Sometimes relationships which appeared to be so strong as to have become part of our DNA threaten...to sink. Early 2001 was the first such instance and it very nearly destabilized me. But today I am stronger, and whatever happens with D, I know I can handle it.
That does not make it any less saddening. People come and people go. And I believe in patterns. There must be entry and exit factors which I am unconsciously using. Will need to think through this, instead of posting off the cuff impressions.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Movies!
Thanks to imdb message boards, I managed to compile my "top 20" hindi movies!
1. Lamhe
2. Khamoshi
3. Company
4. Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron
5. Andaz Apna Apna
6. Chaalbaaz
7. Katha
8. Mandi
9 Mr.India
10. Dil Chahta Hai
11. Jagte Raho
12. Angoor
13. Maqbool
14. Rangeela
15. Zakhm
16. Arth
17. Lagaan
18. Black
19. Hum Apke Hain Kaun
20. Abhimaan
Runners up were Satte Pe Satta, Dil Se, Lekin, Raincoat, Jhankaar Beats etc.
The real problem would be if I try to do the same for English movies....the %age of movies liked vs movies watched is much higher......and I don't remember so many movies that I have liked. But will try sometime.....
1. Lamhe
2. Khamoshi
3. Company
4. Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron
5. Andaz Apna Apna
6. Chaalbaaz
7. Katha
8. Mandi
9 Mr.India
10. Dil Chahta Hai
11. Jagte Raho
12. Angoor
13. Maqbool
14. Rangeela
15. Zakhm
16. Arth
17. Lagaan
18. Black
19. Hum Apke Hain Kaun
20. Abhimaan
Runners up were Satte Pe Satta, Dil Se, Lekin, Raincoat, Jhankaar Beats etc.
The real problem would be if I try to do the same for English movies....the %age of movies liked vs movies watched is much higher......and I don't remember so many movies that I have liked. But will try sometime.....
Thanks to imdb message boards, I managed to compile my "top 20" hindi movies!
1. Lamhe
2. Khamoshi
3. Company
4. Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron
5. Andaz Apna Apna
6. Chaalbaaz
7. Katha
8. Mandi
9 Mr.India
10. Dil Chahta Hai
11. Jagte Raho
12. Angoor
13. Maqbool
14. Rangeela
15. Zakhm
16. Arth
17. Lagaan
18. Black
19. Hum Apke Hain Kaun
20. Abhimaan
Runners up were Satte Pe Satta, Dil Se, Lekin, Raincoat, Jhankaar Beats etc.
The real problem would be if I try to do the same for English movies....the %age of movies liked vs movies watched is much higher......and I don't remember so many movies that I have liked. But will try sometime.....
1. Lamhe
2. Khamoshi
3. Company
4. Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron
5. Andaz Apna Apna
6. Chaalbaaz
7. Katha
8. Mandi
9 Mr.India
10. Dil Chahta Hai
11. Jagte Raho
12. Angoor
13. Maqbool
14. Rangeela
15. Zakhm
16. Arth
17. Lagaan
18. Black
19. Hum Apke Hain Kaun
20. Abhimaan
Runners up were Satte Pe Satta, Dil Se, Lekin, Raincoat, Jhankaar Beats etc.
The real problem would be if I try to do the same for English movies....the %age of movies liked vs movies watched is much higher......and I don't remember so many movies that I have liked. But will try sometime.....
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
superstitious me
just yesterday i was thinking that the past 5-6 days have been unexpectedly pleasant. and today have gotten up feeling incredibly woozy n sickish. cant even take off from work as there are critical activities lined up for these three days, none of which can be pushed to the next week.
am currently drowning in pleasurable self pity. would be more pleasurable if there were an audience. sigh. missing nanima.
am currently drowning in pleasurable self pity. would be more pleasurable if there were an audience. sigh. missing nanima.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Sunday bliss
A blissful Sunday is rare, as it should be.
The bittersweet taste of Friday melted into pleasurable lethargy by the time Sunday dawned. House and car cleaned, I sniff without sneezing. An hour of the most hilarious Will n Grace episodes I have seen in a long time. A leisurely lunch, a reaffirmation of relationships. Visits to old haunts, places and memories. Hours at the bookstore, catch up on hollywood gossip and new launches. An evening with 6 magazines and one scandalous/funny book. TV induced vegetation. Start a new murder mystery. Sleep on time.
This rare blissful Sunday is now recorded for posterity.
The bittersweet taste of Friday melted into pleasurable lethargy by the time Sunday dawned. House and car cleaned, I sniff without sneezing. An hour of the most hilarious Will n Grace episodes I have seen in a long time. A leisurely lunch, a reaffirmation of relationships. Visits to old haunts, places and memories. Hours at the bookstore, catch up on hollywood gossip and new launches. An evening with 6 magazines and one scandalous/funny book. TV induced vegetation. Start a new murder mystery. Sleep on time.
This rare blissful Sunday is now recorded for posterity.
Friday, February 11, 2005
another mixed week.....
i wonder why i find it irritating that the past week has been so mixed?? thats natural, isnt it...considering the mad roller coasters that we are all perched on? then why this compelling need to find patterns and themes?
anyway, my moods/thoughts/emotions itself have oscillated between happiness/wistfulness/discomfort/introspection/worry/irritation/anger/amusement/cynicism/optimism all this week. no wonder i have a sense of feeling tired....but yes, i admit, a sense of being alive too.
i think the way i have used so many words with slashes in the previous paragraphs is a shameful testimonial to my fast declining writing capabilities. posts on other blogs that i read- bridalbeer, divigate, simplesimon - make me blush with their control of imagery, flow of thoughts and perspectives. and here i am, sinking deeper and deeper into the quicksand of corporate mediocrity.
how many times will i use the word "quicksand"?????? aaaaarrrrrghhhhh!!! i am not only irritated with a lot of other people, most recent being vicky and lakshmi (talk about disparate external locii of control!) but with myself too.
i shall forward to a weekend of books, movies and card parties. note, not conversations. i dont think i want to discuss all of this...mainly because i dont think it makes a shit of a difference to anyone anymore.
anyway, my moods/thoughts/emotions itself have oscillated between happiness/wistfulness/discomfort/introspection/worry/irritation/anger/amusement/cynicism/optimism all this week. no wonder i have a sense of feeling tired....but yes, i admit, a sense of being alive too.
i think the way i have used so many words with slashes in the previous paragraphs is a shameful testimonial to my fast declining writing capabilities. posts on other blogs that i read- bridalbeer, divigate, simplesimon - make me blush with their control of imagery, flow of thoughts and perspectives. and here i am, sinking deeper and deeper into the quicksand of corporate mediocrity.
how many times will i use the word "quicksand"?????? aaaaarrrrrghhhhh!!! i am not only irritated with a lot of other people, most recent being vicky and lakshmi (talk about disparate external locii of control!) but with myself too.
i shall forward to a weekend of books, movies and card parties. note, not conversations. i dont think i want to discuss all of this...mainly because i dont think it makes a shit of a difference to anyone anymore.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Bittersweet
Yesterday was actually a good day. A deck which we had made on attrition and were very apprehensive about, was liked by Lakshmi. Darshan got promoted. And I got a sincere appreciation on mail from our business lead, Ashish for the initiative I am currently running.
However, its rare nowdays that anything provides undiluted joy. The bittersweet nature of this day is derived from my essential sense of discomfort with the way this system of recognition works. From my perspective, I have done a lot of good work which has been very effective at the ground level. But because its very basic level work, which is not branded and neither is a quick win, it doesnt win the kind of recognition that a high-visibility "project" like DSI does. What a silly thing it is - I am proud of "A", but I get recognised for "B". My desire for this to converge could be idealism or arrogance (not that there is too much difference between the two). I guess I just need to be practical, and look at it from the pov that at least i got recognised.
However, its rare nowdays that anything provides undiluted joy. The bittersweet nature of this day is derived from my essential sense of discomfort with the way this system of recognition works. From my perspective, I have done a lot of good work which has been very effective at the ground level. But because its very basic level work, which is not branded and neither is a quick win, it doesnt win the kind of recognition that a high-visibility "project" like DSI does. What a silly thing it is - I am proud of "A", but I get recognised for "B". My desire for this to converge could be idealism or arrogance (not that there is too much difference between the two). I guess I just need to be practical, and look at it from the pov that at least i got recognised.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Poems
I find it interesting how different poems evoke a different kind of approach, including...
> poems which you read quickly and think "how nice"...and then a word or a phrase catches your eye (mind's eye?!) and you go "hmm....thats interesting" and then you read it again and the entire meaning moves to the next, deeper level and you realise the poem is an onion
> poems which have a unique perspective to offer depending on what stage of life or mental state you read them in. These poems say something when you are 22 and something totally different at 29. On hindsight, such poems often leave behind a debate on the credibility of the poet. Did he have something to say or was he just a convenient "facilitator"?
> poems which directly touch you, which make their words just a vehicle to make you feel something. In such poems analysis usually yields nothing unique about the usage of phrase or setting of the composition; instead the reaction needs to be completely instinctive. The suspicion on credibility is now reversed, you don't trust yourself after such poems, after all you can't really make out why the hell you have got so affected by something that doesn't actually appear that good.
> poems which make you smile (pleasant reading), while there is a funny feeling in your stomach. Your smile then thins a little as memories flood back ("my memory serves me far too well") and at that moment, you hate the poet, because he has delivered a punch with a smile. Its the Karan Johar brand of movies - no achievement in terms of cinematic excellence but make an impact as he touches the right chords.
I know 2 people who write poetry..
L's output (what an awful word) falls into the third category, but not consistently so. He needs to read more to learn to differentiate quality from mediocrity.
Vicky's is often the last category, which is probably why I have a bitter sweet relationship with him. His persona and his poems often evoke mixed reactions in me.
His most recent creation....
"Kabhi chahat ka tha haseen sama,
Kabhi mohabbat ki hava chali.
Is tan to kabhi chhua tha tumne,
Saath guzaare the suhaane pal kabhi.
Mausam badle kyun hamein ilm nahin,
Aksar sochte hain kya khata ham se hui kahin"
(Disclaimer : I also find this pontification quite silly, as if I am a connoiseur of poetry or something)
> poems which you read quickly and think "how nice"...and then a word or a phrase catches your eye (mind's eye?!) and you go "hmm....thats interesting" and then you read it again and the entire meaning moves to the next, deeper level and you realise the poem is an onion
> poems which have a unique perspective to offer depending on what stage of life or mental state you read them in. These poems say something when you are 22 and something totally different at 29. On hindsight, such poems often leave behind a debate on the credibility of the poet. Did he have something to say or was he just a convenient "facilitator"?
> poems which directly touch you, which make their words just a vehicle to make you feel something. In such poems analysis usually yields nothing unique about the usage of phrase or setting of the composition; instead the reaction needs to be completely instinctive. The suspicion on credibility is now reversed, you don't trust yourself after such poems, after all you can't really make out why the hell you have got so affected by something that doesn't actually appear that good.
> poems which make you smile (pleasant reading), while there is a funny feeling in your stomach. Your smile then thins a little as memories flood back ("my memory serves me far too well") and at that moment, you hate the poet, because he has delivered a punch with a smile. Its the Karan Johar brand of movies - no achievement in terms of cinematic excellence but make an impact as he touches the right chords.
I know 2 people who write poetry..
L's output (what an awful word) falls into the third category, but not consistently so. He needs to read more to learn to differentiate quality from mediocrity.
Vicky's is often the last category, which is probably why I have a bitter sweet relationship with him. His persona and his poems often evoke mixed reactions in me.
His most recent creation....
"Kabhi chahat ka tha haseen sama,
Kabhi mohabbat ki hava chali.
Is tan to kabhi chhua tha tumne,
Saath guzaare the suhaane pal kabhi.
Mausam badle kyun hamein ilm nahin,
Aksar sochte hain kya khata ham se hui kahin"
(Disclaimer : I also find this pontification quite silly, as if I am a connoiseur of poetry or something)
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Make or Break
Am uncharacteristically mentally unprepared for the week ahead. Tension at work - an audit that will most certainly throw up unwanted Reds, and launch of initiatives that could just flop. In personal life too, cow webs havent cleared. Hence, had a bad weekend.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Back on Top?
After the low last week, have somehow dragged myself to the surface....
> The weekend and yesterday (which was also off) were spent in being out and having a good time....movies, dinners, friends coming over etc. etc. Have kept my mind occupied.
> Have cleared things with L, which is SUCH A RELIEF.
> Sidharth had a baby....and i am VERY HAPPY.
I am thankful for these moments of relief and joy, because a lot of other aspects continue to be dark grey. Darshan....Hina...Vicky...Unni...Mummy.- all keep playing on my mind for different reasons, either for the uncertainty factor, or the pain factor, or both. I hope the cow webs clear soon.
> The weekend and yesterday (which was also off) were spent in being out and having a good time....movies, dinners, friends coming over etc. etc. Have kept my mind occupied.
> Have cleared things with L, which is SUCH A RELIEF.
> Sidharth had a baby....and i am VERY HAPPY.
I am thankful for these moments of relief and joy, because a lot of other aspects continue to be dark grey. Darshan....Hina...Vicky...Unni...Mummy.- all keep playing on my mind for different reasons, either for the uncertainty factor, or the pain factor, or both. I hope the cow webs clear soon.
Monday, January 17, 2005
Positivity and Acidity
3 day weekend...madness, laughter, silence and positivity.
And now the week.....acidity, irritation and anger....anger at people's inconsistency between thought - emotion - words - action.....their silliness at being myopic....their malice towards colleagues and ex-friends....their inability to get out of corners they have painted themselves into....
Fuck. Hitting the low now.
And now the week.....acidity, irritation and anger....anger at people's inconsistency between thought - emotion - words - action.....their silliness at being myopic....their malice towards colleagues and ex-friends....their inability to get out of corners they have painted themselves into....
Fuck. Hitting the low now.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Excerpts from the blog posted on 3rd Jan 2004 :
"The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix? Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe.
For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!"
Thoughts -
> The prediction was right...2004 was a mix, a frenetic, chaotic, delicious mix of experiences and thoughts, with emotions being kept more or less on the backburner.
> The resolution did not work out, as resolutions are generally wont to....."a good mix of indulgence and caution" was not how I led the year!!
> Key "milesontes"- 3 weddings (Dolly, Venkat, Shweta), 5 new friends (Shweta, Venkat, Saurabh, Mohit, Hina), 3 trips (Dhaka, Ooty, Pondicherry), 1 promotion, a lot of parties/photographs/dinners/work output.
> To-do list for 2005 -
(a) Spend less money
(b) Keep weight in control
(c) Start teaching as Visiting Faculty in local colleges
(d) Move to Delhi
(e) Visit Kerala
"The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix? Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe.
For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!"
Thoughts -
> The prediction was right...2004 was a mix, a frenetic, chaotic, delicious mix of experiences and thoughts, with emotions being kept more or less on the backburner.
> The resolution did not work out, as resolutions are generally wont to....."a good mix of indulgence and caution" was not how I led the year!!
> Key "milesontes"- 3 weddings (Dolly, Venkat, Shweta), 5 new friends (Shweta, Venkat, Saurabh, Mohit, Hina), 3 trips (Dhaka, Ooty, Pondicherry), 1 promotion, a lot of parties/photographs/dinners/work output.
> To-do list for 2005 -
(a) Spend less money
(b) Keep weight in control
(c) Start teaching as Visiting Faculty in local colleges
(d) Move to Delhi
(e) Visit Kerala
Set the tone
I am incredibly superstitious about this time....
While I consider the accomanying celebrations as pure frivolous, forced madness, I do consider it as an opportunity to pause and reflect upon the past and define some plans/objectives for the future. Yes, we can do this anytime...but caught as we are in our frenetic, chaotic lives, we don't, do we?
Anyway, I usually try to ensure that the first few days of the year starting 12am, 1st Jan pass such that they set the right tone for the rest of the year. This time...
> had wine and chocolate exactly at 12 am!
> had good, pleasant conversation on 31st eve-1st...
> spent a quiet, relaxed weekend, deliberately avoided reaching out to people and instead spent time alone
> read a fun filled, pacy book...saw 3 movies, two old favorites and one new
Hope this works the trick. Will do a status check in Dec 2005.
While I consider the accomanying celebrations as pure frivolous, forced madness, I do consider it as an opportunity to pause and reflect upon the past and define some plans/objectives for the future. Yes, we can do this anytime...but caught as we are in our frenetic, chaotic lives, we don't, do we?
Anyway, I usually try to ensure that the first few days of the year starting 12am, 1st Jan pass such that they set the right tone for the rest of the year. This time...
> had wine and chocolate exactly at 12 am!
> had good, pleasant conversation on 31st eve-1st...
> spent a quiet, relaxed weekend, deliberately avoided reaching out to people and instead spent time alone
> read a fun filled, pacy book...saw 3 movies, two old favorites and one new
Hope this works the trick. Will do a status check in Dec 2005.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Decimation
The vagueness of last week has morphed into a very clear theme for this week - sadness and irritation....
> The characters in Raincoat, who scare you because you recognise them
> The natural disaster that caught everyone by surprise. How does one deal with the loss of 25000 people at one go? Is there a reason??? None.
> Grown men who have stopped growing...decimation of character, of skills. Reduced to blubbering idiots through romance/family demands/inner conflicts/general craziness etc. etc.
> The characters in Raincoat, who scare you because you recognise them
> The natural disaster that caught everyone by surprise. How does one deal with the loss of 25000 people at one go? Is there a reason??? None.
> Grown men who have stopped growing...decimation of character, of skills. Reduced to blubbering idiots through romance/family demands/inner conflicts/general craziness etc. etc.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Floating
I cannot identify any defining characteristic for last week.....in fact, if I have to remember the week and myself in it, the primary sensation is one of floating
Not really sure what I am feeling....what state of mind I am in.....what am I aiming it, what I am avoiding....who plays what role in my life....what's the future of the traditionally central players (Darshan....L...)....who from the periphery will move in (Vicky...Hina..Harneet...)...
The weekend was good.....a great movie (Swades), 2 great DVDs, a pacy book read at one go (Never Tear Us Apart), long chats with Shweta and Unni, a full 8-hours sleep, the house cleaned up, a Sunday morning at Coffee Day with newspapers and tea. Aah!
Upcoming - the Christmas weekend (hopefully I will get to try out some of the new eating joints) and the scheduled New Year weekend's trip. I can see plenty of opportunities that will force me out of the current state of ambiguity, into hopefully not-too-extreme states of mind.
Life rocks.
Not really sure what I am feeling....what state of mind I am in.....what am I aiming it, what I am avoiding....who plays what role in my life....what's the future of the traditionally central players (Darshan....L...)....who from the periphery will move in (Vicky...Hina..Harneet...)...
The weekend was good.....a great movie (Swades), 2 great DVDs, a pacy book read at one go (Never Tear Us Apart), long chats with Shweta and Unni, a full 8-hours sleep, the house cleaned up, a Sunday morning at Coffee Day with newspapers and tea. Aah!
Upcoming - the Christmas weekend (hopefully I will get to try out some of the new eating joints) and the scheduled New Year weekend's trip. I can see plenty of opportunities that will force me out of the current state of ambiguity, into hopefully not-too-extreme states of mind.
Life rocks.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Reactions & Relationships
I had sent the following poem to a few people who I thought would appreciate it -
some kind of power
the world is just moving towards a destination
i am staying behind sitting on my side
the tv is on, and some song is playing
the worst bit is, i want the tv off.
my world is sometimes reduced to a room
and mountains and the tigers dont exist
talking to someone new is such a crazily good thing
but it happens lesser and lesser now.
the world is starting to bore me
not because i am fast but cause it just too slow
something new has to happen soon
or i will be old
Got some reactions from them and then I of course had to comment on their reactions too!
Have got interesting responses from all - interesting not because of the variety of reaction that poetry normally evokes but due to the consistent response - that this poem struck a resonant chord with everyone. Everyone could identify with it.
If everyone can identify with the sense of all-consuming boredom/cynical humor bordering on bitterness that is expressed here (not permanently I am sure, but occasionally at least), its cause for apprehension - why should friends who would otherwise be considered intelligent, sensitive & articulate express this as a "reaction" to a poem sent on mail instead of normal modes of expression, i.e. conversation?
Conversely, conversations with friends (am I using the right word now?) become suspect. How different are they from conversations with so-called acquaintances or even strangers? Though I speak from personal experience only, but my answer to this is "hardly any difference".
Hence, is the corollary to this that relationships and the extent of their depth don't matter any more? Or is it that we don't have faith in them any more? Or maybe the latter is the cause, and the former the effect.
To go further, is this (decreasing faith in and relevance of relationships) a conscious movement on our part? Or is it an unwitting vicious cycle we have got drawn into - did the quickened pace of life necessitate junk food communication to the extent that relationships ceased to act as reliable support systems.....in turn, the fabric of conversation becoming tissue-like under the weight of the banality of the relationship itself?
Thoughts and so many questions. On this and so many other things that affect us. Do you also have them? If yes, where are they?
some kind of power
the world is just moving towards a destination
i am staying behind sitting on my side
the tv is on, and some song is playing
the worst bit is, i want the tv off.
my world is sometimes reduced to a room
and mountains and the tigers dont exist
talking to someone new is such a crazily good thing
but it happens lesser and lesser now.
the world is starting to bore me
not because i am fast but cause it just too slow
something new has to happen soon
or i will be old
Got some reactions from them and then I of course had to comment on their reactions too!
Have got interesting responses from all - interesting not because of the variety of reaction that poetry normally evokes but due to the consistent response - that this poem struck a resonant chord with everyone. Everyone could identify with it.
If everyone can identify with the sense of all-consuming boredom/cynical humor bordering on bitterness that is expressed here (not permanently I am sure, but occasionally at least), its cause for apprehension - why should friends who would otherwise be considered intelligent, sensitive & articulate express this as a "reaction" to a poem sent on mail instead of normal modes of expression, i.e. conversation?
Conversely, conversations with friends (am I using the right word now?) become suspect. How different are they from conversations with so-called acquaintances or even strangers? Though I speak from personal experience only, but my answer to this is "hardly any difference".
Hence, is the corollary to this that relationships and the extent of their depth don't matter any more? Or is it that we don't have faith in them any more? Or maybe the latter is the cause, and the former the effect.
To go further, is this (decreasing faith in and relevance of relationships) a conscious movement on our part? Or is it an unwitting vicious cycle we have got drawn into - did the quickened pace of life necessitate junk food communication to the extent that relationships ceased to act as reliable support systems.....in turn, the fabric of conversation becoming tissue-like under the weight of the banality of the relationship itself?
Thoughts and so many questions. On this and so many other things that affect us. Do you also have them? If yes, where are they?
Low
Not sure why, have been extremely low for the past week or two......I am sure the sense of dullness and boredom is evident even at work. Part of it is due to standard people oriented reasons - Darshan, L, Vicky etc....a sense of futility and low self worth that somehow seems to get accentuated once in a while. Like this.
Even last night, after the Core party, tried a lot on my own to get myself energised....the music was good...could have danced...then sat at coffee day with a nice stephen king...spoke to mummy for a long time abt movies.....went for a long drive, with good music.....worked to some point and then it was back in the quicksand.
Have just spent the last few hours at the Flyer family day, getting more irritated with people, and even more than them, with myself. For being so unnecessarily complex and having such high standards, for thinking so much and feeling so much, or going to the other extreme and stopping the thought/emotion process altogether.
I got my horoscope for this week a few days ago (something which I usually dont check out) and it said that I will be prone to heavy mood swings this week due to movement in planetary energies. It certainly feels like that, because there is no specific cause for depression. It's just a sense of being low and being more sensitive than normal to the hits from life.
Even last night, after the Core party, tried a lot on my own to get myself energised....the music was good...could have danced...then sat at coffee day with a nice stephen king...spoke to mummy for a long time abt movies.....went for a long drive, with good music.....worked to some point and then it was back in the quicksand.
Have just spent the last few hours at the Flyer family day, getting more irritated with people, and even more than them, with myself. For being so unnecessarily complex and having such high standards, for thinking so much and feeling so much, or going to the other extreme and stopping the thought/emotion process altogether.
I got my horoscope for this week a few days ago (something which I usually dont check out) and it said that I will be prone to heavy mood swings this week due to movement in planetary energies. It certainly feels like that, because there is no specific cause for depression. It's just a sense of being low and being more sensitive than normal to the hits from life.
Monday, October 11, 2004
update
Had lots to say, but no time to actually write it out.....or maybe things were just so complex that putting it in linear written form would have taken too much effort....hence, dug out the dictaphone and used it after ages. Felt good to put into words all I had been feeling. Will try to return to blog properly, though.
Unni's traced this blog through Aish. Not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, have tried to keep this page only for myself. On the other, ideally there's nothing on my mind that I would actually keep from him (note: I used the word ideally.....whats been happening in reality is another matter!)....this may very well be the forum for resurgence of communication. And that's good. Coz I miss him terribly.
I really wish I could write well....Darshan's persona as he approaches his marriage (6 months away) can be a hilarious (albeit tinged with cynicism) study. However, here the heart rules the mind and I just feel bad at the multitude, often contradictory, thoughts & emotions that envelop him. As usual, the feeling of helplessness is frustrating. All I can do is be there. At least, unlike some others he doesnt push me away to drown alone in sorrow!
One of the common reactions I am experiencing towards people nowdays is anger. Anger at duplicity, at relentless self promotion, at hollowness of promises, at inability to stand up for themselves, at general wimpishness, at the use n throw attitude.........everything, all the time!!!! Honestly speaking, its not as if people have suddenly started displaying these attributes, hence its something within me that's driving this reaction. Not sure what, though. It's not very healthy, either. Either one should do something with the anger and make a genuine difference somewhere, else its just destructive to the self and the relationships.
Strangely, haven't been reading a lot lately either!! This is despite there being a host of interesting books lying at home which I haven't read! Including intricate murder mysteries!! Should pick up a Stephen King....thats always a good kick start into relentless reading.
Am really really worried about Mummy. Dolly too, actually. Its unfair that I make less of her tendency to depression because she's younger, healthier and has a hubby who takes care of her. That doesnt make internal turmoil any lesser.....(this is exactly the kind of trap most people fall into). Hence, am really worried about both Mummy & Dolly. I hope they get occupied soon. Thats the critical first step.
Unni's traced this blog through Aish. Not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, have tried to keep this page only for myself. On the other, ideally there's nothing on my mind that I would actually keep from him (note: I used the word ideally.....whats been happening in reality is another matter!)....this may very well be the forum for resurgence of communication. And that's good. Coz I miss him terribly.
I really wish I could write well....Darshan's persona as he approaches his marriage (6 months away) can be a hilarious (albeit tinged with cynicism) study. However, here the heart rules the mind and I just feel bad at the multitude, often contradictory, thoughts & emotions that envelop him. As usual, the feeling of helplessness is frustrating. All I can do is be there. At least, unlike some others he doesnt push me away to drown alone in sorrow!
One of the common reactions I am experiencing towards people nowdays is anger. Anger at duplicity, at relentless self promotion, at hollowness of promises, at inability to stand up for themselves, at general wimpishness, at the use n throw attitude.........everything, all the time!!!! Honestly speaking, its not as if people have suddenly started displaying these attributes, hence its something within me that's driving this reaction. Not sure what, though. It's not very healthy, either. Either one should do something with the anger and make a genuine difference somewhere, else its just destructive to the self and the relationships.
Strangely, haven't been reading a lot lately either!! This is despite there being a host of interesting books lying at home which I haven't read! Including intricate murder mysteries!! Should pick up a Stephen King....thats always a good kick start into relentless reading.
Am really really worried about Mummy. Dolly too, actually. Its unfair that I make less of her tendency to depression because she's younger, healthier and has a hubby who takes care of her. That doesnt make internal turmoil any lesser.....(this is exactly the kind of trap most people fall into). Hence, am really worried about both Mummy & Dolly. I hope they get occupied soon. Thats the critical first step.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Interesting play of words
Just finished a very interesting book - Peter Straub's The Hellfire Club...contrary to the pop-bestseller kind of look it had, it turned out to be a complicated, engaging mystery.
A couple of the recordable sentences fr the book....
"Dreams never give up. Like tigers, they simply lay in wait until fresh meat came along"
"If she had any feelings, they were like the little black, shriveled husks left behind by a fire. She supposed that someday they would turn into feelings"
A couple of the recordable sentences fr the book....
"Dreams never give up. Like tigers, they simply lay in wait until fresh meat came along"
"If she had any feelings, they were like the little black, shriveled husks left behind by a fire. She supposed that someday they would turn into feelings"
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