Betu

He grew up in front of me. Played "sabzi le lo". Teased me relentlessly, laughing at his own silliness and my over dramatized reactions. Sometimes I coached him, sometimes I reprimanded him, other times I clutched my head in frustration. I held him in my arms as we both wailed with grief, I made an internal promise that from this day I am responsible for him.

And today he's cocooned in pain. Limited by average intelligence, handicapped by emotional baggage, he's being driven further to insanity by the sheer cruelty of his own mother. We can just support him from afar, assure him of love, clarify his demons, ensure financial smoothness, push him to do better....but at the end of the day, he has to live there, live his own life, and manage to survive.

I wont spend time on how I feel. Terrible, is the best word.

But....what right do I have to expect anything from the DBs of the world, who havent even made a commitment, when I myself have not been able to live up to one of the strongest emotional commitments I have made in my life? I have enough common sense to realise the constraints, but even with those, Mummy, Dolly have been doing more than I am. I have always believed that one reaps as one sows. And its usually been true of my life. I may not have consciously given pain or changed, but I HAVE been negligent of people I truly love and am also sort of responsible for (not that I believe anyone is really responsible for anyone, but still...) and I guess I am just paying for that.

But can I ensure the reverse? Nope. Flaw in my "logic" as usual.

Punches - full blown

24th Jan, 15th March, 3rd May - well timed punches to my stomach, taking the wind out of me, leaving me gasping for breath, reaching out for support that didnt exist, asking myself how I ended up here...all the cliches of a lovelorn idiot.

The reaction detailed above aside, I am not really sure how I feel about all this. As usual, there's no clear overriding emotion. Some anger (but why?? Its not as if its a secret)...some sadness (but why? wasnt it expected?)...some frustration (but why? u r gonna get it anyway)...some feeling-foolish (but why? yr stupid ego is hurt?)...some fear (but why? u heard what he said, didnt u?)...some sense of loss....

Ya, this sense of loss. I think (though I am not sure) everything else I have been feeling is just an addendum to this core. If I hadnt been feeling this sense of loss, I would probably have been able to handle the rest. But this sense of change, of having lost something that I had allowed to become so integral to me - the companionship and communication, of witnessing a dramatic change in behavior - this is what has killed me.

But the worse I get within, the less I will allow it to show. The least I can maintain somehow is my dignity.

They lie...

This stupid TV serial preaches it. Smiling talk-show hosts say it convincingly. Self-help books revolve around it. Some others earn their badge of "fiction" by ending it with this message. Friends say it over cups of tea (or beer), mothers by loading you with food. Loved ones give you the message directly- sometimes explicitly, usually through convenient actions.

Its ok to be happy. YOU (the greatest being ever created) deserve to be happy. Be happy. Be happy. Be happy.

And then they pull the rug right from under your feet. You stumble, grinning wildly as you try to salvage your dignity. Dignity however, is the last thing that destiny has in store for you. You fall and usually get scraped. If you are unlucky, you get fractured. If you are really unlucky, you lose a limb. If you are really really unlucky, you are able to paint a smile and stand up straight again and walk on as if you are ok.

As is obvious, I like to use humor to view tragedy (weeellll....falling down badly IS a tragedy, isn't it?!). It gives me the illusion of being intelligent and in control.

a bunch of fun?

The HR outing yesterday was surprisingly nice! The tiring bus journeys aside, the 6 hours spent there were pretty decent, thanks to the lack of sun (and a spot of rain too!) through the afternoon...something that I had prayed for and the others against!!

But more thanks to the people who had organized it all, yet not organized it to death, another point of the difference in culture...people were inclusive, yet not insistent, everyone doing what they felt comfortable doing....I cheered on at the games (and for my team, which lost!), spent some time lying on the lounge chairs looking at the sea, chatted with friends, had coffee, sat on a rock and got the bottom part of me wet, took some pics....

It was also interesting to see people having fun in groups...thats something I have had relatively little of, partly due to choice and partly the lack of it. I had a lot of it in GK when a kid, thankfully blessed with a large group of friends around the house. The school was the other extreme, I just didnt belong to any group at all, and was pretty much a loner except for Dom. After that, I changed location so many times that its been on-off. 10th - no. PU - no. 1st yr - yes. 2nd and 3rd yr - no. MBA - partly. PSL - no. Acc - sometimes. So overall....sporadic...not too many choices given to me...and I myself usually tend to go for the 1-to-1 type of relationships! Like not gng with the U etc. to Goa, instead heading off to Blr - uff!!!

Most of the times, I am good with it. At the end of the day, I have a vast group of people who care about me, and that's really my blanket. But sometimes, like yesterday, I miss it. Unlike practically everyone else, I dont have any memories of "fun with the gang in Goa"

:)

Eventful week

The hide-n-seek game with DB intensified....

Went to the brink with L and then managed to recover and take a few steps back to safety...

Did some degree of "straight-talk" at work, got some icy responses in return...

Hina announced she's getting married on 27th April, quite quite the whirlwind...

Started feeling BORED...

Clear about the turmoil....

Sudeep: in the past few years, have u ever really compromised on yr beliefs? either did something or accepted something that was intrinsically not you, all the while knowing it wasnt you, yet doing it for compelling reasons?
nowlsays: I have, on quite a few occasions
mostly revolving around my marriage
and maybe a couple of times outside of it
Sudeep: ok...
nowlsays: when reason takes over belief
Sudeep: aah....ok
so u did it when u allowed reason or logic to take over belief
have u ever done it because u felt cornered
knowing that if u dont do it, u wl get hurt now. but i f u do it, u wl get hurt later?
nowlsays: yes, and you can also add love for a dear one as an important reason for it
the hurt was always taken for granted, then or later, mine or my loved ones..I made the choice of later and mine
Sudeep: dont u believe (as i think u used to, like me) that compromising on yr very self, while doing it to preserve something, can go on to actually damage it, thus rendering the compromise futile
nowlsays: yes, I still believe the same
I guess the decisions were to avert the futility right away, and maybe trya nd be indifferent to it.."I'll think abt it when I have tie"
tie=time
Sudeep: ok....
nowlsays: I have felt like Scarlett on so many occasions, and I feel I made choices she wld have as well...
Sudeep: but Scarlett made choices where she accepted 80% of somethig for compelling reasons...yet inside she kept yearning to get 100% of life..
nowlsays: wld be true in my case as well
Sudeep: but the interesting thing is - by accepting 80% at the surface, and internally yearning for 100%, she damaged the 80% as well, reducing it to 60, 40, 20 until nothing was left
nowlsays: yes, that's possible too; but its also possible that you salvage the 80% at least, at times...
Sudeep: yes
its possible
i guess its self control
nowlsays: I guess that happened far too less in her case...she always got what she wanted..but only when she wanted something else..
Sudeep: ok...
nowlsays: why do you ask?
Sudeep: gng thru a terrible time
forced to get down to the basics and questioning basics
Sudeep: which is not such a bad thing, naturally...
makes u get to know yrself better
and the choices that u make in yr tought times reveal yr true self
nowlsays: yes, we need it every so often...but as long as we find the answers and do not find ourselves much altered, its fine
trying times always expose you completely
Sudeep: yes and i dont like the alteration
Sudeep: but if i reject the alteration, i lose something now
if i accept the alteration, i lose myself
Sudeep: if it ultimately comes to this choice, losing myself or losing something that i hold dear -what does one choose
Sudeep: there's no answer to this question
its a gut reaction
nowlsays: I opted for losing a bit of myself, clinging on to the loved ones, coz they far outweighed the bit I was losing; though, on another ground, I may have chosen differently; we all stand our grounds, and the ground we stand decides our stand most of the time
Sudeep: yaaa.....
as of today, i choose to lose a bit of myself. a bit like a bargain with god, i guess. to hold on to something important....
maybe tomorrow, if forced to bargain again or further, i wl reverse the choice...
nowlsays: depending on the ground you stand on then...it sounds like you may not be firm about your beliefs, but I find it as a standing by the belief of having love n faith for your dearest ones
Sudeep: love yes, faith. dont know.
nowlsays: hmm..yes, its love; the faith anyways gets altered when you make the choice
Sudeep: exactly
exactly :(
how can love survive without the faith
wont one feel resentful at the love?
for affecting the faith
nowlsays: unbelievably, i does; may not be of the same thread; but it does remain nonetheless; the bitterness is for a lifetime, no doubt;
i=it
Sudeep: so basically one makes that basic compromise again - i will live with a bit of bitterness and the constant nagging of doubtful faith, because i have the love
nowlsays: yes, it may be in the subconcious, but it never goes away; how cld it, coz it never is the way you exactly wanted it to be...
but we are a strange being..
there are many shades of love, and there are many shades to us..
we only see what we like to see and feel what we want to, and we end up still living with that love, though the underlying faith is wavering
Sudeep: and to me, that state of being has been the ultimate subversion of life and love, the ultimate triumph of the realist of the romantic...and yet i am moving towards it, in wonder and dislike at my own self....
anyway, its an endless discussion.....but thanks for having clarified so much....at least i feel i am not alone....and someone understands the madness of what i am thinking.....

Hot Potato

I still smile when I think of Sidh impulsively calling me a Hot Potato after catching me looking at my cell practically every 10 seconds (ok, fifteen!).

But the laughter is not without its tinge of sadness. When Allan suddenly asked me on Friday night if I feel lonely, I was hardpressed to reply. Because I dont know want to appear as one of those sad, misfitting people in need for company...neither do I want to deny the fact that I AM someone who is close to several people who are my support system, and their absence makes me feel incomplete...and yes, then I do get lonely, like today.

And then I think about how Mum is the only one who consistently makes an effort to reach out to me and talk to me and listen to me while I am here. Other loved ones - DB, U, L, D - make an effort once in a while, but it's more like "this is the way I am, live with it". When they do make that effort, I feel happy and touched, and yet grateful, which is a terrible thing to feel. Yet others wake up to my existence only when I disappear. Like I admitted that I feel lonely sometimes, yes, I do feel hurt too.

Its also ironic how I am in regular touch with so many people I dont particularly care for...yet out of touch with so many close ones. I know whats happening in the lives of distant friends, yet the tragedies and the stresses of the lives of U, D, L pass me by, rendering me a stranger in the lives of the very people who have been part of me.

It saddens me, this breakdown of connect to the part of my life I consider most precious. It angers me, the price I am paying for genuinely great experience and exposure. It scares me, to think of the implications.

On a quiet Sunday evening, with six more weeks stretching before me, this is a good recipe for depression, isn't it. And I cant think of a single, constructive way of approaching this self-piteous mix of sadness/anger/fear. So much so for smart, sensible, positive Sudeep.

my HK trip :)

This was certainly one of the best holidays ever! Outings to attractive tourist places, shopping expeditions, exploratory walks, drinking evenings...all conducted in a cool weather, with convenient transport, polite people and in the company of one of my closest friends....this certainly was one of the BEST holidays ever!

But more than a holiday, its the city of Hong Kong that I am totally fascinated by (and like all my fascinations, maybe even a little in love with!). I dont know what part of my trip enamored me the most...

The area in and around the Central Business District - awe inspiring buildings, the intricasies of streets at multiple levels, the focus and sharpness of the people thronging the sidewalks, the convenient elevated walkways and escalators, the unique, cool eateries, the rightfully expensive stores - its a place that I spent two half-days walking there and yet could easily spend many more! I didn't really have to do anything, I just walked and absorbed and felt very comfortable, yet very turned on.

The sheer option of "things to do" (something I constantly feel the lack of in Blr). Within an hour of your decision, you could be walking along the Avenue of Stars walk along the sea, admiring the skyline and observing the people around you...or you could be on the peak, taking a walk in a quiet lane with the lights of the city twinkling beneath you...or you could be on an island, enjoying the small eateries and a long, picturesque walk...or you could choose from the multiple "types" of markets to explore...or you could visit an entertainment/theme park...sigh...I know I sound like a sales brochure, but I cant get over it.

Like Bombay and Delhi, HK also appeals for those like me who enjoy observing a melting pot of cultures....heavily Westernised, yet unique in its own skin...Chinese influence evident in a lot of explicit and implicit...containing a virtual army of expats, from finance/IT professionals to small time businessmen...this is one city where I could spend as much observing people, as the sights.

I am not denying the appeal of the trips to historical Hampi or breathtakingly beautiful Narkanda...but the appeal of a big, thriving, entertaining, interesting, convenient city is great altogether!

Another experience tick marked....

Last weekend was the quietest weekend I have EVER spent in my life.

There was shopping (!)...and books...and movies...to occupy my time, but NO conversations, NO social interactions, NO errands, NO chores, NO emails - nothing to really absorb the mind.

Hence, 2 days of silence. Complete silence.

I treat this as a positive experience for 3 different reasons...

One, I havent had a weekend like this in months! I vaguely remember having a relatively non-social, at-home weekend sometime in Jan :) but even then, there was plenty of social interaction, at least on the phone.

Two, I am glad of the experience. That, from ultra hyper weekends to ultra quiet ones, I have traversed the range!!

Three, I dont welcome this often though. And I take it as a good sign. Shows that I am alive, not existing. To exist, I just need my time to be occupied with reasonably interesting/entertaining activities. Instead, I still need my mind, my spirit to be turned on.

Cheers!

A pat on the back? or an ostrich egg for breakfast?

Its been 3 weeks. Exactly. To the t. I arrived in this room three Sundays ago at 3:30 pm.

Within a few days, I was comfortable. Actually, I was comfortable within 2 days. A comfy room, malls n theatres around, transportation to work taken care of, positive reaction from office...naturally I was! Then I got to Manila better...the eat, drink, shop and be merry culture...and I became more comfortable. Life became better as I made two good friends, P and Al, cheerful, articulate souls who engaged me and were good hosts. Interesting sightseeing trips, good evening-outs. Active weekends, pleasant weekdays. Chatty conversations and rambling chats. Absorbing books and mixed movies. Lots of avenues for shopping.

So...even though things will slow down after the initial hyperactivity...life seems ok for the coming weeks.

Except (and there's always that word, isnt it??)....except that I miss the comfort of close ones..I am worried that there's still scope for the assignment to be called ineffective...I long for the independence of my own apartment and my own car...I am scared of what this will do to us, to the core.

So, as I act, as I move, as I smile, as I explore....I think and I fear and I worry and I speculate.

But then, as L says, its only the tears and pangs that make the smile worthwhile.

Only I hope there's a smile at the end :)

Nothing works when it doesnt want to...

Movie in the packed darkness of a theatre, a well made, throbbing musical. Favorite songs on the player, eminently danceable. Fabulous top of the line brands with the coolest displays. Diverse crowds in a row of interesting-looking eating places and bars. A continued story line on the QAF soap, 2 episodes. A nice book, charming and funny. Distraction, absorption, entertainment, exhaustion....nothing worked. The mind still ticked, the heart still obsessed and the head still ached. I just wanted a hug.

Imtihaan - The Test :)

I feel cornered. As I indulged in breakfasts and malls, somewhere the ground was moving beneath my feet and I have ended up pinned against the wall, looking on in anguish as the things I love and the things I cherish are stripped away from my body, leaving exposed the hidden, trembling self.

But I call logic to my rescue. And my ego. I am not pinned. Yet. I am not drowning. Yet. What I have written above is probably a taste of what COULD happen. But whether it will happen or not is in MY hands. This time is a test. Of the validity of my professional expertise, of the endurance of my personal relationships, of the strength of my values, of the existence of my survival skills, of my level of awareness of self, of my faith in loved ones. Of my essential belief that the world around is a reflection of what we are, and not the reverse.

Putting structure and words around the nightmarish scenario doesn't make it less fearful, but at least gives me some inner strength to deal with the twilight demons. I wish I could call someone to help me through this, but they are also part of the test, and hence unpredictable.

I wish I could move on quickly and sharply like someone has. But I find it difficult to extricate myself from the deep wells of emotion I have been in. So I need to accept what I am and deal with this "test".

Success but a long way to go

Exactly a week has passed by. I have learnt more about myself this week than I normally would in several. Actually I have learnt more about myself in the past two months than I probably did the entire last year. But then, thats another post.

Right now, I feel a sense of relief - the project is not as complex as I had feared it would be; the situation her is more challenging that I had thought it was; Manila is turning out to be a place where I can think of spending several weeks in; I have started making friends in office; the weekend was not depressing.

But mixed with relief is reality too. Less than 10% of my time is done....eleven weeks are yet to go. Will I survive it well? And what will this do to us? That fear is my reality check.

Lets see....its fingers crossed and a hope in my heart :)

The kiss of memory

I was seized by nostalgia at breakfast. The constant chatter of the Filipino-American family on the next table took me back to that time, oh it feels like a dream, when I had sat in similar buffets with my family, happy about the sausages, smugly sipping black coffee, looking out of the picture windows at the city outside waiting to be explored by me. Many, many years later, I sit on a similar cane chair, looking out of a similar picture window onto a strange city. I am alone, there’s no chatter. Instead, there’s the morning paper and my glass of apple juice and my thoughts on how I will plan my day. Somewhere in the corner is heartache, which I ignore as I don’t want it to color my day. The heartache is kept for twilight hours.

How silly we are to try and visualize the future. How can we presume to think that we can predict the events fate can throw at us or the decisions that we will take? Life is not an algorithm, much to the dismay of control freaks like me. The variables can change mid way and the course of life can often be unalterably deviated in moments. And sometimes we don’t even know what these variables are. Do I know how I landed up here? Do I know how some people entered my life? Do I know why I did some things I did? I look back with surprise - I don’t know! All I know is that I am here. Carrying the past with me, a past filled with memories that come to greet me at the oddest of moments., plunging me into inexplicable sadness And hoping for the future. For love, for peace. And if not that, then faith and courage.

Chatter

I have made a checklist of all that I need to do before leaving. The checklist is divided between my prep for Manila and stuff that I need to put in place for Bangalore. It includes the list of items I need to buy as well. Despite all this, I know I will forget some stuff that I shall remember only later, but what the heck, imagine the chaos if I had NOT done this!

But do I leave with a clean, light heart? No. I am scared and apprehensive about what this will do to what is fast becoming one of the most critical relationships in life. Not that that itself is without some basic issues. In the sunshine of the day, I am able to balance these concerns with the "other shoe" approach and reason out the wrinkles into smooth silence. But in the twilight of sleep they sometimes come back to haunt me. They cause the occasional pouts and silences, otherwise remaining mournfully within. Most logical people will tell me that this is silly and destructive behavior, but when I know there is no resolution possible, I dont see the point of creating unnecessary friction by articulating them. This may be the approach of a quitter, in which I case surprise myself. At least I continue to have that capacity :)

One area where there's no surprise is my reaction to the "others" in his life. I had made a comment in Nov 06 which was a clear articulation of what I felt at that time, as well as what I knew I would continue to feel. There's no right or wrong to it, its just that I belong to a different planet and artlessly facing, literally or not, the past and potential loves of a loved one takes its toll on me. I know I cant do much about it, because this is inherently me, but I will at least try to control my expression of my emotions here and avoid potential fallouts due to this extremely silly (in hindsight) concern.

The entry of people like Man, Such and by extension, Shal, into my life reminds me of that period in 2005 when I felt that my values and priorities were inverted by the mirror of reality. Which is why I am clear that despite occasionally being with these people, they are not "friends" at least not yet. This constant reminder will keep me on my toes in the future...I do NOT want to face that crisis again where my emptiness at spending time with "non friends" causes me anguish and anger at myself. Time is a precious commodity to me, and I can think of many better ways to spend it, including just being with myself.

While on that subject, I have managed to spend time with what I call my "sanity" people - D, U - in the past few days. Today too, I will spend more time with D and hopefully meet L as well. I would be keen to get L's reaction to DB. While D may be more intelligent and U more sensitive, L's instincts are usually the best with people. Furthermore, its the context that makes his reaction more important to me. U has come around to being supportive, D continues to be an irritable ostrich.

At least I am reasonably more occupied at work, as I prepare for the trip - both from an assignment and logistical perspective. As usual, the last week I am sure will be much more hectic than all the previous 3 put together! I am glad, it will prevent me from thinking and worrying.

Right now, the focus is on this weekend. Last weekend was so so nice. This one will hopefully be decent too. At least Sunday evening onwards promises to be fun, provided a certain Kamat agrees - Filmfare awards, Coffee with Karan and Oscars :)

Iggly piggly stuff

There are so many impressions, opinions and thoughts doing the rounds of the concentric circles of my mind that I dont have the energy to even articulate them anymore, let alone record. The careful ironies of middle class "values", the conveniences of relationships, the intricasies of the infidel, the pain of loved ones, the romance vs comfort tussle in a relationship, the beauty of a human mind, the demons of the human soul.....

Some of these are a reaction to the events happening in other people's lives, others are an off shoot of bits of internal flotsam that keep rising to the surface now and then.

Right now, I shall have tea.

:)

Morning Ruminations

Its probably the first time I am blogging early in the morning! It’s a dull, slightly warm morning, very unlike the type I associate with Bangalore. DB’s just left and I am compiling the papers for my visa application while the maid cleans her way through the living room. A look at my last few posts confirms my suspicion – 9 to 5 jobs are not my style. I have barely worked for the past 2 weeks, just kept enough on my plate to get by the day, have been enjoying myself with a lovely evening life and been reading regularly. If I had read this on someone else’s blog while I was in my normal throes of working, I would have been heartily envious, but not now. In perfect alignment with my mother, my idle mind has been occupied with more devils than I care to count, all driving me to the verge of destructive behavior. Thankfully, the two weeks beginning today will be anything but idle, with the preparation for the (hopefully) travel. Prep work for the logistics/arrangements and prep work for the actual assignment. This shall keep the devils at bay, till I am suddenly free again and thought/emotion return. It scares me to even think about that day and so I wont. I shall now take out the clothes for the day and go for my bath.

Dramatic travails of a bruised heart

Picking up shards of broken glass. Snuffing out the blue tinted candle. The stillness in the air. The nagging tooth ache. Donning the black kurta. The aggression of memory – the switched off phone, the 2 day gaps. Yet - no feeling, just blankness. No doubts, just numbness. Sleepy, very sleepy. Woken up by the grind of the house being built next door. Tea, conversation against the backdrop of loud music, canned laughter and grinding. A drop in the car, then back to unhappy, sweaty sleep. Wake up, return to feeling. Doubts, anger. The back aches, the head pounds. Sour faced dentists deliver bad news and cranky horse cart owners dent the car. Meetings cancelled. Mails and messages of conflict and pain. Long drives in sticky weather. Now back to home. Wonder what awaits me? I long for a good ol’ fashioned cribbing session. But can cribbing lighten the load in my heart?

Auto self destruct mode....

I am so scared of being happy. Its as if I am this young, bitter child of the street who knows that the glimpse of luxury doesn't actually mean luxury, that the taste of happiness could be wiped away at one go by the cruel Gods who extract penance for unkn0wn sins I have committed in this or past life.

My fault, or "nadaani" as L would call it, has been that I have treated this fear of happiness logically. You are scared of water, you stay away from it. DOES NOT mean that if you fear happiness, you stay away from it. That's self destructive. And I am conscious that all of us, however "positive" or "optimistic" we may believe ourselves to be, have that self destructive streak in us.

I just hope that my fear doesn't destroy me.

Losing my war against the big C

I do what I think is right, what comes naturally to me. I act and I react impulsively, and I pretty much am myself most of the time. I rarely think about cost/benefit analysis on a day to day basis and I never hold others accountable for what I am doing or what I am responsible for. I express my likes/dislikes, pleasure/irritation points openly and usually let the flow of my thoughts and emotions be governed by the flow of the relationship and the other’s behavior. A lot of times I am told “you do a lot for me/him/her”. I don’t know…I just do what I feel like doing and I am usually willing to lay down my life for the people I love.

All this implies trust. And one trusts on the assumption that that trust wont be abused or broken. What really really gets my goat (as in, gets me genuinely angry as opposed to merely irritated) is when people push the limits on this front – taking my reactions for granted (for example, creating issues that they know are important enough to affect me but small enough for me not to act churlish); manipulating my activities to suit their convenience; physically or mentally exacting a lot from me when they know I cant afford that; making me compromise on what I believe/want, all the while knowing that if I refuse to compromise, I will be forced to make choices which they know I wont.

What they DON’T understand is that even if I am allowing this trust to be abused, my mind may forget but my heart wont. Cracks within always develop into cracks outside sooner or later, and you may think that “I will make up for it tomorrow” but honey, tomorrow cant mend the past, it can only soothe. Another thing – somewhere I would lose that respect for you, and a bit of respect for myself as well; and respect is very very very important to me, the day I feel a sense of loss on that front, I will end any relationship, no matter what the cost.

Naturally, my boiling points are different for different people. And so are my final reactions (for example, with U once, I reached that point after a LOT and even then, I just changed my tactic, I didn’t give up). But it would heed to remember that are LIMITS.

For the past few days, I have been thinking of that. Because a LOT of people, at work and outside, have been behaving this way. Unfortunately most of these people are those who have entered my life recently (i.e. in the past 1-1.5 yrs), making me question my judgment of people.

And the people I am closest to – Mum, U, D, L – continue to be the ones who set the benchmark for being impeccable guardians of my trust.

That’s what keeps me sane. The thought of these wonderful people – whose souls I love, whose characters I respect, whose lives bring me positive – keep the increasing cynicism at bay, the cynicism at the numerous people I find around me who are cheating, lying, manipulating, confusing, avoiding……yes I know this is unnecessarily dramatic, but SERIOUSLY. There is just TOO much negativity!!!! And its making me pissed because I DON’T want to be negative. I DON’T want to think twice before acting. I DON’T want to indulge in psychological warfare. I DON’T want to be careful about what I express. I DON’T want to think about give/take in relationships. I DON’T want to go in with the basic assumption that everyone is out to screw me.

But its becoming an increasingly difficult battle to fight.