Retreat to the Familiar

Am reading Gone with the Wind for the nth time. Its like getting back in touch with yourself...looking back at the linkages it had with your emotional evolution at that time...feeling the same rush of excitement you did when your first read it and hence realising that you are quite the same person!! I have been devouring it like a hungry animal, yet relishing each work, sometimes even re reading paras and lines that connect with me.

Also spending time with mum. Met L. Lovely weather for the past two days.

So...am out of it. Finally. This time the roller coaster was sharper, though shorter.

But I continue to be irritated. With the two selves within me that reside in conflict, sometimes with open war, sometimes with uneasy peace.

I stand for....

Touched upon a nice game yesterday with J (a new speck) on people "symbolising" certain adjectives (the nice ones).

Recollected that today with 2 fabulous, underrated songs -

"Kuch kasmein hain jawan" from Aankhen. Smooth, well picturised song with Sushmita Sen and Arjun Rampal - they symbolise "God"

"Kaal dhamaal" from Kaal. Colorful, frenetic, pulsating....SRK and Malaika Arora. They are "HOT".

Some others...

"Beautiful" - Hema Malini, Shobana, Michelle Pfeiffer

"Superstar" - Sridevi, Liz Taylor, AB

"Talented" - Naseerudin Shah, Shabana Azmi, Meryl Streep

When big things pull me down, its the little things that help me get back

Had a long chat with Nan on domestic trifles and weather differences

Unexpectedly chanced upon old favorites on radio - Jawaani Jaaneman, Ankhiyan Milaoon, Akele Hum Akele Tum

Got a delightful forward with a half remembered tune from the DD days

Started reading Gone with the Wind for the umpteenth time

Ran out in the rain, got wet, dirty, laughed.

Smiled at the sweet thing a relative stranger said to me.

People connect. And people slotting.

3 conversations of depth. With a boss (M, 39), new friend (F, 30), and a relatively older friend (M, 31). They ranged across the widest of personal topics imaginable - career decisions, drivers of life's principles, relationship foundations, self flagellation, self love, romance and its relevance, peace, success factors and so on. They forced me to turn myself inside out and examine crevisses of facts that look entirely different under a different light. And they turn my thoughts beyond just the content, in another direction as well....

What significance do these conversations have in my life? Its not just about the conversations, is it....its about the people connect that over time has become more and more integral to my life. As I increasingly feel cocooned, I let myself (in fact, seek to) be pushed by people out of comfort zones. People across ages, backgrounds, orientation, lifestyles, and maybe even character (though I would not like to believe that). These conversations are just mediums of connecting to life experiences....the comfort of connect, thrill of exploration, the joy of commonalities, the wonderment at the spectrums, the sly inward glances; followed always by serious thought, many questions, some conclusions, and sometimes even emotion.

This is all fine and logical, but takes me to a more disturbing place of thought - for all my stated aversion to objectifying people or getting objectifyed by people, am I tolerating subtler (and hence more dangerous) versions of the same, from others and within myself? As I look around, we seem to have started reducing even people to tick marks in a checklist. The way I react to someone who goes through the "degree/car/job/wife/washing machine/onsite assignment" list, I should probably react the same way to someone who goes through the "drinking buddy/trophy case-wife/piggy bank-husband/soul confidante-best friend/bitching colleague/bed mate - girl-boy friend" list as well! I accept that we have our needs and different elements of our life fulfil those needs, and that would include people as well. But there's a line, not a fine one but an entire fence, between letting people fill voids in our life and actually slotting them conveniently. Even the thought angers me - what sobers me is the thought that even I may end up doing this if I don't look out. And what about the ones in my life who I see doing or going towards the same, usually with others and, horror of horrors, even with me?! I think I will use my new found mantra "respond, not react" and go ahead and drive my messages over time. If the messages are taken and actioned, its a vindication that my choices in life are thinking, genuine individuals (ha ha ha ha ha!!!!). If they are not, parting may not be such sweet sorrow.

Dangerous

Its time to move various elements in the direction in which I want them to go in the long term. But comfort zones do exist, and the heart is fickle, and life is unexpected. Just three hours ago, I had asked K to understand his drivers. Do I know mine? I do, but sometimes refuse to acknowledge them, for some of those drivers are things that I want, not need. And that's dangerous, because it spells destruction, for the self and others, something that I observed in so many others as they moved down this path to death without realising it. I need to move out of this danger, hence this poem, filched from the other space I inhabit. It haunts me on this seemingly lazy Sunday evening, causing me to clench my fist in some parts, causing me to cry in some other. I am not ruthless, I am just a survivor.

Out of Danger

Heart be kind and sign the release
As the trees their loss approve.
Learn as leaves must learn to fall
Out of danger, out of love.

What belongs to frost and thaw
Sullen winter will not harm.
What belongs to wind and rain
Is out of danger from the storm.

Jealous passion, cruel need
Betray the heart they feed upon.
But what belongs to earth and death
Is out of danger from the sun.

I was cruel, I was wrong -
Hard to say and hard to know.
You do not belong to me.
You are out of danger now -

Out of danger from the wind,
Out of danger from the wave,
Out of danger from the heart
Falling, falling out of love.

- James Fenton

rap on my knuckles

I sit with silence surrounding me, a cool breeze ruffling my hair. Its 12 and its the end of another weekend. No, its not been fourth time lucky, though it was close. Could have been, though. If only I had remembered that lesson I have taught myself so many times before - never end on a low. Start with a low maybe...and then build up. But never, never, end on a low.

Anyway, Artemis Fowl awaits. Soooooo much fun. Thank god for the reliable things in life.

Good night.

The dance of perfection

Each day is another interlude as I set out, feet tapping to whatever genre of music life has decided to play for these moments, in search of perfection.

Today's instrumentals were a little warm, breezy, a little sunny, with fluffy clouds. My first step was hesitant, but I was in good hands with K. Short, pleasant yet provoking, it was ideal for the next, longer moves. Settled into wicker chairs in front of a vista of greenery, the beats moved faster. Challenges dealt with by thought through steps; unexpected discoveries that brought sudden smiles to the face; eyes furrowed, then relaxed, then furrowed again. I dont remember what all we spoke about (life, decisions, choices, careers, organizations, culture, awakenings....) but I know I learnt a lot...about R and about myself. I needed a break. Stepping onto the sidelines, I browsed through the books on display at the Strand book sale (an old favorite haunt), allowing myself to absorb the beauty of others. But one can only remain still for so long....and appropriately, it was L who brought me back to the floor in his own quiet, comforting way. Long drive, long walk, long conversation. About me, myself. About him. Current preoccupations, past baggage, future plans. A symphony so subtle that all moves felt effortless and untiring, each step yielding more energy than it used. Before I could sink to dangerous comfort levels, it was time to switch gears. A fast drive, racy music, loud, catchy, rocking. And then back home. A last conversation, that half - expected stumble after the heady moves. Ironically, with M. Again - short, provoking, disturbing.. there's so much one can do, but there's also so much one can't.

The music's toned down a bit but continues to play in the background. Tom and Jerry provides easy amusement as I look back at my four partners for the day - with fondness, and some irritation; with a lot of love, and a little anger; with a sense of comfort, and a bit of helplessness. With a lot of gratitude - for getting me this close to perfection.

survival tactics

I got appreciated today, but I didn't feel the sense of quiet contentment (or "maybe I am not that bad") that I normally do. Just felt nothing.

So I guess I am not really on the "up" swing that I thought I was. I am probably keeping my head in the ground and being absolutely occupied to prevent too much thought or emotion seeping through the surface. Its a bit like keeping a child distracted while he's being injected. By the time he loses interest in the distraction, the pain of the injection would be dimmed and he can look at the wound again.

absolutely unrelated collection of thoughts

1. "down, down, down, down....." - I went down, down, down, down....and when I hit rock bottom in the past 2-3 weeks, I am (hopefully) back on my way up, getting back on track.

2. Never, ever thought I would actually quote Sex n the City anywhere (so much pop philosophy irritates me, unless I am the source!), but last night's episodes has 2 lines that actually hit home - "why do we let the one thing we don't have affect our perceptions of everything else we do have?" and "why do we always jump to believe the worst we hear about ourselves but never the good things?"

3. Read Tuesdays with Morrie - another first. It was more of a reaffirmation of myself - I am a survivor; and I create my own culture, precedence be damned.

4. C3G - Chemistry, Comfort, Companionship and a sense of Growth. Isn't this a fabulous beginning?? Then why does the fairy tale have to crash????

Weather? or weather vane for my soul?

While I keep talking about the "glorious" weather and hows its not allowing me to work, this is actually not true at all.

Truly glorious weather means breezy days, partly cloudy/partly sunny, the brightness of gulmohar, the hint of smiles. Those days I feel cheerful and exuberant and most importantly, peaceful. That peace gives me the power (for want of a better word) to do anything I want - blissful vegetation or hectic socialising or even work!

Today's weather speaks glory in an entirely different way. Its the glory of grey skies that spread with deceptive calmness, hiding behind them the turmoil that gave birth to them. Its the glory of past sins and impending doom; the fury and the madness that precedes tears. This glory cajoles my soul into dancing on hot coals; it induces thought, and emotion...all somehow, inextricably, linked to pain. I cant work.

Three times lucky

This is the third "nice" weekend I have had and considering the roller coaster nature of daily life, I consider that quite lucky.

The first was slow, introspective, pleasurable, painful - a bit of solitude, a bit of partying, a lot of companionship.

The second was therapeutic - silent connect with strong foundations, books, movies.

And this one was...I cant find an appropriate word and will settle for "wide ranging"!

> A wide range of movies - from Fanaa (disappointing, Kajol great, some nice moments) to Da Vinci Code (boring; the book MUST be more interesting!) to X Men 3 (high voltage drama n action - great fun!) to Vaastu Shastra (2nd viewing, only the good scenes) to The Ring (watched at 1 am, surrounded by absolute silence, loved it!!)

> A wide range of people connect - from faffing with older n newer baggage (H, K); to short encounter with the online kiddo (A); to long chat with an occasional friend (Son).

> A wide range of meals (!) - from a steak n martini quickie in a packed, pulsating restaurant; to a typical pub lunch of fish n beer at my fav fp; to a long, leisurely multiple course dinner on a candle lit courtyard with the sound of trees as background music!

Missed -
People....U, D, L. Couldn't respond - Shk, Shw, Aish. Couldn't connect - sigh.
Books....old ones left pending; growing list.
House work...glass, bed, curtains.

Hence agenda for this week and the coming weekend is decided!

alive or just mad????

Thursday, 25 May.

I got depressed because of the blow to the pride caused by the lower ges scores. I laughed like a maniac at the crazy conversations with friends at work. I was irritated by being forced to act as PA to my team. I was intrigued by a short and unexpectedly positive conversation with someone i chatted with for the first time. I was upset by the changes in mood of a close friend. I watched helpless as a loved one struggled through his demons. I got involved in a project that actually set my grey cells working. And I got hugely embarassed (and panicky) at a stupid, stupid thing that I did.

So was I alive? Or was I mad??

I miss so many people today. I want to just chat and ramble.

Doomed by the demons

Two stories over the past few days - one real life (K n V) and one semi real (gangster) - propel me to feel the pain our demons inflict on love...and think about it.

Can we ever escape them? Or do they just become dormant after some time? Can they be overcome? As a romantic, I would like to believe that pure love supplies the strength to do so. But how many believe that? Its essentially our belief that drives us to survive. And how many recognise it? We spend our lives in relatioships with people who cannot provide (for want of a better word) us the strength and growth we need to defeat the demons; and ignore, for blinkered reasons, the ones who have the potential to.

These demons exist within us - the baggage and the history; the blinkers and the crisis of faith - and we end up becoming our worst enemy. Clutching to us what we want and driving away what we need.

This rational conclusion doesn't prevent me from feeling the pain; from crying at the pain of others; from laughing at the traps I knowingly step into; from clutching my body with the sheer effort it takes to just believe; from feeling helpless as I watch loved ones battle their demons, knowing that I have the answer but it's of no use unless they find it themselves.

pennies for my thoughts?

Even though I am steadily switching off at work, professional life continues to be a medium of self exploration and discovery.

My relationships, especially with my team, were viewed in a fresh light (how hackneyed can I be!) during the two days of leading edge workshop. I realized what I was doing right and I understood what I had to do more. More importantly, I figured out where I was coming from. So many of my actions are triggered by the thought of “this happened with me, I wont let it happen to my team” and this is in consonance with my feelings in my personal life as well. In both professional and personal spheres, the worst feelings I have encountered within myself have been that of loneliness and helplessness and my determination is not to let that happen to the people whose lives I do, or can, impact.

Another realization, more saddening, is that my relationships (team) still lack the depth I would ideally like them to have. I approach this with the practicality I apply to my life as a whole – one can’t have everything, it’s all a trade off – but when I think about what I really want to be, and have the potential to be, I feel sad about it. More than anything else, it is this thought that has made me determined to change the pattern of my work content and free up time. After all the arguments I have heard from Lak and Nav (and practically ignored), I finally found the most compelling one within myself. Typical of me.

Focus moved from internal me to others in the Friday offsite meeting. For the record (not that this record is being published anywhere), that was the best meeting I have ever been part of at Accenture. Watching R in action was a learning experience like no other. His control of the subject, his control of the room, the sense of inclusion, the constant thread of humor, the underlying positivism, the presence of perspective - I wish I could have video recorded that one hour performance to watch it again and again as I struggle to recall the key messages to be internalized. The ensuing discussion along with PV and RV was thought provoking in a different way. What makes some people decimate while others grow? What triggers the drive in a person as well as the self destruct button? How much of “me” is me and how much of “me’ is others? I don’t even know whether answers exist to these questions but I do know that these questions are a must to be asked, an internal checkpoint, a sort of weather vane.

And finally, this two day trip to Chn. My first visit to this centre and I am struck anew by the thought of organizational culture. The set of behaviors and practices that, day by painstaking day, builds up into something bigger and stronger that we loosely define as culture. And how this set of behaviors and actions is dictated by a myriad of influences, from individual personalities to cultural backgrounds to the physicality of the environment. In fact, do the wide corridors and large cabins of this centre have anything to do with the mess that this deal has been in since inception? Or is it the green psychedelic carpet? Colors, auras, aromas, vastu – so many areas to be explored, so much attraction. Like a beautiful young woman hidden by a veil a la music videos.

The other aspect of this visit was me. Again. My unexpected sense of alienation when I arrived there (despite the fact that this was my own organization, there were people there who I knew and who would take care of me, and the business was the same); my ability to adjust in a fresh physical space; my sense of connect with people I was meeting (and training) for the first time; my sense of challenge at conducting conversations with fresh customers who viewed me without baggage. All observed and recorded through a constant dialogue within myself. I am afraid that one day I will meet someone who can listen to this internal dialogue. And then I am gone.

More thought provoking were two conversations with Vip n Nkj, as we exchanged notes on people around us and the effect this lifestyle was having on them. Its really unusual how work, at a root concept, is meant to provide our lives with meaning and purpose and identity and yet increasingly it seems to be doing the opposite. Irrespective of the challenges we thrive on and the money we enjoy and the authority we exert, if we end up becoming someone we don’t like, is it really worth it?? Sooner or later, I find people asking this question. Some find the answer (usually a no) and then either make deep rooted changes or go into a downward spiral. Others do a cost benefit analysis of the effort involved when answering this question and choose to ignore it and go to sleep. I wonder which is wiser?

Linked to this is the thought of the balancing we do (or rather, need to do) internally. I realize that I am only scratching the surface here but the thought of this flow of positive and negative continues to fascinate me. Every single action, every single event – our work, our conversations, our food, our outing, our silences, our activities - takes something from us and gives something back. The trick is to keep it balanced…and maybe even positive….i.e., a state where you get more from life than you are putting in! I wonder how many of us reach that stage when most of our days are spent in just minimizing the negative inflow into us.

I should have more thoughts on this front, but I am shocked at how much I have written. This is probably my longest post ever. To be ended now.

Pain, relief and hope

I type this out bleary eyed in a plane seat, occasionally staring out at the grey skies, sometimes pausing to reflect how I am imitating the very action I get irritated by in others. As recent events have taught me (again), never say never.

There are jailbait like air hostesses (guest service associates?) in tight red outfits smiling pleasantly and handing out plastic goodies. People around me are absorbing the news of the day with an attention equal in intensity to the apathy they will show when finished with the papers. And I sit here typing away badly crafted sentences. I am hungry too.

And yet this normalcy on the surface makes me laugh as I contrast it with the swirl of thoughts and emotions that’s beneath it.

I can’t and don’t really want to capture the details of the past few weeks and the events that have tired me. I knew that the days were getting heavier, that I was feeling an increasing lack of control, that balls that juggled well earlier were slipping now, that I was approaching parts of my mind that had been carefully ignored so far.

But never did I realize the extent of the pain and exhaustion that had seeped my soul until I spent the last few hours with U. The sense of relief provided by his presence indicated how much I needed it, and yet hadn’t acknowledged. In a few hours, I had accomplished what would have otherwise been a life long exercise…stripping and dissecting and digging and crying and laughing.

Give me love any day. Over romance, over excitement, over sex, over adoration, over fun, over all these elements that provide us momentary relief as we struggle through our daily lives. Give me love – the purity, the security, the kindness – any day.

It has given me the strength to look at reality and wonder at the people who have dominated my mindspace for the past few days. And I smile to myself. It’s a smile of amusement, and sometimes of sadness. I remember fights, I remember animated conversations, I remember the chemistry, I remember the silences. With K, a recent whirlwind. With L, an old anchor. With Sm, a new presence.

I wonder what the future holds for me. With U’s decision, it’s actually a turning point in my life as well. I know that I have been moving towards this point for the past two years and I am mentally prepared for it. Coinciding as it does with other (equally emotional) events set in motion by M, I have a feeling this portends a far deeper, more significant shift in mindset, approach, behavior and lifestyle than even I expected. But I am prepared. In a way, the exhaustion of the soul over the past few weeks is welcome. It’s made me stronger.

I hope.

Cocoon?

For a day, just for a day, I made a bargain with God. And defied the laws of nature. I stopped time. I shut out the world and welcomed the pleasure...and the pain, from within.

I removed all context and viewed only the core of the being - the "real" person. I removed blinkers and adjusted multiple realities. I ignored the signboards of the mind and acknowledged only the signals of the eyes.

It may or may not be significant. It may or may not be right. It may or may not have implications. For once, I am not inclined to think through. Questions can be kept on hold. Right now, I will come back to reality and deal with the immediate week ahead. As will others.

After all, tomorrow's another day.

aakhir kyon??

I have no clue why I put this title...I am not wading through any existential crises neither am I submerged under the cruelties of the world. I am just in the mood to faff.

And why am I in the mood to faff?

Had a really crazy day. Had a crazy week. Am going to have a crazy fortnight. The cockroaches at work have been crawling up the skin. The loved ones are exploring their emotional demons to the fullest. The transactional issues lurk snake like beneath the surface, glittering with danger signals. The heart decides to add to the fun and drum up a storm worthy of gothic novels. The radar works...then fails...then works...then misses some signals.

Yes, I am in the mood to faff.

Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa

I would like to post about the long weekend that just passed, but there's too much to record. All I can say is that parts of it were unexpectedly turmoilish and other parts of it were unexpectedly pleasant.

I seem to have wandered unawares to a point where there are clear choices to be made - professional, personal, emotional. And most are inter linked. I could lie awake at nights thinking each option through, exploring linkages and basically constructing decision trees in my mind. Or I could pretend that I have no choices, don my blinkers until they are ripped off by circumstances. Or I could operate on a gut n luck, as described (in a deceptively simple manner) by the poem below -

A Pyshcological Tip

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.

No - not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping

-- Piet Hein

My state of mind in the coming months shall be an indication of the effectiveness of this approach. God Bless.

Bliss?

Why does bliss always reside in an atmosphere that's not now?

In the clouds of smoke, the fury of cars, the coziness of drink, its tempting to think of a blissful day - vistas of rolling green mounted by swirls of white; a cool wind on the face, a comfortable chair. A warm drink, a book that soothes the eyes when it tires of the beauty. The sound of silence amongst the living, only the trees talk. And maybe a loved one, letting you be yourself yet making you want to be your best.

But I look back and I know that this bliss is just a tangible that I yearn for, and that I have found this bliss so many times (so many lucky times) in the most unexpected of places. Terraces cooling in the summer sun.....concrete steps of a juice outlet....the impersonal unconditional comfort of a bed....the glimpse of wet trees enhanced by the smell of the wet earth....the shimmering highway with the pulsating music....the post party sweat and the tears of the early morning...the crowds against the backdrop of mountains and dry fruits sellers...the clasped hands of a loved one....

And when I look back. I see the ghosts that walk with me to this very day. Some of them are changed, some of them only exist in memory....but they lie within me. Causing me pain, bringing me comfort; loving me, consoling me.

And yes, its been bliss. I dont need to run after vistas of my imagination because I have loved. And those vistas are a reality.