In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Nothing works when it doesnt want to...
Movie in the packed darkness of a theatre, a well made, throbbing musical. Favorite songs on the player, eminently danceable. Fabulous top of the line brands with the coolest displays. Diverse crowds in a row of interesting-looking eating places and bars. A continued story line on the QAF soap, 2 episodes. A nice book, charming and funny. Distraction, absorption, entertainment, exhaustion....nothing worked. The mind still ticked, the heart still obsessed and the head still ached. I just wanted a hug.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Imtihaan - The Test :)
I feel cornered. As I indulged in breakfasts and malls, somewhere the ground was moving beneath my feet and I have ended up pinned against the wall, looking on in anguish as the things I love and the things I cherish are stripped away from my body, leaving exposed the hidden, trembling self.
But I call logic to my rescue. And my ego. I am not pinned. Yet. I am not drowning. Yet. What I have written above is probably a taste of what COULD happen. But whether it will happen or not is in MY hands. This time is a test. Of the validity of my professional expertise, of the endurance of my personal relationships, of the strength of my values, of the existence of my survival skills, of my level of awareness of self, of my faith in loved ones. Of my essential belief that the world around is a reflection of what we are, and not the reverse.
Putting structure and words around the nightmarish scenario doesn't make it less fearful, but at least gives me some inner strength to deal with the twilight demons. I wish I could call someone to help me through this, but they are also part of the test, and hence unpredictable.
I wish I could move on quickly and sharply like someone has. But I find it difficult to extricate myself from the deep wells of emotion I have been in. So I need to accept what I am and deal with this "test".
But I call logic to my rescue. And my ego. I am not pinned. Yet. I am not drowning. Yet. What I have written above is probably a taste of what COULD happen. But whether it will happen or not is in MY hands. This time is a test. Of the validity of my professional expertise, of the endurance of my personal relationships, of the strength of my values, of the existence of my survival skills, of my level of awareness of self, of my faith in loved ones. Of my essential belief that the world around is a reflection of what we are, and not the reverse.
Putting structure and words around the nightmarish scenario doesn't make it less fearful, but at least gives me some inner strength to deal with the twilight demons. I wish I could call someone to help me through this, but they are also part of the test, and hence unpredictable.
I wish I could move on quickly and sharply like someone has. But I find it difficult to extricate myself from the deep wells of emotion I have been in. So I need to accept what I am and deal with this "test".
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Success but a long way to go
Exactly a week has passed by. I have learnt more about myself this week than I normally would in several. Actually I have learnt more about myself in the past two months than I probably did the entire last year. But then, thats another post.
Right now, I feel a sense of relief - the project is not as complex as I had feared it would be; the situation her is more challenging that I had thought it was; Manila is turning out to be a place where I can think of spending several weeks in; I have started making friends in office; the weekend was not depressing.
But mixed with relief is reality too. Less than 10% of my time is done....eleven weeks are yet to go. Will I survive it well? And what will this do to us? That fear is my reality check.
Lets see....its fingers crossed and a hope in my heart :)
Right now, I feel a sense of relief - the project is not as complex as I had feared it would be; the situation her is more challenging that I had thought it was; Manila is turning out to be a place where I can think of spending several weeks in; I have started making friends in office; the weekend was not depressing.
But mixed with relief is reality too. Less than 10% of my time is done....eleven weeks are yet to go. Will I survive it well? And what will this do to us? That fear is my reality check.
Lets see....its fingers crossed and a hope in my heart :)
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
The kiss of memory
I was seized by nostalgia at breakfast. The constant chatter of the Filipino-American family on the next table took me back to that time, oh it feels like a dream, when I had sat in similar buffets with my family, happy about the sausages, smugly sipping black coffee, looking out of the picture windows at the city outside waiting to be explored by me. Many, many years later, I sit on a similar cane chair, looking out of a similar picture window onto a strange city. I am alone, there’s no chatter. Instead, there’s the morning paper and my glass of apple juice and my thoughts on how I will plan my day. Somewhere in the corner is heartache, which I ignore as I don’t want it to color my day. The heartache is kept for twilight hours.
How silly we are to try and visualize the future. How can we presume to think that we can predict the events fate can throw at us or the decisions that we will take? Life is not an algorithm, much to the dismay of control freaks like me. The variables can change mid way and the course of life can often be unalterably deviated in moments. And sometimes we don’t even know what these variables are. Do I know how I landed up here? Do I know how some people entered my life? Do I know why I did some things I did? I look back with surprise - I don’t know! All I know is that I am here. Carrying the past with me, a past filled with memories that come to greet me at the oddest of moments., plunging me into inexplicable sadness And hoping for the future. For love, for peace. And if not that, then faith and courage.
How silly we are to try and visualize the future. How can we presume to think that we can predict the events fate can throw at us or the decisions that we will take? Life is not an algorithm, much to the dismay of control freaks like me. The variables can change mid way and the course of life can often be unalterably deviated in moments. And sometimes we don’t even know what these variables are. Do I know how I landed up here? Do I know how some people entered my life? Do I know why I did some things I did? I look back with surprise - I don’t know! All I know is that I am here. Carrying the past with me, a past filled with memories that come to greet me at the oddest of moments., plunging me into inexplicable sadness And hoping for the future. For love, for peace. And if not that, then faith and courage.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Chatter
I have made a checklist of all that I need to do before leaving. The checklist is divided between my prep for Manila and stuff that I need to put in place for Bangalore. It includes the list of items I need to buy as well. Despite all this, I know I will forget some stuff that I shall remember only later, but what the heck, imagine the chaos if I had NOT done this!
But do I leave with a clean, light heart? No. I am scared and apprehensive about what this will do to what is fast becoming one of the most critical relationships in life. Not that that itself is without some basic issues. In the sunshine of the day, I am able to balance these concerns with the "other shoe" approach and reason out the wrinkles into smooth silence. But in the twilight of sleep they sometimes come back to haunt me. They cause the occasional pouts and silences, otherwise remaining mournfully within. Most logical people will tell me that this is silly and destructive behavior, but when I know there is no resolution possible, I dont see the point of creating unnecessary friction by articulating them. This may be the approach of a quitter, in which I case surprise myself. At least I continue to have that capacity :)
One area where there's no surprise is my reaction to the "others" in his life. I had made a comment in Nov 06 which was a clear articulation of what I felt at that time, as well as what I knew I would continue to feel. There's no right or wrong to it, its just that I belong to a different planet and artlessly facing, literally or not, the past and potential loves of a loved one takes its toll on me. I know I cant do much about it, because this is inherently me, but I will at least try to control my expression of my emotions here and avoid potential fallouts due to this extremely silly (in hindsight) concern.
The entry of people like Man, Such and by extension, Shal, into my life reminds me of that period in 2005 when I felt that my values and priorities were inverted by the mirror of reality. Which is why I am clear that despite occasionally being with these people, they are not "friends" at least not yet. This constant reminder will keep me on my toes in the future...I do NOT want to face that crisis again where my emptiness at spending time with "non friends" causes me anguish and anger at myself. Time is a precious commodity to me, and I can think of many better ways to spend it, including just being with myself.
While on that subject, I have managed to spend time with what I call my "sanity" people - D, U - in the past few days. Today too, I will spend more time with D and hopefully meet L as well. I would be keen to get L's reaction to DB. While D may be more intelligent and U more sensitive, L's instincts are usually the best with people. Furthermore, its the context that makes his reaction more important to me. U has come around to being supportive, D continues to be an irritable ostrich.
At least I am reasonably more occupied at work, as I prepare for the trip - both from an assignment and logistical perspective. As usual, the last week I am sure will be much more hectic than all the previous 3 put together! I am glad, it will prevent me from thinking and worrying.
Right now, the focus is on this weekend. Last weekend was so so nice. This one will hopefully be decent too. At least Sunday evening onwards promises to be fun, provided a certain Kamat agrees - Filmfare awards, Coffee with Karan and Oscars :)
But do I leave with a clean, light heart? No. I am scared and apprehensive about what this will do to what is fast becoming one of the most critical relationships in life. Not that that itself is without some basic issues. In the sunshine of the day, I am able to balance these concerns with the "other shoe" approach and reason out the wrinkles into smooth silence. But in the twilight of sleep they sometimes come back to haunt me. They cause the occasional pouts and silences, otherwise remaining mournfully within. Most logical people will tell me that this is silly and destructive behavior, but when I know there is no resolution possible, I dont see the point of creating unnecessary friction by articulating them. This may be the approach of a quitter, in which I case surprise myself. At least I continue to have that capacity :)
One area where there's no surprise is my reaction to the "others" in his life. I had made a comment in Nov 06 which was a clear articulation of what I felt at that time, as well as what I knew I would continue to feel. There's no right or wrong to it, its just that I belong to a different planet and artlessly facing, literally or not, the past and potential loves of a loved one takes its toll on me. I know I cant do much about it, because this is inherently me, but I will at least try to control my expression of my emotions here and avoid potential fallouts due to this extremely silly (in hindsight) concern.
The entry of people like Man, Such and by extension, Shal, into my life reminds me of that period in 2005 when I felt that my values and priorities were inverted by the mirror of reality. Which is why I am clear that despite occasionally being with these people, they are not "friends" at least not yet. This constant reminder will keep me on my toes in the future...I do NOT want to face that crisis again where my emptiness at spending time with "non friends" causes me anguish and anger at myself. Time is a precious commodity to me, and I can think of many better ways to spend it, including just being with myself.
While on that subject, I have managed to spend time with what I call my "sanity" people - D, U - in the past few days. Today too, I will spend more time with D and hopefully meet L as well. I would be keen to get L's reaction to DB. While D may be more intelligent and U more sensitive, L's instincts are usually the best with people. Furthermore, its the context that makes his reaction more important to me. U has come around to being supportive, D continues to be an irritable ostrich.
At least I am reasonably more occupied at work, as I prepare for the trip - both from an assignment and logistical perspective. As usual, the last week I am sure will be much more hectic than all the previous 3 put together! I am glad, it will prevent me from thinking and worrying.
Right now, the focus is on this weekend. Last weekend was so so nice. This one will hopefully be decent too. At least Sunday evening onwards promises to be fun, provided a certain Kamat agrees - Filmfare awards, Coffee with Karan and Oscars :)
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Iggly piggly stuff
There are so many impressions, opinions and thoughts doing the rounds of the concentric circles of my mind that I dont have the energy to even articulate them anymore, let alone record. The careful ironies of middle class "values", the conveniences of relationships, the intricasies of the infidel, the pain of loved ones, the romance vs comfort tussle in a relationship, the beauty of a human mind, the demons of the human soul.....
Some of these are a reaction to the events happening in other people's lives, others are an off shoot of bits of internal flotsam that keep rising to the surface now and then.
Right now, I shall have tea.
:)
Some of these are a reaction to the events happening in other people's lives, others are an off shoot of bits of internal flotsam that keep rising to the surface now and then.
Right now, I shall have tea.
:)
Monday, February 19, 2007
Morning Ruminations
Its probably the first time I am blogging early in the morning! It’s a dull, slightly warm morning, very unlike the type I associate with Bangalore. DB’s just left and I am compiling the papers for my visa application while the maid cleans her way through the living room. A look at my last few posts confirms my suspicion – 9 to 5 jobs are not my style. I have barely worked for the past 2 weeks, just kept enough on my plate to get by the day, have been enjoying myself with a lovely evening life and been reading regularly. If I had read this on someone else’s blog while I was in my normal throes of working, I would have been heartily envious, but not now. In perfect alignment with my mother, my idle mind has been occupied with more devils than I care to count, all driving me to the verge of destructive behavior. Thankfully, the two weeks beginning today will be anything but idle, with the preparation for the (hopefully) travel. Prep work for the logistics/arrangements and prep work for the actual assignment. This shall keep the devils at bay, till I am suddenly free again and thought/emotion return. It scares me to even think about that day and so I wont. I shall now take out the clothes for the day and go for my bath.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Dramatic travails of a bruised heart
Picking up shards of broken glass. Snuffing out the blue tinted candle. The stillness in the air. The nagging tooth ache. Donning the black kurta. The aggression of memory – the switched off phone, the 2 day gaps. Yet - no feeling, just blankness. No doubts, just numbness. Sleepy, very sleepy. Woken up by the grind of the house being built next door. Tea, conversation against the backdrop of loud music, canned laughter and grinding. A drop in the car, then back to unhappy, sweaty sleep. Wake up, return to feeling. Doubts, anger. The back aches, the head pounds. Sour faced dentists deliver bad news and cranky horse cart owners dent the car. Meetings cancelled. Mails and messages of conflict and pain. Long drives in sticky weather. Now back to home. Wonder what awaits me? I long for a good ol’ fashioned cribbing session. But can cribbing lighten the load in my heart?
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Auto self destruct mode....
I am so scared of being happy. Its as if I am this young, bitter child of the street who knows that the glimpse of luxury doesn't actually mean luxury, that the taste of happiness could be wiped away at one go by the cruel Gods who extract penance for unkn0wn sins I have committed in this or past life.
My fault, or "nadaani" as L would call it, has been that I have treated this fear of happiness logically. You are scared of water, you stay away from it. DOES NOT mean that if you fear happiness, you stay away from it. That's self destructive. And I am conscious that all of us, however "positive" or "optimistic" we may believe ourselves to be, have that self destructive streak in us.
I just hope that my fear doesn't destroy me.
My fault, or "nadaani" as L would call it, has been that I have treated this fear of happiness logically. You are scared of water, you stay away from it. DOES NOT mean that if you fear happiness, you stay away from it. That's self destructive. And I am conscious that all of us, however "positive" or "optimistic" we may believe ourselves to be, have that self destructive streak in us.
I just hope that my fear doesn't destroy me.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Losing my war against the big C
I do what I think is right, what comes naturally to me. I act and I react impulsively, and I pretty much am myself most of the time. I rarely think about cost/benefit analysis on a day to day basis and I never hold others accountable for what I am doing or what I am responsible for. I express my likes/dislikes, pleasure/irritation points openly and usually let the flow of my thoughts and emotions be governed by the flow of the relationship and the other’s behavior. A lot of times I am told “you do a lot for me/him/her”. I don’t know…I just do what I feel like doing and I am usually willing to lay down my life for the people I love.
All this implies trust. And one trusts on the assumption that that trust wont be abused or broken. What really really gets my goat (as in, gets me genuinely angry as opposed to merely irritated) is when people push the limits on this front – taking my reactions for granted (for example, creating issues that they know are important enough to affect me but small enough for me not to act churlish); manipulating my activities to suit their convenience; physically or mentally exacting a lot from me when they know I cant afford that; making me compromise on what I believe/want, all the while knowing that if I refuse to compromise, I will be forced to make choices which they know I wont.
What they DON’T understand is that even if I am allowing this trust to be abused, my mind may forget but my heart wont. Cracks within always develop into cracks outside sooner or later, and you may think that “I will make up for it tomorrow” but honey, tomorrow cant mend the past, it can only soothe. Another thing – somewhere I would lose that respect for you, and a bit of respect for myself as well; and respect is very very very important to me, the day I feel a sense of loss on that front, I will end any relationship, no matter what the cost.
Naturally, my boiling points are different for different people. And so are my final reactions (for example, with U once, I reached that point after a LOT and even then, I just changed my tactic, I didn’t give up). But it would heed to remember that are LIMITS.
For the past few days, I have been thinking of that. Because a LOT of people, at work and outside, have been behaving this way. Unfortunately most of these people are those who have entered my life recently (i.e. in the past 1-1.5 yrs), making me question my judgment of people.
And the people I am closest to – Mum, U, D, L – continue to be the ones who set the benchmark for being impeccable guardians of my trust.
That’s what keeps me sane. The thought of these wonderful people – whose souls I love, whose characters I respect, whose lives bring me positive – keep the increasing cynicism at bay, the cynicism at the numerous people I find around me who are cheating, lying, manipulating, confusing, avoiding……yes I know this is unnecessarily dramatic, but SERIOUSLY. There is just TOO much negativity!!!! And its making me pissed because I DON’T want to be negative. I DON’T want to think twice before acting. I DON’T want to indulge in psychological warfare. I DON’T want to be careful about what I express. I DON’T want to think about give/take in relationships. I DON’T want to go in with the basic assumption that everyone is out to screw me.
But its becoming an increasingly difficult battle to fight.
All this implies trust. And one trusts on the assumption that that trust wont be abused or broken. What really really gets my goat (as in, gets me genuinely angry as opposed to merely irritated) is when people push the limits on this front – taking my reactions for granted (for example, creating issues that they know are important enough to affect me but small enough for me not to act churlish); manipulating my activities to suit their convenience; physically or mentally exacting a lot from me when they know I cant afford that; making me compromise on what I believe/want, all the while knowing that if I refuse to compromise, I will be forced to make choices which they know I wont.
What they DON’T understand is that even if I am allowing this trust to be abused, my mind may forget but my heart wont. Cracks within always develop into cracks outside sooner or later, and you may think that “I will make up for it tomorrow” but honey, tomorrow cant mend the past, it can only soothe. Another thing – somewhere I would lose that respect for you, and a bit of respect for myself as well; and respect is very very very important to me, the day I feel a sense of loss on that front, I will end any relationship, no matter what the cost.
Naturally, my boiling points are different for different people. And so are my final reactions (for example, with U once, I reached that point after a LOT and even then, I just changed my tactic, I didn’t give up). But it would heed to remember that are LIMITS.
For the past few days, I have been thinking of that. Because a LOT of people, at work and outside, have been behaving this way. Unfortunately most of these people are those who have entered my life recently (i.e. in the past 1-1.5 yrs), making me question my judgment of people.
And the people I am closest to – Mum, U, D, L – continue to be the ones who set the benchmark for being impeccable guardians of my trust.
That’s what keeps me sane. The thought of these wonderful people – whose souls I love, whose characters I respect, whose lives bring me positive – keep the increasing cynicism at bay, the cynicism at the numerous people I find around me who are cheating, lying, manipulating, confusing, avoiding……yes I know this is unnecessarily dramatic, but SERIOUSLY. There is just TOO much negativity!!!! And its making me pissed because I DON’T want to be negative. I DON’T want to think twice before acting. I DON’T want to indulge in psychological warfare. I DON’T want to be careful about what I express. I DON’T want to think about give/take in relationships. I DON’T want to go in with the basic assumption that everyone is out to screw me.
But its becoming an increasingly difficult battle to fight.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Dilution of deserved rewards
I was very happy last night, yet wasnt really able to enjoy the happiness, because of the numerous other related issues clouding my mind. Am just not able to relax, my mind keeps going over those seemingly minor incidents (the 2 day gap, the wrong sms, the switch off) which somehow have a much larger symbolic significance in my mind. The problem is, that there's no clear solution except to make drastic choices, which I dont want to.
What the f**k is this....I deserve my happiness, dont I????? I have been good, I have made efforts, I have changed myself a lot, I have bloody hell been through a bloody hell of a lot....why the f**k cant I have my cake and eat it too for a change???????????
I dont know what this trip is gng to achieve, but even action for the sake of action seems like a diversion to me.
What the f**k is this....I deserve my happiness, dont I????? I have been good, I have made efforts, I have changed myself a lot, I have bloody hell been through a bloody hell of a lot....why the f**k cant I have my cake and eat it too for a change???????????
I dont know what this trip is gng to achieve, but even action for the sake of action seems like a diversion to me.
Conflicts and crunches
24th Jan will always be counted as the “sms” day for me. An sms that brought be right back to the basic – How far am I willing to go to save what I cherish? And to what extent will I compromise on my beliefs to do so? Do all such decisions ultimately come down to a cost benefit analysis? How far can I compartmentalize my life? And can I believe that someone else can compartmentalize me to the extent that I am always safe, no matter what happens in the other “compartments”? Can I really view a potentially explosive emotional situation (for me) with a detached eye and take a decision by brain, not heart? When confronted with a conflict between my instincts and my brain, who will I listen to, in a crunch? And, despite my outwardly calm demeanor, a crunch it is.
Yesterday was probably one of the most exhausting days of my life. I was fire fighting and coordinating from 8 in the morning onwards (after having closed the ppt at 2 am and slept at 3 am). I was talking, listening through the day. I was planning minutes/hours in advance. I hardly ate anything normal, mainly survived on cookies and muffins and coffee. I finally ended the day at 11:30 and slept under the influence of a few drinks. All this while, I was thinking….about the changes soon to come, about the possibility of a reunion in the coming week, about the plans that I need to make…..and then, from 4 pm onwards, of all of the questions/thoughts listed above….my brain was whizzing with thoughts I didn’t have time to structure, my heart was wrenched with emotions I didn’t have time classify, and all this while I was this smiling, efficient machine that ensured that the day was smooth and productive for the people I was taking care of.
Today, I will find the silence I need to absorb all of yesterday’s produce. And then I will respond. Yes, respond. Not react.
Yesterday was probably one of the most exhausting days of my life. I was fire fighting and coordinating from 8 in the morning onwards (after having closed the ppt at 2 am and slept at 3 am). I was talking, listening through the day. I was planning minutes/hours in advance. I hardly ate anything normal, mainly survived on cookies and muffins and coffee. I finally ended the day at 11:30 and slept under the influence of a few drinks. All this while, I was thinking….about the changes soon to come, about the possibility of a reunion in the coming week, about the plans that I need to make…..and then, from 4 pm onwards, of all of the questions/thoughts listed above….my brain was whizzing with thoughts I didn’t have time to structure, my heart was wrenched with emotions I didn’t have time classify, and all this while I was this smiling, efficient machine that ensured that the day was smooth and productive for the people I was taking care of.
Today, I will find the silence I need to absorb all of yesterday’s produce. And then I will respond. Yes, respond. Not react.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Judgment and compassion
Opinions vary on whether I am judgmental or not. Some people - having been able to talk to me about their foibles and falls without getting embarassed, having been recipients of a patient, quieter me - think I am not. Others - partners in my thought process, witness to my strong opinions, stand on controversial areas - think I most certainly am.
At the cost of sounding a cliche, I am myself not sure. Because I dont really understand what the word judgmental means. The dictionary confuses me further. It uses the term "to judge" in its meaning and the word "judgmental" includes "to judge" in its meaning :)
Yes, I am judgmental to the extent that I form opinions, I believe in right/wrong actions and I believe that good follows right and bad follows wrong. So I judge events, actions, even words. But people? I dont judge people. I dont classify them. I dont cast them as heroes or villians and I avoid stereotyping as much as possible. I realise people are fallible and they make mistakes, stupid mistakes, terrible one even, that destroy others as much as themselves, but I also believe that it's not my lot to carry out the sentence. Whether it be as a friend, son, brother, confidant or lover, I have to do what I believe is right for me - and that usually means just being there. Because that's what they need.
Has anyone thought about WHY i am so hung up on being clear as to right/wrong, forming opinions and passing judgment left, right and centre? It is not because I perceive myself to be a moral guardian of my world. Instead, its because I realise that most of us dont really have the ability to be truly detached and unemotional enough to carry out actions just as actions, without letting a moral connotation get attached to them.
What this implies is that wrong actions invariably lead to sadness all around. Simple as that. Doing something for the wrong reasons, lying to yourself, lying to someone else - this may get us convenient results in the immediate run (and we think "oh! I am so smart, having my cake and eating it too!") but sooner or later, our guilt or the others' instincts create a cycle of events that usually lead to either pain or inner death.
I realise that I am sounding like a sanctimonious saint here, but truly I am not. I just feel very very sad when I see people going through pain, especially pain that they could have avoided. Or when I see people living lives in a clinical fashion, deriving joy as per convenience...a death I would not wish on anyone.
At the cost of sounding a cliche, I am myself not sure. Because I dont really understand what the word judgmental means. The dictionary confuses me further. It uses the term "to judge" in its meaning and the word "judgmental" includes "to judge" in its meaning :)
Yes, I am judgmental to the extent that I form opinions, I believe in right/wrong actions and I believe that good follows right and bad follows wrong. So I judge events, actions, even words. But people? I dont judge people. I dont classify them. I dont cast them as heroes or villians and I avoid stereotyping as much as possible. I realise people are fallible and they make mistakes, stupid mistakes, terrible one even, that destroy others as much as themselves, but I also believe that it's not my lot to carry out the sentence. Whether it be as a friend, son, brother, confidant or lover, I have to do what I believe is right for me - and that usually means just being there. Because that's what they need.
Has anyone thought about WHY i am so hung up on being clear as to right/wrong, forming opinions and passing judgment left, right and centre? It is not because I perceive myself to be a moral guardian of my world. Instead, its because I realise that most of us dont really have the ability to be truly detached and unemotional enough to carry out actions just as actions, without letting a moral connotation get attached to them.
What this implies is that wrong actions invariably lead to sadness all around. Simple as that. Doing something for the wrong reasons, lying to yourself, lying to someone else - this may get us convenient results in the immediate run (and we think "oh! I am so smart, having my cake and eating it too!") but sooner or later, our guilt or the others' instincts create a cycle of events that usually lead to either pain or inner death.
I realise that I am sounding like a sanctimonious saint here, but truly I am not. I just feel very very sad when I see people going through pain, especially pain that they could have avoided. Or when I see people living lives in a clinical fashion, deriving joy as per convenience...a death I would not wish on anyone.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Drunken ruminations
Friday was when it all struck me. Along with the martinis and the margaritas, I sipped at the crazy cocktail that my life had become. The chill of change, the hint of the past, the sharpness of emotions, the volume of activity, the taste of love, the flow of people...after a long, long time, I was in a state of near inebriation, something I can afford to be only with people I trust. This time, it was Nik.
My head didn't ache the next day, but my heart did, after the morning conversation. I guess one can never escape a hangover.
My head didn't ache the next day, but my heart did, after the morning conversation. I guess one can never escape a hangover.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
2006 lists!!
It gets a bit tiring obsessing about yourself and dissecting your thoughts and emotions…I don’t know how others stand it! Yes, am going through a depression….well, so be it. For now, am relegating it to the background. Soon my mind (sub conscious?) will tire itself and join the surface cooler waters.
In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy myself making lists.
The first one, to cheer the fab year that Bollywood has had, is my favorite movies of 2006 –
Top 10
Gangster – hopeless romanticism; Shiney’s eyes; lovely music; great shots and flow
Dhoom 2 – sheer adrenaline; beautiful people; Hrithik = God
Omkara – one of the most well made movies of all time; the intensity; the quieter performances
Rang De Basanti – the sheer idea; the lullaby song; the truly ensemble cast/performances
Don – so much fun!; SRK super cool; well picturised songs
Dor – the uniqueness and simplicity of the story and performanes
Corporate – simple, well told story; Bips’ look
Golmaal – genuinely good comedy; cute Tusshar
Fanaa – here only because of Kajol
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna – surprisingly better than expected; beautiful to look at; dared to make a movie with dislikable main characters
Runner ups (!!)
Krrish
Lage Raho Munnabhai
Taxi no. 9211
Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota
Mixed Doubles
Disappointments
15 Park Avenue
Bas Ek Pal
Didn’t see (not that I missed anything)
Kabul Express
Babul
Vivah
In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy myself making lists.
The first one, to cheer the fab year that Bollywood has had, is my favorite movies of 2006 –
Top 10
Gangster – hopeless romanticism; Shiney’s eyes; lovely music; great shots and flow
Dhoom 2 – sheer adrenaline; beautiful people; Hrithik = God
Omkara – one of the most well made movies of all time; the intensity; the quieter performances
Rang De Basanti – the sheer idea; the lullaby song; the truly ensemble cast/performances
Don – so much fun!; SRK super cool; well picturised songs
Dor – the uniqueness and simplicity of the story and performanes
Corporate – simple, well told story; Bips’ look
Golmaal – genuinely good comedy; cute Tusshar
Fanaa – here only because of Kajol
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna – surprisingly better than expected; beautiful to look at; dared to make a movie with dislikable main characters
Runner ups (!!)
Krrish
Lage Raho Munnabhai
Taxi no. 9211
Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota
Mixed Doubles
Disappointments
15 Park Avenue
Bas Ek Pal
Didn’t see (not that I missed anything)
Kabul Express
Babul
Vivah
Last year, I had made a list of "changes" in the list of people I am close to. This time, I am just making a list of all the people I am close to - at the cost of sounding offensive, an inventory so to speak!
Mum, U, D, L, DB (new)
Shk, Shw, Dom, Sidh
H, Sau (up), Nik (up) , Rku, M, Aish, Shal
Ven (down), Sej, Meet (new), Sid, Jas, Am (new), Ar, Ank
Sm (new), LC (new), Son, Poo (down), Shilpa, Amit, Man (new)
K, Lord, V (in and out)
Cant think of any other lists right now....its late at night, and after a highly satisfying conversation, I am happier :)
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Stop the lift. Press the Down button
The low is coming on after ages of holding it in check for the constant stream of activities in my life. This time the catalyst is the book I just finished - The Married Man. This book, loaded with emotion and atmosphere, I read mainly in the compressed cabins of airplanes from which there was no escape.
I know that I felt as if I was floating through a graceful dance of recognition and pain, I know that I smiled sometimes and wept twice, I know that the reading of the book was given company by my own set of recollections and thoughts.....but it all seems so blurred now. What was I thinking? What were those memories that those lines triggered off, and why could I remember the feel of those memories but not the details? Mum leading Dad into the bathroom, emanciated and dependent....the phone call last year....the expression on DB's face when he turned around...the tear down L's cheek....the blank, pain hazed stare of Mum....why are all these memories so hazy yet feel so sharp? As time passes, will they morph into one long glaze of sweet pain, the kind that's recalled under the influence of love or alcohol? Will they even be true? Or will they become urban legends of my own mind?
I know I am tired. And angry. Yes, I have accepted the fact that I need to look at life as an overall package. Yes, I know that the deal is that you pay a price for everything you get, and the price gets higher as the things get better. And yes, I have got used to the feeling of always having my heart cut out across cities and always "missing" a loved one. But I am still angry. The anger is doubled because there is really no choice. Or rather, the choice is one that I care not to make.
I know that I need to slow down. But I already am uncomfortably aware that that's one resolution which is not getting actioned this year. If anything, the ambiguity is going to keep me even more on my toes than the last two years put together.
I know that today time stood still. The drive, the shopping, the food, the goodbye. Life is never going to be the same again.
I know this is a low that's not going away easily.
I know that I felt as if I was floating through a graceful dance of recognition and pain, I know that I smiled sometimes and wept twice, I know that the reading of the book was given company by my own set of recollections and thoughts.....but it all seems so blurred now. What was I thinking? What were those memories that those lines triggered off, and why could I remember the feel of those memories but not the details? Mum leading Dad into the bathroom, emanciated and dependent....the phone call last year....the expression on DB's face when he turned around...the tear down L's cheek....the blank, pain hazed stare of Mum....why are all these memories so hazy yet feel so sharp? As time passes, will they morph into one long glaze of sweet pain, the kind that's recalled under the influence of love or alcohol? Will they even be true? Or will they become urban legends of my own mind?
I know I am tired. And angry. Yes, I have accepted the fact that I need to look at life as an overall package. Yes, I know that the deal is that you pay a price for everything you get, and the price gets higher as the things get better. And yes, I have got used to the feeling of always having my heart cut out across cities and always "missing" a loved one. But I am still angry. The anger is doubled because there is really no choice. Or rather, the choice is one that I care not to make.
I know that I need to slow down. But I already am uncomfortably aware that that's one resolution which is not getting actioned this year. If anything, the ambiguity is going to keep me even more on my toes than the last two years put together.
I know that today time stood still. The drive, the shopping, the food, the goodbye. Life is never going to be the same again.
I know this is a low that's not going away easily.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
From black to white to grey...turn of the year
I have just finished watching The Squid and the Whale. Though I liked it, I am not sure why it’s been so acclaimed. I am sitting in a heated room under a green blanket with a blank white wall in front of me – the sheer lack of taste, good or bad, is itself depressing. The temperature outside is somewhere in the range of 1 to 5, and that cheers me. Its twelve on the night of the first of January 2007, and for some unfathomable reason I have been avoiding writing about it.
Is it the past?
2006 has had its fair share of ups and downs, but the one thing I am glad about is that, for the first time, I took not one but two leaps of faith and didn’t falter. The year had started with me getting settled into a role that was a significant distance from my responsibilities earlier. I was nervous, tense and yet, thanks to the kind of support being given to me, strangely confident as well. I didn’t think too much about it and just threw myself into work, waking up a few months later to realize that I had passed the litmus test somewhere on the way. I fought another battle with my insecure, cynical self in the second half of the year, when, out of the blue, I was faced with a prospect I had believed pretty much impossible till then. Once again I responded to someone else’s faith and took that leap, consciously avoided thinking about what I was doing and before I knew it, I was in the most wondrous experience of my life.
So why have I been avoiding writing?
Is it the present?
The ‘new year’ is always significant for me because my two most important objectives are to be at peace with myself (so I can think and feel clearly) and have a pleasant Day1 (that sets the tone for the year).
The turn of the year from 2006 to 2007 will symbolize many things for me – love, pain, thought, winter, fog, cold, food, love, activity, laughter, beauty, winter, food, walks, drives, pain.
The experience of being in Simla (and now Narkanda) with the people I am closest to has been great. The biting cold, the constant hunger, the silly laughter, the quiet companionship, the exhausting drives, the beautiful mountains…all have been equally welcome and equally enriching.
So why have I been avoiding writing?
Because of the future?
Well…there are no doubt some tensions. I continue to be worried about Mum’s health (and for that matter my own). My finances are yet to get in order and its high time they did, so that’s something I somehow need to achieve. But there’s a lot positive as well – including the upcoming event in the family and DB. So the overall balance is not too bad (though that too is marred by the anger of distant locations)
I finally arrive at the inevitable - the basic reason for avoidance is what has traditionally been the reason for avoiding anything – fear.
Never before in my life has the future looked so grey, so uncertain, so ambiguous and so marred with conflict. I have no clue what’s going to happen at work – which location or locations will I be in, what role or roles will I do, what my career path is going to be. I have no clue how my family role will pan out – how will mum’s health shape up, what will D & A’s plans work out, what locations we all will be in. I have no clue where I am going with DB or will this stand the test of time and conflicting priorities. And these three priorities….no, let me call them something else….these three parts of my soul may end up conflicting with each other. That’s something I have faced earlier too in my life but have worked hard (very hard) to ensure none suffered. For the first time, I sense a loss of control, a sense of being swept with tides that may dash me against the rocks and break my soul into three distinct parts, thus effectively killing it.
That is what I am scared of. Fundamentally, feverishly scared of.
In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy the balance 3 days of my holiday and start working out the broad “resolutions” for the coming year.
Que sera sera.
Is it the past?
2006 has had its fair share of ups and downs, but the one thing I am glad about is that, for the first time, I took not one but two leaps of faith and didn’t falter. The year had started with me getting settled into a role that was a significant distance from my responsibilities earlier. I was nervous, tense and yet, thanks to the kind of support being given to me, strangely confident as well. I didn’t think too much about it and just threw myself into work, waking up a few months later to realize that I had passed the litmus test somewhere on the way. I fought another battle with my insecure, cynical self in the second half of the year, when, out of the blue, I was faced with a prospect I had believed pretty much impossible till then. Once again I responded to someone else’s faith and took that leap, consciously avoided thinking about what I was doing and before I knew it, I was in the most wondrous experience of my life.
So why have I been avoiding writing?
Is it the present?
The ‘new year’ is always significant for me because my two most important objectives are to be at peace with myself (so I can think and feel clearly) and have a pleasant Day1 (that sets the tone for the year).
The turn of the year from 2006 to 2007 will symbolize many things for me – love, pain, thought, winter, fog, cold, food, love, activity, laughter, beauty, winter, food, walks, drives, pain.
The experience of being in Simla (and now Narkanda) with the people I am closest to has been great. The biting cold, the constant hunger, the silly laughter, the quiet companionship, the exhausting drives, the beautiful mountains…all have been equally welcome and equally enriching.
So why have I been avoiding writing?
Because of the future?
Well…there are no doubt some tensions. I continue to be worried about Mum’s health (and for that matter my own). My finances are yet to get in order and its high time they did, so that’s something I somehow need to achieve. But there’s a lot positive as well – including the upcoming event in the family and DB. So the overall balance is not too bad (though that too is marred by the anger of distant locations)
I finally arrive at the inevitable - the basic reason for avoidance is what has traditionally been the reason for avoiding anything – fear.
Never before in my life has the future looked so grey, so uncertain, so ambiguous and so marred with conflict. I have no clue what’s going to happen at work – which location or locations will I be in, what role or roles will I do, what my career path is going to be. I have no clue how my family role will pan out – how will mum’s health shape up, what will D & A’s plans work out, what locations we all will be in. I have no clue where I am going with DB or will this stand the test of time and conflicting priorities. And these three priorities….no, let me call them something else….these three parts of my soul may end up conflicting with each other. That’s something I have faced earlier too in my life but have worked hard (very hard) to ensure none suffered. For the first time, I sense a loss of control, a sense of being swept with tides that may dash me against the rocks and break my soul into three distinct parts, thus effectively killing it.
That is what I am scared of. Fundamentally, feverishly scared of.
In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy the balance 3 days of my holiday and start working out the broad “resolutions” for the coming year.
Que sera sera.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Nightmares and Positivity
The re occurence of the old nightmare has against infused a tension into me that will not go away easily. As usual, it is not the event itself but the sense of helplessness and the lack of solution that causes the tension.
I know I have said this before and I will probably say this a thousand times till I die, but there's nothing more painful to me than the suffering of loved ones. This reminds of something that I read yesterday - it is the strong who suffer the most. To my shock, I realise this is one of the truest statements I have ever come across in all senses.
I dont know if its my disgusting (hallucinatory) positivity or the reality that life is beautiful (!), but I continue to be glad about the fact that for all these tensions, I have ways and means of dealing with it as well, whether it be my own common sense or the affection of loved ones.
That still doesnt take away the gut wrenching pain I feel when I know a loved one has slept with a disturbed mind....or is spending the day in a haze of suffering....and I stand by the side.
How am I going get out of this cycle and whether its in me to even try to do this, I dont know. For now, I live with it.
I know I have said this before and I will probably say this a thousand times till I die, but there's nothing more painful to me than the suffering of loved ones. This reminds of something that I read yesterday - it is the strong who suffer the most. To my shock, I realise this is one of the truest statements I have ever come across in all senses.
I dont know if its my disgusting (hallucinatory) positivity or the reality that life is beautiful (!), but I continue to be glad about the fact that for all these tensions, I have ways and means of dealing with it as well, whether it be my own common sense or the affection of loved ones.
That still doesnt take away the gut wrenching pain I feel when I know a loved one has slept with a disturbed mind....or is spending the day in a haze of suffering....and I stand by the side.
How am I going get out of this cycle and whether its in me to even try to do this, I dont know. For now, I live with it.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Painful ironies
There was so much wrong. And yet my mind just ignored it and focused on my attention on what could be right. Made me look beyond the surface, beyond the conventionalities of judgment, on the possibilities, the potential. In a way, I surrendered my will to a deeper, wiser instinct that guided me to where I am today.
Today, there is so much right. And yet my mind refuses to rest easy and keeps visiting the areas that could be wrong. Bitter irony it might be, it is also irritating and destructive. I strongly believe in self fulfilling prophecies and I DON’T want this one to be like that. As I keep saying, I can fight against the whole world but cant fight inwards.
But I don’t know what to do – the “could be wrong” areas are based on a maze of assumptions, possibly over-intellectualized thought, imagination, over reactive tendencies….or could be based on rational thought disguised as instinct, patterns that are below the surface and my understanding of people.
The thing is – I don’t know. And the best thing to do about such situations is to leave them alone. Yet those nagging fears and apprehensions don’t listen to such logic. They gnaw at me, snipe at me and at best, circle me warily if I react strongly.
Today, there is so much right. And yet my mind refuses to rest easy and keeps visiting the areas that could be wrong. Bitter irony it might be, it is also irritating and destructive. I strongly believe in self fulfilling prophecies and I DON’T want this one to be like that. As I keep saying, I can fight against the whole world but cant fight inwards.
But I don’t know what to do – the “could be wrong” areas are based on a maze of assumptions, possibly over-intellectualized thought, imagination, over reactive tendencies….or could be based on rational thought disguised as instinct, patterns that are below the surface and my understanding of people.
The thing is – I don’t know. And the best thing to do about such situations is to leave them alone. Yet those nagging fears and apprehensions don’t listen to such logic. They gnaw at me, snipe at me and at best, circle me warily if I react strongly.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Looking inwards to predict
One doesn't write just to record, right? I write because it helps me articulate and define my internal thoughts and emotions, clarify ambiguity (as far as possible) with the final outcome of understanding what's happening to/around me and then figuring out the map - internal and external - for the future. My blog especially plays the role of a navigator through my life.
And the reason I am saying all of this is to get to the bottom of why I have not blogged recently. Even though I seem to be perpetually racing against time, I have always found the space to capture those reams of thought and emotion at signifcant times of my life. And the past one month certainly comes in that category.
Transition out from current role, Unni's wedding, DB.....all these have translated into a surprisingly complex mix of emotions...complex because at a time, i was operating at multiple levels, often trying to reconcile "good" and "bad" at the same time. Not that that's something new for me, but it usually is blog worthy as well.
Yet I have sensed an internal resistance to capturing it in words. Maybe its just laziness or exhaustion, but I thnk it's probably my sense of the pointlessness of doing so - after all, none of what i am feeling or going through right now will have a bearing on what I will feel or go through tomorrow. Its a very very unusual situation to be in, but probably for the first time in my life, I am more interested in looking ahead than looking back.
More on that front in my "end of 2006-beginning of 2007" post.
And the reason I am saying all of this is to get to the bottom of why I have not blogged recently. Even though I seem to be perpetually racing against time, I have always found the space to capture those reams of thought and emotion at signifcant times of my life. And the past one month certainly comes in that category.
Transition out from current role, Unni's wedding, DB.....all these have translated into a surprisingly complex mix of emotions...complex because at a time, i was operating at multiple levels, often trying to reconcile "good" and "bad" at the same time. Not that that's something new for me, but it usually is blog worthy as well.
Yet I have sensed an internal resistance to capturing it in words. Maybe its just laziness or exhaustion, but I thnk it's probably my sense of the pointlessness of doing so - after all, none of what i am feeling or going through right now will have a bearing on what I will feel or go through tomorrow. Its a very very unusual situation to be in, but probably for the first time in my life, I am more interested in looking ahead than looking back.
More on that front in my "end of 2006-beginning of 2007" post.
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