that really required frankness and self awareness and communication and decision. When they got married, when they went through a disaster, when the spouse grew distant, when they started a secret relationship...basically, all through.

In this weakness, I believe, lies the root of all other evils that afflicts them helplessly. For they are helpless as they watch their inner weakness drive them to be untrue, to be cruel, to be self absorbed. And unless they are highly unintelligent, they will watch, sooner or later. This destruction of self must be as obvious to them as it is to any other rational person. And this self image is the price they pay for the lack of strength, the lack of courage.

And this is where I find my stand somewhere between the soft and the harsh. I dont feel for the emptiness in their lives that drove them outside commitment; neither do I look down upon them for the selfishness and cruelty they display. I just feel compassion and sadness for this price they pay - the blow to the most precious of commodities, self respect.

And yes, who can really avoid falling in love? To me, thats the biggest change this symbolises in me...from the black & white approach I used to have earlier, I am now in that grey zone. The heart wants what the heart wants. No force on earth can fight it.

Othello and related thoughts

Othello seems to be the flavor of the season and I certainly cannot escape it.

Saw Omkara two weeks ago - its one of those movies which I may not like so much, but one that will stay in my mind for a long, long time.

I dont like it so much because of its uneven pace and because of the inevitable comparisons with Maqbool that had a subtlety about it which I enjoyed more than the in-your-face rawness of Omkara.

However, I admire the movie - unlike arty cinema, the rawness is not put on and just sucks you in naturally. There is also a tremendous, nearly sexual, energy in the movie. It's the most thrilling climax I have seen in a long long time (the last time I sat riveted in my chair like this was in Matrix, I think) and the performances - both the extroverted and the quiet - are effective.

Last evening, I went for the play Othello. Expecting the standard tragedy, I was pleasantly surprised to realise that there was quite an unusual plot - during the making of the play Othello, the story of Othello gets enacted by the cast's own personalities and personal lives. The plot could have backfired had it not been supported by a cast of fabulous professionals (even to my untrained eyes) who brought out nuances that a movie just can not.

Related thoughts - (considering that all art is essentially about discovery)

> I am not sure where my liking for darker, more complex stories started or stems from. I just know that I like them. However, such stories are the easiest to go wrong with. Example, Dangerous Liaisons which is brilliant and its remake - Cruel Intentions - which is trash.

> I know one thing for sure - I continue to be turned on by talent and intelligence (they usually go together) rather than by looks and charm.

> Beauty is often found in the most unexpected of places. The harsh landscapes of UP, the pained lines on a man's face - both can be incredibly alluring

Always a stranger to me...

Sex.
Money (linked to career)
Obligations.

The order of priority differs depending on gender, social conditioning, circumstance and individual aspirations. But these three are what occupies the mindspace of most people most of the time. And hence, relationships which fall into these three categories are the ones which get maximum attention as well. And the ones which dont, dont. Simple.

But not so simple for me. Because I ignore these three categories most of the time and focus my attention on people, on the connection to the core, rather than the external linkages. And thus prioritise accordingly as well.

Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I am always, always, always, on a tangent with the rest of the world.

Once in a while, I have met people who are also aligned to this. Its happened seldom, but when it did, I felt....vindicated? happy? Nope. I felt nothing. Because its not as if this is a conscious effort on my path to be different. Its just me. And I dont feel particularly upset or proud or tormented or wonderful to be like this. Its just me.

So why do I still seek the someone who's aligned to me? Because I do have one thing in common with everyone else. The need for resonance. And the comfort it brings.

where do i go?

The incident on Monday with Ven n Nav shook me up completely. I can argue with myself that I am over reacting to a relatively not-so-big ussue or that it wasnt unexpected knowing the history, but the point is not about the incident or about them.

The point is, quite simply, about me. My focus on relationships, my emphasis on trust, my reliance on people, my role in others' lives.

And they are not isolated incidents or feelings - the anger at the unexpected betrayal, the stress due to incompetent professionals at work, the pain at seeing Mum off and knowing she's not with me for another few months. They are all part of the same story within one week, giving rise to questions that force me out of my comfort (blind?) zone every few months or so. Most of these questions are repeated and I have recorded several of them in various notes/tapes/posts over the past decade.

Why does my locus of control continue to be heavily external, despite me being my own best friend? Have I really come a long way from where I was a few years ago or have I just convinced myself I have? How much is the gap between what I feel and what I think I feel and what I want others to think I feel and what I show I feel? For how many people am I a "compartment", a part of the convenient slotting that I find so abhorrent? What's more me - to retreat when in pain or to confront?

Mum believes that I dont share myself with anyone, but I just want to cry and ask - what do I share when I have nothing to give? why should I share when I know there's pain at the end of the road? how should I share when I cant even trust? who should i share with, knowing that hardly anyone really cares or understands?

I sit in the early morning chill and express these questions and thoughts that revolve in my head, knowing that there are no answers, at least not definitive ones. Knowing that I will soon be immersed in a maelstrom of activity at work and outside. Knowing that the sharpness of this internal typhoon will get dulled with the bombardment of action. Knowing that a few days later, I will be in the flow again, and will maybe come back to this post to figure out what exactly it was that was killing me a week ago.

Until next time.

Romance movies

I saw the Lake House today...I had somehow been drawn to it after watching a trailer and for once, the movie turned out to be better than promised. It helped that I saw it with N.

At the surface, it had a lot of elements which I may not find agreeable...a slightly confusing plot line, Sandra Bullock and a tender background music score. Yet the characters were endearing and the connection between them astonishingly real and natural. It was a well made movie - flowed well, and had good performances - and became a lovely movie by the way it made you smile and gasp at the right places. Like all lovely movies, it was a little sad at times. Like all lovely movies, it made you look inward and feel and think about yourself and your actions and your motives. It also kind of made me believe (at least while the movie lasted) in love and its purity and its madness and its power, the kind I once thought possible.

Though I have seen plenty (many!) so called romantic movies through the years, there are very few that have genuinely touched me. Off the cuff, I remember the following -
The French Lieutenant's Woman - the madness of love, tinged with a sense of doom and enoblement at the same time....
Before Sunrise/Sunset - the chemistry, the connection, no context, no needs
When Harry Met Sally - the growth/change in relatioships...the synonym for love - comfort.
Love and Death on Long Island - the sweetness and pain and intimacy and longing of the ones who loves
Brokeback Mountain - the sudden-ness of it all, the denial, the quiet pain, the devotion
Roman Holiday - the lightness of first love, the exploration, the wonder.

I hope I can remember the others and make a good list.

Collection

Its been quite some time since I posted, and there are several reasons for that; the main one probably being that when I have a lot to think about, I either vent it out furiously in a flow of language that mirrors the madness/excitement/maelstrom within, or go to the other extreme and just retreat until I collect the thoughts, bring some coherence and calmness into myself and then sort them out one by one.

The past few weeks have seen a lot of activity and interactions and decisions and steps on nearly all fronts - family visiting, conversations with close ones, deliberations with colleagues, role discussions, frenetic work pace. But contrary to standard belief, this hasn't meant that I have gone into switch off mode...instead, all the activity heightened my senses and enabled a flow of thought and emotion of a level I haven't experienced for quite some time.

So what have I been thinking of...?

Of changes to our personality, brought about by the gradual, consistent, insistent beating of waves against the surface, until we give in. And look at each other with surprise, regret, resigned acceptance tinged with a little shame.

Of role reversals. Of the child becoming the mother. Of the self consciousness of the child when doing so, against the natural instincts which the mother once had.

Of moving to another, higher level. Of taking a thought through, structured, well aimed leap. Of letting go of ropes that tie me down with the purpose of inhibiting me, and holding on to those that equip me to jump higher without letting go of the roots.

Of the unusual, inexplicable nature of true relationships and connections that defy classifications (in fact, I would say that classification is a defamation of sorts) to bring out the best in two people who are joined not by blood/worldly ties/proximity/common interests/romance/sex but by just their souls.

Of new "friends" and old anchors. Of thinking of one with sudden, inexplicable bitterness and thinking of the other with sudden, painful longing.

Of the self indulgent nature of emotional and intellectual dissections that after a point cease to be a decision making tool (as meant to be) and become a reason for delaying action.

Of the humbling companionship of better people, reminding us of what we want to be, should be, could be. Of how we often run away from such companionship because it makes us face a reality we would rather ignore.

Of the strange nature of my needs/wants. I know what I need, and I go all out to get it and acknowledge it when I dont. But I rarely know what I want, or rather ignore what I want. And thus my life runs in a tangent to the rest of the people around me, because everyone is so clued in to what they want, and never to what they need. Its dangerous sometimes. Mostly its convenient and makes me feel centered. The accompanying loneliness is a small price to pay.

Of living life in cliches that probably became cliches because they were so relevant. In my case, its my desire to live life as a journey and not a destination. Maybe its my way of justifying a lot of things, but this cliche allows me to be quite happy today. And that means a lot to me.