Prague first...

I would have liked to really record my thoughts and impressions as I spent time in these two cities; there was so much to see, absorb, think about, feel, sense in both the places, and mostly positive too! I don't know what stops me from doing so. It's partly the same ol' laziness that has prevented me from doing so much else....and partly, it's also the thought of the wannabe writers springing up behind every door nowdays! I am so apprehensive at being part of this "sea of mediocrity" (as Mr. Mundol used to often say!) that I now shy away from it.

Anyway, this post is about Prague and NY and what I did (in the tradition started by Ms. Katy) -

In Prague...

• Bundled in cafe-owned blankets, or at least clothed in my own jackets, I spent a lot of time sitting in open-air cafes at various times in the evenings (never in the afternoons, I hate the sun), sipping tea or coffee (very good coffee!), the ever-faithful and loving book lying in my lap unread, looking at the stream of gorgeousness passing by (which I 'get' as compared to the consciousness).
• I did the best forearm exercise - take a metal object weighing approx. 150g in your right hand, lift the arm up, hold it there for a few minutes as you steady the hand, press a button with your forefinger and then bring your hand slowly down, bend your head to look at the output, repeat the raise-steady-click-lower routine a few more times until you are satisfied. Do this approximately 20 times a day with objects that provide you aesthetic pleasure (incredible range of architecture in the buildings) and you get the best of both worlds.
• I drank the best beer I have ever had (not that I am an expert or anything), mostly of the dark variety, in all the brands available. My favorite is the one I had with Rajan in the old town square - KRUŠOVICE (I googled it just now!). I also realised the legend is true - water IS more expensive than beer.
• I indulged my fat cells in food too. Ghoulash soup, huge chunks of sausage, unpronouncable-but-delicious dishes, huge soft sandwiches, bowls of yogurt with berries.
• I attended a couple of western classical concerts in old, beautiful churches. The lovely cliche was spoilt by the click-n-flash explosion generated by the tourists around me. I, in a very non-touristy fashion, did not carry a camera or a bag, sat alone and pretended not to notice anything. My imitation would have been spoilt if anyone had actually started a conversation with me about the music. All I could have said was that some of it sounded nice and some of it sounded familiar, and the conductor was very well dressed.
• I walked and walked and tested whether those expensive Geoxx shoes were really worth it. They were. I explored cobbled pathways (to find out that they lead to yet another shop selling "genuine Bohemian crystal"), retraced steps to look at building facades that struck me, revisited cafes and bars that I grew to like, went to multiple shops to find the "mera wala picture" for the bedroom wall, I climbed all the way up (and naturally all the way down) to the Prague castle grounds and basically went out walking whenever I was free.
• I visited a couple of old-fashioned g bars. I didnt know they existed. They had wooden walls, plastic tablecloths (right word?) and served food with drinks (a strict no-no in other bars). They also had friendlier people than the usual sada-hua variety. I guess age mellows them. I fit right in.
• I also had kadai chicken and naan on my first evening in Prague with a middle-aged, boring business lead who had nothing to say except office politics and who I don't particularly like. I put it down as a "work obligation" and will forever count it as one of my sacrifices.
• I also had a reasonably good time with Sid (though he's very very choon and a vegetarian and doesn't drink much and refused to be photographed even once). We visited a Brit g pub and gave polite smiles; we walked around at midnight looking for veg food that wasn't McD (I refused, period.); we ate Haagen Daaz ice cream on the pretty pretty St Charles bridge at a freezing midnight hour; we baited, caught and released a drunk German at 3 am; we exchanged numerous insults on our respective dressing sense; we climbed the Prague TV tower and looked out at views of the city.

Tools

Isn't it strange that over the years one gains so much capability in practically everything in life. but the basics - how do u deal with love/pain/depression/grief - still elude us. Not the most sparkling of original thoughts, I know, but relevant to what I am thinking/feeling right now.

I am getting into a low phase. The trigger was a 2 minute chat with a not-so-close friend, the (unintentional?) sharpness of whom took my breath away. But the overall "lowness" is probably a combination of many things. Physical downturn, general "cycle of life", Dolly's news, other worries about events coming up (people moving in/out).

I couldn't immerse myself in work. Nothing that interesting to immerse myself in, anyway. I ignored work and sank into a PG Wodehouse, armed with a chocolate. Didn't work. Chatted with a couple of close friends, felt slightly better but not much. Will now go to gym. Dont think that will help much, but will try. I think an evening out on movies is the best option. Will try and organize that. It will take the edge off.

Musings on an airplane

An elderly gentleman with his wife just passed my seat. He could barely walk, stooped and supported by his wife. I offered to help and she declined with a quiet smile. Another passenger in front of me was more sensible, he didn’t ask, he just took hold of the elderly man’s hand and guided him forward. The reason why this affects me more than normal is that I can picture daddy and mummy going through the same just a decade ago.

Coincidentally I happen to be watching a movie about a man who, at the age of 42, suddenly realizes his life is “boring”, that he’s not alive and proceeds to be brutally frank with his family and friends, brutal being the operative word. As of this moment, he’s gone to meet his father with whom he seems to have had a dysfunctional relationship.

I am not sure how the two are connected and don’t really care to articulate it either; I am not writing something to be published. What I do know is that both make me feel. A sense of regret, sadness…or maybe just pensiveness.

There’s so much pain in each of one of us. There’s so much pain in our loved ones. What’s “being alive” as opposed to be being just “tragic”? Why are we passive in our relationship with people? What’s this man thinking, that he’s left his wife and children in confusion and sadness, as he figures out his own self? What was I thinking, paying more attention to my own issues with daddy than to his excruciating physical (and, in hindsight, emotional) pain?

I have just returned from a 2 week trip to Prague and a week’s vacation in New York. At this moment, I am tired and a little unwell (not to mention bankrupt), but overall happy and cool. Tomorrow I could be, let’s change that to “will not be”, not. There will be pain. And confusion. And craziness. Physical discomfort. Embarrassments. To use an old-fashioned term, adversity.

Sometimes, even in the middle of a good time, it’s important to remember that. It’s the intellectual equivalent of making sure that you say your bedtime prayers regularly.

Time passes by...fast!

I spend a fair amount of time online so I wonder why I don't blog more...I guess writing requires dedicated, clear thought and I have a feeling that I have been less than adequately equipped with both dedication and clarity recently :) Anyway, the past few weeks have just flown by in a fuzzy sense of madness, emotion, celebration and exhaustion.

I started teaching in Aug (did I post about this yet?) and it's been an interesting experience so far. Like most much-anticipated activities, this hasn't turned out the way I expected it to be, but that's not to say it's any lesser....I am teaching a pre-determined university syllabus (filled with archaic topics!) of a subject I am not very fond of (compensation!) to a 40-strong group of not-very-strong-or-skilled students in an environment that can be described as strictly average. BUT I am making a difference, and that's what was the driver behind this anyway. My classes are on Friday and Saturday and necessitate me taking some hours off from work...but I make up for it in other ways. It will probably get a bit too hectic sometimes, esp. if there are weekend trip plans...but I know I will need to work around it, because this is something I want to do or at least try fully.

I also moved into the new place...seven days of pre and post-shifting activity that was exhausting and irritating, but necessary. I made long to-do lists and taped them on my wardrobe door, checking them off as they got done (some still lie unticked, like the bean bag that never came back!!). I made and re-made and re-made some more the budgets for the coming months...trying to balance the inflow and outflow (that seemed gigantic by comparison, oh lord, why do i earn so less!!). I displayed nothing short of superlative irritable/crotchety behavior towards everyone in general, but mostly towards DB, that has made impressions that will not wear off in a hurry. I also didn't indulge in much physical hard work and yet stopped exercising thanks to the hectic schedule, leading to more accumulation of inches and providing me with the belly of (alleged) prosperity. At the end of it all, I now reside in an apartment that's big, airy, clean, convenient, tastefully done up but doesn't have the coolness n character quotient of my previous one. Whatever. I am now sitting on a roomy balcony and typing away to glory in an atmosphere of near-silence, something that wasn't possible there. Of course, neither do I have leafy green trees to look at or a cool breeze to enjoy. So typical of life.

I had a wonderful short vacation, thanks to the symbolically significant first birthday of Bobo and my 30th birthday. That I consider the former to be a cause for celebration and the latter a cause for depression is a separate matter, but we all (Dhaka, Delhi n Mau) converged in Vedic Village for 3.5 days of revelry (as much of it as one can have with two toddlers!) on Aug 21. The start was rocky (bad rooms got allotted initially, Bobo was upset with our intrusive behavior) but things got sorted out and we actually managed to have a very decent amount of fun for the next few days (except Dolly n Mummy to an extent, as they had to contend with an ill-Bobo). Lavish rooms (villas actually, and I forgot to the take a snap of the bedroom-sized bathroom with a sunken bath and an open-air shower!), well appointed resort, loads n loads of greenery (with snakes provided with compliments of Mother Nature), cake from Flurys (the monetary cost of which, combined with the cost of Dolly's effort in getting in there, probably made one of the most expensive cakes ever consumed), champagne (drunk in normal water glasses, since the resort mgmt reneged at the last moment, bloody creeps!), constant flow of good food n drinks (and if the villas took 3 months off Anjan's annual salary, this took the bonus!), lazyboy/massage chairs (don't know what they are actually called) in each room, reasonable amount of independence to spend the days as you wished (faced with a grand total of 5 choices - sleep/ eat-drink/ swim/ spend-time-with-baby/ vegetate) and a heterogeneous group that managed to get along pretty well....all of it added up to pretty much the type of celebratory holiday we were aiming for! (marred by a highly uncomfortable and painful return trip for Dolly/Anjan/Mummy though)

So, well...that was the last big activity...came back and resumed life...a bit hectic (and a little frustrating) at work but have just completed a typical full weekend composed of classes (tiring, but nice), dentist (painful), shopping (a phone that's stylish - nice - and expensive - not nice), lunch (good but ended up giving me loosies), movie (wall e - very very cute n nice n thought provoking), another movie (rock on - really good) and a sunday that was lazy and beautiful :)

Another week is about to start...but there's stuff to look forward to and agonise about in the coming few weeks - my performance mgmt process....my possible prague trip (for which the visa still hasn't come!!)...dolly/mummy's arrival...so I have a feeling there's going to be another post probably around mid-Oct. Unless of course, I am struck by something provoking enough to make me log on and write again :)

To-do list for the next 4 months

> Move house (already in progress, to be done in Aug)
> Start going as guest/visiting faculty for BBA/MBA classes somewhere (effort started....fingers crossed)
> Instal an SIP (I actually know what this means. I also know the rates/sq feet for flats in different parts of the city. God help me....soon I will be talking about engines of cars and tax deduction policies. Sigh)
> Get sanity back into my life

Less than myself

I have been meaning to sit down and blog for several days now. The trigger each day is different.

A few days ago I returned from my Hyd trip, and what an amazing break it was. D and I did exactly what we love to do - a road trip and many movies (on separate days of course!). I do so want to record the details of those days...the long drives on mostly good roads, the monuments and ruins with interesting histories, the villages and the intermingling of cultures and the eager children who would run after us and show us around, the usually bad food punctuated by surprising authentic Punjabi and Rajasthani meals, the movie marathon, the laziness...all of it.

And then, in direct contrast, there's L. A sudden absence in my life, future unknown. I want to explore my reaction to this - the thoughts and the emotions and the roots of that emotion. I want to explore the issue as well as the trigger and figure out if I can make sense.

The thought of the near future occupies my days - the prospective travel, the shifting, the purchases, the expenses, the possibilities, the risks, the settling down....how am I going to pull this all together?? I want to think that through.

If my future occupies my day thoughts, the sub conscious is most certainly reserved for family. I know the pressure and near-depression that Dolly's going through; I know the sense of pressure & frustration that Anjan would be feeling; I know how helpless and sad Mummy would be. All of us want the same thing; we also know that the right things happen at the right time and so we should not get down...yet it still rankles, the uncertainty irritates and upsets and in the meanwhile, you keep calculating the days/weeks until your next meeting.

In the meanwhile, work goes from 0 to 0.5 in the indifference index. Things hang in limbo...there's a little more clarity but not much action. I am not getting what I wanted from this role...yet am unable to give it up because of what it has given. How silly is that...and how contradictory to my normal style of functioning.

And that, of course, brings me to that eternal question - have I compromised on myself? Have I traded in for someone lesser? Or have I just been fooling others all this while? This me - the irritable, snappy me - is it really me???

What's cause, what's effect? What role does DB play here? Is he the victim of my troubled soul or a contributor to it or probably both? Even if both, is it his fault? Unintentionally, yes. Intentionally, no. So, by the logic of my usually just and controllable mind, he shouldn't be at the receiving end. But he is. And that hurts me as much as it does him.

So well...these are the things that flow through the mind as I eat, sleep, gym, work, drive etc. etc. The only time I am a little at peace is when I am absorbed in a good book or movie - what a blessing they are!

Ideally this blog should have been a full fledged exploration...this listing is something I do daily in my mind, so it's not really helpful. But maybe someday later, it will remind me of myself in a weak moment, a mirror to a point in time when I felt less than myself.

Pouts and a slap

Disgruntled with work, disappointed with myself, upset with a best friend, irritable with my partner...this is certainly a new kind of low for me.

It's not as if I remain perpetually pouting. Today I went out for shopping and lunch with Smita and had a nice time. In the evening will meet Sonali for dinner and share some gossip over fine. I am also exercising regularly and hope to soon start reducing. And there's this thriller that I am reading that has me absolutely engrossed.....so anyway, daily life goes on.

But somewhere, I know that there are some things intrinsically wrong. I am not turned on by work nowdays; it keeps me occupied but my mindspace is empty. I am disgusted with the way I have dealt with the quality of life I have been afforded thanks to my role in the past 9 months. Yes, I got 3 months family team which was great. But what about the teaching? the social work? Or even gymming? And money??? 7 years into my career I dont have an investment plan and I have finally bought a miserable piece of land, the EMI for which doesn't even give me tax benefits. If I lose my job tomorrow, I will be on the streets. If I have an accident, I will have to starve.

I am not being overdramatic, just harsh. It's high time I was a little harsh with myself, looked myself carefully in the mirror and pointed a rude finger "Buddy, what the fuck is happening?".

It's usually my closest friends who act as this mirror to me. Just spending time with them is my reality check. One best friend is in US, one in Hyd, neither are the types who I can companionably chat or talk with long distance about inconsequential stuff. The third is here and has very little time and is now wrapped in some silly issues with himself that are now starting to get me and finally made me lose my temper (which I am not proud of, btw, and I DID say sorry, but didn't get a response...and anyway, that's another story)

So it's me. I have to clean myself up. And I will do so. I will update this blog in 2 months and take another cold, hard look at myself. Let's see.

Missing baby A

So many expressions of his flit through my mind in any idle moment…the frenzied movements and happy noise when he knows he’s about to go out; the sleepy monotone with the half-lidded eyes as he drifts to sleep on the swing; the determined playfulness as he would climb up on me to slap me around and wake me up in the morning; the false joviality and crinkling of eyes at certain words and expressions; the angry battering of hands when he’s denied the route he wants to go in; the puzzled-yet-determined look when a particular object of interest is refused to him; the intent exploration of usefulness of toys and cameras and cars on the street; the sheer glee when he witnessed his and our faces in the mirrors.

Unfortunately the bad times accompany the good ones. I don’t think I will ever, ever forget those moments in the hospital and his expressions that day, which moved from angry betrayal to pain to resignation. I don’t know which one hurt us more. I know we all died a little that day.

Now I can just imagine what he’s feeling. Dolly just told me that he’s been crying on and off for the past couple of days. There used to be a particular hanging pot that he was extremely fond of and I would (in my key responsibility as taxi driver) take him there to gaze up in wonder (even though he would be seeing it for the umpteenth time), watch him as he switched his glances between the pot, me and the revolving fan and sometimes even smile in glee, doing his enthusiastic “whoo, hoo” rumble. Now he doesn’t. Dolly takes him there, he looks at her, and then turns away. They try to keep him distracted and happy. He’s a baby after all, and he becomes ok in a few minutes.

So I thank god for this time I spent. There was stress, yes; and sadness too. But a lot of happiness as well. I am very very glad it worked out.

So life goes on. A month of love. Another few months of separation. He got introduced to this cycle too early. We are used to it.

The voices in my head make me cry

Is it a plane? Is it an alien? No! It’s Superman!

(At least that’s how I think it went)

Ok. I am nuts. Or nearly there. The flip flop of my emotions have done me in. The sense that I have just revisited my 30 years (not 30 yet!!) in the past couple of months has sapped my mind of coherent thought. I sit in the extremely crowded and noisy departure hall of Cal airport feeling a little like the Alice in Wonderland characters who have plenty to say but never make sense.

Bobo’s voice reverberates in my ears, going “hoo hoo hoo…” endlessly, pushing me with his body language (not to mention will) in every direction he wants to go. Mummy’s eyes are right in front of me, often tired, always loving, never complaining. Dolly is jumping, coaxing her son to laugh and giggle, and then he turns towards me again. “Hoo hoo hoo…”….”show me the mirror, take me outside…” and I feel like jumping up right now, holding my arms out like a taxi driver opens the door to eagerly awaiting passengers. Except that I won’t charge. At least not in cash. I want that smile, the happy eyes. Anjan sits smiling placidly, until his wife brings him back to reality with a reminder or a warning. He is tired too. And sleepy. But he is game for suggestions. And Bobo has plenty. He would like a quick bite for starters, and it could be even be his Mom’s shoulder….

And so it goes on. An endless replay of scenes in my mind, in full color and with Dolby sound. I can even patch the scenes together to create a full – fledged movie. Though it may appeal to only very esoteric European audiences who will take the khichdi I will serve as an output of eclectic imagination. Because I will serve a khichdi. The format will be very Hindi-filmy-family. Smiles, a good natured baby, good clothes, good food, well decorated house. The emotions will be very Hollywoodish and simple – tension, love, anger, strain, sadness. The pattern is what will make it European – I start with tension…move to relief…then affection…and love…and then worries….and then sadness….and then some more love…then some feel-good positivism…then strain…some silence…love again…and then sadness. How can any good movie start with tension and end with sadness? I certainly won’t watch it.

The last coherent thought I had when this movie was starting was the one that reminded me (for the umpteenth time) how love is the biggest cause of sadness in the world. I was incredibly tense about Mummy’s opn and the impact it would have on her. Other high points of the trip were of a similar nature – blinking back tears at Bobo’s heartrending screams (and pleading eyes) when they took his blood for testing. Assuring Dolly fervently that the future will work out all right (and inwardly hoping and hoping and hoping that it will be so, because this lovely family just doesn’t deserve any more shit). And finally, plonking one last kiss on the baby’s cheek, feeling his fingers grip my shoulder, hugging them to somehow convey the immensity of what I feel, the tears that I can’t shed.

I just forgot my cell phone where I was sitting; that’s something I don’t do often. I went back after ten minutes and found it there, thank God. But it’s kind of woken me up a little. The rush of travel activity; the hilarious book; the browsing of people’s faces – this self prescription of Prozac is not so effective any more. The words, the sounds, the faces, the hands…the bloody fucking awful real mad soothing loving terrible feeling – it’s all there. Sharp.

two weeks ago

Two weeks ago, I had a perfect day. DB and I were in Ooty and it was an Ooty different from anytime I had experienced before.

We awoke to a rain-splashed morning in our room – an old-fashioned one with large expanses of wooden flooring, an attached dressing room, an elegant bathroom, and a large fireplace with 2 well-cushioned chairs. I occupied one of them for the early part of the morning – sipping cups of tea, looking out of the open door into the green and wet world outside, listening to nothing but the insistent spatter of the rain (and the restless prowling of DB!), occasionally reading a page or two of the murder mystery that lay on my lap. We finally got around to going for breakfast in the wood-paneled dining room – a buffet of savories that I enjoyed to the fullest, getting up only when I knew that no more was possible! Letting ourselves get wet, we then traversed the hotel property, indulging in mild physical activity - Foos-ball, a game I was introduced to now, was an entertaining one, though its entertainment value was slightly dimmed by the fact that I never won J I was cheered up by the badminton later, where, though I certainly didn’t play like I used to, I was nevertheless better than the one I was playing against! The action naturally flowed into an afternoon of calm and indulgence, DB getting a massage done and me….well, me getting back to the same routine of tea w/book looking at a view in silence. A silence that helped me hear the voices within, the ones that connect me to myself, reminding me of what I value and what I have, answering some of the basic issues that trouble my mind, posing questions that will direct the flow of my life in the coming months, making me look at myself as I really am, and accepting it gracefully, without regret or ambition.

It had been a quiet day so far and we were now ready for some noise. A late lunch behind us and the rain showing signs of rest, we decided to venture out. First stop – a bee museum located next door. Unfortunately the bees couldn’t be disturbed but we did do our bit of shopping for soaps, balms, candles etc. made of honey and wax. We then moved to the mother lode – the lake. A few moments “on the waterfront”, admiring the views of nature and criticizing the ones provided by humans (especially the clothes!). Had hot bhajjis and a coffee, bought some chocolates (and a face pack!), got disappointed by the non-functional toy train, browsed through the so-called Tibetan market and finally got out of there. A nice drive led us to Fernhill Palace, a hotel (ironically) that symbolizes some of the happiest times our family has ever had. The main building was still under renovation and we went to the new hotel built in the outhouses. And I finally had my dream realized – we walked through the covering of pine trees, the green shadows against the background of misty white, taking snaps, talking about the inconsequential and leaving the most important unsaid, but understood. The walk continued through the rest of the property, surrounded by clouds, catching glimpses of the sprawling valley of terraced farms, the roar of the trucks far below us penetrating and reminding us of widespread human existence. Still enthusiastic, we then went back to the typical tourist trail and headed out to the mecca of humanity in Ooty – the Botanical Gardens. It was as expected – a mélange of humanity of all shapes/sizes/colors/aesthetic tastes, against some very pretty backdrops of green. DB hopped around, dragging me with him, exploring nooks and corners that left a lot to be desired. We did see some interesting trees (one with branches that seemed to grow downward, another with roots emerging from the ground in a network of nerves), laughed at the typical signage that made distorted use of English, searched for the missing “Dil” tree that had presumably been knocked down and finally, having had enough of noise for the day, retreated into the comfortable, quiet elegance of our room.

Things were beginning to slow down. I was calm, but there were many emotions that had flowed through me during the day, leaving me energized, yet relaxed - an unusual combination. Thoughts merged into a pleasant haze as we sipped Golconda Ruby in front of the television, making desultory conversation about people on TV, and people in our lives. A cold walk to an indifferent dinner, a colder walk back, and then a fire is lit in our room. I switch off the lights and somehow, we don’t talk, letting the crackle of the fire and the sound of the rain do the talking. I occasionally put in more sticks, not heeding his warnings about the supposed dangers of doing so. We slumber in the large bed, I read a few more pages about Ms. Marple’s shrewdness. Slowly, peacefully, in that large room with the wooden flooring, we fall asleep. In an Ooty different from anytime I had experienced before.

Negative energy

It started early this year. Flickers of irritation, fueled by unwelcome insights; creeping sense of discontentment, pushed away with disbelieving hands. A refusal to make resolutions, simply because of the realization that I still had baggage from the previous two years. All this simmered under the surface...till a few weeks ago, when it exploded into full fledged emotion.

Anger, at myself. Irritation, with people. Dislike, of my environment. Dissatisfaction, with the returns.

At the face of it, I could call this a "phase" and think of practical ways to get beyond it, like an unpleasant terrain. But...this is something deeper. This is one of those times, which are going to determine the course of my next couple of years. Which is why I am not fighting it too much. There's a lot of energy floating right now, and its natural that some of it would turn negative, as it is focuses my "switched on" mind on the lost potential, unrealised wishes, repressed disappointments, unexpressed envy, harsh realities and so on.

But I am hopeful that my mind will be reasonable the way its always been in such negative situations and remind me that these things, after all, are a part and parcel of everyone's life. Thus bringing out a different facet to this energy - a stronger will, a clearer purpose and greater strength to deal with the significant trials that I know lie before me this year.

It's not going to be easy though. Moving in a positive mode. It's as if I took off last year - in a state of enthusiasm and dizzy excitement - and now I am unsure of what direction to take. All around me I see people moving in purposeful directions, not always happy, but then happiness is usually an accident. What one controls and can achieve is control, a moral compass, a sense of doing what's right, a feeling of being at peace with oneself. It's that what I miss right now and probably that's why other, more material benchmarks of life, pinch me more. Its quite ironical actually!! I am actually going through what I believe most other people go through most of the time (and what I always believed I wouldn't be so prone to!). So again - this is like a grounding. And that's an interesting word - does it imply I was flying too high? Or too rashly? Or too aimlessly? Or too carelessly? I dont know, and I dont think its that relevant.

What's important is that I end this state of mind - this anger, dissatisfaction, irritation, dislike. I slowly let the cacophony of shouts and whispers that haunt me daily nowdays melt into a murmur and finally get silenced; allowing myself to listen to my core, that tells me what to do, what I can do. That allows me to smile, and plan, and have fun, and act, and love, and take love, and achieve, and create, and focus - all at the same time.

Again.

Barkha n thoughts n trends...

Rediscovering likes and habits of previous years seems to becoming a trend now. First it was the trips...then the "spending time with close friends"...and now its thought provoking encounters/conversations.

First it was Shk. For all his irritating habits and conversation, he has a knack of asking me questions or delivering insights that leave me questioning established thoughts and impressions. Part of it is due to my vulnerability with him (which I think I hide well) and partly due to his credibility - because, despite the aforementioned irritants, he is the most intelligent person I know. And an intelligence that has also translated into material success (though he doesn't agree), which makes it more credible. This time it was about relationships and I how I view them. He was particularly interested in knowing more about DB, and I realised how guarded and cautious I am in my responses. And that's with such a close friend! I keep saying that I am pretty open but I think when it comes to really private and important things, I am not that open. Even someone like a Shk has to make an effort.

Completely opposite was Barkha Dutt as the key note speaker at our IWD event yesterday. Her narrative of the role that gender has played in her worklife was warm, absorbing and intensely personal...I wonder if I can ever stand up and be so candid about my experiences, both positive and unsavory in a larger audience? Maybe I can, if the purpose behind the candidness is to talk about an issue. In fact, I have been, come to think of it. Anyway, contrary to the image that she seems to have developed, her speech and then her responses during Q&A and the panel discussion were sensible, balanced and nuanced. A lot of it resonated with me and this is what I enjoy the most - when someone is able to intelligently articulate and express something that I had felt. Its quite rare though :(

Some thoughts and viewpoints that struck a chord -

• Stop seeing gender as being just about women; gender should not become a dogma; it should be an agent of dialogue leading to change for the betterment of society as a whole (Both at work and in personal life, I feel many people dont realize that the issues we discuss are rarely reflective of reality - the reality is often complex and linked to many other issues that need to be tackled collectively)
• Dont ghettoise me; becoming closeted with no entry signs reinforces the same issue or problem we are fighting against; we need to work at integration with the mainstream and not away from it (I have always been against the tendency of every minority/silent/"victimised" community to create a world-within-the-world. I recognise the need for that safety but disliked it nevertheless. I finally found words to describe it)
• Avoiding the victimhood mentality; Creating a space for myself; Organizations and institutions need to help create spaces that deconstruct notions and sensitise the environment as a whole; tokenisms dont help (If you feel like a victim, you become one. Its one of the many self fulfiling prophecies I believe in. That doesnt mean I dont fall prey to it. I do. And thats why I keep saying it -cautioning myself as much as others)
• I had so many twists and turns in what I believed in (why is everyone forced to take a stand on everything? While I believe that being opinionated is usually a sign of intelligence, being able to admit that one's stand can change depending on which side of an issue influences you more is also a sign of mature intelligence. And I was go glad she admitted it too)
• Gender is synonymous with choices and one influence the other. The choices are of both personal and professional nature (I dont think there's right or wrong. There are just choices. If the choice is made with conviction and doesnt infringe on someone else's freedom, its usually "right")

I hope to continue this - pleasant, comfortable, thought provoking times with people I like. Inshallah!

Two Trips

For quite a while, I had been extremely irritated that my "weekend" trips have become a thing of the past. These were brief holidays and respites from the daily madness of life, that I used to enjoy a lot...partly for the trip itself and the sightseeing etc. and partly for the company of close friends. Over several years, these trips, particularly the ones with D, formed a cherished part of my memories, both in my heart and photo albums!

Recently I got the chance to do two quick trips like this, and I took the chance. They were not the typical "driving out of Blr" trips that I used to have, but that doesn't matter...the end intent was the same...to be in a new environment and spend time close friends.

The first was Hyd...a city where I was going for the first time. We started the weekend with our first love - Jodha Akbar - and the "shahenshahi" flavor continued through the day with Qutab Shahi Tombs and Golconda Fort. It was very, very nice to explore an area of history that we weren't so familiar with...and as we racked our brains to establish linkages with pieces of history that we DID know, we realised how out of touch we were with something that we have both interest and inclination towards. Sometimes I think of the boring conversations I have had recently and wonder if that time wouldn't have been better spent doing some interesting stuff like this...unfortunately, Blr is sadly bereft of history :( Anyway, the history lesson continued through to Charminar which i found to be much more impressive than I expected. Its not majestic or imposing but instead an extremely charming structure with very good detail. The surrounding areas are of course fascinating, not the least because of the good food. Two strong impressions that these trips have left behind are of pride and regret. Pride because of our truly interesting and complex heritage...Hyderabad for example, is named after a queen Hyder Begum, who was first a Hindu princess married to a Sultan who was much in love with her. This is such a prime example of the confluence of cultures that symbolise our history and which is now being distorted by wily politicians and an extremely dumb and witless mass of people. The regret is due to our sheer inability to preserve and present this heritage and use it for awareness, education and tourism. Despite having so many resources like these, our country is still "undeveloped" as a society and that again is due to the wily politicians taking advantage of dumb people. Case in point - how many middle class families pay any importance to history and culture in their children's upbringing?

The Hyd trip had other good aspects too - the Ramoji Film City (strangely exciting to even a jaded person like me!) and Firangi Pani, where I saw people DANCE!!!!!! Wow...people in other worlds dance...and that too without fear...wow....

:)

Another aspect that hit me about Hyd was the crowd - the mass of young men clad in synthetic brightly colored shirts, with colored hair, and tight pants and nasal accent ceased to be "exotic" within a few hours and moved to "ewwww!" category for the most part! The women are pretty though!!

Spending time with D was great too...more than anything else, his presence, like Mum, L, Unni etc...calms me and makes me feel sane again. Its not as if we have long, involved conversations - we dont! - its just his quiet understanding, dry humor, insightful observations on the world around and the common love of books and movies that has this effect.

Delhi trip came about by chance - I have Rinku to thank for it!! A CAW workshop became a 4-day trip of which I spent two with Shweta - sensible, funny, grounded, intelligent conversations about the world in general, and our life in particular! Thursday was a perfect day - a loooooooong lunch with wine and music, a drive to CP, Metro ride to Old Delhi, Red Fort, the Sound n Light show, rickshaw to Jama Masjid, dinner at Karim's. Like a silly tourist, I am again so overwhelmed by the sights, sounds and smells of that area that I can hardly find descriptions! (actually I can, but I am so lazy that I dont want to type them...anyway, who cares about exact descriptions anyway, its not as if I am writing a column!). Friday night out was fun too...drinks at Buzz (incl. Absolut Pepper, yay!!), movie at PVR (at 12 at night - cool, I am such a country bumpkin) and paranthas n tea at a highway dhaba at 3 am!

The weekend was with Shk, accompanying him on shopping trips through the malls. I am pleased to announce that I crossed a milestone in my shopping career when I facilitated the purchase of Bulgari shades with numbered lenses worth about Rs.30k in total!! I was also present when about 50% of the Body Shop outlet was bought out (ok, I exaggerate, it was 20!!). More than the shopping, I actually unwinded at his nice house and in the pleasant company of Ch, his kiddo Harshit and of course, him. No, I didnt unwind with him. He winds me up instead!!! Because of his nature, and also because of the increasing distance between our worlds, he is SOOOO irritating, especially since he uses that as a route to get attention and make conversation!! I always lose my temper with him and then regret it later when I have said "bye" because I genuinely miss him a lot. Like D, his presence is also important for me, mainly because of the simplicity and genuineness of his emotions.

So...these were my trips. Not captured on camera for a change...dont know why...but important nevertheless. Hope this sets the trend for this year :)

Stranger in the mirror

I look into the mirror warily, for I am nearly certain of what I will see there. And sure enough, I do. The curtain, the doubt, the reluctance to meet eyes, the hesitant smile.

Most of the seven sins lurk. The root is temptation. To give in to the need of the moment, the rest be damned. Where’s the much-famed, much-touted value system? Where’s the much-famed, much-touted work ethic? And that much-famed, much-touted “respect”?

Like a dog, I worked. Collected what I need. Built love. Won trust. And, like a dog, I undid. The pillars within, fell. Or did they? Let me not give up hope. The pillars shake; their foundations are mired in shadow. Strength is what I will use now. To hold, stabilize and continue building.

I do ask myself why. But I have no patience to search for the answer. I do feel. But I have no time to. This is reality. I will act. I need to. Else I will have to cover the mirror with a black cloth. Hide from myself. The world.

no sweet sorrow

i consider myself fortunate that i grew up within the loving cocoon of my family and close friends and got familiar with the pain of parting and distance only from the age of fifteen. (or maybe that's not very fortunate, because it meant that I was not used to it...)

either way, i wonder how my dear aarav will view it? will he rotate his head 360 degrees around the room so that he can spot me and cry out for attention like he used to? will he miss the sight of me standing in front of me and he gazing at me and waving his arms wildly in order to be picked up? will he sense that there is a pair of arms which are not around him anymore? will he look for the patterns of my shirts and kurtas which he lwas attracted to and loved attacking with his teething mouth? will he feel the absence of the 73kilos that would plump down beside him every morning to coo and wish him good morning? will he cry out for the specific paintings and wall hangings he had gotten fond of on his daily "walk"?

mum will cry, think about me and my life constantly, get distracted by bobo's needs and then resign herself to another few months of distance. i have cried, have been thinking about them constantly, will now get into work and try to reduce the number of occasions when i am struck by memory and seized with pain.

but i think of him, who doesnt even know what he's feeling.

Movies of 2007

Like presumably millions of others, I am quite fond of reading "top etc. etc." lists of movies, actors and so on, compiled by critics and audience polls. But recently, I have become extremely fond of generating my own too!

English movies are too much of an ocean...I have seen too many movies that I have liked to create a true favorites list, even though I have a few standard titles that I name when someone asks me. Hindi movies - uptil 2004 or so, I have a clear idea of what my top 10-20 favorite movies are. After that, age started catching up and its better if I have an annual list from which I can create another favorites list a decade down the line!

And, as I said, I am extremely fond of creating this list :)

Here's to 2007. Certainly not a year like 2006 was, wonderfully varied and exciting but sufficiently interesting to present a challenge. What I liked about 2007 was that there were some good roles for women, both on the commercial and not-so-commercial scene, which was a relief. Over the past few years, the declining quality of actresses and the roles they play (or maybe its the reverse cause and effect!) is something that's upsetting, mainly because it is at odds with the progress being made in real life. This year, some solid actresses asserted themselves, sometimes successfully like Tabu and Kareena and sometimes not so much like Rani. But the result was equally impactful - bimbos like Priyanka and Katrina were kept in their place.

Top 10

1. Chak De India - topical, entertaining and SRK was wonderful. Only thing that prevents it from being an all time favorite is the lack of a gripping climax
2. Jab We Met - I consider this as India's answer to Meg Ryan's rom coms. And like them, this has become one of my "anytime, anywhere" movies. And the songs are my favorite this year!!
3. Om Shanti Om - thorough entertainer; but again, just didnt have Dhoom's appeal for me without Hrithik's godliness and fab music
4. Manorama Six Feet Under - brilliantly made movie with perfect performances
5. Cheeni Kum - a lovely, lovely movie esp because of Tabu and great dialogues
6. Life in a Metro - very real, interesting characters played by good perfomers
7. Guru -again, a well made biopic on Hollywoodish lines, esp the strong supporting cast (incl Ash)
8. Taare Zameen Par - very very nice movie, well made and it genuinely touched me
9. Honeymoon Travels - because this is the kind of ensemble movie I always enjoy
10. Johny Gaddar - because I am a Chase fan and its high time we went back to these kind of movies (they did get made during the '80s art period but not after that)

Runners up

11. Gandhi My Father - A for effort and Akshaye's performance. If it had been better paced and more involving, it could have been a cracker
12. No Smoking - esoteric, yes. Un-understandable, yes. Did I have fun watching it? yes.
13. Ek Chaalis ki Last Local - nice enough movie, and Abhay is as usual good to watch
14. Khoya Khoya Chand - I love movies about movies and this was, like Gandhi My Father, a great effort
15. Saawariya - I didnt find it terrible. Quite watchable with some interesting ideas and Ranbir's good

Didnt see, they could have been in the favorites list -

Bheja Fry
Shootout at Lokhandwala
The Namesake
Jhoom Barabar Jhoom

from grey to growth to....?

I just re-read my last year's "new year" post, which I think has become a sort of ritual now, thanks to my insistence on this being the time of the year for 'reflection and thinking and planning" etc etc!

The biggest thing on my mind last year was the ambiguity around work and personal life...there was so much happening with no clue where all those threads would lead me.

And now I need to ask myself - where DID they lead? I actually dont have a top-of-the-mind response to this. At first glance, there are some basics that are not truly "right" today as a result of some choices I made. But then there are some moments of intense happiness I can look back upon, professional achievement and personal peace. I have never doubted myself as much as I did this year, yet there's a sense of pride in the way I handled several challenges with new people in my life, incl DB. So if I go the "report card" way, it's probably a never ending comparison on the two sides of the line.

But there IS one clear outcome - growth. Last year I had taken 2 leaps of faith. This year, I ventured into more uncharted territory, uncovering skills, inclination, attitudes and personality traits that hadn't existed or were dormant. I questioned myself a lot, trying to de-layer motives and arrive at the real factors that drove me. I checked myself too, trying to control reactions so that they are not too impulsive or damaging to myself and others. I learnt some new words - patience, for example :) and some new worlds too - DCN business for example. Not to mention visited new places, explored new cultured and vastly increased my wardrobe contents!!

And this growth is very, very satisfying. Because - more signifcant than my fear of ambiguity and greyness in life (which I mentioned in last year's note) is my fear of stagnation.

What next? What fear will drive this year? I think some demons from the past are surfacing...and hence my focus this year will be on building some sense of security and rejecting behaviors or decisions that make me feel unstable or unclear. This means taking some tough stands, not all of them positive. Will I be able to do that? Lets check a year later :)

On a side note, its interesting to note how negative triggers (fear) drive positive outcomes (focus, growth etc.) This keeps happening to me at work too!

Love is all around/Love just aint enough

Maybe it's my overdramatic persona or maybe its actually the way it happens with me - these times of intense contradictions at the same time. On one side, a new relationship with an adorable baby intensifies, setting me up for intense joy and pain in the future. As I enjoy and absorb these moments, I am also forced to finally acknowledge that another relationship with an "adored one", equally significant to my mind, is on the road to nowhere. There's a line in Cider House Rules - "Sometimes love just aint enough"

like a ferris wheel

For several months, things have been pretty ok. Naturally there were things that irritated....frustrating moments....sometimes anger, sometimes confusion...but all part of normal life. At a fundamental level, things were ok for some time...and at the back of my mind, I knew that like bad times, good times dont last either.

Well, here comes the lower end of the ride. Anger at rating, irritation with boss, disenchantment with work, despair at house, lowness at the indefinite postponement of Anjan's move, worry at financials....all mix to make daily life quite, quite stressful. I have gone back to a time about 1-1.5 yrs ago...always high strung, easily irritable, a little self absorbed, prone to making errors.

Hopefully this self awareness and some practicality will lift me out of these times soon. More than that, am counting on Bobo to do so! As long as he remains ok of course...

Hindi Chini bhai bhai :)

I consider myself quite fortunate that this year I have been able to travel to 4 interesting cities in Asia. Starting with a long stint Manila, which was a pleasant experience. Friends, shopping, general warmth and friendliness. A vacation in Hong Kong and the exhilaration of falling in love with that successful, classy, beautiful city. A quickie in Singapore (he he!), a whirlwind of walking and sightseeing.

And now Shanghai – probably the most complex of them all. Many adjectives are used for it in the sites I have been frequenting, but the one that comes to top of my mind is brassy. Like a bedecked, bejeweled good looking middle aged lady, with not-so-great teeth and a weakness for the colors red and black. A long history behind her, of turbulence and pain and some glory, but now her soul enjoys the present and looks firmly to the future. In short, for a visitor – easy to misjudge and difficult to decipher.

Well, in my limited time here, 4 evenings and one weekend, I will try to at least cover the surface, if not scratch it.

24 Nov

The first evening was a trip to a market that most would associate with “China:” – fake goods! It had actually closed down a year ago but my resourcefulness with the net told me where it had shifted!...well, it was the usual...found some stuff, restrained on others, came back.

The Friday evening I went glam :) The black jacket n blue jeans topped with my pink muffler, I am glad to report that heads did turn. Especially since I went to the hottest shopping area here…packed with top brands and department stores, both local and international. Broke my legs walking and finally landed up at the coolest “hangout” area I have seen – a collection of old buildings converted to watering holes! I explored the lanes, found a bar that had my long lost favorite – Absolut Peppar – and settled down to enjoy the variety of human species around, especially those easy on the eyes!

But there could be no better sample of the beauty of Shanghai than today! 12 hours of frenetic activity and walking that’s left my calves crying for mercy and my eyes laden with sleep. I started with the ultimate “tourist” thing – a trip up Pearl tower…a 470m high tower…with the top observation point being 360m! It was a very, very strange feeling being nearly half a km away from the ground, where you even looked down upon the skyscrapers! Dealt with the huge crowds, clicked snaps of every part of Shanghai (yes, one could see the entire city…and beyond) and finally came down (via a Space Museum that had cool games and even a mini roller coaster…ewww J) From the camera-friendly tourist to the thinking visitor, I next visited the Art Museum, a spectacularly beautiful British style building (little did I know how many more I would see through the day!) and then the Shanghai Museum, equally startling in its modern design. 3 exhibitions that provoked more thought and emotion than I have experienced in months – a set of sculptures using naked “man-babies” to reflect a cynical reality of our existence…a set of paintings by an artist reflecting the changing values and colors of Shanghai (accompanied by a very nice commentary)…and finally a huge collection of paintings from the Amsterdam museum – Dutch painters, including Rembrandt. After an afternoon of simple living – high thinking, the consumerist in me arose and off I went to the most crowded and famous shopping area here – Nanjing Road – a pedestrian-only street that has so many malls and shops that one needs a full day at the minimum! I spent 3 hours J walking up and down, gazing at people, examining interesting shops (like local medicine, food, jewellery) and doing a bit (yes, only a bit!) of shopping! Finally arrived at what can be called the showcase of Shanghai – the Bund, the riverfront area. If only one could just pretend the crowds didn’t exist (and that’s practically impossible). It’s cold and a little windy. The water, its dirty color hidden in the darkness, glistens under the lights of the surrounding buildings. Gaily colored cruise ships pass by. On one’s right is a row of colonial buildings, lit up in a uniform yellow in their magnificence. On the opposite bank is the futuristic row of China’s empire today – colorful skyscrapers, including the third highest tower and the third highest building in the world. Both sides reflect industry, enterprise and greed. And both, between them, create an immensely attractive area that’s truly symbolic I think. My last hour of the day was also symbolic of the Shanghai experience – first, a trip through the tourist Bund tunnel – a small cabin that travels through a laser-show tunnel under the water to the opposite bank. And then finally, a quiet coffee on the waterfront, looking at people, gazing at the lights, smiling at the cold.

25 Nov

Sunday was kind of a dampener after Saturday. The day started off well enough – deliberately late (had to give my legs some time to recover!) and with a stroll through the French Concession area. Wintry afternoon sun, tree lined streets, cozy buildings…could have been the perfect Sunday trip…but then, the shops! They are everywhere! The really hi-fi boutiques are easy – you gaze into their classy windows and move on. It’s the middle ones that wasted my time…not expensive or bad enough to be ignored but not good or amicable enough to be shopped at either! And by amicable, I mean just that – little overheated rooms, packed with clothes, and young girls who cant (and wont try to) understand you but want to outsmart you just the same…it puts me off even if there is good stuff around. Well, from that type of shops it was time to go to what’s politely called the “antiques”market…basically a street market filled with typical ethnic stuff…bought 2 very nice Buddhas and an assortment of stuff for gifts…it was nice but all the bargaining is exhausting, especially when you know at the end of the day you still have paid more than its worth!! There were some interesting touches to the walk though. There was an old Chinese man explaining an “antique” gramophone to a firang and singing a classical tune that reverberated through the street! Another young guy (firang) got completely fascinated by a long sword that actually looked old and was surrounded by the vendors as they discussed the price etc. with me. I had no clue how he would that through airport authorities and said as much to him; he naturally didn’t look too happy at the thought :)

Actually, come to think of it, firangs usually provided more entertainment than locals did…either because of their antics or simply because they were friendlier, tending to smile more and use “please” and “thank you” or even exchange notes on nice scenes. There’s an ease of behavior that comes with confidence and it’s easy to spot once you know what you are looking for.

Anyway, the result of this exhaustion and general irritation was that I canceled my plans for the evening…to do an evening out again. “Next time”, I say to myself and come back to my room. Count up what I have spent (debt for December), get online, chat with Mummy, eat some snacks, take a loooooong hot bath, have a cup of tea, chat some more, type this out, realize how late it is and prepare to turn in :)

27 Nov

Monday – it got very very cold! One of those evenings which are a spell of what’s in store for the city. Just that 5 minute walk from office to hotel in the howling, biting wind got me a headache! As I passed by the various vendors (yes, it’s just like India, even in the central business district, there are the street vendor hawking loads of stuff!), I was actually thinking that sometimes it’s difficult to grudge the amount of money (or at least profit) that these guys make by buying mass produced stuff at cheap rates and then selling them to ignorant tourists like me at much higher prices. After all, they deal with inherent unpredictability of existence (or at least lack of stability), there’s intense compeitition from others selling the same goods and no scope for differentiation, there’s the constant threat of police action and intervention, they have to think on their feet and deal with each customer separately depending on age, sex, nationality etc. I keep coming back to the same old adage – never grudge the people who earn more, because they have either taken more intelligent decisions than you have or bear risks or invest effort that’s more than you do…and that holds true of even grey areas (probably even more so!)
Tuesday was my last day here. Its quite interesting that I don’t feel a sense of regret like I normally do with every city I visit, even in India. My feeling towards Shanghai were instinctive and they have stayed same over the course of the trip – I am fascinated and impressed, but don’t necessarily like it.

As I think I mentioned earlier to K, part of it is to do with the irrational resentment I feel as an Indian at the amount China has been able to achieve despite having a similarly turbulent history as ours and carrying a similar load of baggage. Another part of it, contradictory though it may sound, is due to the similarities betweens Indians and Chinese. Yes, both are industrious and enterprising and focused on education…but unfortunately in habits too they tend to be similar – tending to be abrupt & rude, selfish in public areas, and making noise while eating!

Which brings me to another point – I didn’t indulge my love for food much. Partly because I was too conscious of cost this time (having had the Manila trip and the car damage earlier this month) and partly because, other than dimsums, I don’t think I particularly “authentic” Chinese food! Give me Mainland China any day…or even the Delhi “chowmein” vans.

On that note, I will end. It’s been a good trip in all respects.

For my soul

Three consecutive nights of partying. Funky music on loud speakers, comfortable couches, eye candy to ogle at (and to be ogled by!), cocktails that burn the throat, fish snacks, simple conversations, eye contact, probes and revelations, gossip, dim lights, drives, coffee search, heavy lidded eyes, late mornings.

Oh how I needed this!!!!!!!!!!!!

The tale of Bobo

He came out of the OT all bundled up in blue and white and was placed in a warmer. As if on cue, he stopped bawling, opened his eyes, and carefully surveyed the fast-increasing group around him, the walls, and anything else that caught his fancy. In a few minutes he was picked up again and taken to meet his mother formally. Pictures got clicked, he got cooed over, congratulations were exchanged, duties conducted; and through it all, Aarav soaked in the atmosphere (and maybe even the details) and finally went to sleep. Hopefully, positive impressions had been formed in the first half hour of his entry into our world.

In the next 2 weeks, he wasn’t as kind. To be fair, the world wasn’t that kind on him either. There was that little business with the feeding in the first few days that left him irritable and hungry and will no doubt come out as a psychological scar during teen therapy. And there were the irritants – the hiccups that interfered with his sleep and feeds sometimes, the visitors who liked to hold him and talk around him in loud voices, the 40 second delay in his feed if the milk had become too warm, the insistence of his family members to resort to cuddles and music to soothe him…the perfectionist (in this case, him) doesn’t approve of such interferences with his normal course of life and accordingly assumes a I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-this-world-is-coming-to expression.The world (to be more specific, his mother), in its desire to over-simplify matters of significance, started calling him Bobo during such times, a travesty that will no doubt be avenged during the mid-life crises a few decades later. Protest was registered even now, in loud, sudden cries that brought back the image of the angry young man.

Other than the Bobo/angry young man piece, there were so many other aspects to this growth of personality that his entire family became observational scientists overnight. He slept on the side with one hand firmly tucked under his head; occasionally, he would get disturbed by unpleasant dreams, when he would cry soundlessly and clutch at clothes/fingers of his companion, who would be in near tears at the sight of this pain being inflicted on innocence; he hated water at first sight and steadfastly refused to get cleaned, except under protest; he loved having conversations, or at least listening to them, and would listen with furious concentration as someone spoke to him; the intensity of concentration also made him cross eyed, which caused minor panic attacks around him; he suffered from gas or colic problems almost daily and got relief from the heeng mixture which his great grandmother would make and apply; his love of surveys and observations continued and he would twist and turn and twist and turn to ensure that he doesn’t miss a single trick around him; he preferred peeing when he was unencumbered by nappies/diapers, which meant universal soaking during nappy change; he liked the sound of the gayathri mantra, especially when it serenaded him while he was swayed in the jhoola; he looked best in pink and white and yellow, bright colors didn’t do him justice; he had long fingers and well shaped hands (in the eyes of his adoring family); he slept only as much was needed and preferred being awake, especially during night time, clearly setting expectations about his habits in his growing years; contradicting all child-management techniques, he didn’t particularly care for sweet stuff, making the process of giving sweetened medicines a little like administering discipline amongst a roomful of school boys; he liked being rocked to sleep while being carried around, any one of these two conditions not being met resulted in an instant awakening and reprimand; he did the crocodile dance when hungry and was nearly as ferocious if you took away the feed while he was drinking (even if it was he who had turned his mouth away); he got too cold and too warm quite fast and triggered real time analysis on linkages between room temperatures and his clothing; and most importantly, he photographed well, coming across as older and wiser, not to mention good looking.

So that’s where the narrative will move now, from words to photographs and videos capturing the life and growth of Aarav Umalker aka Bobo. In subsequent months and years, we will gaze at those images, imagining the gestures that accompanied those moments, and speculating on the personality that fuels those gestures. In the meanwhile, he will grow and form his opinions and likes and dislikes, and will start connecting and disconnecting and loving, and all the while, he will be loved by all and missed by those not with him in person.

I lied - I had a lot to post

This has been an eventful month, though it may not appear to be. At the surface, I am working normal, regular hours…my next role change is awaited and I have taken up some projects meanwhile…the weather is delightfully pleasant…home front is stable…my finances are irregular…my going-out has come down…and so does the simple story continue.

Yet, so much has changed in the past month that I don’t know where to begin. I can start at the most obvious aspect – work. I continue to be surrounded by ambiguity and continue functioning in a consultant mode; I don’t particularly like either but force myself to get used to, because I am developing skills which I didn’t even existed within me. The RMG assignment is much tougher than my Manila one because it requires an equal degree of micro level work and macro level analysis from me, not to mention that its supposed to occupy only 50% of my time, and hence I need to keep thinking of and going back to my “HR” projects, pretty much landing myself in a tizzy!

Its becoming increasingly difficult though to pinpoint exactly where I stand. Feedback is now not just a function of what I am and how I am perceived, but variables such as how people want me to think I am being perceived, what people want me to do etc. also play a role. My deliverables are no longer limited to achieving certain objectives but now include areas like “influencing”. In the midst of this, my knowledge of HR concepts remains static and I am pretty sure that will catch up with me somewhere along the way.

For the first time too, I have put into practice what I have always believed and stood by – that people are not always driven by promotions and monetary growth, which become hygiene factors after a certain while in your career. I have consciously refused to take steps that would have ensured my promotion in a few months and instead taken decisions that may delay my vertical movement but will help me to explore new skills and areas. Considering that these other decisions are also in the BPO ambit (RMG project – business; DCN role – global), I guess I continue following my trend of experimenting within the framework…risk a little, gain a little.

On a side note, will I ever be a risk taker? And hence stand to “gain a lot”? hmmm…

Anyway, the pace of self discovery at work is matched by my personal life too. I am now getting scared of DB’s presence in my life. Somewhere along the way, the sense of madness and wonder got replaced by a feeling of being comfortable and completed, something that I cherish much much more than anything else. My feeling – attachment? involvement? submission? fusion? – scares me, especially because it’s unconscious. One thing I haven’t been able to change about myself (am not sure if I want to either) is that I can’t live wholly in the present. My judgment on the present is always in the context of the past and more importantly, the future. And thus, while I love today, I cannot find myself happy, because my mind keeps wandering to the “when…”, “what if…” questions.

I guess this is the reason why there is inherent instability in the DNA of all such relationships. It’s because these relationships are dictated by individual feelings and changes; lack the support of a socially approved or visible structure and framework; and are conducted within a community that is articulate but invisible, present but secret, progressive but duplicitous. Each person seems to be torn in two different directions…and one is human after all…the most “convenient” direction is the one we ultimately end up taking, never mind the compromise on character, or fulfillment or integrity.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that Mum (and Dolly and Anjan) finally asked, acknowledged and to a certain extent, accepted my inclinations. I have been pushing the envelope in every sphere of my life, and it had to happen here sooner or later. It’s just that the timing wasn’t the best, I would liked to be there in person to talk, discuss, guide, reassure and maybe even plead for forgiveness. Because, no matter how loving or supportive they have been, I cannot rid myself of this tremendous guilt that I have lied, that I have proved myself unworthy of the complete trust my loved ones have placed in me all their lives. Yes, there are logical explanations and no one is pointing fingers, but that doesn’t take away the fact that, for all my moral grandstanding about lies/dishonesty in others’ lives, I have conducted mine with a high degree of duplicity.

So tonight while I sit in familiar settings – my drawing room, eleven thirty on a Sunday night, listening to the soothing whispering of the trees – I am confronted by unfamiliar tableaux at all levels – my skills, my feelings, my character. This, in summary, is the story of 2007 so far.

And I am going back....

It's debatable whether 3 months is considered a suitably long period for developing attachments or is too short or is "just right" to maintain a balance. Its also debatable whether 3 months is enough to bring about long term change or just trigger it off or is it just a stop-gap mechanism. Such questions have been the content of my discussions with colleagues and friends (and in Manila, its pretty much the same set) for the past few days.

For me, personally, I believe that I have developed enough of an attachment to really miss this place, and the people here, when I am gone, but not sufficient to grieve over it. I also believe I have been able to set up a framework for adequate change, provided the stakeholders actually follow it through. Yes, both these statements are guarded and that's probably the new me :)

Contrary to my expectations, Manila turned out to be a genuinely large, interesting city. The malls are I think its main tourist attraction and some of them are not bad at all! Mall of Asia is huge as an airport but pleasant and tasteful and Greenbelt of course is the most beautiful shopping area I have been to (except maybe Dilli Haat!). I have enjoyed the plentiful availability of iced tea, the ubiquity of ACed places/cabs, the Herschey's chocolates, the nice cafes with crepes, the convenience of my location, the ever-friendly people, the helpful staff....oh god, i sound like a travel brochure! But yes, there's very little unpleasant I can think about my stay here....I have a few more hours to go, so I hope I am not tempting fate!

And people. This has been such a challenging assignment, but never stressful. And thats UNPRECEDENTED for me! Its just the culture - more pleasant and calm compared to my motherland - no wonder they think Indians are crazy! Of course there are not-good side effects to this culture, but thats another story....

Thankfully, I made friends here as well, real friends. Pia, Allan etc...friends of a flavor very different from my others, but people I could be comfortable enough to share a lot of personal details with. I hope to continue these relationships.

So now my bags are packed, I will probably have an excess baggage for 10-20 kgs...sigh :) So symbolic, ha ha ha ha ha ha......

The holy trinity :)

I just finished reading It, I think for the second or third time in more than 12-13 years, I am not sure. But even as I was reading it, I could sense what was coming. Sometimes the actual event or incident that lurked in the next page, and nearly always the accompanied emotion. And even before I started the book, I knew I may cry a few time during the reading, and will surely sob at the end. I did. Not sobbing actually, just a very emotional revolt against what I knew to be inevitable, a sense of loss.

And so it is with Gone with the Wind too, equally dark, equally evocative of thoughts around survival, love, power, beauty, discipline, knowledge.

People would think I am crazy. At best, both books are considered huge bestsellers , highly influential in their genre and very respectable additions to any bookshelf. At worst, huge bestsellers. Period.

And yet this is how I feel. Raw involvement. Maybe its to do with the fact that I read them, along with The Fountainhead, at what’s considered the “formative” stage of my life and hence a lot of ideas and emotions expressed in these three books resonated strongly within my adolescent mindspace. I would also like to think, though I am sure it will be heavily argued, that all three are highly underrated in term of literary achievement, though the influence of all three over their respective genres cannot be questioned.

Anyway, suffice to say that in the list of thousands and thousands (and that’s how I say this, with a sweeping air, the words dying off to an awed silence…) of books that I have read, these three stand out for the impact they have on me.

Strangely, I no longer have the original copies which I read...have had to re-buy all three. Which is sad, because there's something about the well thumbed copy that seems so comfortable.

Betu

He grew up in front of me. Played "sabzi le lo". Teased me relentlessly, laughing at his own silliness and my over dramatized reactions. Sometimes I coached him, sometimes I reprimanded him, other times I clutched my head in frustration. I held him in my arms as we both wailed with grief, I made an internal promise that from this day I am responsible for him.

And today he's cocooned in pain. Limited by average intelligence, handicapped by emotional baggage, he's being driven further to insanity by the sheer cruelty of his own mother. We can just support him from afar, assure him of love, clarify his demons, ensure financial smoothness, push him to do better....but at the end of the day, he has to live there, live his own life, and manage to survive.

I wont spend time on how I feel. Terrible, is the best word.

But....what right do I have to expect anything from the DBs of the world, who havent even made a commitment, when I myself have not been able to live up to one of the strongest emotional commitments I have made in my life? I have enough common sense to realise the constraints, but even with those, Mummy, Dolly have been doing more than I am. I have always believed that one reaps as one sows. And its usually been true of my life. I may not have consciously given pain or changed, but I HAVE been negligent of people I truly love and am also sort of responsible for (not that I believe anyone is really responsible for anyone, but still...) and I guess I am just paying for that.

But can I ensure the reverse? Nope. Flaw in my "logic" as usual.

Punches - full blown

24th Jan, 15th March, 3rd May - well timed punches to my stomach, taking the wind out of me, leaving me gasping for breath, reaching out for support that didnt exist, asking myself how I ended up here...all the cliches of a lovelorn idiot.

The reaction detailed above aside, I am not really sure how I feel about all this. As usual, there's no clear overriding emotion. Some anger (but why?? Its not as if its a secret)...some sadness (but why? wasnt it expected?)...some frustration (but why? u r gonna get it anyway)...some feeling-foolish (but why? yr stupid ego is hurt?)...some fear (but why? u heard what he said, didnt u?)...some sense of loss....

Ya, this sense of loss. I think (though I am not sure) everything else I have been feeling is just an addendum to this core. If I hadnt been feeling this sense of loss, I would probably have been able to handle the rest. But this sense of change, of having lost something that I had allowed to become so integral to me - the companionship and communication, of witnessing a dramatic change in behavior - this is what has killed me.

But the worse I get within, the less I will allow it to show. The least I can maintain somehow is my dignity.

They lie...

This stupid TV serial preaches it. Smiling talk-show hosts say it convincingly. Self-help books revolve around it. Some others earn their badge of "fiction" by ending it with this message. Friends say it over cups of tea (or beer), mothers by loading you with food. Loved ones give you the message directly- sometimes explicitly, usually through convenient actions.

Its ok to be happy. YOU (the greatest being ever created) deserve to be happy. Be happy. Be happy. Be happy.

And then they pull the rug right from under your feet. You stumble, grinning wildly as you try to salvage your dignity. Dignity however, is the last thing that destiny has in store for you. You fall and usually get scraped. If you are unlucky, you get fractured. If you are really unlucky, you lose a limb. If you are really really unlucky, you are able to paint a smile and stand up straight again and walk on as if you are ok.

As is obvious, I like to use humor to view tragedy (weeellll....falling down badly IS a tragedy, isn't it?!). It gives me the illusion of being intelligent and in control.

a bunch of fun?

The HR outing yesterday was surprisingly nice! The tiring bus journeys aside, the 6 hours spent there were pretty decent, thanks to the lack of sun (and a spot of rain too!) through the afternoon...something that I had prayed for and the others against!!

But more thanks to the people who had organized it all, yet not organized it to death, another point of the difference in culture...people were inclusive, yet not insistent, everyone doing what they felt comfortable doing....I cheered on at the games (and for my team, which lost!), spent some time lying on the lounge chairs looking at the sea, chatted with friends, had coffee, sat on a rock and got the bottom part of me wet, took some pics....

It was also interesting to see people having fun in groups...thats something I have had relatively little of, partly due to choice and partly the lack of it. I had a lot of it in GK when a kid, thankfully blessed with a large group of friends around the house. The school was the other extreme, I just didnt belong to any group at all, and was pretty much a loner except for Dom. After that, I changed location so many times that its been on-off. 10th - no. PU - no. 1st yr - yes. 2nd and 3rd yr - no. MBA - partly. PSL - no. Acc - sometimes. So overall....sporadic...not too many choices given to me...and I myself usually tend to go for the 1-to-1 type of relationships! Like not gng with the U etc. to Goa, instead heading off to Blr - uff!!!

Most of the times, I am good with it. At the end of the day, I have a vast group of people who care about me, and that's really my blanket. But sometimes, like yesterday, I miss it. Unlike practically everyone else, I dont have any memories of "fun with the gang in Goa"

:)

Eventful week

The hide-n-seek game with DB intensified....

Went to the brink with L and then managed to recover and take a few steps back to safety...

Did some degree of "straight-talk" at work, got some icy responses in return...

Hina announced she's getting married on 27th April, quite quite the whirlwind...

Started feeling BORED...

Clear about the turmoil....

Sudeep: in the past few years, have u ever really compromised on yr beliefs? either did something or accepted something that was intrinsically not you, all the while knowing it wasnt you, yet doing it for compelling reasons?
nowlsays: I have, on quite a few occasions
mostly revolving around my marriage
and maybe a couple of times outside of it
Sudeep: ok...
nowlsays: when reason takes over belief
Sudeep: aah....ok
so u did it when u allowed reason or logic to take over belief
have u ever done it because u felt cornered
knowing that if u dont do it, u wl get hurt now. but i f u do it, u wl get hurt later?
nowlsays: yes, and you can also add love for a dear one as an important reason for it
the hurt was always taken for granted, then or later, mine or my loved ones..I made the choice of later and mine
Sudeep: dont u believe (as i think u used to, like me) that compromising on yr very self, while doing it to preserve something, can go on to actually damage it, thus rendering the compromise futile
nowlsays: yes, I still believe the same
I guess the decisions were to avert the futility right away, and maybe trya nd be indifferent to it.."I'll think abt it when I have tie"
tie=time
Sudeep: ok....
nowlsays: I have felt like Scarlett on so many occasions, and I feel I made choices she wld have as well...
Sudeep: but Scarlett made choices where she accepted 80% of somethig for compelling reasons...yet inside she kept yearning to get 100% of life..
nowlsays: wld be true in my case as well
Sudeep: but the interesting thing is - by accepting 80% at the surface, and internally yearning for 100%, she damaged the 80% as well, reducing it to 60, 40, 20 until nothing was left
nowlsays: yes, that's possible too; but its also possible that you salvage the 80% at least, at times...
Sudeep: yes
its possible
i guess its self control
nowlsays: I guess that happened far too less in her case...she always got what she wanted..but only when she wanted something else..
Sudeep: ok...
nowlsays: why do you ask?
Sudeep: gng thru a terrible time
forced to get down to the basics and questioning basics
Sudeep: which is not such a bad thing, naturally...
makes u get to know yrself better
and the choices that u make in yr tought times reveal yr true self
nowlsays: yes, we need it every so often...but as long as we find the answers and do not find ourselves much altered, its fine
trying times always expose you completely
Sudeep: yes and i dont like the alteration
Sudeep: but if i reject the alteration, i lose something now
if i accept the alteration, i lose myself
Sudeep: if it ultimately comes to this choice, losing myself or losing something that i hold dear -what does one choose
Sudeep: there's no answer to this question
its a gut reaction
nowlsays: I opted for losing a bit of myself, clinging on to the loved ones, coz they far outweighed the bit I was losing; though, on another ground, I may have chosen differently; we all stand our grounds, and the ground we stand decides our stand most of the time
Sudeep: yaaa.....
as of today, i choose to lose a bit of myself. a bit like a bargain with god, i guess. to hold on to something important....
maybe tomorrow, if forced to bargain again or further, i wl reverse the choice...
nowlsays: depending on the ground you stand on then...it sounds like you may not be firm about your beliefs, but I find it as a standing by the belief of having love n faith for your dearest ones
Sudeep: love yes, faith. dont know.
nowlsays: hmm..yes, its love; the faith anyways gets altered when you make the choice
Sudeep: exactly
exactly :(
how can love survive without the faith
wont one feel resentful at the love?
for affecting the faith
nowlsays: unbelievably, i does; may not be of the same thread; but it does remain nonetheless; the bitterness is for a lifetime, no doubt;
i=it
Sudeep: so basically one makes that basic compromise again - i will live with a bit of bitterness and the constant nagging of doubtful faith, because i have the love
nowlsays: yes, it may be in the subconcious, but it never goes away; how cld it, coz it never is the way you exactly wanted it to be...
but we are a strange being..
there are many shades of love, and there are many shades to us..
we only see what we like to see and feel what we want to, and we end up still living with that love, though the underlying faith is wavering
Sudeep: and to me, that state of being has been the ultimate subversion of life and love, the ultimate triumph of the realist of the romantic...and yet i am moving towards it, in wonder and dislike at my own self....
anyway, its an endless discussion.....but thanks for having clarified so much....at least i feel i am not alone....and someone understands the madness of what i am thinking.....

Hot Potato

I still smile when I think of Sidh impulsively calling me a Hot Potato after catching me looking at my cell practically every 10 seconds (ok, fifteen!).

But the laughter is not without its tinge of sadness. When Allan suddenly asked me on Friday night if I feel lonely, I was hardpressed to reply. Because I dont know want to appear as one of those sad, misfitting people in need for company...neither do I want to deny the fact that I AM someone who is close to several people who are my support system, and their absence makes me feel incomplete...and yes, then I do get lonely, like today.

And then I think about how Mum is the only one who consistently makes an effort to reach out to me and talk to me and listen to me while I am here. Other loved ones - DB, U, L, D - make an effort once in a while, but it's more like "this is the way I am, live with it". When they do make that effort, I feel happy and touched, and yet grateful, which is a terrible thing to feel. Yet others wake up to my existence only when I disappear. Like I admitted that I feel lonely sometimes, yes, I do feel hurt too.

Its also ironic how I am in regular touch with so many people I dont particularly care for...yet out of touch with so many close ones. I know whats happening in the lives of distant friends, yet the tragedies and the stresses of the lives of U, D, L pass me by, rendering me a stranger in the lives of the very people who have been part of me.

It saddens me, this breakdown of connect to the part of my life I consider most precious. It angers me, the price I am paying for genuinely great experience and exposure. It scares me, to think of the implications.

On a quiet Sunday evening, with six more weeks stretching before me, this is a good recipe for depression, isn't it. And I cant think of a single, constructive way of approaching this self-piteous mix of sadness/anger/fear. So much so for smart, sensible, positive Sudeep.

my HK trip :)

This was certainly one of the best holidays ever! Outings to attractive tourist places, shopping expeditions, exploratory walks, drinking evenings...all conducted in a cool weather, with convenient transport, polite people and in the company of one of my closest friends....this certainly was one of the BEST holidays ever!

But more than a holiday, its the city of Hong Kong that I am totally fascinated by (and like all my fascinations, maybe even a little in love with!). I dont know what part of my trip enamored me the most...

The area in and around the Central Business District - awe inspiring buildings, the intricasies of streets at multiple levels, the focus and sharpness of the people thronging the sidewalks, the convenient elevated walkways and escalators, the unique, cool eateries, the rightfully expensive stores - its a place that I spent two half-days walking there and yet could easily spend many more! I didn't really have to do anything, I just walked and absorbed and felt very comfortable, yet very turned on.

The sheer option of "things to do" (something I constantly feel the lack of in Blr). Within an hour of your decision, you could be walking along the Avenue of Stars walk along the sea, admiring the skyline and observing the people around you...or you could be on the peak, taking a walk in a quiet lane with the lights of the city twinkling beneath you...or you could be on an island, enjoying the small eateries and a long, picturesque walk...or you could choose from the multiple "types" of markets to explore...or you could visit an entertainment/theme park...sigh...I know I sound like a sales brochure, but I cant get over it.

Like Bombay and Delhi, HK also appeals for those like me who enjoy observing a melting pot of cultures....heavily Westernised, yet unique in its own skin...Chinese influence evident in a lot of explicit and implicit...containing a virtual army of expats, from finance/IT professionals to small time businessmen...this is one city where I could spend as much observing people, as the sights.

I am not denying the appeal of the trips to historical Hampi or breathtakingly beautiful Narkanda...but the appeal of a big, thriving, entertaining, interesting, convenient city is great altogether!

Another experience tick marked....

Last weekend was the quietest weekend I have EVER spent in my life.

There was shopping (!)...and books...and movies...to occupy my time, but NO conversations, NO social interactions, NO errands, NO chores, NO emails - nothing to really absorb the mind.

Hence, 2 days of silence. Complete silence.

I treat this as a positive experience for 3 different reasons...

One, I havent had a weekend like this in months! I vaguely remember having a relatively non-social, at-home weekend sometime in Jan :) but even then, there was plenty of social interaction, at least on the phone.

Two, I am glad of the experience. That, from ultra hyper weekends to ultra quiet ones, I have traversed the range!!

Three, I dont welcome this often though. And I take it as a good sign. Shows that I am alive, not existing. To exist, I just need my time to be occupied with reasonably interesting/entertaining activities. Instead, I still need my mind, my spirit to be turned on.

Cheers!

A pat on the back? or an ostrich egg for breakfast?

Its been 3 weeks. Exactly. To the t. I arrived in this room three Sundays ago at 3:30 pm.

Within a few days, I was comfortable. Actually, I was comfortable within 2 days. A comfy room, malls n theatres around, transportation to work taken care of, positive reaction from office...naturally I was! Then I got to Manila better...the eat, drink, shop and be merry culture...and I became more comfortable. Life became better as I made two good friends, P and Al, cheerful, articulate souls who engaged me and were good hosts. Interesting sightseeing trips, good evening-outs. Active weekends, pleasant weekdays. Chatty conversations and rambling chats. Absorbing books and mixed movies. Lots of avenues for shopping.

So...even though things will slow down after the initial hyperactivity...life seems ok for the coming weeks.

Except (and there's always that word, isnt it??)....except that I miss the comfort of close ones..I am worried that there's still scope for the assignment to be called ineffective...I long for the independence of my own apartment and my own car...I am scared of what this will do to us, to the core.

So, as I act, as I move, as I smile, as I explore....I think and I fear and I worry and I speculate.

But then, as L says, its only the tears and pangs that make the smile worthwhile.

Only I hope there's a smile at the end :)

Nothing works when it doesnt want to...

Movie in the packed darkness of a theatre, a well made, throbbing musical. Favorite songs on the player, eminently danceable. Fabulous top of the line brands with the coolest displays. Diverse crowds in a row of interesting-looking eating places and bars. A continued story line on the QAF soap, 2 episodes. A nice book, charming and funny. Distraction, absorption, entertainment, exhaustion....nothing worked. The mind still ticked, the heart still obsessed and the head still ached. I just wanted a hug.

Imtihaan - The Test :)

I feel cornered. As I indulged in breakfasts and malls, somewhere the ground was moving beneath my feet and I have ended up pinned against the wall, looking on in anguish as the things I love and the things I cherish are stripped away from my body, leaving exposed the hidden, trembling self.

But I call logic to my rescue. And my ego. I am not pinned. Yet. I am not drowning. Yet. What I have written above is probably a taste of what COULD happen. But whether it will happen or not is in MY hands. This time is a test. Of the validity of my professional expertise, of the endurance of my personal relationships, of the strength of my values, of the existence of my survival skills, of my level of awareness of self, of my faith in loved ones. Of my essential belief that the world around is a reflection of what we are, and not the reverse.

Putting structure and words around the nightmarish scenario doesn't make it less fearful, but at least gives me some inner strength to deal with the twilight demons. I wish I could call someone to help me through this, but they are also part of the test, and hence unpredictable.

I wish I could move on quickly and sharply like someone has. But I find it difficult to extricate myself from the deep wells of emotion I have been in. So I need to accept what I am and deal with this "test".

Success but a long way to go

Exactly a week has passed by. I have learnt more about myself this week than I normally would in several. Actually I have learnt more about myself in the past two months than I probably did the entire last year. But then, thats another post.

Right now, I feel a sense of relief - the project is not as complex as I had feared it would be; the situation her is more challenging that I had thought it was; Manila is turning out to be a place where I can think of spending several weeks in; I have started making friends in office; the weekend was not depressing.

But mixed with relief is reality too. Less than 10% of my time is done....eleven weeks are yet to go. Will I survive it well? And what will this do to us? That fear is my reality check.

Lets see....its fingers crossed and a hope in my heart :)

The kiss of memory

I was seized by nostalgia at breakfast. The constant chatter of the Filipino-American family on the next table took me back to that time, oh it feels like a dream, when I had sat in similar buffets with my family, happy about the sausages, smugly sipping black coffee, looking out of the picture windows at the city outside waiting to be explored by me. Many, many years later, I sit on a similar cane chair, looking out of a similar picture window onto a strange city. I am alone, there’s no chatter. Instead, there’s the morning paper and my glass of apple juice and my thoughts on how I will plan my day. Somewhere in the corner is heartache, which I ignore as I don’t want it to color my day. The heartache is kept for twilight hours.

How silly we are to try and visualize the future. How can we presume to think that we can predict the events fate can throw at us or the decisions that we will take? Life is not an algorithm, much to the dismay of control freaks like me. The variables can change mid way and the course of life can often be unalterably deviated in moments. And sometimes we don’t even know what these variables are. Do I know how I landed up here? Do I know how some people entered my life? Do I know why I did some things I did? I look back with surprise - I don’t know! All I know is that I am here. Carrying the past with me, a past filled with memories that come to greet me at the oddest of moments., plunging me into inexplicable sadness And hoping for the future. For love, for peace. And if not that, then faith and courage.