L got married. Aside from the emotional impact, there was no other similarity to D's wedding, which I had enjoyed a few months earlier. But this is not about L, will save that for later.
Vicky got engaged. "Her name is Divya, she's from Mumbai, 23 years old" was the introduction. "Met on Saturday, decided on Sunday and got engaged on Monday" was the process."Congratulations" was my response on sms.
I dont really want to analyse why, but this annoucement feels like a violation of self. Its like everything I stood for, everything I felt strongly about, has just been swept aside like a dried leaf from the backyard. Its as if all the other marriages - Shefali, Aish, Venkat etc. - have been a stepping stone to this final nail in the coffin. My coffin.
What this brings to mind is a poem that recently became a favorite of mine -
Dirge without Music
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely.
CrownedWith lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,--but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love, --
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Chaos
I am sure I have posted this title sometime earlier....
What pervades my life right now is a mix of chaos, uncertainty, irritation and steely determination that would make for fascinating observation if I were not the hapless subject!
Mummy's health, doc visit etc.; Shekhar's visit, kiddo etc.; Car troubles, money etc.; L's round-the-corner marriage, work to do, bad back etc.; loads of work in office, no support system etc. --------all converging in this one week spelling MADNESS!!
I am more exhausted, physically and mentally, than I have been for a long, long time.
Strategy - keep my head down and just survive the storm. It will abate, it always does.
What pervades my life right now is a mix of chaos, uncertainty, irritation and steely determination that would make for fascinating observation if I were not the hapless subject!
Mummy's health, doc visit etc.; Shekhar's visit, kiddo etc.; Car troubles, money etc.; L's round-the-corner marriage, work to do, bad back etc.; loads of work in office, no support system etc. --------all converging in this one week spelling MADNESS!!
I am more exhausted, physically and mentally, than I have been for a long, long time.
Strategy - keep my head down and just survive the storm. It will abate, it always does.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Drive and Wedding
(I think for some reason the last part of my previous post wasn't published....am putting it down again)
Can I dare to articulate what I felt, both while standing on a hill looking at the moonlit valleys and while standing in the middle of a brightly lit reception hall filled with people? Some of the words I can use (while highly aware of their inadequacy) to describe what I felt - the immensely peaceful sense towards the end of getting the puzzle right, of seeing a glimpse of the right picture; the understanding that all moments strive to get the balance right - of chaos and harmony, of relationships within and without, of conversation using speech and silence, of material fulfilment and spiritual struggle; and the incredible feeling of wonder of how people connect.
Can I dare to articulate what I felt, both while standing on a hill looking at the moonlit valleys and while standing in the middle of a brightly lit reception hall filled with people? Some of the words I can use (while highly aware of their inadequacy) to describe what I felt - the immensely peaceful sense towards the end of getting the puzzle right, of seeing a glimpse of the right picture; the understanding that all moments strive to get the balance right - of chaos and harmony, of relationships within and without, of conversation using speech and silence, of material fulfilment and spiritual struggle; and the incredible feeling of wonder of how people connect.
Drive and Wedding
I had been meaning to post about another highlight of my Coorg trip but just wasnt able to get down to it for the past few weeks. It is strange that a seemingly unrelated event spurs me to do so now....
In the evening (in Coorg), D and I started off on a drive towards a popular tourist stop - Talcauvery (at least i think that was its name), quite apprehensive about how fruitful it would be as it was nearing dusk. It turned out to be one of the best drives I have ever had - we drove on small tarred roads that gleamed in the light falling them on them through the overhead trees, surrounded alternately by coffee estates and thick woods, traversing valleys and hills. Rarely did a vehicle pass, and even more rare was the sighting of a person except when we came upon small villages tucked away. As light faded, the silence grew until the only sound we could hear was the hum of the car and the rush of the wind. We reached the spot which is supposedly the birthplace of the Cauvery and marked by a temple. The temple was silent and empty and dark, and yet not eerie. As we walked towards the main area, we could see the glimmer of the diya and hear the tinkling of the bell as the last puja of the day was performed. In different shrines around the main pond, mute gods sat comfortably, sharing with us history and the wisdom of inner thoughts. The bell died out, the lights flickered out and there was dark softness that enveloped us. The way back was punctuated by stops at curves from where we could see the entire countryside drenched by moonlight and unmarred by signs of human conquests. It was also marked by silence as no conversation could match the simplicity and depth of what we were part of.
D's wedding - 27th April 05 - turned out to be one of the most significant events for me. I had not realised how it would be until at that moment when D & S sat down at the mantap, the priest made the final arrangements and I sensed a tear in aunty's eyes.
The two days were 48 of the most mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting hours of my life! I was the best man (read unpaid flunkey) and my duties comprised being companion to the groom, panic attacks manager, general stylist and fashion advisor, part time driver, room keys in-charge, gift process owner, lunch/dinner guide to the groom's and bride's friends and finally, doli arranger and driver. Each of these areas was of course accompanied by significant manual labor or intellectual stretch.
It would be too ambitious of me to attempt capturing the entire 2 days. As they will be satisfactorily recorded in photographs, I will satisfy myself with trying to capture the strongest impression that I carry, that of D's face, his expressions at different points - as he sat on the sofa so still with tension and overwhelming emotion that I got worried and then he asked "is the thunderstorm an omen"and for once I couldn't laugh; as he saw family dynamics and understood without being told how things often worked and how the surface could be so far from reality; as he glanced at uncle, aunty, me sometimes when he thought we weren't looking as if trying to glean something that would help him understand all of it better; as he accepted compliments with unusually graceful ease and a hint of pride; as he laughed with genuine glee as they cracked jokes on the mantap; as he would remember me in the maelstrom of activity and ensure I was occupied/being looked after; as he glowed (yes, I will not use any other word) with sheer happiness when they stood in the evening dealing with hundreds of guests and plastic smiles. At the end of the day, he was happy, so happy...it was as if a kaleidoscope of thoughts/emotions/impressions/patterns had suddenly come right.
And this is where the relation between these two times comes through, i.e the sheer impact they had on me, the provocation they provided to think and to feel.
Can I dare to articulate what I felt, both while standing on a hill looking at the moonlit valleys and while standing in the middle of a brightly lit reception hall filled with people? Some of the words I can use (while highly aware of their inadequacy) to describe what I felt - the immensely peaceful sense towards the end of getting the puzzle right, of seeing a glimpse of the right picture; the understanding that all moments strive to get the balance right - of chaos and harmony, of relationships within and without, of conversation using speech and silence, of material fulfilment and spiritual struggle; and the incredible feeling of wonder of how people connect.
In the evening (in Coorg), D and I started off on a drive towards a popular tourist stop - Talcauvery (at least i think that was its name), quite apprehensive about how fruitful it would be as it was nearing dusk. It turned out to be one of the best drives I have ever had - we drove on small tarred roads that gleamed in the light falling them on them through the overhead trees, surrounded alternately by coffee estates and thick woods, traversing valleys and hills. Rarely did a vehicle pass, and even more rare was the sighting of a person except when we came upon small villages tucked away. As light faded, the silence grew until the only sound we could hear was the hum of the car and the rush of the wind. We reached the spot which is supposedly the birthplace of the Cauvery and marked by a temple. The temple was silent and empty and dark, and yet not eerie. As we walked towards the main area, we could see the glimmer of the diya and hear the tinkling of the bell as the last puja of the day was performed. In different shrines around the main pond, mute gods sat comfortably, sharing with us history and the wisdom of inner thoughts. The bell died out, the lights flickered out and there was dark softness that enveloped us. The way back was punctuated by stops at curves from where we could see the entire countryside drenched by moonlight and unmarred by signs of human conquests. It was also marked by silence as no conversation could match the simplicity and depth of what we were part of.
D's wedding - 27th April 05 - turned out to be one of the most significant events for me. I had not realised how it would be until at that moment when D & S sat down at the mantap, the priest made the final arrangements and I sensed a tear in aunty's eyes.
The two days were 48 of the most mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting hours of my life! I was the best man (read unpaid flunkey) and my duties comprised being companion to the groom, panic attacks manager, general stylist and fashion advisor, part time driver, room keys in-charge, gift process owner, lunch/dinner guide to the groom's and bride's friends and finally, doli arranger and driver. Each of these areas was of course accompanied by significant manual labor or intellectual stretch.
It would be too ambitious of me to attempt capturing the entire 2 days. As they will be satisfactorily recorded in photographs, I will satisfy myself with trying to capture the strongest impression that I carry, that of D's face, his expressions at different points - as he sat on the sofa so still with tension and overwhelming emotion that I got worried and then he asked "is the thunderstorm an omen"and for once I couldn't laugh; as he saw family dynamics and understood without being told how things often worked and how the surface could be so far from reality; as he glanced at uncle, aunty, me sometimes when he thought we weren't looking as if trying to glean something that would help him understand all of it better; as he accepted compliments with unusually graceful ease and a hint of pride; as he laughed with genuine glee as they cracked jokes on the mantap; as he would remember me in the maelstrom of activity and ensure I was occupied/being looked after; as he glowed (yes, I will not use any other word) with sheer happiness when they stood in the evening dealing with hundreds of guests and plastic smiles. At the end of the day, he was happy, so happy...it was as if a kaleidoscope of thoughts/emotions/impressions/patterns had suddenly come right.
And this is where the relation between these two times comes through, i.e the sheer impact they had on me, the provocation they provided to think and to feel.
Can I dare to articulate what I felt, both while standing on a hill looking at the moonlit valleys and while standing in the middle of a brightly lit reception hall filled with people? Some of the words I can use (while highly aware of their inadequacy) to describe what I felt - the immensely peaceful sense towards the end of getting the puzzle right, of seeing a glimpse of the right picture; the understanding that all moments strive to get the balance right - of chaos and harmony, of relationships within and without, of conversation using speech and silence, of material fulfilment and spiritual struggle; and the incredible feeling of wonder of how people connect.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Weekend - Part 1
Just HAD to get away...thankfully D also felt the same way and we headed off to Coorg.
3 handicaps-
1. A 3 day plan had to be cut to 2 days, as D hadnt realised that he the friend's wedding he had to attend on Sunday was actually in Saturday!
2. It was so hot!! I hate the heat....sooooo non conducive to travel (I know many who disagree with me, but I stand by this, I like to travel in comfort!)
3. D had a cold n fever. His general disposition wasnt helped by the inordinate amounts of cough syrup that he kept gulping down.
I dont need to go into details of the consequences of these handicaps and my (strong) reactions!
Some highlights from the trip....
> A visit to the nearby Abby Falls provided unexpected fodder for amusement. It started with the introductory stone plaque installed near the entrance which detailed the history of the falls along with the very matter of fact statement "Several people die on the slippery rocks in these falls each year". D took a photograph to preseve this moment in posterity. Unfortunately it doesnt capture the near hysterical laughter that I succumbed to. We then moved into the trail that looked more like a Karol Bagh thoroughfare with people of all shapes, sizes, caste and creed moving to and fro chatting about practically everything under the sun (literally). Turning a corner, we finally came upon the would-be-majestic-in-the-rains-sight of the falls. Right opposite the falls is a suspension bridge over the non-existent river. This scene is drenched in sunshine and humanity. One can spend half a day on the bridge, gazing at the falls and the pool below and safely hope to complete an entire assignment on pyschology, the sea of humanity is so vast and varied. It also fuels our amusement - the bunch of pot bellied, moustached gentlemen cavorting loudly in the tiniest of briefs, staring at the gori mems; the reddy/rao family of flower-decked matrons determined for all to have a good time and scrawny, screaming children as determined to find a path to hell; the teenage romeos with reluctant juliets getting each other wet in the hope of recreating movie - like romance; the foreign mixtures of black & white with fixed smiles and ready cameras; the about-to-wed/newly-wed couples more interested in the contents of their Lays packets than conversations with each other.....all in a surreal melting pot of 50 m by 50 m size, filled with muddy green water or slimy brown rocks coated with plastic. All I wanted to ask each and everyone of them was "Why??!!"
3 handicaps-
1. A 3 day plan had to be cut to 2 days, as D hadnt realised that he the friend's wedding he had to attend on Sunday was actually in Saturday!
2. It was so hot!! I hate the heat....sooooo non conducive to travel (I know many who disagree with me, but I stand by this, I like to travel in comfort!)
3. D had a cold n fever. His general disposition wasnt helped by the inordinate amounts of cough syrup that he kept gulping down.
I dont need to go into details of the consequences of these handicaps and my (strong) reactions!
Some highlights from the trip....
> A visit to the nearby Abby Falls provided unexpected fodder for amusement. It started with the introductory stone plaque installed near the entrance which detailed the history of the falls along with the very matter of fact statement "Several people die on the slippery rocks in these falls each year". D took a photograph to preseve this moment in posterity. Unfortunately it doesnt capture the near hysterical laughter that I succumbed to. We then moved into the trail that looked more like a Karol Bagh thoroughfare with people of all shapes, sizes, caste and creed moving to and fro chatting about practically everything under the sun (literally). Turning a corner, we finally came upon the would-be-majestic-in-the-rains-sight of the falls. Right opposite the falls is a suspension bridge over the non-existent river. This scene is drenched in sunshine and humanity. One can spend half a day on the bridge, gazing at the falls and the pool below and safely hope to complete an entire assignment on pyschology, the sea of humanity is so vast and varied. It also fuels our amusement - the bunch of pot bellied, moustached gentlemen cavorting loudly in the tiniest of briefs, staring at the gori mems; the reddy/rao family of flower-decked matrons determined for all to have a good time and scrawny, screaming children as determined to find a path to hell; the teenage romeos with reluctant juliets getting each other wet in the hope of recreating movie - like romance; the foreign mixtures of black & white with fixed smiles and ready cameras; the about-to-wed/newly-wed couples more interested in the contents of their Lays packets than conversations with each other.....all in a surreal melting pot of 50 m by 50 m size, filled with muddy green water or slimy brown rocks coated with plastic. All I wanted to ask each and everyone of them was "Why??!!"
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Rainbow weekend
Violet - An evening drive with a tired, uncommunicative Vicky (he spells it Viki, like a French teenage girl)
Indigo - a lunch n movie with a thought immersed and absconding-from-home's clutches Darshan
Blue - a long catch-up-n-bitch conversation with Shweta
Green - no water in house, filling buckets through pipes and controlling visits to the loo
Yellow - a ghazal concert with Unni/Hina and a fashion show-cum-drinks party with polite conversations with Hina's colleagues
Orange - quick dinner n movie with ill, drunk flatmate
Red -a long conversation with Shekhar on positivity/vision/relationship damage
Indigo - a lunch n movie with a thought immersed and absconding-from-home's clutches Darshan
Blue - a long catch-up-n-bitch conversation with Shweta
Green - no water in house, filling buckets through pipes and controlling visits to the loo
Yellow - a ghazal concert with Unni/Hina and a fashion show-cum-drinks party with polite conversations with Hina's colleagues
Orange - quick dinner n movie with ill, drunk flatmate
Red -a long conversation with Shekhar on positivity/vision/relationship damage
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Entry/Exit criteria
Sometimes relationships which appeared to be so strong as to have become part of our DNA threaten...to sink. Early 2001 was the first such instance and it very nearly destabilized me. But today I am stronger, and whatever happens with D, I know I can handle it.
That does not make it any less saddening. People come and people go. And I believe in patterns. There must be entry and exit factors which I am unconsciously using. Will need to think through this, instead of posting off the cuff impressions.
That does not make it any less saddening. People come and people go. And I believe in patterns. There must be entry and exit factors which I am unconsciously using. Will need to think through this, instead of posting off the cuff impressions.
Movies!
Thanks to imdb message boards, I managed to compile my "top 20" hindi movies!
1. Lamhe
2. Khamoshi
3. Company
4. Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron
5. Andaz Apna Apna
6. Chaalbaaz
7. Katha
8. Mandi
9 Mr.India
10. Dil Chahta Hai
11. Jagte Raho
12. Angoor
13. Maqbool
14. Rangeela
15. Zakhm
16. Arth
17. Lagaan
18. Black
19. Hum Apke Hain Kaun
20. Abhimaan
Runners up were Satte Pe Satta, Dil Se, Lekin, Raincoat, Jhankaar Beats etc.
The real problem would be if I try to do the same for English movies....the %age of movies liked vs movies watched is much higher......and I don't remember so many movies that I have liked. But will try sometime.....
1. Lamhe
2. Khamoshi
3. Company
4. Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron
5. Andaz Apna Apna
6. Chaalbaaz
7. Katha
8. Mandi
9 Mr.India
10. Dil Chahta Hai
11. Jagte Raho
12. Angoor
13. Maqbool
14. Rangeela
15. Zakhm
16. Arth
17. Lagaan
18. Black
19. Hum Apke Hain Kaun
20. Abhimaan
Runners up were Satte Pe Satta, Dil Se, Lekin, Raincoat, Jhankaar Beats etc.
The real problem would be if I try to do the same for English movies....the %age of movies liked vs movies watched is much higher......and I don't remember so many movies that I have liked. But will try sometime.....
Thanks to imdb message boards, I managed to compile my "top 20" hindi movies!
1. Lamhe
2. Khamoshi
3. Company
4. Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron
5. Andaz Apna Apna
6. Chaalbaaz
7. Katha
8. Mandi
9 Mr.India
10. Dil Chahta Hai
11. Jagte Raho
12. Angoor
13. Maqbool
14. Rangeela
15. Zakhm
16. Arth
17. Lagaan
18. Black
19. Hum Apke Hain Kaun
20. Abhimaan
Runners up were Satte Pe Satta, Dil Se, Lekin, Raincoat, Jhankaar Beats etc.
The real problem would be if I try to do the same for English movies....the %age of movies liked vs movies watched is much higher......and I don't remember so many movies that I have liked. But will try sometime.....
1. Lamhe
2. Khamoshi
3. Company
4. Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron
5. Andaz Apna Apna
6. Chaalbaaz
7. Katha
8. Mandi
9 Mr.India
10. Dil Chahta Hai
11. Jagte Raho
12. Angoor
13. Maqbool
14. Rangeela
15. Zakhm
16. Arth
17. Lagaan
18. Black
19. Hum Apke Hain Kaun
20. Abhimaan
Runners up were Satte Pe Satta, Dil Se, Lekin, Raincoat, Jhankaar Beats etc.
The real problem would be if I try to do the same for English movies....the %age of movies liked vs movies watched is much higher......and I don't remember so many movies that I have liked. But will try sometime.....
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
superstitious me
just yesterday i was thinking that the past 5-6 days have been unexpectedly pleasant. and today have gotten up feeling incredibly woozy n sickish. cant even take off from work as there are critical activities lined up for these three days, none of which can be pushed to the next week.
am currently drowning in pleasurable self pity. would be more pleasurable if there were an audience. sigh. missing nanima.
am currently drowning in pleasurable self pity. would be more pleasurable if there were an audience. sigh. missing nanima.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Sunday bliss
A blissful Sunday is rare, as it should be.
The bittersweet taste of Friday melted into pleasurable lethargy by the time Sunday dawned. House and car cleaned, I sniff without sneezing. An hour of the most hilarious Will n Grace episodes I have seen in a long time. A leisurely lunch, a reaffirmation of relationships. Visits to old haunts, places and memories. Hours at the bookstore, catch up on hollywood gossip and new launches. An evening with 6 magazines and one scandalous/funny book. TV induced vegetation. Start a new murder mystery. Sleep on time.
This rare blissful Sunday is now recorded for posterity.
The bittersweet taste of Friday melted into pleasurable lethargy by the time Sunday dawned. House and car cleaned, I sniff without sneezing. An hour of the most hilarious Will n Grace episodes I have seen in a long time. A leisurely lunch, a reaffirmation of relationships. Visits to old haunts, places and memories. Hours at the bookstore, catch up on hollywood gossip and new launches. An evening with 6 magazines and one scandalous/funny book. TV induced vegetation. Start a new murder mystery. Sleep on time.
This rare blissful Sunday is now recorded for posterity.
Friday, February 11, 2005
another mixed week.....
i wonder why i find it irritating that the past week has been so mixed?? thats natural, isnt it...considering the mad roller coasters that we are all perched on? then why this compelling need to find patterns and themes?
anyway, my moods/thoughts/emotions itself have oscillated between happiness/wistfulness/discomfort/introspection/worry/irritation/anger/amusement/cynicism/optimism all this week. no wonder i have a sense of feeling tired....but yes, i admit, a sense of being alive too.
i think the way i have used so many words with slashes in the previous paragraphs is a shameful testimonial to my fast declining writing capabilities. posts on other blogs that i read- bridalbeer, divigate, simplesimon - make me blush with their control of imagery, flow of thoughts and perspectives. and here i am, sinking deeper and deeper into the quicksand of corporate mediocrity.
how many times will i use the word "quicksand"?????? aaaaarrrrrghhhhh!!! i am not only irritated with a lot of other people, most recent being vicky and lakshmi (talk about disparate external locii of control!) but with myself too.
i shall forward to a weekend of books, movies and card parties. note, not conversations. i dont think i want to discuss all of this...mainly because i dont think it makes a shit of a difference to anyone anymore.
anyway, my moods/thoughts/emotions itself have oscillated between happiness/wistfulness/discomfort/introspection/worry/irritation/anger/amusement/cynicism/optimism all this week. no wonder i have a sense of feeling tired....but yes, i admit, a sense of being alive too.
i think the way i have used so many words with slashes in the previous paragraphs is a shameful testimonial to my fast declining writing capabilities. posts on other blogs that i read- bridalbeer, divigate, simplesimon - make me blush with their control of imagery, flow of thoughts and perspectives. and here i am, sinking deeper and deeper into the quicksand of corporate mediocrity.
how many times will i use the word "quicksand"?????? aaaaarrrrrghhhhh!!! i am not only irritated with a lot of other people, most recent being vicky and lakshmi (talk about disparate external locii of control!) but with myself too.
i shall forward to a weekend of books, movies and card parties. note, not conversations. i dont think i want to discuss all of this...mainly because i dont think it makes a shit of a difference to anyone anymore.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Bittersweet
Yesterday was actually a good day. A deck which we had made on attrition and were very apprehensive about, was liked by Lakshmi. Darshan got promoted. And I got a sincere appreciation on mail from our business lead, Ashish for the initiative I am currently running.
However, its rare nowdays that anything provides undiluted joy. The bittersweet nature of this day is derived from my essential sense of discomfort with the way this system of recognition works. From my perspective, I have done a lot of good work which has been very effective at the ground level. But because its very basic level work, which is not branded and neither is a quick win, it doesnt win the kind of recognition that a high-visibility "project" like DSI does. What a silly thing it is - I am proud of "A", but I get recognised for "B". My desire for this to converge could be idealism or arrogance (not that there is too much difference between the two). I guess I just need to be practical, and look at it from the pov that at least i got recognised.
However, its rare nowdays that anything provides undiluted joy. The bittersweet nature of this day is derived from my essential sense of discomfort with the way this system of recognition works. From my perspective, I have done a lot of good work which has been very effective at the ground level. But because its very basic level work, which is not branded and neither is a quick win, it doesnt win the kind of recognition that a high-visibility "project" like DSI does. What a silly thing it is - I am proud of "A", but I get recognised for "B". My desire for this to converge could be idealism or arrogance (not that there is too much difference between the two). I guess I just need to be practical, and look at it from the pov that at least i got recognised.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Poems
I find it interesting how different poems evoke a different kind of approach, including...
> poems which you read quickly and think "how nice"...and then a word or a phrase catches your eye (mind's eye?!) and you go "hmm....thats interesting" and then you read it again and the entire meaning moves to the next, deeper level and you realise the poem is an onion
> poems which have a unique perspective to offer depending on what stage of life or mental state you read them in. These poems say something when you are 22 and something totally different at 29. On hindsight, such poems often leave behind a debate on the credibility of the poet. Did he have something to say or was he just a convenient "facilitator"?
> poems which directly touch you, which make their words just a vehicle to make you feel something. In such poems analysis usually yields nothing unique about the usage of phrase or setting of the composition; instead the reaction needs to be completely instinctive. The suspicion on credibility is now reversed, you don't trust yourself after such poems, after all you can't really make out why the hell you have got so affected by something that doesn't actually appear that good.
> poems which make you smile (pleasant reading), while there is a funny feeling in your stomach. Your smile then thins a little as memories flood back ("my memory serves me far too well") and at that moment, you hate the poet, because he has delivered a punch with a smile. Its the Karan Johar brand of movies - no achievement in terms of cinematic excellence but make an impact as he touches the right chords.
I know 2 people who write poetry..
L's output (what an awful word) falls into the third category, but not consistently so. He needs to read more to learn to differentiate quality from mediocrity.
Vicky's is often the last category, which is probably why I have a bitter sweet relationship with him. His persona and his poems often evoke mixed reactions in me.
His most recent creation....
"Kabhi chahat ka tha haseen sama,
Kabhi mohabbat ki hava chali.
Is tan to kabhi chhua tha tumne,
Saath guzaare the suhaane pal kabhi.
Mausam badle kyun hamein ilm nahin,
Aksar sochte hain kya khata ham se hui kahin"
(Disclaimer : I also find this pontification quite silly, as if I am a connoiseur of poetry or something)
> poems which you read quickly and think "how nice"...and then a word or a phrase catches your eye (mind's eye?!) and you go "hmm....thats interesting" and then you read it again and the entire meaning moves to the next, deeper level and you realise the poem is an onion
> poems which have a unique perspective to offer depending on what stage of life or mental state you read them in. These poems say something when you are 22 and something totally different at 29. On hindsight, such poems often leave behind a debate on the credibility of the poet. Did he have something to say or was he just a convenient "facilitator"?
> poems which directly touch you, which make their words just a vehicle to make you feel something. In such poems analysis usually yields nothing unique about the usage of phrase or setting of the composition; instead the reaction needs to be completely instinctive. The suspicion on credibility is now reversed, you don't trust yourself after such poems, after all you can't really make out why the hell you have got so affected by something that doesn't actually appear that good.
> poems which make you smile (pleasant reading), while there is a funny feeling in your stomach. Your smile then thins a little as memories flood back ("my memory serves me far too well") and at that moment, you hate the poet, because he has delivered a punch with a smile. Its the Karan Johar brand of movies - no achievement in terms of cinematic excellence but make an impact as he touches the right chords.
I know 2 people who write poetry..
L's output (what an awful word) falls into the third category, but not consistently so. He needs to read more to learn to differentiate quality from mediocrity.
Vicky's is often the last category, which is probably why I have a bitter sweet relationship with him. His persona and his poems often evoke mixed reactions in me.
His most recent creation....
"Kabhi chahat ka tha haseen sama,
Kabhi mohabbat ki hava chali.
Is tan to kabhi chhua tha tumne,
Saath guzaare the suhaane pal kabhi.
Mausam badle kyun hamein ilm nahin,
Aksar sochte hain kya khata ham se hui kahin"
(Disclaimer : I also find this pontification quite silly, as if I am a connoiseur of poetry or something)
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Make or Break
Am uncharacteristically mentally unprepared for the week ahead. Tension at work - an audit that will most certainly throw up unwanted Reds, and launch of initiatives that could just flop. In personal life too, cow webs havent cleared. Hence, had a bad weekend.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Back on Top?
After the low last week, have somehow dragged myself to the surface....
> The weekend and yesterday (which was also off) were spent in being out and having a good time....movies, dinners, friends coming over etc. etc. Have kept my mind occupied.
> Have cleared things with L, which is SUCH A RELIEF.
> Sidharth had a baby....and i am VERY HAPPY.
I am thankful for these moments of relief and joy, because a lot of other aspects continue to be dark grey. Darshan....Hina...Vicky...Unni...Mummy.- all keep playing on my mind for different reasons, either for the uncertainty factor, or the pain factor, or both. I hope the cow webs clear soon.
> The weekend and yesterday (which was also off) were spent in being out and having a good time....movies, dinners, friends coming over etc. etc. Have kept my mind occupied.
> Have cleared things with L, which is SUCH A RELIEF.
> Sidharth had a baby....and i am VERY HAPPY.
I am thankful for these moments of relief and joy, because a lot of other aspects continue to be dark grey. Darshan....Hina...Vicky...Unni...Mummy.- all keep playing on my mind for different reasons, either for the uncertainty factor, or the pain factor, or both. I hope the cow webs clear soon.
Monday, January 17, 2005
Positivity and Acidity
3 day weekend...madness, laughter, silence and positivity.
And now the week.....acidity, irritation and anger....anger at people's inconsistency between thought - emotion - words - action.....their silliness at being myopic....their malice towards colleagues and ex-friends....their inability to get out of corners they have painted themselves into....
Fuck. Hitting the low now.
And now the week.....acidity, irritation and anger....anger at people's inconsistency between thought - emotion - words - action.....their silliness at being myopic....their malice towards colleagues and ex-friends....their inability to get out of corners they have painted themselves into....
Fuck. Hitting the low now.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Excerpts from the blog posted on 3rd Jan 2004 :
"The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix? Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe.
For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!"
Thoughts -
> The prediction was right...2004 was a mix, a frenetic, chaotic, delicious mix of experiences and thoughts, with emotions being kept more or less on the backburner.
> The resolution did not work out, as resolutions are generally wont to....."a good mix of indulgence and caution" was not how I led the year!!
> Key "milesontes"- 3 weddings (Dolly, Venkat, Shweta), 5 new friends (Shweta, Venkat, Saurabh, Mohit, Hina), 3 trips (Dhaka, Ooty, Pondicherry), 1 promotion, a lot of parties/photographs/dinners/work output.
> To-do list for 2005 -
(a) Spend less money
(b) Keep weight in control
(c) Start teaching as Visiting Faculty in local colleges
(d) Move to Delhi
(e) Visit Kerala
"The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix? Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe.
For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!"
Thoughts -
> The prediction was right...2004 was a mix, a frenetic, chaotic, delicious mix of experiences and thoughts, with emotions being kept more or less on the backburner.
> The resolution did not work out, as resolutions are generally wont to....."a good mix of indulgence and caution" was not how I led the year!!
> Key "milesontes"- 3 weddings (Dolly, Venkat, Shweta), 5 new friends (Shweta, Venkat, Saurabh, Mohit, Hina), 3 trips (Dhaka, Ooty, Pondicherry), 1 promotion, a lot of parties/photographs/dinners/work output.
> To-do list for 2005 -
(a) Spend less money
(b) Keep weight in control
(c) Start teaching as Visiting Faculty in local colleges
(d) Move to Delhi
(e) Visit Kerala
Set the tone
I am incredibly superstitious about this time....
While I consider the accomanying celebrations as pure frivolous, forced madness, I do consider it as an opportunity to pause and reflect upon the past and define some plans/objectives for the future. Yes, we can do this anytime...but caught as we are in our frenetic, chaotic lives, we don't, do we?
Anyway, I usually try to ensure that the first few days of the year starting 12am, 1st Jan pass such that they set the right tone for the rest of the year. This time...
> had wine and chocolate exactly at 12 am!
> had good, pleasant conversation on 31st eve-1st...
> spent a quiet, relaxed weekend, deliberately avoided reaching out to people and instead spent time alone
> read a fun filled, pacy book...saw 3 movies, two old favorites and one new
Hope this works the trick. Will do a status check in Dec 2005.
While I consider the accomanying celebrations as pure frivolous, forced madness, I do consider it as an opportunity to pause and reflect upon the past and define some plans/objectives for the future. Yes, we can do this anytime...but caught as we are in our frenetic, chaotic lives, we don't, do we?
Anyway, I usually try to ensure that the first few days of the year starting 12am, 1st Jan pass such that they set the right tone for the rest of the year. This time...
> had wine and chocolate exactly at 12 am!
> had good, pleasant conversation on 31st eve-1st...
> spent a quiet, relaxed weekend, deliberately avoided reaching out to people and instead spent time alone
> read a fun filled, pacy book...saw 3 movies, two old favorites and one new
Hope this works the trick. Will do a status check in Dec 2005.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Decimation
The vagueness of last week has morphed into a very clear theme for this week - sadness and irritation....
> The characters in Raincoat, who scare you because you recognise them
> The natural disaster that caught everyone by surprise. How does one deal with the loss of 25000 people at one go? Is there a reason??? None.
> Grown men who have stopped growing...decimation of character, of skills. Reduced to blubbering idiots through romance/family demands/inner conflicts/general craziness etc. etc.
> The characters in Raincoat, who scare you because you recognise them
> The natural disaster that caught everyone by surprise. How does one deal with the loss of 25000 people at one go? Is there a reason??? None.
> Grown men who have stopped growing...decimation of character, of skills. Reduced to blubbering idiots through romance/family demands/inner conflicts/general craziness etc. etc.
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