Grey

Grey...defines my internal state of mind and soul....defines the environment.....for the past 2 weeks (since my prev post).

That sharp surge of thought and emotion remained that - a surge. With no sustenance.

Basically, I got upset again, and thought to myself - "what the hell am I letting myself in for"? So went into a grey mood.

Mood further dampened after I heard of Nanaji's death and the details of the events 2/3 days after it. Such a long, rich, full life and such an undignified, sad exit. That lovely house filled with artifacts, mementos from all over the world; filled with bundles of "things" - clothes, equipment; filled with so so so many warm memories - the house now ransacked by greedy, insensitive nephews n nieces, the items that now grace the rooms of unpleasant wimps, or have been thrown off as useless.

Breaks my heart. And brings back memories, memories kept in that dark corner of the mind. Brings to the fore fears, fears best relegated to the corner of the heart.

Can I share with this anyone? These low, dark moments? I can - with the same people who I am running away from.

QED - I am grey.

New Year?

Why do so many of my blogs start with questions? Probably because questions are the first step to examination and then to expression. Duh!

I tend to attach a certain amount of significance to the concept of the new year. For one, it allows me to detect and form a pattern to life - experiences, attitudes, approach. For another, it is my superstitious self that reinforces the theme of the year following the pattern of the start.

To elaborate :

Just going back a few years, each year seemed to have a theme that flowed from the experiences at the end of the previous year and the consequent resolutions.....

I began 2001 crying. I was hurt, confused. Unni. I was apprehensive, insecure. Placements. Hence, the theme for the rest of the year - insecurities, apprehensions, turmoil - job (even though I got a good one easily) and Unni (even though he remained with me in Chennai)

I began 2002 alone. A little numb, tired from always thinking, always feeling. And thus started the process of distancing, detachment from people who used to be close to me, from work which I was passionate about. It started with Parish, and picked up momentum through the year. Mid way, I took one of my hardest decisions, and moved away from Chennai (yes, thats the right way to put it) and back to Delhi. Tore my guts out, but it had to be done.

2003 started pleasantly, chilled out at Manoshi's party. There was a lot to think about, there was a lot to feel....after all, I was shedding ppl left, right & centre! But then, there was also work. A career which I knew I had to make. Hence - systems shutdown. Did as much decent work at Polaris as I could....concentrated on getting into a better place. Again, the mid-year change - Accenture. Moved into overdrive - a pace that didnt allow me to think or feel or make any effort, thus sparing me the associated guilt and questions. The pace intensified, the shedding too. Approaches I earlier held dear, vanished, as I spent free time having a "good time", with "friends" with whom I shared hardly one decent conversation.

But now, 2004 is here. And I am forced to pause, to question.

Am I doing the right thing??? This deliberate hardening of the shield - the "it doesn't affect me", "I don't need you" approach - who is it hurting?
But do I have an option??? I have seen the direction the world, and the people, around me are moving. To spare myself too much pain, disillusionment in the future, isn't this what I have to do??

The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix?

Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe. For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.

One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!

Cheers!

meaningful conversations?

A winter shock came in the form of Unni dear calling up and asking how my year was!

Well, we had a near meaningful conversation after that...albeit a shortish one. This was the second one after the one we had a few weeks ago, on that fight with his cousin etc.

Does this signal the change of tides...? This has been a significantly Unni-less (in fact, intimacy-less) year.....is the theme for next year going to be different?

More on this "year...theme...change..." thing next week

Poem

Went to a few blogs after a looooooong time today..!

Eric had posted a blog asking for poems....made me suddenly remember a poem which had really affected me. Posted it in his comments section (tho I know he probably wont like it)....copying it below. Love the words, they are an elegant reflections of my feelings.
(sigh!)


A Wistful Thought

I am wanting for a friend
whose nature is akin to mine
and likes the paths I wander in
of tall black forest trees
and ocean beaches combed by wind,
with rocks of drying seaweed
for a seat, to rest and talk.

We'd walk amongst the sandpipers
and speak of lonesome times,
of how, when mixed with
family or neighbor kind, we
each had often felt
most singular and set apart;

and how, though separate
and still unmet, the two of us
had shared a wish to be
in conversations, glad and free,
with one who'd feed the growing trust
of the other's pilgrim heart.

On the verge

Suddenly......yes, suddenly....all the energy seems to have been sapped out of me. '
I drag myself out of bed each day, sleepwalk through the rest of day, a fixed smile on my face (that often slips, prompting the explanation "I am not well"), barely managing to get some work done, to keep the gaadi going...always on the verge just giving up, just sitting down and not getting up again.

Books dont thrill me, comedies don't make me laugh...the troubles of loved ones leave me with a sense of regret and a faint memory that I used to get affected more...in some lifetime.

Maybe this is my subconscious self reacting to the forced high levels of energy/positivity that I have sustained for several months now. Maybe its a reaction against the "dont think,dont feel" stance, which has resulted in an accumulation of sludge. Or then, it could be my self-preservation instinct kicking in, preparing for the onslaught of work and tension that is certain over the next 3-4 weeks.

Maybe. Who knows? I am certainly not thinking it through. And I certainly dont have people left who can help me think it through.

When will I get free?

Drifting....shitty feeling....this is what my prev blogs were about.
I have no change to report, the feelings intensify with the added ingredient of a bit of confusion n regret thrown in.

First - it is a stranger (relatively...Vicky) who makes me realise the change in me...the automatic suppresion of feelings, the negation of involvement.
Second - it is a stranger (kpmg auditor) who makes me realise how less I think now.

Third - it is my best friend who makes me realise why this is so - why I have stopped thinking n feeling.

welcome break and a shitty feeling

Rushed off to Ooty for the weekend with Darshan. Beautiful, relaxing. Chilly, misty weather. Chocolates and walks.

Now back to office - Irritation, exhaustion. No time for the rest of my life. No conversations. No thoughts, no ideas.

Shit.

Drifting

The prev blog, posted more than 10 days ago, ended with me wanting to know and like myself again.
How?
You need to be in peace with yourself. You need to have silence within and without. (thats why the word "holy" is associated with silence).
And that silence is obvously missing from my life. Daily chaos - a host of crap cluttering up the mind - thats what life is all about right now.
And under the garb of this madness n pace, the boat is slowly drfiting. I am afraid that the boat will drfit too far to be retrievable. I need to catch the boat before that happens. I need to find that peace, and in that peace, connect with myself again.
That was the purpose behind running off to Chennai on the weekend. Bad decision. Had fun, all right.....but no peace. In fact, another element got added to the cauldron - strong emotion.
Maybe I will go somewhere quiet by myself next weekend.

Easier said than done.

A new face in the mirror

Met someone last week who reminded me of....Me!!!
It was only when I met him and spoke to him, that I realised why I felt such a strong sense of connection & emotion at the same time....it was because I recognised in him what I used to be.

I knew I had changed over the years, especially over the past 2 years, but not to this extent! Its scary...its like something was happening within me,,,and though I was dimly aware, I didn't realise the sharpness. Me....who has spent unholy amounts of time scrambling & meticuluously examining the truth within. And now its as if I hv been caught sleeping!!! It would be funny if it weren;t so tragic. Black humor enters my life again.

But what was it that prompted this realisation? I think it was the sheer romanticism that shone from him, the "goofiness", the straight-from-the-heart conversation. In my reaction to him I recognised the reactions of others to me, till a few years ago - Shekhar, Avijit, Amit, Meet - all people who had the same expression on their faces that I had when I met Vicky.

And where & when did this change happen? I think it was like a slow but steady erosion of rock by strong, salty waves (I certainly havent lost my zest for yucky romantic similies!).
And why?? The answer lies partly in the past..partly in the future. Today, I am what I am because of certain things that happened...the grief, the disillusionments, the loss of trust, the sense of disbelief, that forced me to withdraw back into myself.
Also, I am what I am because I am preparing for the future - a future very different, a future I can nevertheless see the genesis of, right now.

In fact, the strongest example of this is reflected in my social life. I used to be a person v v clear abt who I wanted to be with, who I got intimate with. Hence, had many pleasant simple social relationships, had a few very strong, intimate relationships, used to go out often only with the people I am close to, liked to spend time at home if that wasnt possible.

Now, I have many friends, none of whom I am intimate with. Once in a while a conversation with Unni/L/Darshan...and rarely, Shekhar...thats the extent of my intimacy. And the ratio of my social contact with them is barely 10-20% in comparison to the rest of my hectic, "fun oriented" socialising.

And finally...do I regret it? Wellll....to be v v honest, Yes.
I liked myself, genuinely did. Now I dont know even know whether I know myself, so where;s the question of liking.
And if I can't say I like myself, will I ever see the intimacy, the affection, the loyalty that I have known from others in the past? Certainly wont.
But perhaps that was a foregone conclusion that I had made about the future. And changed myself to suit that vision. Deep workings of the mind that even the self isn't aware of.

Bloody hell, its been a month since I blogged!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is the point of life if you cant even spare for yourself a few moments of introspection/rambling......?!!!

I feel like stamping my feet and crying loudly...!! There's so bloody much to think, think, think, worry, worry, work out, work out, plan,plan.......ALL the time......projects, people, workplans, PPTs, unread mails, un-returned phone calls, updates, timings, cold, cough, dolly, mummy, plan, finances, abn amro, shares, laundry, bookcase, sarees, shopping, relatives, friends, relationships.....in short, mental n physical exhaustion.

And at the end, do I have a smug satisfied look on my face? No, I dont...the harried, circle under the eyes, totally confidence unispiring look continues. I look like a weak idiot. And my performance review barely a month away.

Just spoke to Unni....his father's not well, he;s running around docs n clinics, he;s got a job opportunity at Oracle which he;s not sure abt pursuing because of most convoluted, contradictory, unconvincing reasons. So, whats new.

I can't make it to chennai/pondicherry this weekend. Hell - its better if I just stay in Del. There when I miss him, I can at least console myself with the 3000km distance between us. Now, 300km away, its frustrating - so near, yet still so far. He's a self desructive fool. And I hv become like him. My time in Chennai was so painful because of this itself - the experience of being so close to the person who could take me to the highest heights, yet the actual reality of being at the lowest point most of the time. And, once in a while, I wld ask him - what are we doing??? We know each other, care for each other, understand each other, and are nearby each other. Yet both of us wrapped up in our own miseries, not reaching out to the other.

After eons, went for a play yesterday, or rather a series of one-act plays. Rather an amateurish production (though you wldnt have thought it looking at the prices!), 2 of the plays were really good, 2 were all right, and 2 were bad.
The good ones :
"The Rut" by some Russian playwright.
An old couple sitting in the dark, conversing. They are sitting in the dark because the husband forgot to bring candles. And so begins the acidic conversation that brims with biting witticims, delivered with perfect timing by two seasoned actors. They had to hold up the act twice because of the applause n laughter that followed every second line!

"The Philadelphia" by.....god knows! (my memory remains as good as ever!)
While the Rut played upon words, the strength of this one came from its characters - a flirtatious, good natured charlie who loves giving advice; a bored, pretty, hardened waitress; and an earnest buffoon who is in "the philadelphia", a state of life where you get exactly the opposite of what you ask for. Extremely enjoyable because of effective casting....in fact, I mean to trace the mail id of the main actor and send him my compliments. Sigh! another "to do" for my list!

The bad ones were basically sophisticated topics, marred by the lack of depth in collegians.

Which brings me to Baghban - a typical "family" movie, about an old couple and their children etc etc etc. Yes, it was overdone; yes, it was a little exagerrated. But the core was true. And that core of strong, pure emotion was brought out by the excellent performances of the 2 lead actors. My companions, on the other hand, couldn't stop screaming "yuck" most of the time. They are the same 2 women who love picking up stray puppies in sympathy, who can't stop their tears when their boyfriends say a harsh word to them, claiming that they are "sensitive". But they couldn;t bring themselves to step into the shoes of a different generation, 2 of whom went through heart wrenching period of disillusionment & grief.
As I am sometimes amazed by the purity in people;s hearts, I am sometimes taken aback by the lack of imagination & sensitivity that exists in so many of these so-called well-eductaed, well-brought up people.

The movie also brought back horrific memories of people I have known and the suffering they have gone through. Made me all the more determined to spend lesser time thinking of my convoluted life, and more trying to genuinely look after the people that I love. Hence, the call with Unni, which ended in me getting upset. Great!!

Everything quiet on the US front....not much of war rhetoric etc.....oh yes! how cld I forget..it branded Dawood Ibrahim an international terrorist. Cool - one good thing it did. If only the other actions were consistent.

Outlook's latest cover story is what I have been dreaming of for years "Why Indians hate their politicians". Finally!! A reliable survey puts politicians just above pimps. But what I am feeling gleeful about? As if these bastards don't know what the people think of them. They do. It doesn't matter. Why are only the wrong people assassinated??? But then, who am I to decide who the "right" people are? Maybe the right people don't always do the right things. This ties in with my earlier theory of good people creating evil around them. I think the ways things evolve is just ok. Lot of things wrong, of course, but things are taking their own path, bringing times with them that bring their own dimensions of good n evil. Case in point: the IT boom. All magazines keep writing abt the "new life", the high flying professionals, the dominance of Indians etc etc - who;s going to write about the toil behind this life, the slave mentality that we refuse to let go of, the "factories" where men are machines.....? Outlook - I call to you!!

On that rambling call, let me end what was a satisfying blog. Of course, by now I am sleepy n tired, and have a huge bunch of documents to go through for tomorrow morning;s meeting.

Yippee.

bloody hell...i hv to keep motivating myself

In the beginning, life is all about "positive experiences".....when I think of all positive feelings - security, sense of belonging, undiluted love, achievement, clear headedness - I realise that I got acquainted with all these in my childhood itself.

And then, slowly...quietly, life kept throwing the negatives my way. There was grief ....heartbreak.....disillusionment....insecurity.....confusion.....lack of achievement.......as life goes on, I keep getting acquainted with these feelings one by one. During these times, the pain is immense, but then as I emerge out of the cloud, I realise it is an "experience", it is something that takes me further along my goal of being a better, stronger person.

Am I again rationalising the negative? Doesnt matter. What matters is the end result - that I remain positive.

What if this process had been reversed? Would I have been able to hold on to a positive value system? I am very thankful to God/fate/destiny etc etc, that I dont have to answer this question.

Ramblings

This is Friday night of undoubtedly one of the worst weeks ever (work wise)...hectic workschedules, a hyper boss, a sarcastic super boss, lack of sleep, and bad eating habits, and absence of support systems like unni....all contributed.
As i am too exhausted, will just post extracts from one or two mails I wrote this week:

"This week is getting steadily worse.....yesterday, I nearly blew up at my hysterical boss......am giving it one more chance today....am really in a mood to just blow up, but i keep calming myself down......the worst part is, nothing I do is appreciated....for so many weeks, I was wracked with so many questions n self - doubt, to which I had no answers....and hence spent many days in agony........but yest, after 2/3 harsh incidents, came to the conclusion that I cant blame myself for everything.....

As it is, I am hardly communicating nowdays (except with you)......thank god i am not married etc, else I wld really have a real problem on my hands! I dont think I am made for marriage....for one, I want to do too many things in life and dont want to be constantly taking into consideration a "life partner", neither am i the type of person who wld just go ahead and live the way i want to, let the relatioship suffer.......i believe in making things work, and that goes for relationships......if I put it in typical "office style" terms - I dont have the bandwidth to take on critical things....I dont believe in doing things for the sake of doing it, and I wont take on things I cant do justice to"

"i am so sleepy.....left at 12 last night and came back at 9.....but whats the piont of working hard if it is still thought that i dont? I might as well prove them right. but somehow, am unable to bring myself to reach that point. my tenure here is a struggle to hold on to my sense of self, and the values n beliefs I have. I think thats essentially the struggle of life. I hope I hv been successful so far. I hope I wl continue to be."

Whats to look forward to? MOVIES!!!! 4 of them.......hallelujah!

Questions at work

This was Unni;s response to my description of the self-doubt I often feel now at work.

Creep.


Leo Employee Profile

Leo workers want to be first and at the center of the office.Even if they
can't lead, they'll look for every opportunity to increase their own status
-- and if someone else seems ahead of them, look out. They will make it
clear that they aren't happy by pouting and complaining. They want
advancement so much that they'll take on more responsibility and carry a
heavier load than anyone else does in the office. And they are
self-promoters. It is likely that they are telling everyone in the office
what a great job they are doing as well as giving everyone unwanted advice.

They know they are superior and want everyone to know it
as well. This arrogance can sometimes cause problems
when working with management. But typically, they are just
hard workers out to demonstrate just how good they really are.

They thrive in sales positions - they can promote a product
or company just as well as they promote themselves.

Their strength and arrogance isn't just show either. In a crisis
situation, Leos really demonstrate their true courage.

Leos want to lead and will be pushing for more responsibility
and rewards. They are happy to train and mentor new co-
workers as they enjoy giving advice and being in positions of
authority.

If you are trying to manage a Leo employee, you'll need to
give them plenty of praise, responsibility, and independence.
They will certainly want to help lighten your load of manage-
ment responsibilities. Just be careful- the next thing you know
they could be taking over your job.

Thoughts that cram the mind

I have just been to 2 blogs, both throwing up issues that struck a chord.

An old man in Eric's class....the fragility, the feeling he evokes-similar to that of a lost puppy.

There are such people you meet - old, fragile, dependent - emotionally, physically, and the worst, financially. And naturally their dependence causes them to be treated more callously, or worse, ignored.
And it kills me.
When I see an old woman, leaning on her stick, quiet as she looks out at the world - it kills me. Why should someone with a lifetime (literally) of experience, thoughts n emotions in her, be quiet? Who silenced her? Unfortunately, that answer is mostly all too evident as you look at her children.
Thats one of the reasons why I sympathise less with my colleagues'/friends' grouses with their families n parents. All said and done, however unhappy you are, however badly you (think) you have been treated, at least you have yr health n 2 hands with you - you have a life ahead of you which u can build. An escape.
For the old n tired, the betrayals are that much harder, considering there;s not much time to look forward to. But they cope. And they cope better than the so-called healthy youth, most of whom moan and escape into therapy.

Second was on love - or rather, falling in love (I very distinctly separate the two - loving someone and being in love with someone are two entirely different ballgames). Why do we torture ourselves? But DO we torture ourselves? Eric (another one) is going hammer n tongs for this guy who is plainly good natured but self centred and intends to use Eric as a convenient devotee. But is he totally to blame? I somehow cant let go of the feeling that too much good in one brings out the evil in others. To do a crude extension of Adam's Invisible Hand theory, there has to be some evil in us that will keep the evil in others under check. Else, there is polarisation - there is a "Good" and a "Bad", and there is unhappiness and injustice. Go back to all the people u think are the sweetest n the most sensitive - prod further and you will hear a story/stories of terrible injustice n unhappiness they had gone at the hands of another. My personal take is that if u r too sweet n willing to take that extra step, u arouse people's bullying instincts. Or get used, as Eric is.

And yet, knowing all this, I will still do the same foolish things that I did before and got my ass kicked.
Bloody fool

Causing hurt

Shruti Dikshit just mailed me. She's got hold of some mail I wrote in Polaris in which I hv clubbed her with a group and spoken rather disparagingly about them. Naturally, she;s upset but was decent enuff to tell me about it.

My reaction to her :

Yo!!!

(a) god knows where u got this from. I dont remember even writing this....but the beginning and end sounds like me, so wont doubt the authencity....however, not knowing where this came from, maybe u could check the veracity of the exact words and that they hvnt been tampered with. the overall mail is definitely mine.

(b) I was certainly upset n disappointed by a lot of ppl there (and I had even spoken to u abt the depression I feel abt HR there) . this was mainly colored by namita and my impressions of her. and frankly, before I got to know u better, everyone else in that group - u, sonali, aditi - was associated with her. and again frankly, as far as ppl like sonali are concerned, these impressions didnt change. Thats the "grouping" part

(c) U as an individual I have liked (always) and respected (when I got to know u better). This is a fact, and u may choose to believe me or not. Thats up to you. But what do yr instincts say? Even rationally speaking, werent my feeling towards ppl I didnt like very evident - namita, poonam etc, even to an extent sonali?? Did u ever feel that with me? I cant prevent my feelings to show on my face, and u hv seen those expressions! Did u ever see that expression around you???

Again, I am not sure where u got this mail from. The mail is mine, but I am not sure of the words.
If u really want a defence, speak to Shweta Mishra, who I believe u interacted with in HCL. She;s my colleague here and naturally the first thing we spoke about was you. I didnt have anything negative to say about you.
But defence is nothing. Like accusations, defence can also be tampered with. Hence, I request you to go entirely by your instincts. In my experience, our instincts are right in 9 out of 10 cases.

I know that this mail would have been hurting. And I dont blame you for disliking me at this point. And I wont blame you either if u choose not to believe me. But please dont carry this in your heart, because you, after all u hv been thro at psl, dont deserve this.

And thank you for immediately reverting to me, rather than keeping it to yourself.

You may choose to reply or not.

Always

Sudeep

The sheer thought of another person (who I genuinely like) being hurt n upset is terrible. And when the source of that pain is me, I am consumed by sadness and guilt.

The Blurred Lines

Gangajal, the latest “realistic” fare to come from the art cinema turned commercial director, Prakash Jha, turned out to be thought provoking, literally.

Set in the interiors of Bihar, the film effectively captures the stench of corruption and terror that pervades the environment. A quietly courageous SP, recently posted there, unwittingly sets in motion a sequence of events that result in a group of young police officers using acid and stilettos to blind and maim 2 hard core criminals. This weapon, ironically called “gangajal” (which is water from the holy river of Ganga) acquires immense popularity amongst a population that suffers daily under the hands of criminals/politicians/police officers.

Not only did this acquire popularity in the fictional population of Tejpur, it drew cheers from the audience of thousand-odd that were gathered in the movie theatre. As the scale and intensity of brutalities steadily increased on screen, so did the crescendo of cheers and laughter in the hall. It was as if the anger and frustration of the mobs on screen connected with the spark of violence that resides within each of us, igniting it and drawing appreciation and comradeship in the acts of horrific brutality that were being committed. On screen, the lines between good and evil rapidly blurred. And in reality, it took just a 150-minute film to blur the lines between sanity and insanity, to transform the “family crowd” into a mob frothing at the mouth, seeking blood.

Everyday we live at the mercy of this precarious balance. Whether it is the French revolution centuries ago, or the recent Gujarat riots, the disturbance of this balance promises horror – a glimpse of which was seen in the theatre, the promise of which we see whenever that rush of blood to our heads causes mental and physical pain to someone else. Unfortunately, that seems to happen all too often.

A week rushes by and I am an year older

Rush,rush....so crooned Paula Abdul....and rush, rush....so I moan.

The birthday was one of the most uneventful ever.....my low key approach was quite successful this year (for a change) and celebration consisted of drinks n dinner with Darshan (3 Ds!) at Geoffrey's.
No gifts, though. Unni was suitably annoyed at what he calls an entire lack of enthu n imagination in my Blr friends!

The tension of preparing for the Cmty launches got over. they finally happened. and they happened well. got some appreciation, at last!

Life promises to be as irritatingly work oriented n exhausting for another 2/3 weeks at least. Many fires to fight.

Hvnt been to my fav blogs in a while - the 2 Erics, James, Nell.....what are they upto???!!!! Shall try to answer those questions tonite.

where are you?

where are the people I want the most in this state of mind, during this state of affairs?

Sitting on the airplane, looking at the moonlit clouds outside, I am wracked by sudden emotion. Is anybody there? No.
Then why do I myself and the world a disfavour by calling these people my closest ones, my support system etc etc. True, the very thought of them gives me strength. But shd it always be restricted to thought?

And I think all this. Yet, it doesnt matter. I am as much in love as I was before. I am consumed, possessed. What I think doesnt make an iota of difference to what I feel.

Run Lola Run

I hvnt seen the movie yet, but it looks v interesting.
Unfortunately, there are lots of movies like that nowdays. This shd not become a regular practice.

Which brings me to what I want to say - who am I running for?
I am running for 12/14 hrs everyday. And
- my immediate boss/es arent happy - Lakshmi n Girish - things are NOT proceeding fast enough
- my management rep isnt happy
- my Ops Mgrs arent happy
- my people dont see much of me (they dont hv too many expectations from me, which is worse than being unhappy with me)
- my close ones are not happy - forget seeing me, they hardly hear fr me
- and I certainly am not happy - this is not me.

So who am I running for?

SO MUCH

There's SO MUCH to do right now, that I intimidate myself.

Content wise - hectic, tiring, but not so bad.
Communication wise - not so good.

Once again, I surprise myself. And not a very pleasant surprise, either.