Clear about the turmoil....

Sudeep: in the past few years, have u ever really compromised on yr beliefs? either did something or accepted something that was intrinsically not you, all the while knowing it wasnt you, yet doing it for compelling reasons?
nowlsays: I have, on quite a few occasions
mostly revolving around my marriage
and maybe a couple of times outside of it
Sudeep: ok...
nowlsays: when reason takes over belief
Sudeep: aah....ok
so u did it when u allowed reason or logic to take over belief
have u ever done it because u felt cornered
knowing that if u dont do it, u wl get hurt now. but i f u do it, u wl get hurt later?
nowlsays: yes, and you can also add love for a dear one as an important reason for it
the hurt was always taken for granted, then or later, mine or my loved ones..I made the choice of later and mine
Sudeep: dont u believe (as i think u used to, like me) that compromising on yr very self, while doing it to preserve something, can go on to actually damage it, thus rendering the compromise futile
nowlsays: yes, I still believe the same
I guess the decisions were to avert the futility right away, and maybe trya nd be indifferent to it.."I'll think abt it when I have tie"
tie=time
Sudeep: ok....
nowlsays: I have felt like Scarlett on so many occasions, and I feel I made choices she wld have as well...
Sudeep: but Scarlett made choices where she accepted 80% of somethig for compelling reasons...yet inside she kept yearning to get 100% of life..
nowlsays: wld be true in my case as well
Sudeep: but the interesting thing is - by accepting 80% at the surface, and internally yearning for 100%, she damaged the 80% as well, reducing it to 60, 40, 20 until nothing was left
nowlsays: yes, that's possible too; but its also possible that you salvage the 80% at least, at times...
Sudeep: yes
its possible
i guess its self control
nowlsays: I guess that happened far too less in her case...she always got what she wanted..but only when she wanted something else..
Sudeep: ok...
nowlsays: why do you ask?
Sudeep: gng thru a terrible time
forced to get down to the basics and questioning basics
Sudeep: which is not such a bad thing, naturally...
makes u get to know yrself better
and the choices that u make in yr tought times reveal yr true self
nowlsays: yes, we need it every so often...but as long as we find the answers and do not find ourselves much altered, its fine
trying times always expose you completely
Sudeep: yes and i dont like the alteration
Sudeep: but if i reject the alteration, i lose something now
if i accept the alteration, i lose myself
Sudeep: if it ultimately comes to this choice, losing myself or losing something that i hold dear -what does one choose
Sudeep: there's no answer to this question
its a gut reaction
nowlsays: I opted for losing a bit of myself, clinging on to the loved ones, coz they far outweighed the bit I was losing; though, on another ground, I may have chosen differently; we all stand our grounds, and the ground we stand decides our stand most of the time
Sudeep: yaaa.....
as of today, i choose to lose a bit of myself. a bit like a bargain with god, i guess. to hold on to something important....
maybe tomorrow, if forced to bargain again or further, i wl reverse the choice...
nowlsays: depending on the ground you stand on then...it sounds like you may not be firm about your beliefs, but I find it as a standing by the belief of having love n faith for your dearest ones
Sudeep: love yes, faith. dont know.
nowlsays: hmm..yes, its love; the faith anyways gets altered when you make the choice
Sudeep: exactly
exactly :(
how can love survive without the faith
wont one feel resentful at the love?
for affecting the faith
nowlsays: unbelievably, i does; may not be of the same thread; but it does remain nonetheless; the bitterness is for a lifetime, no doubt;
i=it
Sudeep: so basically one makes that basic compromise again - i will live with a bit of bitterness and the constant nagging of doubtful faith, because i have the love
nowlsays: yes, it may be in the subconcious, but it never goes away; how cld it, coz it never is the way you exactly wanted it to be...
but we are a strange being..
there are many shades of love, and there are many shades to us..
we only see what we like to see and feel what we want to, and we end up still living with that love, though the underlying faith is wavering
Sudeep: and to me, that state of being has been the ultimate subversion of life and love, the ultimate triumph of the realist of the romantic...and yet i am moving towards it, in wonder and dislike at my own self....
anyway, its an endless discussion.....but thanks for having clarified so much....at least i feel i am not alone....and someone understands the madness of what i am thinking.....

Hot Potato

I still smile when I think of Sidh impulsively calling me a Hot Potato after catching me looking at my cell practically every 10 seconds (ok, fifteen!).

But the laughter is not without its tinge of sadness. When Allan suddenly asked me on Friday night if I feel lonely, I was hardpressed to reply. Because I dont know want to appear as one of those sad, misfitting people in need for company...neither do I want to deny the fact that I AM someone who is close to several people who are my support system, and their absence makes me feel incomplete...and yes, then I do get lonely, like today.

And then I think about how Mum is the only one who consistently makes an effort to reach out to me and talk to me and listen to me while I am here. Other loved ones - DB, U, L, D - make an effort once in a while, but it's more like "this is the way I am, live with it". When they do make that effort, I feel happy and touched, and yet grateful, which is a terrible thing to feel. Yet others wake up to my existence only when I disappear. Like I admitted that I feel lonely sometimes, yes, I do feel hurt too.

Its also ironic how I am in regular touch with so many people I dont particularly care for...yet out of touch with so many close ones. I know whats happening in the lives of distant friends, yet the tragedies and the stresses of the lives of U, D, L pass me by, rendering me a stranger in the lives of the very people who have been part of me.

It saddens me, this breakdown of connect to the part of my life I consider most precious. It angers me, the price I am paying for genuinely great experience and exposure. It scares me, to think of the implications.

On a quiet Sunday evening, with six more weeks stretching before me, this is a good recipe for depression, isn't it. And I cant think of a single, constructive way of approaching this self-piteous mix of sadness/anger/fear. So much so for smart, sensible, positive Sudeep.

my HK trip :)

This was certainly one of the best holidays ever! Outings to attractive tourist places, shopping expeditions, exploratory walks, drinking evenings...all conducted in a cool weather, with convenient transport, polite people and in the company of one of my closest friends....this certainly was one of the BEST holidays ever!

But more than a holiday, its the city of Hong Kong that I am totally fascinated by (and like all my fascinations, maybe even a little in love with!). I dont know what part of my trip enamored me the most...

The area in and around the Central Business District - awe inspiring buildings, the intricasies of streets at multiple levels, the focus and sharpness of the people thronging the sidewalks, the convenient elevated walkways and escalators, the unique, cool eateries, the rightfully expensive stores - its a place that I spent two half-days walking there and yet could easily spend many more! I didn't really have to do anything, I just walked and absorbed and felt very comfortable, yet very turned on.

The sheer option of "things to do" (something I constantly feel the lack of in Blr). Within an hour of your decision, you could be walking along the Avenue of Stars walk along the sea, admiring the skyline and observing the people around you...or you could be on the peak, taking a walk in a quiet lane with the lights of the city twinkling beneath you...or you could be on an island, enjoying the small eateries and a long, picturesque walk...or you could choose from the multiple "types" of markets to explore...or you could visit an entertainment/theme park...sigh...I know I sound like a sales brochure, but I cant get over it.

Like Bombay and Delhi, HK also appeals for those like me who enjoy observing a melting pot of cultures....heavily Westernised, yet unique in its own skin...Chinese influence evident in a lot of explicit and implicit...containing a virtual army of expats, from finance/IT professionals to small time businessmen...this is one city where I could spend as much observing people, as the sights.

I am not denying the appeal of the trips to historical Hampi or breathtakingly beautiful Narkanda...but the appeal of a big, thriving, entertaining, interesting, convenient city is great altogether!

Another experience tick marked....

Last weekend was the quietest weekend I have EVER spent in my life.

There was shopping (!)...and books...and movies...to occupy my time, but NO conversations, NO social interactions, NO errands, NO chores, NO emails - nothing to really absorb the mind.

Hence, 2 days of silence. Complete silence.

I treat this as a positive experience for 3 different reasons...

One, I havent had a weekend like this in months! I vaguely remember having a relatively non-social, at-home weekend sometime in Jan :) but even then, there was plenty of social interaction, at least on the phone.

Two, I am glad of the experience. That, from ultra hyper weekends to ultra quiet ones, I have traversed the range!!

Three, I dont welcome this often though. And I take it as a good sign. Shows that I am alive, not existing. To exist, I just need my time to be occupied with reasonably interesting/entertaining activities. Instead, I still need my mind, my spirit to be turned on.

Cheers!

A pat on the back? or an ostrich egg for breakfast?

Its been 3 weeks. Exactly. To the t. I arrived in this room three Sundays ago at 3:30 pm.

Within a few days, I was comfortable. Actually, I was comfortable within 2 days. A comfy room, malls n theatres around, transportation to work taken care of, positive reaction from office...naturally I was! Then I got to Manila better...the eat, drink, shop and be merry culture...and I became more comfortable. Life became better as I made two good friends, P and Al, cheerful, articulate souls who engaged me and were good hosts. Interesting sightseeing trips, good evening-outs. Active weekends, pleasant weekdays. Chatty conversations and rambling chats. Absorbing books and mixed movies. Lots of avenues for shopping.

So...even though things will slow down after the initial hyperactivity...life seems ok for the coming weeks.

Except (and there's always that word, isnt it??)....except that I miss the comfort of close ones..I am worried that there's still scope for the assignment to be called ineffective...I long for the independence of my own apartment and my own car...I am scared of what this will do to us, to the core.

So, as I act, as I move, as I smile, as I explore....I think and I fear and I worry and I speculate.

But then, as L says, its only the tears and pangs that make the smile worthwhile.

Only I hope there's a smile at the end :)

Nothing works when it doesnt want to...

Movie in the packed darkness of a theatre, a well made, throbbing musical. Favorite songs on the player, eminently danceable. Fabulous top of the line brands with the coolest displays. Diverse crowds in a row of interesting-looking eating places and bars. A continued story line on the QAF soap, 2 episodes. A nice book, charming and funny. Distraction, absorption, entertainment, exhaustion....nothing worked. The mind still ticked, the heart still obsessed and the head still ached. I just wanted a hug.

Imtihaan - The Test :)

I feel cornered. As I indulged in breakfasts and malls, somewhere the ground was moving beneath my feet and I have ended up pinned against the wall, looking on in anguish as the things I love and the things I cherish are stripped away from my body, leaving exposed the hidden, trembling self.

But I call logic to my rescue. And my ego. I am not pinned. Yet. I am not drowning. Yet. What I have written above is probably a taste of what COULD happen. But whether it will happen or not is in MY hands. This time is a test. Of the validity of my professional expertise, of the endurance of my personal relationships, of the strength of my values, of the existence of my survival skills, of my level of awareness of self, of my faith in loved ones. Of my essential belief that the world around is a reflection of what we are, and not the reverse.

Putting structure and words around the nightmarish scenario doesn't make it less fearful, but at least gives me some inner strength to deal with the twilight demons. I wish I could call someone to help me through this, but they are also part of the test, and hence unpredictable.

I wish I could move on quickly and sharply like someone has. But I find it difficult to extricate myself from the deep wells of emotion I have been in. So I need to accept what I am and deal with this "test".

Success but a long way to go

Exactly a week has passed by. I have learnt more about myself this week than I normally would in several. Actually I have learnt more about myself in the past two months than I probably did the entire last year. But then, thats another post.

Right now, I feel a sense of relief - the project is not as complex as I had feared it would be; the situation her is more challenging that I had thought it was; Manila is turning out to be a place where I can think of spending several weeks in; I have started making friends in office; the weekend was not depressing.

But mixed with relief is reality too. Less than 10% of my time is done....eleven weeks are yet to go. Will I survive it well? And what will this do to us? That fear is my reality check.

Lets see....its fingers crossed and a hope in my heart :)

The kiss of memory

I was seized by nostalgia at breakfast. The constant chatter of the Filipino-American family on the next table took me back to that time, oh it feels like a dream, when I had sat in similar buffets with my family, happy about the sausages, smugly sipping black coffee, looking out of the picture windows at the city outside waiting to be explored by me. Many, many years later, I sit on a similar cane chair, looking out of a similar picture window onto a strange city. I am alone, there’s no chatter. Instead, there’s the morning paper and my glass of apple juice and my thoughts on how I will plan my day. Somewhere in the corner is heartache, which I ignore as I don’t want it to color my day. The heartache is kept for twilight hours.

How silly we are to try and visualize the future. How can we presume to think that we can predict the events fate can throw at us or the decisions that we will take? Life is not an algorithm, much to the dismay of control freaks like me. The variables can change mid way and the course of life can often be unalterably deviated in moments. And sometimes we don’t even know what these variables are. Do I know how I landed up here? Do I know how some people entered my life? Do I know why I did some things I did? I look back with surprise - I don’t know! All I know is that I am here. Carrying the past with me, a past filled with memories that come to greet me at the oddest of moments., plunging me into inexplicable sadness And hoping for the future. For love, for peace. And if not that, then faith and courage.

Chatter

I have made a checklist of all that I need to do before leaving. The checklist is divided between my prep for Manila and stuff that I need to put in place for Bangalore. It includes the list of items I need to buy as well. Despite all this, I know I will forget some stuff that I shall remember only later, but what the heck, imagine the chaos if I had NOT done this!

But do I leave with a clean, light heart? No. I am scared and apprehensive about what this will do to what is fast becoming one of the most critical relationships in life. Not that that itself is without some basic issues. In the sunshine of the day, I am able to balance these concerns with the "other shoe" approach and reason out the wrinkles into smooth silence. But in the twilight of sleep they sometimes come back to haunt me. They cause the occasional pouts and silences, otherwise remaining mournfully within. Most logical people will tell me that this is silly and destructive behavior, but when I know there is no resolution possible, I dont see the point of creating unnecessary friction by articulating them. This may be the approach of a quitter, in which I case surprise myself. At least I continue to have that capacity :)

One area where there's no surprise is my reaction to the "others" in his life. I had made a comment in Nov 06 which was a clear articulation of what I felt at that time, as well as what I knew I would continue to feel. There's no right or wrong to it, its just that I belong to a different planet and artlessly facing, literally or not, the past and potential loves of a loved one takes its toll on me. I know I cant do much about it, because this is inherently me, but I will at least try to control my expression of my emotions here and avoid potential fallouts due to this extremely silly (in hindsight) concern.

The entry of people like Man, Such and by extension, Shal, into my life reminds me of that period in 2005 when I felt that my values and priorities were inverted by the mirror of reality. Which is why I am clear that despite occasionally being with these people, they are not "friends" at least not yet. This constant reminder will keep me on my toes in the future...I do NOT want to face that crisis again where my emptiness at spending time with "non friends" causes me anguish and anger at myself. Time is a precious commodity to me, and I can think of many better ways to spend it, including just being with myself.

While on that subject, I have managed to spend time with what I call my "sanity" people - D, U - in the past few days. Today too, I will spend more time with D and hopefully meet L as well. I would be keen to get L's reaction to DB. While D may be more intelligent and U more sensitive, L's instincts are usually the best with people. Furthermore, its the context that makes his reaction more important to me. U has come around to being supportive, D continues to be an irritable ostrich.

At least I am reasonably more occupied at work, as I prepare for the trip - both from an assignment and logistical perspective. As usual, the last week I am sure will be much more hectic than all the previous 3 put together! I am glad, it will prevent me from thinking and worrying.

Right now, the focus is on this weekend. Last weekend was so so nice. This one will hopefully be decent too. At least Sunday evening onwards promises to be fun, provided a certain Kamat agrees - Filmfare awards, Coffee with Karan and Oscars :)

Iggly piggly stuff

There are so many impressions, opinions and thoughts doing the rounds of the concentric circles of my mind that I dont have the energy to even articulate them anymore, let alone record. The careful ironies of middle class "values", the conveniences of relationships, the intricasies of the infidel, the pain of loved ones, the romance vs comfort tussle in a relationship, the beauty of a human mind, the demons of the human soul.....

Some of these are a reaction to the events happening in other people's lives, others are an off shoot of bits of internal flotsam that keep rising to the surface now and then.

Right now, I shall have tea.

:)

Morning Ruminations

Its probably the first time I am blogging early in the morning! It’s a dull, slightly warm morning, very unlike the type I associate with Bangalore. DB’s just left and I am compiling the papers for my visa application while the maid cleans her way through the living room. A look at my last few posts confirms my suspicion – 9 to 5 jobs are not my style. I have barely worked for the past 2 weeks, just kept enough on my plate to get by the day, have been enjoying myself with a lovely evening life and been reading regularly. If I had read this on someone else’s blog while I was in my normal throes of working, I would have been heartily envious, but not now. In perfect alignment with my mother, my idle mind has been occupied with more devils than I care to count, all driving me to the verge of destructive behavior. Thankfully, the two weeks beginning today will be anything but idle, with the preparation for the (hopefully) travel. Prep work for the logistics/arrangements and prep work for the actual assignment. This shall keep the devils at bay, till I am suddenly free again and thought/emotion return. It scares me to even think about that day and so I wont. I shall now take out the clothes for the day and go for my bath.

Dramatic travails of a bruised heart

Picking up shards of broken glass. Snuffing out the blue tinted candle. The stillness in the air. The nagging tooth ache. Donning the black kurta. The aggression of memory – the switched off phone, the 2 day gaps. Yet - no feeling, just blankness. No doubts, just numbness. Sleepy, very sleepy. Woken up by the grind of the house being built next door. Tea, conversation against the backdrop of loud music, canned laughter and grinding. A drop in the car, then back to unhappy, sweaty sleep. Wake up, return to feeling. Doubts, anger. The back aches, the head pounds. Sour faced dentists deliver bad news and cranky horse cart owners dent the car. Meetings cancelled. Mails and messages of conflict and pain. Long drives in sticky weather. Now back to home. Wonder what awaits me? I long for a good ol’ fashioned cribbing session. But can cribbing lighten the load in my heart?

Auto self destruct mode....

I am so scared of being happy. Its as if I am this young, bitter child of the street who knows that the glimpse of luxury doesn't actually mean luxury, that the taste of happiness could be wiped away at one go by the cruel Gods who extract penance for unkn0wn sins I have committed in this or past life.

My fault, or "nadaani" as L would call it, has been that I have treated this fear of happiness logically. You are scared of water, you stay away from it. DOES NOT mean that if you fear happiness, you stay away from it. That's self destructive. And I am conscious that all of us, however "positive" or "optimistic" we may believe ourselves to be, have that self destructive streak in us.

I just hope that my fear doesn't destroy me.

Losing my war against the big C

I do what I think is right, what comes naturally to me. I act and I react impulsively, and I pretty much am myself most of the time. I rarely think about cost/benefit analysis on a day to day basis and I never hold others accountable for what I am doing or what I am responsible for. I express my likes/dislikes, pleasure/irritation points openly and usually let the flow of my thoughts and emotions be governed by the flow of the relationship and the other’s behavior. A lot of times I am told “you do a lot for me/him/her”. I don’t know…I just do what I feel like doing and I am usually willing to lay down my life for the people I love.

All this implies trust. And one trusts on the assumption that that trust wont be abused or broken. What really really gets my goat (as in, gets me genuinely angry as opposed to merely irritated) is when people push the limits on this front – taking my reactions for granted (for example, creating issues that they know are important enough to affect me but small enough for me not to act churlish); manipulating my activities to suit their convenience; physically or mentally exacting a lot from me when they know I cant afford that; making me compromise on what I believe/want, all the while knowing that if I refuse to compromise, I will be forced to make choices which they know I wont.

What they DON’T understand is that even if I am allowing this trust to be abused, my mind may forget but my heart wont. Cracks within always develop into cracks outside sooner or later, and you may think that “I will make up for it tomorrow” but honey, tomorrow cant mend the past, it can only soothe. Another thing – somewhere I would lose that respect for you, and a bit of respect for myself as well; and respect is very very very important to me, the day I feel a sense of loss on that front, I will end any relationship, no matter what the cost.

Naturally, my boiling points are different for different people. And so are my final reactions (for example, with U once, I reached that point after a LOT and even then, I just changed my tactic, I didn’t give up). But it would heed to remember that are LIMITS.

For the past few days, I have been thinking of that. Because a LOT of people, at work and outside, have been behaving this way. Unfortunately most of these people are those who have entered my life recently (i.e. in the past 1-1.5 yrs), making me question my judgment of people.

And the people I am closest to – Mum, U, D, L – continue to be the ones who set the benchmark for being impeccable guardians of my trust.

That’s what keeps me sane. The thought of these wonderful people – whose souls I love, whose characters I respect, whose lives bring me positive – keep the increasing cynicism at bay, the cynicism at the numerous people I find around me who are cheating, lying, manipulating, confusing, avoiding……yes I know this is unnecessarily dramatic, but SERIOUSLY. There is just TOO much negativity!!!! And its making me pissed because I DON’T want to be negative. I DON’T want to think twice before acting. I DON’T want to indulge in psychological warfare. I DON’T want to be careful about what I express. I DON’T want to think about give/take in relationships. I DON’T want to go in with the basic assumption that everyone is out to screw me.

But its becoming an increasingly difficult battle to fight.

Dilution of deserved rewards

I was very happy last night, yet wasnt really able to enjoy the happiness, because of the numerous other related issues clouding my mind. Am just not able to relax, my mind keeps going over those seemingly minor incidents (the 2 day gap, the wrong sms, the switch off) which somehow have a much larger symbolic significance in my mind. The problem is, that there's no clear solution except to make drastic choices, which I dont want to.

What the f**k is this....I deserve my happiness, dont I????? I have been good, I have made efforts, I have changed myself a lot, I have bloody hell been through a bloody hell of a lot....why the f**k cant I have my cake and eat it too for a change???????????

I dont know what this trip is gng to achieve, but even action for the sake of action seems like a diversion to me.

Conflicts and crunches

24th Jan will always be counted as the “sms” day for me. An sms that brought be right back to the basic – How far am I willing to go to save what I cherish? And to what extent will I compromise on my beliefs to do so? Do all such decisions ultimately come down to a cost benefit analysis? How far can I compartmentalize my life? And can I believe that someone else can compartmentalize me to the extent that I am always safe, no matter what happens in the other “compartments”? Can I really view a potentially explosive emotional situation (for me) with a detached eye and take a decision by brain, not heart? When confronted with a conflict between my instincts and my brain, who will I listen to, in a crunch? And, despite my outwardly calm demeanor, a crunch it is.

Yesterday was probably one of the most exhausting days of my life. I was fire fighting and coordinating from 8 in the morning onwards (after having closed the ppt at 2 am and slept at 3 am). I was talking, listening through the day. I was planning minutes/hours in advance. I hardly ate anything normal, mainly survived on cookies and muffins and coffee. I finally ended the day at 11:30 and slept under the influence of a few drinks. All this while, I was thinking….about the changes soon to come, about the possibility of a reunion in the coming week, about the plans that I need to make…..and then, from 4 pm onwards, of all of the questions/thoughts listed above….my brain was whizzing with thoughts I didn’t have time to structure, my heart was wrenched with emotions I didn’t have time classify, and all this while I was this smiling, efficient machine that ensured that the day was smooth and productive for the people I was taking care of.

Today, I will find the silence I need to absorb all of yesterday’s produce. And then I will respond. Yes, respond. Not react.

Judgment and compassion

Opinions vary on whether I am judgmental or not. Some people - having been able to talk to me about their foibles and falls without getting embarassed, having been recipients of a patient, quieter me - think I am not. Others - partners in my thought process, witness to my strong opinions, stand on controversial areas - think I most certainly am.

At the cost of sounding a cliche, I am myself not sure. Because I dont really understand what the word judgmental means. The dictionary confuses me further. It uses the term "to judge" in its meaning and the word "judgmental" includes "to judge" in its meaning :)

Yes, I am judgmental to the extent that I form opinions, I believe in right/wrong actions and I believe that good follows right and bad follows wrong. So I judge events, actions, even words. But people? I dont judge people. I dont classify them. I dont cast them as heroes or villians and I avoid stereotyping as much as possible. I realise people are fallible and they make mistakes, stupid mistakes, terrible one even, that destroy others as much as themselves, but I also believe that it's not my lot to carry out the sentence. Whether it be as a friend, son, brother, confidant or lover, I have to do what I believe is right for me - and that usually means just being there. Because that's what they need.

Has anyone thought about WHY i am so hung up on being clear as to right/wrong, forming opinions and passing judgment left, right and centre? It is not because I perceive myself to be a moral guardian of my world. Instead, its because I realise that most of us dont really have the ability to be truly detached and unemotional enough to carry out actions just as actions, without letting a moral connotation get attached to them.

What this implies is that wrong actions invariably lead to sadness all around. Simple as that. Doing something for the wrong reasons, lying to yourself, lying to someone else - this may get us convenient results in the immediate run (and we think "oh! I am so smart, having my cake and eating it too!") but sooner or later, our guilt or the others' instincts create a cycle of events that usually lead to either pain or inner death.

I realise that I am sounding like a sanctimonious saint here, but truly I am not. I just feel very very sad when I see people going through pain, especially pain that they could have avoided. Or when I see people living lives in a clinical fashion, deriving joy as per convenience...a death I would not wish on anyone.

Drunken ruminations

Friday was when it all struck me. Along with the martinis and the margaritas, I sipped at the crazy cocktail that my life had become. The chill of change, the hint of the past, the sharpness of emotions, the volume of activity, the taste of love, the flow of people...after a long, long time, I was in a state of near inebriation, something I can afford to be only with people I trust. This time, it was Nik.

My head didn't ache the next day, but my heart did, after the morning conversation. I guess one can never escape a hangover.

2006 lists!!

It gets a bit tiring obsessing about yourself and dissecting your thoughts and emotions…I don’t know how others stand it! Yes, am going through a depression….well, so be it. For now, am relegating it to the background. Soon my mind (sub conscious?) will tire itself and join the surface cooler waters.

In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy myself making lists.

The first one, to cheer the fab year that Bollywood has had, is my favorite movies of 2006 –

Top 10

Gangster – hopeless romanticism; Shiney’s eyes; lovely music; great shots and flow
Dhoom 2 – sheer adrenaline; beautiful people; Hrithik = God
Omkara – one of the most well made movies of all time; the intensity; the quieter performances
Rang De Basanti – the sheer idea; the lullaby song; the truly ensemble cast/performances
Don – so much fun!; SRK super cool; well picturised songs
Dor – the uniqueness and simplicity of the story and performanes
Corporate – simple, well told story; Bips’ look
Golmaal – genuinely good comedy; cute Tusshar
Fanaa – here only because of Kajol
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna – surprisingly better than expected; beautiful to look at; dared to make a movie with dislikable main characters

Runner ups (!!)

Krrish
Lage Raho Munnabhai
Taxi no. 9211
Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota
Mixed Doubles

Disappointments

15 Park Avenue
Bas Ek Pal

Didn’t see (not that I missed anything)

Kabul Express
Babul
Vivah

Last year, I had made a list of "changes" in the list of people I am close to. This time, I am just making a list of all the people I am close to - at the cost of sounding offensive, an inventory so to speak!

Mum, U, D, L, DB (new)

Shk, Shw, Dom, Sidh

H, Sau (up), Nik (up) , Rku, M, Aish, Shal

Ven (down), Sej, Meet (new), Sid, Jas, Am (new), Ar, Ank

Sm (new), LC (new), Son, Poo (down), Shilpa, Amit, Man (new)

K, Lord, V (in and out)

Cant think of any other lists right now....its late at night, and after a highly satisfying conversation, I am happier :)

Stop the lift. Press the Down button

The low is coming on after ages of holding it in check for the constant stream of activities in my life. This time the catalyst is the book I just finished - The Married Man. This book, loaded with emotion and atmosphere, I read mainly in the compressed cabins of airplanes from which there was no escape.

I know that I felt as if I was floating through a graceful dance of recognition and pain, I know that I smiled sometimes and wept twice, I know that the reading of the book was given company by my own set of recollections and thoughts.....but it all seems so blurred now. What was I thinking? What were those memories that those lines triggered off, and why could I remember the feel of those memories but not the details? Mum leading Dad into the bathroom, emanciated and dependent....the phone call last year....the expression on DB's face when he turned around...the tear down L's cheek....the blank, pain hazed stare of Mum....why are all these memories so hazy yet feel so sharp? As time passes, will they morph into one long glaze of sweet pain, the kind that's recalled under the influence of love or alcohol? Will they even be true? Or will they become urban legends of my own mind?

I know I am tired. And angry. Yes, I have accepted the fact that I need to look at life as an overall package. Yes, I know that the deal is that you pay a price for everything you get, and the price gets higher as the things get better. And yes, I have got used to the feeling of always having my heart cut out across cities and always "missing" a loved one. But I am still angry. The anger is doubled because there is really no choice. Or rather, the choice is one that I care not to make.

I know that I need to slow down. But I already am uncomfortably aware that that's one resolution which is not getting actioned this year. If anything, the ambiguity is going to keep me even more on my toes than the last two years put together.

I know that today time stood still. The drive, the shopping, the food, the goodbye. Life is never going to be the same again.

I know this is a low that's not going away easily.

From black to white to grey...turn of the year

I have just finished watching The Squid and the Whale. Though I liked it, I am not sure why it’s been so acclaimed. I am sitting in a heated room under a green blanket with a blank white wall in front of me – the sheer lack of taste, good or bad, is itself depressing. The temperature outside is somewhere in the range of 1 to 5, and that cheers me. Its twelve on the night of the first of January 2007, and for some unfathomable reason I have been avoiding writing about it.

Is it the past?

2006 has had its fair share of ups and downs, but the one thing I am glad about is that, for the first time, I took not one but two leaps of faith and didn’t falter. The year had started with me getting settled into a role that was a significant distance from my responsibilities earlier. I was nervous, tense and yet, thanks to the kind of support being given to me, strangely confident as well. I didn’t think too much about it and just threw myself into work, waking up a few months later to realize that I had passed the litmus test somewhere on the way. I fought another battle with my insecure, cynical self in the second half of the year, when, out of the blue, I was faced with a prospect I had believed pretty much impossible till then. Once again I responded to someone else’s faith and took that leap, consciously avoided thinking about what I was doing and before I knew it, I was in the most wondrous experience of my life.

So why have I been avoiding writing?

Is it the present?

The ‘new year’ is always significant for me because my two most important objectives are to be at peace with myself (so I can think and feel clearly) and have a pleasant Day1 (that sets the tone for the year).

The turn of the year from 2006 to 2007 will symbolize many things for me – love, pain, thought, winter, fog, cold, food, love, activity, laughter, beauty, winter, food, walks, drives, pain.

The experience of being in Simla (and now Narkanda) with the people I am closest to has been great. The biting cold, the constant hunger, the silly laughter, the quiet companionship, the exhausting drives, the beautiful mountains…all have been equally welcome and equally enriching.

So why have I been avoiding writing?

Because of the future?

Well…there are no doubt some tensions. I continue to be worried about Mum’s health (and for that matter my own). My finances are yet to get in order and its high time they did, so that’s something I somehow need to achieve. But there’s a lot positive as well – including the upcoming event in the family and DB. So the overall balance is not too bad (though that too is marred by the anger of distant locations)

I finally arrive at the inevitable - the basic reason for avoidance is what has traditionally been the reason for avoiding anything – fear.

Never before in my life has the future looked so grey, so uncertain, so ambiguous and so marred with conflict. I have no clue what’s going to happen at work – which location or locations will I be in, what role or roles will I do, what my career path is going to be. I have no clue how my family role will pan out – how will mum’s health shape up, what will D & A’s plans work out, what locations we all will be in. I have no clue where I am going with DB or will this stand the test of time and conflicting priorities. And these three priorities….no, let me call them something else….these three parts of my soul may end up conflicting with each other. That’s something I have faced earlier too in my life but have worked hard (very hard) to ensure none suffered. For the first time, I sense a loss of control, a sense of being swept with tides that may dash me against the rocks and break my soul into three distinct parts, thus effectively killing it.

That is what I am scared of. Fundamentally, feverishly scared of.

In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy the balance 3 days of my holiday and start working out the broad “resolutions” for the coming year.

Que sera sera.

Nightmares and Positivity

The re occurence of the old nightmare has against infused a tension into me that will not go away easily. As usual, it is not the event itself but the sense of helplessness and the lack of solution that causes the tension.

I know I have said this before and I will probably say this a thousand times till I die, but there's nothing more painful to me than the suffering of loved ones. This reminds of something that I read yesterday - it is the strong who suffer the most. To my shock, I realise this is one of the truest statements I have ever come across in all senses.

I dont know if its my disgusting (hallucinatory) positivity or the reality that life is beautiful (!), but I continue to be glad about the fact that for all these tensions, I have ways and means of dealing with it as well, whether it be my own common sense or the affection of loved ones.

That still doesnt take away the gut wrenching pain I feel when I know a loved one has slept with a disturbed mind....or is spending the day in a haze of suffering....and I stand by the side.

How am I going get out of this cycle and whether its in me to even try to do this, I dont know. For now, I live with it.

Painful ironies

There was so much wrong. And yet my mind just ignored it and focused on my attention on what could be right. Made me look beyond the surface, beyond the conventionalities of judgment, on the possibilities, the potential. In a way, I surrendered my will to a deeper, wiser instinct that guided me to where I am today.

Today, there is so much right. And yet my mind refuses to rest easy and keeps visiting the areas that could be wrong. Bitter irony it might be, it is also irritating and destructive. I strongly believe in self fulfilling prophecies and I DON’T want this one to be like that. As I keep saying, I can fight against the whole world but cant fight inwards.

But I don’t know what to do – the “could be wrong” areas are based on a maze of assumptions, possibly over-intellectualized thought, imagination, over reactive tendencies….or could be based on rational thought disguised as instinct, patterns that are below the surface and my understanding of people.

The thing is – I don’t know. And the best thing to do about such situations is to leave them alone. Yet those nagging fears and apprehensions don’t listen to such logic. They gnaw at me, snipe at me and at best, circle me warily if I react strongly.

Looking inwards to predict

One doesn't write just to record, right? I write because it helps me articulate and define my internal thoughts and emotions, clarify ambiguity (as far as possible) with the final outcome of understanding what's happening to/around me and then figuring out the map - internal and external - for the future. My blog especially plays the role of a navigator through my life.

And the reason I am saying all of this is to get to the bottom of why I have not blogged recently. Even though I seem to be perpetually racing against time, I have always found the space to capture those reams of thought and emotion at signifcant times of my life. And the past one month certainly comes in that category.

Transition out from current role, Unni's wedding, DB.....all these have translated into a surprisingly complex mix of emotions...complex because at a time, i was operating at multiple levels, often trying to reconcile "good" and "bad" at the same time. Not that that's something new for me, but it usually is blog worthy as well.

Yet I have sensed an internal resistance to capturing it in words. Maybe its just laziness or exhaustion, but I thnk it's probably my sense of the pointlessness of doing so - after all, none of what i am feeling or going through right now will have a bearing on what I will feel or go through tomorrow. Its a very very unusual situation to be in, but probably for the first time in my life, I am more interested in looking ahead than looking back.

More on that front in my "end of 2006-beginning of 2007" post.

My sad moments

While it is not my place to decide what is sad and what is sadder, what is less painful and what is more, for me personally there is nothing more heartbreaking than the loss of a young life. I realise that I cant do much more here than recount clichés, but truly, whether it be in life or death, is there anything more de humanizing than the loss of potential?

The book I was reading on Saturday night ended with the death of the protagonist’s best friend, an eight year old girl. The entire scene and the ones leading up to it were so touchingly, simply described that I could not help breaking down. And could not help thinking about similar scenarios that I unfortunately have been part of.

My first encounter with the death of a young one was when I was 14. A younger boy who used to travel in the same school van as mine died, I don’t remember how. I remember feeling bad but not really thinking about it. Until, that is, when we passed his house the next day and saw his mother standing at the gate, sobbing and saving to the van passing by. That’s when the gaping hole hit me – between “being there” and then, suddenly, not being there.

A year later, I had just moved from Blr to Del when Dom wrote to me that Reetobhash, a classmate and a decent friend, had cancer. A few months later, he told me, in a tearful letter, that he had died. This time the sense of loss was more personal, more real. Again, a sense of wonderment – I had just left him a few months ago, and how he just didn’t exist anymore.

The next again, it was news of a friend in another city. This time it was Deepti, and I was in Del. I had been with her through some pretty tough times, with her bf and her parents. She had been a messed up kid but her life was finally back on track. And yet it was not be. Possibly due to her ex’s machinations, she died a sudden, painful death. A smart, pretty, fun loving girl – the flame was wiped out in seconds, leaving her loved ones devastated.

The same year, it was another death that rocked me – Ashu. We are still not sure how it happened, though it seems pretty certain it could have been murder. But that’s not important. What’s important is that he was mad in love, and mad is the right word. And despite the cautionings of well wishers like Mum, he hurtled down the mad path of love, till tragedy struck. This was someone I had grown up with, been intimate with, relied upon, fought with. He had his whole life in front of him – he was a kind, street smart, funny, crazy boy and he deserved his life. At the sight of his body, I experienced a near loss of control, a sense which I hope I shall not feel soon again.

And so it has been. Recently too, the incident regarding Prateek (Ank’s flatmate) and his death (dengue, for god’s sake!!!!) again shook me – a young guy with a tragic life behind me, starting out a afresh. And now LC’s friend’s daughter’s death – once again, a medical complication gone bad. And whoosh – a 21 year old life snuffed out.

I cry; for a moment, I imagine myself in the shoes of the parents and their grief stricken lives ahead. As I said, I cant be presumptuous enough to declare that any other kind of grief is any lesser. But there is a sadness to these deaths that strikes right at the middle of my stupid, cynical, tired heart.

And last night, those moments were very, very, very sad.

Pagalpan and peace

A few weeks ago I was going through some archives in this blog and realized that a significant change, amongst others, was the increasing frequency of posts around specific themes as opposed to generic updates when I started blogging! I guess its something to do with the fact that I refined my writing to a point where I wrote only when I felt I had something really substantial to share with myself.

Anyway, today I just want to take a quick snapshot of my life, especially this month!

More than anything else, its been mentally exhausting (there I go with my theme again!). But seriously, this month I have been thinking on all fronts possible!

Despite claiming to be completely switched off at work, I am still affected by the issues here, whether it be my business or my team. After all, I have been associated with both for so long and its certainly not possible to just detach myself and move on. Hence, concentrated thought has gone into team’s individual issues and points around coaching, development, promotions, transition and so on. More than thought, heartburn actually! At the fact that potential has still not been realized and long term growth is still not being taken into account. Mixed with the heartburn is some degree of guilt, because after all I am the supervisor and hence responsible. Maybe I haven’t done enough?? More thought, more introspection.

Similarly issues in the business continue to affect me – attrition, leadership, new initiatives, blah blah blah. This is not just thought but extensive meetings/discussions around these areas where I have been forced to think and articulate and in some cases, commit. More than the team, it is this area that has also caused some degree of emotional exhaustion because this is my baby that is being discussed and planned for. Its part of me.

Which is why the ongoing transition is critical to me – to ensure there are no slippages, no discontinuities and maybe, somewhere, I leave a legacy that’s remembered. Sigh.

Speaking of parts, there’s a new part of me which has surfaced which I never knew existed, a very demonstrative part. Forget about others who have known me for a long time, even I get slightly freaked out when I think about it or observe it from a distance. But then, why should I think or observe? When I am “in” it, I am perfectly comfortable and feel perfectly natural. Which is why I don’t say I have changed, its just that a part has come out with a catalyst called DB. Dealing with it, of course, has taken time, and yes, that’s part of the mental exhaustion thingy.

This also seems to be the time of the year for practically everyone to face upheavals/changes in their lives – Dolly, Sau, Ven, Nik, Rku, Ank, Arj, Mum, U, Dar – the past 3 weeks have had in depth conversations with ALL of them! And I constantly feel guilty about the ones who I know are going through a lot but haven’t reached out to me and so have not got attention – Shal, Shk, Betu. In addition, I am not practicing what I preach – that just because someone hasn’t got issues doesn’t mean they get neglected – Hin, Jas, L, Shw etc etc etc. All these above thoughts have been occupying a significant amount of mindspace.

Not that I have completely recovered from the emotional rigors of the previous few weeks - job, K, Mum etc etc. Every now and then, there's the sudden knot in stomach, a rush of recent memory drawing me into momentary pain and confusion.

Plans for the future – next 1 month, next 3 months, and next 1 year – are another focus area (yuck yuck yuck, I am fed up of my language!). First, Dec – trips to Bbay, Kerala, Hyd and Delhi – all in a space of 1 month!!!!!!!!!! Then the onsite thing –how, when and for how long….god knows. Then the next year – I need to make some decisions here, am just thinking the ratio of heart/mind that I should use. Or maybe I should use my basic principle – using the heart as a decision making tool is ultimately using the mind!!!

Thankfully, all this “thinking” - past, present and future - has ensured that I haven’t “felt” too much, especially the feelings of the negative variety!

Considering that the thinking is soon going to be accompanied by hectic physical activity as well, I hope that the emotional roller coaster is stable enough and doesn’t start moving too fast!!!!! Else I am surely headed for a breakdown.

Which will bring me back to one of the recurring themes of this blog! Ha! Ha! Ha!

But yes, in the middle of this constant "exhaustion", there's peace.

The morning sms and the night chat, the sense of peace and love.

The tea, the laughter, the bitching, the comfort.

The online chat with Mum, the connect, the familiarity, the depth.

The drive home, the clarity, the space, the music.

Its these crucial moments that make my day.

Another visit to my fantasy

Unusual positions, innovative environments and experimental foods aside, one area of so-called "fantasy" for me has been Bombay.

I maintain that this city calls out to me. The largeness/anonymity feel, the energy and the bustle, the contrasts, the studied attitudes, the worship of consumerism, the recognition of night as part of day, the presence of the sea and hence things to do - it resonates with me.

Others maintain its my fantasy. That I love Bbay because I view it as the ideal vacation place, that I dont know the realities of living there. That I belong to Blr and Bombay will "suck my soul" and leave me unhappy and drained.

I submit that both the realities above, contrasting as they might be, are equally real. First of all, cant fantasies become reality? And reality need not always turn out pleasant, right? Isnt taking risk a part of life?

I continue to be attracted to the idea of moving there, even if as an experiment. Recent events make me feel that destiny is finally giving me a push in a direction which, it realises, I havent been in for fear of moving out of comfort zones.

Is it time?

p.s. I had a lovely, lovely weekend in Bbay, hence the post.

Missing a part of myself...

The rumbunctious sounds of the Don soundtrack fill the room....I have just come back from a pleasant, activity laden afternoon with U...am looking forward to drinks n dinner with Nik...have got a book I cant wait to get my teeth into.

And yet, all the while, I carry this ache around with me, a small piece of me that remains empty, yearning for the missing link that will make it whole.

Unfortunately, my life across the cities of Del-Blr-Chn-Dhk (and now Bom) has ensured that I am uncomfortably familiar with this feeling. Its the feeling of being torn, of wanting to be in two places at once....its the feeling that first makes me want to hate life and what it does to me and ends up making me want to hate myself for what I am and why I let life do this to me. Its a sweet feeling for all the nice memories it brings to me and its incredibly sad when it reminds me of what I am missing. It tickles me alive all over when it strikes all of a sudden and leaves me dead when it gets defeated and recedes.

Its the feeling I had guarded against for so long and had even pretended to forget it existed. But its back now, and I can no more pretend it doesn't exist than I can that I myself dont. Like the one I love, this feeling too is a part of me. A constant reminder of the pain that accompanies all happiness.

Until I find the missing link, the piece that I believe makes me whole.

Me and the Zodiac

Over the years, my fascination with Zodiac signs has only strengthened, upsetting the common notion that such interests are usually just teenage fascination! Of course, this could also mean that I am stuck in time, which is not far from the truth either! I do wish, however, that I had carried this interest further and deeper and not just been restricted to the Linda Goodman’s brand of literature. However, even with that, I have enjoyed myself thoroughly and it’s been a highly interesting journey of revelations about others, and self.

I say self, because that’s the direction in which this interest has moved. From my energies being focused on “guessing” (with approx. 75% accuracy) other people’s zodiac signs, and then predicting their behavior etc, I have grown more and more interested in my own equations with zodiac signs, the impact that certain people have on me and patterns that develop over time.

In the past few years, some of the interesting observations I have noted are given below – the most significant element is that my relationship with a particular sign is so reflective of the behavior associated with the sign! It makes me wonder whether I am in control at all or not!

· Capris - The number of Capris I know or am friendly with are less....but I certainly get along well with them! I also have the strangest association with them as well – because they are diametrically opposite to me, but then that’s probably the root cause of the (fatal) attraction – as I keep saying, cold Capris are a perfect foil for my madness J. But seriously, I submit my soul only to the altar of the dominant Capri. – Shk, H, DB

· Aquarians – invariably the people I have an instinctive liking for in a new group. I guess that’s natural because of the kind of personalities they have. But it’s a little more too – their strong individuality combined with a sense of fun appeals to me! Another strange thing is that I know several Aquarians with the same birth dates – 23rd Jan and 4th Feb being the most common. However, the relationships are usually not that long lasting or deep (Sidh being an exception), once again a function of the sign itself I guess. – Shef, Sidh, K, Son, Vik.

· Geminis – all my life I have avoided them thanks to Dolly. And suddenly from 2003 onw, I have a plethora of G friends! And yes, there’s no pattern in my relationships with them, ranging from highly inconsistent to very stable. The only common element is – humor and conversation. – Shw, Ven, Poo, Rku, Dom

· Librans – like the sign itself, my relationships with them too are blow hot-blow cold. Sudden surges of affection or chemistry can be followed by stronger drafts of coldness or just “deadness”. But the depth of feeling is usually strong and in some cases the impact of things going wrong can be harsh. – Sid, Lord, Jassi, Vky, J

· Scorpios – intensity signifies the sign and that’s what I am attracted TO. Usually the “silent waters run deep” types, I have had plenty of the “meeting of the mind” conversations with people of this sign. The other trend here is – the relationship is either very short or very long. – D, Eug, Jyo, Meet, LC, Ar

· Arians – the proverbial dark horses are thus in my life as well. Never having top of the mind recall when I think about signs I get along best with, people belonging to this sign have had the maximum influence on my life. Some have been just catalytic in their influence, changing the entire course of my life with their words or actions while others are less direct, influencing my thoughts and actions on a day to day basis. – Amit, L, Ank, M, Nik, Aish, Ruch, Am

· Pisces, Virgos, Sagis – no patterns at all. U, Sau and Shal are the singular friends I have from these signs. I am not getting into why I don’t get along too well with these signs, that’s another (less interesting) analysis that I am unwilling to invest in!

And where are the Leos??? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

The landing

Before I knew it, the music had reached its crescendo. But somehow, it didn't feel like a dramatic renouement. Instead it was smooth. Exciting, but smooth. Tingling, but smooth. Exuberant, but smooth. The eagle, to borrow a cliche, had landed.

DB's holiday turned out to be mine too, one of the bestest ever. In so many ways that I know I would be doing an injustice to try and put them down on paper, I just dont have the talent. I can close my eyes and remember the conversations, the incidents, the expressions, the laughter, the bitching, the wonder, the drives and the walks, the silences and the words.....but no, I just dont have it in me to capture it.

But naturally, nothing is absolute. Complications, and pain, comes with the package. I can just echo what I have said on this blog (unfortunately too many times) - nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.

And I haven't really been known to take the easy routes, have I?

:)

The Mango Tree

It's been weeks since my Hampi trip and I have been meaning to record my impressions. Yet one thing after another has overtaken me and my intentions didn't get translated to paper.

But I MUST write about one of the loveliest eating places I have ever been to - The Mango Tree.

After a few hours of tiring sightseeing, we were in dire need of a GOOD (yes, in capital letters) lunch. The cab driver didn't come up with any helpful suggestions until we got the brain wave of telling him to take us to where the "foreigners" go! Then off we were, a ten minute drive into the wild, passing an ancient rock painting, finally stopping at a large wrought iron gate. Walking through the gate, we realised we were on a small hill overlooking the river. We followed a tiny path through a banana plantation (of all things) and reached a suspiciously ordinary looking restaurant called the Mango Tree.

Suspicion turned to pleasant surprise as we took off our shoes and emerged into a small clearing that housed the joint. It is basically various levels of stone seating, with chatais underneath and the trees above. Your back is to the hill and you face the river and the rocky hills opposite. There is a swing in the middle, reminding you of the hundreds of movies you have seen on rural India and there is a plastic coated menu that reminds you very much of the urban India that you now inhabit. The range of food reflects the variety of clientele they get and is quite a relief for me (as to me holiday is synonymous with good food).

But this interesting, though factual, description doesn't even begin to capture the feel of the place. One can (and I did) just sit there for hours without feeling restless or compelled to move. You can eat leisurely, ordering in batches...finally ending up sipping mint tea as you look over the river (no interesting sight, though) and generally thinking about existentialism or about your pending to-do list. You can enjoy the muted conversations of other guests who dont stare at you or invade your space despite being close by. You can read peacefully and actually read without distraction, not just flip through magazines. You can enjoy the silence of the surrounding area and not miss music at all. You can put your feet up without worrying whether they are pedicured or not and you can listen to snatches of conversation that make you smile and think. You can basically take a break from life. And get served while doing so.

The "true" love?

In a recent conversation with DB, I had spoken about how all relationships are need based. That's natural. And yet, that is also the root of its downfall. I know this is idealistic, but the truest love is that which exists for its own sake. Maybe I was echoing this sonnet which I remember having read many many years ago and which I suddenly came across today.

Sonnet XIVI

f thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not sayI love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day--For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,--A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

It's been a long, long time since I sat like this in the middle of the night, trying to capture the "whoosh" of thoughts and feelings swirling through my mind and soul.

And swirl they do, faster and faster. Both at work and outside, events are reaching a crescendo that will either peak with fulfilment or crash with disappointment. Whichever happens, the impact will be significant, sending ripples through my entire being, through my entire life; setting in motion a series of thoughts and actions that will define the pattern of my life over the next few years at least. Key words - Acn, Mer, DB.

I am scared. Honest to goodness scared. I so so want things to turn out in a certain way, but the way the music is playing, it's touch and go either way. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to feel I have compromised. I dont want to regret later. But I cant afford to want any of this. Because the music plays on....and it can go either way....I can keep wanting all I want, I can be as scared as I like. The music is ruthless even when it soothes.

and the wheels turn....

Hot coffee scalds my lips as I write this. The sun is shining and the breeze tousles my hair like a friendly lover. I am ensconced comfortably on this terrace café, in a cane chair, on plump cushions, slightly dazed after a heavy meal replete with dessert. It’s three thirty in the afternoon and all I have done till now is to wake up (at the unprecedented late hour of eleven), have tea, finish my novel, get picked up by Nkj, and indulge in a heavy lunch. And there are no specific plans for the rest of the day. And this is the third day in a row when I am doing this. To repeat the word, unprecedented. To use another word, blissful.

But things are never blissful, are they? The song playing in the background – Dire Strait’s Winds of Change – is eerily reflective of what I am thinking.

The intensely painful exchange of words with K….the sudden resurgence of V followed by the even more sudden bitter reaction…the two engaging, intelligent conversations with Shankar and Hema…the escalating quantity and quality of my interaction with DD – they have all been so unexpected, leaving me breathless with a cauldron of emotions – pain, anger, confidence, hope. There’s some pattern here, and the unexpectedness is just part of it. And it makes me certain that the tide is turning, that somewhere in the realms of the underground wheels are turning towards a direction I am as yet unaware of.

I will not try to indulge in either imaginative or intellectual forecasting, because it is of no use. Several of my previous posts indicate that I have been uncomfortably aware of these winds approaching. I am equally aware of the futility of trying to anticipate what the winds will bring or where they will take me. All I have are my basic anchors – my value system, my survivor instinct, my loved ones – and I shall go along making the best of whatever is thrown my way. And when I have reached (or rather, been taken to) some sort of destination, I will record it.

Pleasure trip

Weekend reading -

> The Know it All - an explosion of thoughts and information (both pretty much useless most of the time!) delivered in a series of succint paragraphs and pages that make you rock with laughter and caustically raise your brows in an equal measure. The book is essentially the author's (he is an Esquire editor, to make it even more surreal) journey through the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (did I spell that right?) and the totally lateral thinking he indulges in while doing so. The best thing about this book is that its extremely readable but not gripping as it's not in a "story" form. Hence, its become my coffee shop book - I carry it around in my car and pick it up for reading whenever I go for my regular coffee/tea outings (as I will tonight....its raining and so peaceful)

> Diplomatic Baggage - as hilarious as the book above, but as addictive as QAF! - "where does she go next?" "what happened to her next?" - these questions have driven me to read this book every night for the past five days and hence sleep much later than usual. The book is written by an EC diplomat's wife and is an account of her travels with him. What makes it more than just "funny", are the highly compassionate approach to all situations as well as the vicarious sense of pleasure one gets through a travel book!

Weekend outings -

> Opus - after a horrendously boring alumni dinner/presentation, going to Opus was like stumbling on to an Oasis. I dont know if it was the fact that I was near boredom-death when I reached there, but the place positively sparkled this Saturday! All elements converged somehow - the grey crouds against the palm trees, the twinkling lights in the hatch roof, the DJ belting out Boney M tunes, the purrfect Mojito, the good company (H). What sets this place apart from all other Blr joints is the unpredictability of the entertainment it has to offer. At the same time, it has the that beautiful aspect to it which is common to all good places here - the complete democracy in its clientele, a complete lack of homegeneity. I saw pierced-eyebrow-youngsters next to button-down-yuppies next to long-skirt-aunties, all shaking their booty to Grease Lightning! Loved it.

Weekend movies -

> Dor - to be honest, my first reaction to this movie is "its such a radical departure from Nagesh Kukunoor's style, I am sure he has got someone to ghost direct it". Having said that (not that I am not a fan of his style of movies, I am), this movie is one of the most surprising in a lot of other ways too - the sheer simplicity of its storytelling (I felt I was reading a well written novel), the evocative music, the fine performances, the sheer strength of its message. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it has suitably compensated for my recent disappointments.

Thinking - pause.

The more I think, the more negative the spiral. I don’t know why that should be so…in the past, thinking has often been my route to appreciate the world around me, the people, their characters, their achievements; it been my way of imbibing the impact of the arts, of examining and evolving myself.

For the past few weeks however, thinking has led me to get morose, regretful and much worse, disillusioned and disappointed. A significant contributor to this state of mind is the games that people play, an often recurring observation through the years. Usually they arouse in me amusement and fascination – the lies that people concoct about themselves, the way they use one emotion as an excuse for another, the multiple levels at which they lead their lives, the subversive tactics they employ even on their loved ones to get what they want, the twist that conventional philosophies are given to justify their own lies (e.g.” life is short so live it fully”, translated to “I will do whatever I want, at whatever cost, because life is short and I want to live it fully”!!!). But this amusement/fascination was probably the reaction from my arrogant ivory tower, which was earlier peopled with those I had carefully filtered, sifted through and developed as “close ones” who I “liked and respected”. Thanks to my changing behavior patterns over the years, today my circle is not just about these people…others are now directly touching my life too. And so do their games. And the snob that I am, it irks me, never mind that it’s my own doing.

So today I am caught somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to be cynical – that’s not me, and that’s not where I want to go either. But I don’t dare hope, because that hope is invariably crushed by disappointment.

Switching off is not a solution. As I have seen earlier, switching off did eliminate some of these negatives from my life but affected the positives too. And that’s a risk I am just not willing to take…life is too short and too unpredictable to take these positives for granted. (in positives, I include my relationships that are my anchor as well as my own essence, which is growth oriented and positive)

So what I probably need to do is some reverse filtering. It won’t be very painful because, quite logically, as the breadth of my acquaintance has widened, the depth has decreased. But it will be highly inconvenient, because I would need to give up on a way of life – actions, events, interactions – which I had enjoyed and gotten used to. It will also be cumbersome, taking up effort and mind space during a period when I need my energies and focus more than ever. But it’s something that I need to do, so I will do it.

Back on...

Yes its been ten days since I returned from Delhi and I have not yet been able to post anything. Writing even in its most superfluous forms is demanding and one of its foremost demands is for you to open your mind, if not your heart, to the power of the pen. And that’s something that I could not bring myself to. Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel so strongly that something burnt inside; I didn’t want to think so hard that all energy got sapped out of me. I didn’t want to look at areas I was already uncomfortably familiar with and I didn’t want to visit places that I knew didn’t agree with me.

In some strange, ironic way, I seem to have found that release today, 20th Sep, exactly a year from that day. Maybe it’s some perverse sub conscious way of paying homage to the person whose company made me feel comfortable and secure and free. Or maybe it’s because daily affairs have consumed me to such an extent that anything deeper doesn’t seem to matter anymore. But the end result is that I am at least writing again.

I just saw Bas Ek Pal, a movie I had been looking forward to as its director had previously made My Brother Nikhil, one of my all time favorites. I was quite disappointed but I would not like to blame my high expectations for that. Despite an extremely interesting storyline and good performers, the director was just not able to craft it all together into an engaging movie.

But I also realize that, as a very rare occurrence, my current state of mind and mood has also influenced my reaction to the movie. To be very honest, as I grapple with my grief and anger and regret and loss, and the knowledge that I have been grappling with these and will continue to do so for a long time, I find myself more and more unable to bear the cast of loser characters in the movie. I realize it’s an unfair comparison and I will probably change my mind tomorrow, but as of now, I just feel irritation at people who are not content with the pain that life throws at us anyway, and allow their weaknesses to actually create pain where none could have been allowed to exist…how stupid!!! (the reason I say this logic is unfair is because pain created from any source is still painful, and that realization is the basis for compassion)

Off the cuff, I have recently seen some other movies too which had more or less a similar set of characters – KANK, Closer, Match Point. Each movie was cynical (as opposed to compassionate) in its view of human folly, each movie touched unerringly on the inherent ruthlessness and selfishness that seems to increase in direct proportion to the weakness in our character. People use people. People just use love as an excuse to be ruthless. Love rarely exists. And when it does, it’s marred immediately by infidel or unjust acts that destroy the purity it should ideally represent.

This irritation carries over (or maybe is a carry over from) into my personal life as well. I am tired of being “balanced” in my perspective, “holistic” in my judgment, “detached” in my view…or to put it plainly - I am tired of making excuses for people. I genuinely love people and I genuinely love relationships. I want to like people wholeheartedly. And I want to respect people wholeheartedly. This is not an unrealistic expectation. It’s just tough and requires discipline and effort. But then, everything that’s worthwhile does. The easy way is for the losers anyway.

Mama

In the midst of the turbulence, the irritation, the disappointments, the exhaustion, there's one thought that seeps through my body and mind...

Your absence has gone through me
Like a thread through a needle
Everything I do
Is stitched with its color

Just cant tolerate them!!!!!!

Next time someone gives me feedback that I need to improve my tolerance levels, I shall use Naveen's response - "I cant help it if the pace of growth of stupidity is faster than my tolerance levels!"

Seriously...I am generally a nice, reasonable guy who makes (ok, has learnt to make) allowances for imperfections in people (especially since I realise that only then will they make allowances for mine!!) and tries (operative word, unfortunately) to be non judgmental when they do stuff pretty much against my...ahem...morality (ya, ya, I still have some of those)

But...and this is a big but (no pun intended at all)...I will NOT change my tolerance levels for....

> People who tell me I should increase my tolerance levels to accomodate the growing stupidity around me

> People who are genuinely genuinely dumb and make no attempt whatsoever to change that status

> Men who under their tight shirts-trendy haircuts-English speaking-urban persona continue to be staunch MCPs

> People who are clannish - religion/region/sexual orientation/career/language

> People who act very nice with/about people they thoroughly dislike (for their own perverted, often gossipy, motives)

> Parents who force children to pursue a career/marry/produce kids for "my sake"

> People who ignore or mistreat their elderly parents/relatives

> Young women (20/30) who bitch/gossip about teenage and "morality"

> People who quickly declare themselves guilty (of being selfish/weak/not realising their potential/careless etc etc) and think the matter's closed

> People who love to advise others but never extend support/help

> People who try saving on petrol in their car

> People who always, always come late

> People who say (in a very profound way) "relationships are all about give and take"...or even better, "there is a right time for doing everything in life" or similar absurdities

Cant remember any more now, will add to this list later :)

Hip hop of the mind

I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.

There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.

There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.

There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.

There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.

There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....

There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.

There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????

So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.

But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!

In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.

I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.

There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.

There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.

There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.

There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.

There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....

There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.

There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????

So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.

But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!

In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.