Next time someone gives me feedback that I need to improve my tolerance levels, I shall use Naveen's response - "I cant help it if the pace of growth of stupidity is faster than my tolerance levels!"
Seriously...I am generally a nice, reasonable guy who makes (ok, has learnt to make) allowances for imperfections in people (especially since I realise that only then will they make allowances for mine!!) and tries (operative word, unfortunately) to be non judgmental when they do stuff pretty much against my...ahem...morality (ya, ya, I still have some of those)
But...and this is a big but (no pun intended at all)...I will NOT change my tolerance levels for....
> People who tell me I should increase my tolerance levels to accomodate the growing stupidity around me
> People who are genuinely genuinely dumb and make no attempt whatsoever to change that status
> Men who under their tight shirts-trendy haircuts-English speaking-urban persona continue to be staunch MCPs
> People who are clannish - religion/region/sexual orientation/career/language
> People who act very nice with/about people they thoroughly dislike (for their own perverted, often gossipy, motives)
> Parents who force children to pursue a career/marry/produce kids for "my sake"
> People who ignore or mistreat their elderly parents/relatives
> Young women (20/30) who bitch/gossip about teenage and "morality"
> People who quickly declare themselves guilty (of being selfish/weak/not realising their potential/careless etc etc) and think the matter's closed
> People who love to advise others but never extend support/help
> People who try saving on petrol in their car
> People who always, always come late
> People who say (in a very profound way) "relationships are all about give and take"...or even better, "there is a right time for doing everything in life" or similar absurdities
Cant remember any more now, will add to this list later :)
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Hip hop of the mind
I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Switched on
I was tired, really really tired. Of what, I am not too sure. I was working long hours, sure, but had worked much harder for much longer earlier. No catastrophic events had shaken up my life recently, neither had any of the relationships become too complex. Nevertheless, I was exhausted - mentally, emotionally, physically. Instead of trying to arrive at root causes, I decided to take some time off. And this time actually translated the decision into action, at the cost of getting into the wrong books of the right people at the wrong time, i.e. the HR offsite.
Not only did I take time off, but I switched off as well, just vegetating for two days in a row, avoiding any form of art/conversation that made me think or feel...reading chick lits, watching QAF, indulging in mindless banter. The following weekend was nothing earth shattering either. People interactions ranged from polite social (H, D) to mildly complex (K) to thoroughly pleasant (U, Sau)...activities were a safe mix of shopping, salon, movies. So I remained switched off, and didnt think. Not at all.
Didnt think of the strange connection that we have with loved ones..that till date Nan just starts feeling funny and calls me/Mum up when we are not well...the episodes with Mum and Ashu....me and Ban, Amit. This connection that seems to operate at a different level that rationality finds difficult to explain and yet is not so unbelievable either.
Didnt think of the unexpected places where relationships land up. They start with some constants - your own self; some variables - the events; some assumptions - the other's personality, what he/she can do, will do. And using all this you form some sort of chart for the future, and yet deviations take you to places that could be unexpected, and not always inviting. This is happening more and more with me recently (and is probably due to the less-thought-more-passive approach that Shk pointed out today) - the emotional land mine (Lord), the emotional stability card (Sau), the sense of failure (K), the big brother perspective (A)....its happening with "older" people too...the sense of security (U), the sense of distance (L) for example. Yes, all unexpected places, leaving me amused at myself for thinking I am smarter and trying to hit moving targets. Also leaving me a little wide eyed as I wonder about the mysterious routes charted despite our best intentions...maybe God is ensuring our health by ensuring we DONT get what we want?
Didnt think of the sudden blurs surrounding my life, the several loose ends that currently sway loosely in the wind, while I watch and think that I must hold them tight and yet my hand doesnt move. Life, roles, career...and the numerous small activities that must add up to these larger decisions...conversations with boss, sending CVs, closing certs issue, talking to colleges...all hanging. Maybe I need this time off to get my energy back to do such stuff.
Nope. Didnt think at all. Just switched off.
Not only did I take time off, but I switched off as well, just vegetating for two days in a row, avoiding any form of art/conversation that made me think or feel...reading chick lits, watching QAF, indulging in mindless banter. The following weekend was nothing earth shattering either. People interactions ranged from polite social (H, D) to mildly complex (K) to thoroughly pleasant (U, Sau)...activities were a safe mix of shopping, salon, movies. So I remained switched off, and didnt think. Not at all.
Didnt think of the strange connection that we have with loved ones..that till date Nan just starts feeling funny and calls me/Mum up when we are not well...the episodes with Mum and Ashu....me and Ban, Amit. This connection that seems to operate at a different level that rationality finds difficult to explain and yet is not so unbelievable either.
Didnt think of the unexpected places where relationships land up. They start with some constants - your own self; some variables - the events; some assumptions - the other's personality, what he/she can do, will do. And using all this you form some sort of chart for the future, and yet deviations take you to places that could be unexpected, and not always inviting. This is happening more and more with me recently (and is probably due to the less-thought-more-passive approach that Shk pointed out today) - the emotional land mine (Lord), the emotional stability card (Sau), the sense of failure (K), the big brother perspective (A)....its happening with "older" people too...the sense of security (U), the sense of distance (L) for example. Yes, all unexpected places, leaving me amused at myself for thinking I am smarter and trying to hit moving targets. Also leaving me a little wide eyed as I wonder about the mysterious routes charted despite our best intentions...maybe God is ensuring our health by ensuring we DONT get what we want?
Didnt think of the sudden blurs surrounding my life, the several loose ends that currently sway loosely in the wind, while I watch and think that I must hold them tight and yet my hand doesnt move. Life, roles, career...and the numerous small activities that must add up to these larger decisions...conversations with boss, sending CVs, closing certs issue, talking to colleges...all hanging. Maybe I need this time off to get my energy back to do such stuff.
Nope. Didnt think at all. Just switched off.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Budday
I am struggling to keep awake as I write this. I am not even sure why I am writing this, considering that I have no concrete or comprehensive thoughts or feelings to record. Or maybe that's why I am here...trying to peer through the blur that has surrounded this day and make firmer shapes of the softer thoughts and memories that have clouded my mind.....what did I do today?
I felt the same sadness that has become a part of me for the past year or so. Despite control, despite catharsis, it continues to be alive, sending out painful feelers every few moments/days in the most unexpected times. Like today.
I got irritated at myself for getting irritated with things in people that I knew would irritate me but I had thought I had steeled myself against in advance. (Yes, that sentence does make sense to me)
I just dissolved into tears everytime someone said or did something sweet. A had "happy birthday sudeep" on all his chat ids...LC spoke to me about how she has seen me grow and evolve...D handed me a jacket and apologised for the time 2 years when he had tried to find me a suede jacket in China (which I had been looking for)but couldn't...Unni called twice, trying to create touch where none had existed for months...Mum sent a card that had the simplest, nicest words on it...
I vaguely felt that I should look at my resolutions for the year and figure out where I stand...and then I realised that that may not be such a good picture, so may as well let it be...but the seed had been planted and I thought about it and thought a little more...
I wore a bright pink shirt with striped grey trousers and a crisp smile that got me compliments of a nature I am certainly not used to.
I answered a lot more calls today than I remember doing last year (The day started with a conversation with Ank, ended with Sej. What a contrast!). So I guess the resolution of having lesser people in my life has not really worked out. However, I did restrain on going out. Last year I had met 6 different people. Today I went for a quiet dinner with D. Naturally the view for the next week doesn't look good.
So anyway, why am I making a big deal of this? It was a blurred day, it was a blurred day. BFD.
But. I dont like blurs. Unfortunate experience tells me blurs are usually our way of cutting out pain or avoiding decisive reality. Since there is no reason why I should feeling too much pain, I can only imagine the latter objective. In that case, I am determined to pierce out the exact thoughts that are lurking in this fog and face whatever I have to face, even if it is the harshest of realities. Bloody hell, my mind is trying to play games with me...doesn't it know what I made of!!!!
I felt the same sadness that has become a part of me for the past year or so. Despite control, despite catharsis, it continues to be alive, sending out painful feelers every few moments/days in the most unexpected times. Like today.
I got irritated at myself for getting irritated with things in people that I knew would irritate me but I had thought I had steeled myself against in advance. (Yes, that sentence does make sense to me)
I just dissolved into tears everytime someone said or did something sweet. A had "happy birthday sudeep" on all his chat ids...LC spoke to me about how she has seen me grow and evolve...D handed me a jacket and apologised for the time 2 years when he had tried to find me a suede jacket in China (which I had been looking for)but couldn't...Unni called twice, trying to create touch where none had existed for months...Mum sent a card that had the simplest, nicest words on it...
I vaguely felt that I should look at my resolutions for the year and figure out where I stand...and then I realised that that may not be such a good picture, so may as well let it be...but the seed had been planted and I thought about it and thought a little more...
I wore a bright pink shirt with striped grey trousers and a crisp smile that got me compliments of a nature I am certainly not used to.
I answered a lot more calls today than I remember doing last year (The day started with a conversation with Ank, ended with Sej. What a contrast!). So I guess the resolution of having lesser people in my life has not really worked out. However, I did restrain on going out. Last year I had met 6 different people. Today I went for a quiet dinner with D. Naturally the view for the next week doesn't look good.
So anyway, why am I making a big deal of this? It was a blurred day, it was a blurred day. BFD.
But. I dont like blurs. Unfortunate experience tells me blurs are usually our way of cutting out pain or avoiding decisive reality. Since there is no reason why I should feeling too much pain, I can only imagine the latter objective. In that case, I am determined to pierce out the exact thoughts that are lurking in this fog and face whatever I have to face, even if it is the harshest of realities. Bloody hell, my mind is trying to play games with me...doesn't it know what I made of!!!!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Lines on the face and shadows in the eyes
What a pyschedelic contrast the days can be when compared to one another...the dull grey of Saturday turned into a bright blue by evening. Sunday was a mellow pink with gashes of cruel purple. The purple fused into a brown on Monday that turned muddier in the evening. But the mud started glistening and turned into a strikingly cheerful yellow the entire Tuesday and like fools, I forgot that yellow's partner for maximum impact is - black. Remembered that useful fact today in retrospect.
Why today? Because I lost my temper which was avoidable. Because I got into a cold rage which was unavoidable. Because I was disappointed with people which was a lesson I should have learnt by now. Because I didnt do a lot of important personal stuff that I know I will regret later. Because I am letting my thoughts move in a direction in which they shouldn't. Because I handled a situation in a way that could have been handled better. Because my yesterday's heart breaking conversation with Nan keeps coming back to me and I keep thinking that if the loved ones in my life add to me as a person, doesn't it logically mean that the loved ones I have lost - Daddy, Dpt, Ashu, Mama - have decimated my life as well?
Why today? Because I lost my temper which was avoidable. Because I got into a cold rage which was unavoidable. Because I was disappointed with people which was a lesson I should have learnt by now. Because I didnt do a lot of important personal stuff that I know I will regret later. Because I am letting my thoughts move in a direction in which they shouldn't. Because I handled a situation in a way that could have been handled better. Because my yesterday's heart breaking conversation with Nan keeps coming back to me and I keep thinking that if the loved ones in my life add to me as a person, doesn't it logically mean that the loved ones I have lost - Daddy, Dpt, Ashu, Mama - have decimated my life as well?
Sunday, August 13, 2006
One emotion at a time?
I just saw Kank and am writing this late at night. Not because I am profoundly affected by the movie - no, I can always trust Karan Johar to ensure that despite a potentially moving storyline and highly competent actors, there will be a sheen of plastic on everything - but because, despite its inability to touch the heart, it does provoke thought with some extremely potent situations, scenes and dialogues.
If I try to capture all the thoughts it provoked, I will probably get tired and stop mid way, considering that it's a three hours plus movie! More importantly, the thoughts are so linked with each other, that I will probably get lost if I try to untangle them. So I will keep aside several interesting lines of thought for now - the loneliness of friendless hearts; the comfort of money in tough times; the sheer siliness of people who get into something without thinking it through; the instinctive intelligence of elders - and focus on the most obvious aspect - the characters and motivations of the leads, SRK and Rani, who are unfaithful to their spouses.
No act has one single emotion behind it. Not even two, I would argue. Multiple is usually the case. But one or two of those emotions are usually the trigger or the driver of the act. Amongst the rabble of emotions that SRK and Rani feel (or rather, appear to feel), which of those really drive them?
In softer moments, I would say - romance and a bit of madness (for our poets have taught us that they go together). They are stuck in marriages that they dont want, their relationships are degenerating by the day...they meet, they connect, they fall in love, they go through pain. One accepts that what they did was wrong, but somehow inevitable as well. And who can resist the lure of true love. These thoughts are picked up well by the movie itself, that crafts a sufiana feel to their romance, amidst a New York that encourages it.
Thankfully, the movie has its harsher moments, as do I. Its not important to look at the "what" to understand something, but instead ask the "why". Why are they in marriages where there wasn't love to start with? Why are they getting bitter and angry with their spouses (who, by the way, actually love them)? Why don't they recognise the connection at the start itself and deal with it? Why do they pretend as if the other needs them instead of admitting that they need the other? Why dont they stop when they feel they are doing something wrong? Why are they always upset and dissatisfied - when they were married, when they were having an affair, when they got divorced? There are plenty of more "whys" but the answer's pretty clear - weakness. No, I would not count stupidity or selfishness or roving eyes as the prime emotion. It all boils down to the way you deal with situations in your life, and if you respond weakly, you just wreak havoc, in your and everyone else's lives.
These characters seemed to have done just that - responded weakly to conflict ior pain ridden situations that really required frankness and self awareness and communication and decision. When they got married, when they went through a disaster, when the spouse grew distant, when they started a secret relationship...basically, all through.
In this weakness, I believe, lies the root of all other evils that afflicts them helplessly. For they are helpless as they watch their inner weakness drive them to be untrue, to be cruel, to be self absorbed. And unless they are highly unintelligent, they will watch, sooner or later. This destruction of self must be as obvious to them as it is to any other rational person. And this self image is the price they pay for the lack of strength, the lack of courage.
And this is where I find my stand somewhere between the soft and the harsh. I dont feel for the emptiness in their lives that drove them outside commitment; neither do I look down upon them for the selfishness and cruelty they display. I just feel compassion and sadness for this price they pay - the blow to the most precious of commodities, self respect.
If I try to capture all the thoughts it provoked, I will probably get tired and stop mid way, considering that it's a three hours plus movie! More importantly, the thoughts are so linked with each other, that I will probably get lost if I try to untangle them. So I will keep aside several interesting lines of thought for now - the loneliness of friendless hearts; the comfort of money in tough times; the sheer siliness of people who get into something without thinking it through; the instinctive intelligence of elders - and focus on the most obvious aspect - the characters and motivations of the leads, SRK and Rani, who are unfaithful to their spouses.
No act has one single emotion behind it. Not even two, I would argue. Multiple is usually the case. But one or two of those emotions are usually the trigger or the driver of the act. Amongst the rabble of emotions that SRK and Rani feel (or rather, appear to feel), which of those really drive them?
In softer moments, I would say - romance and a bit of madness (for our poets have taught us that they go together). They are stuck in marriages that they dont want, their relationships are degenerating by the day...they meet, they connect, they fall in love, they go through pain. One accepts that what they did was wrong, but somehow inevitable as well. And who can resist the lure of true love. These thoughts are picked up well by the movie itself, that crafts a sufiana feel to their romance, amidst a New York that encourages it.
Thankfully, the movie has its harsher moments, as do I. Its not important to look at the "what" to understand something, but instead ask the "why". Why are they in marriages where there wasn't love to start with? Why are they getting bitter and angry with their spouses (who, by the way, actually love them)? Why don't they recognise the connection at the start itself and deal with it? Why do they pretend as if the other needs them instead of admitting that they need the other? Why dont they stop when they feel they are doing something wrong? Why are they always upset and dissatisfied - when they were married, when they were having an affair, when they got divorced? There are plenty of more "whys" but the answer's pretty clear - weakness. No, I would not count stupidity or selfishness or roving eyes as the prime emotion. It all boils down to the way you deal with situations in your life, and if you respond weakly, you just wreak havoc, in your and everyone else's lives.
These characters seemed to have done just that - responded weakly to conflict ior pain ridden situations that really required frankness and self awareness and communication and decision. When they got married, when they went through a disaster, when the spouse grew distant, when they started a secret relationship...basically, all through.
In this weakness, I believe, lies the root of all other evils that afflicts them helplessly. For they are helpless as they watch their inner weakness drive them to be untrue, to be cruel, to be self absorbed. And unless they are highly unintelligent, they will watch, sooner or later. This destruction of self must be as obvious to them as it is to any other rational person. And this self image is the price they pay for the lack of strength, the lack of courage.
And this is where I find my stand somewhere between the soft and the harsh. I dont feel for the emptiness in their lives that drove them outside commitment; neither do I look down upon them for the selfishness and cruelty they display. I just feel compassion and sadness for this price they pay - the blow to the most precious of commodities, self respect.
And yes, who can really avoid falling in love? To me, thats the biggest change this symbolises in me...from the black & white approach I used to have earlier, I am now in that grey zone. The heart wants what the heart wants. No force on earth can fight it.
Othello and related thoughts
Othello seems to be the flavor of the season and I certainly cannot escape it.
Saw Omkara two weeks ago - its one of those movies which I may not like so much, but one that will stay in my mind for a long, long time.
I dont like it so much because of its uneven pace and because of the inevitable comparisons with Maqbool that had a subtlety about it which I enjoyed more than the in-your-face rawness of Omkara.
However, I admire the movie - unlike arty cinema, the rawness is not put on and just sucks you in naturally. There is also a tremendous, nearly sexual, energy in the movie. It's the most thrilling climax I have seen in a long long time (the last time I sat riveted in my chair like this was in Matrix, I think) and the performances - both the extroverted and the quiet - are effective.
Last evening, I went for the play Othello. Expecting the standard tragedy, I was pleasantly surprised to realise that there was quite an unusual plot - during the making of the play Othello, the story of Othello gets enacted by the cast's own personalities and personal lives. The plot could have backfired had it not been supported by a cast of fabulous professionals (even to my untrained eyes) who brought out nuances that a movie just can not.
Related thoughts - (considering that all art is essentially about discovery)
> I am not sure where my liking for darker, more complex stories started or stems from. I just know that I like them. However, such stories are the easiest to go wrong with. Example, Dangerous Liaisons which is brilliant and its remake - Cruel Intentions - which is trash.
> I know one thing for sure - I continue to be turned on by talent and intelligence (they usually go together) rather than by looks and charm.
> Beauty is often found in the most unexpected of places. The harsh landscapes of UP, the pained lines on a man's face - both can be incredibly alluring
Saw Omkara two weeks ago - its one of those movies which I may not like so much, but one that will stay in my mind for a long, long time.
I dont like it so much because of its uneven pace and because of the inevitable comparisons with Maqbool that had a subtlety about it which I enjoyed more than the in-your-face rawness of Omkara.
However, I admire the movie - unlike arty cinema, the rawness is not put on and just sucks you in naturally. There is also a tremendous, nearly sexual, energy in the movie. It's the most thrilling climax I have seen in a long long time (the last time I sat riveted in my chair like this was in Matrix, I think) and the performances - both the extroverted and the quiet - are effective.
Last evening, I went for the play Othello. Expecting the standard tragedy, I was pleasantly surprised to realise that there was quite an unusual plot - during the making of the play Othello, the story of Othello gets enacted by the cast's own personalities and personal lives. The plot could have backfired had it not been supported by a cast of fabulous professionals (even to my untrained eyes) who brought out nuances that a movie just can not.
Related thoughts - (considering that all art is essentially about discovery)
> I am not sure where my liking for darker, more complex stories started or stems from. I just know that I like them. However, such stories are the easiest to go wrong with. Example, Dangerous Liaisons which is brilliant and its remake - Cruel Intentions - which is trash.
> I know one thing for sure - I continue to be turned on by talent and intelligence (they usually go together) rather than by looks and charm.
> Beauty is often found in the most unexpected of places. The harsh landscapes of UP, the pained lines on a man's face - both can be incredibly alluring
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Always a stranger to me...
Sex.
Money (linked to career)
Obligations.
The order of priority differs depending on gender, social conditioning, circumstance and individual aspirations. But these three are what occupies the mindspace of most people most of the time. And hence, relationships which fall into these three categories are the ones which get maximum attention as well. And the ones which dont, dont. Simple.
But not so simple for me. Because I ignore these three categories most of the time and focus my attention on people, on the connection to the core, rather than the external linkages. And thus prioritise accordingly as well.
Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I am always, always, always, on a tangent with the rest of the world.
Once in a while, I have met people who are also aligned to this. Its happened seldom, but when it did, I felt....vindicated? happy? Nope. I felt nothing. Because its not as if this is a conscious effort on my path to be different. Its just me. And I dont feel particularly upset or proud or tormented or wonderful to be like this. Its just me.
So why do I still seek the someone who's aligned to me? Because I do have one thing in common with everyone else. The need for resonance. And the comfort it brings.
Money (linked to career)
Obligations.
The order of priority differs depending on gender, social conditioning, circumstance and individual aspirations. But these three are what occupies the mindspace of most people most of the time. And hence, relationships which fall into these three categories are the ones which get maximum attention as well. And the ones which dont, dont. Simple.
But not so simple for me. Because I ignore these three categories most of the time and focus my attention on people, on the connection to the core, rather than the external linkages. And thus prioritise accordingly as well.
Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I am always, always, always, on a tangent with the rest of the world.
Once in a while, I have met people who are also aligned to this. Its happened seldom, but when it did, I felt....vindicated? happy? Nope. I felt nothing. Because its not as if this is a conscious effort on my path to be different. Its just me. And I dont feel particularly upset or proud or tormented or wonderful to be like this. Its just me.
So why do I still seek the someone who's aligned to me? Because I do have one thing in common with everyone else. The need for resonance. And the comfort it brings.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
where do i go?
The incident on Monday with Ven n Nav shook me up completely. I can argue with myself that I am over reacting to a relatively not-so-big ussue or that it wasnt unexpected knowing the history, but the point is not about the incident or about them.
The point is, quite simply, about me. My focus on relationships, my emphasis on trust, my reliance on people, my role in others' lives.
And they are not isolated incidents or feelings - the anger at the unexpected betrayal, the stress due to incompetent professionals at work, the pain at seeing Mum off and knowing she's not with me for another few months. They are all part of the same story within one week, giving rise to questions that force me out of my comfort (blind?) zone every few months or so. Most of these questions are repeated and I have recorded several of them in various notes/tapes/posts over the past decade.
Why does my locus of control continue to be heavily external, despite me being my own best friend? Have I really come a long way from where I was a few years ago or have I just convinced myself I have? How much is the gap between what I feel and what I think I feel and what I want others to think I feel and what I show I feel? For how many people am I a "compartment", a part of the convenient slotting that I find so abhorrent? What's more me - to retreat when in pain or to confront?
Mum believes that I dont share myself with anyone, but I just want to cry and ask - what do I share when I have nothing to give? why should I share when I know there's pain at the end of the road? how should I share when I cant even trust? who should i share with, knowing that hardly anyone really cares or understands?
I sit in the early morning chill and express these questions and thoughts that revolve in my head, knowing that there are no answers, at least not definitive ones. Knowing that I will soon be immersed in a maelstrom of activity at work and outside. Knowing that the sharpness of this internal typhoon will get dulled with the bombardment of action. Knowing that a few days later, I will be in the flow again, and will maybe come back to this post to figure out what exactly it was that was killing me a week ago.
Until next time.
The point is, quite simply, about me. My focus on relationships, my emphasis on trust, my reliance on people, my role in others' lives.
And they are not isolated incidents or feelings - the anger at the unexpected betrayal, the stress due to incompetent professionals at work, the pain at seeing Mum off and knowing she's not with me for another few months. They are all part of the same story within one week, giving rise to questions that force me out of my comfort (blind?) zone every few months or so. Most of these questions are repeated and I have recorded several of them in various notes/tapes/posts over the past decade.
Why does my locus of control continue to be heavily external, despite me being my own best friend? Have I really come a long way from where I was a few years ago or have I just convinced myself I have? How much is the gap between what I feel and what I think I feel and what I want others to think I feel and what I show I feel? For how many people am I a "compartment", a part of the convenient slotting that I find so abhorrent? What's more me - to retreat when in pain or to confront?
Mum believes that I dont share myself with anyone, but I just want to cry and ask - what do I share when I have nothing to give? why should I share when I know there's pain at the end of the road? how should I share when I cant even trust? who should i share with, knowing that hardly anyone really cares or understands?
I sit in the early morning chill and express these questions and thoughts that revolve in my head, knowing that there are no answers, at least not definitive ones. Knowing that I will soon be immersed in a maelstrom of activity at work and outside. Knowing that the sharpness of this internal typhoon will get dulled with the bombardment of action. Knowing that a few days later, I will be in the flow again, and will maybe come back to this post to figure out what exactly it was that was killing me a week ago.
Until next time.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Romance movies
I saw the Lake House today...I had somehow been drawn to it after watching a trailer and for once, the movie turned out to be better than promised. It helped that I saw it with N.
At the surface, it had a lot of elements which I may not find agreeable...a slightly confusing plot line, Sandra Bullock and a tender background music score. Yet the characters were endearing and the connection between them astonishingly real and natural. It was a well made movie - flowed well, and had good performances - and became a lovely movie by the way it made you smile and gasp at the right places. Like all lovely movies, it was a little sad at times. Like all lovely movies, it made you look inward and feel and think about yourself and your actions and your motives. It also kind of made me believe (at least while the movie lasted) in love and its purity and its madness and its power, the kind I once thought possible.
Though I have seen plenty (many!) so called romantic movies through the years, there are very few that have genuinely touched me. Off the cuff, I remember the following -
The French Lieutenant's Woman - the madness of love, tinged with a sense of doom and enoblement at the same time....
Before Sunrise/Sunset - the chemistry, the connection, no context, no needs
When Harry Met Sally - the growth/change in relatioships...the synonym for love - comfort.
Love and Death on Long Island - the sweetness and pain and intimacy and longing of the ones who loves
Brokeback Mountain - the sudden-ness of it all, the denial, the quiet pain, the devotion
Roman Holiday - the lightness of first love, the exploration, the wonder.
I hope I can remember the others and make a good list.
At the surface, it had a lot of elements which I may not find agreeable...a slightly confusing plot line, Sandra Bullock and a tender background music score. Yet the characters were endearing and the connection between them astonishingly real and natural. It was a well made movie - flowed well, and had good performances - and became a lovely movie by the way it made you smile and gasp at the right places. Like all lovely movies, it was a little sad at times. Like all lovely movies, it made you look inward and feel and think about yourself and your actions and your motives. It also kind of made me believe (at least while the movie lasted) in love and its purity and its madness and its power, the kind I once thought possible.
Though I have seen plenty (many!) so called romantic movies through the years, there are very few that have genuinely touched me. Off the cuff, I remember the following -
The French Lieutenant's Woman - the madness of love, tinged with a sense of doom and enoblement at the same time....
Before Sunrise/Sunset - the chemistry, the connection, no context, no needs
When Harry Met Sally - the growth/change in relatioships...the synonym for love - comfort.
Love and Death on Long Island - the sweetness and pain and intimacy and longing of the ones who loves
Brokeback Mountain - the sudden-ness of it all, the denial, the quiet pain, the devotion
Roman Holiday - the lightness of first love, the exploration, the wonder.
I hope I can remember the others and make a good list.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Collection
Its been quite some time since I posted, and there are several reasons for that; the main one probably being that when I have a lot to think about, I either vent it out furiously in a flow of language that mirrors the madness/excitement/maelstrom within, or go to the other extreme and just retreat until I collect the thoughts, bring some coherence and calmness into myself and then sort them out one by one.
The past few weeks have seen a lot of activity and interactions and decisions and steps on nearly all fronts - family visiting, conversations with close ones, deliberations with colleagues, role discussions, frenetic work pace. But contrary to standard belief, this hasn't meant that I have gone into switch off mode...instead, all the activity heightened my senses and enabled a flow of thought and emotion of a level I haven't experienced for quite some time.
So what have I been thinking of...?
Of changes to our personality, brought about by the gradual, consistent, insistent beating of waves against the surface, until we give in. And look at each other with surprise, regret, resigned acceptance tinged with a little shame.
Of role reversals. Of the child becoming the mother. Of the self consciousness of the child when doing so, against the natural instincts which the mother once had.
Of moving to another, higher level. Of taking a thought through, structured, well aimed leap. Of letting go of ropes that tie me down with the purpose of inhibiting me, and holding on to those that equip me to jump higher without letting go of the roots.
Of the unusual, inexplicable nature of true relationships and connections that defy classifications (in fact, I would say that classification is a defamation of sorts) to bring out the best in two people who are joined not by blood/worldly ties/proximity/common interests/romance/sex but by just their souls.
Of new "friends" and old anchors. Of thinking of one with sudden, inexplicable bitterness and thinking of the other with sudden, painful longing.
Of the self indulgent nature of emotional and intellectual dissections that after a point cease to be a decision making tool (as meant to be) and become a reason for delaying action.
Of the humbling companionship of better people, reminding us of what we want to be, should be, could be. Of how we often run away from such companionship because it makes us face a reality we would rather ignore.
Of the strange nature of my needs/wants. I know what I need, and I go all out to get it and acknowledge it when I dont. But I rarely know what I want, or rather ignore what I want. And thus my life runs in a tangent to the rest of the people around me, because everyone is so clued in to what they want, and never to what they need. Its dangerous sometimes. Mostly its convenient and makes me feel centered. The accompanying loneliness is a small price to pay.
Of living life in cliches that probably became cliches because they were so relevant. In my case, its my desire to live life as a journey and not a destination. Maybe its my way of justifying a lot of things, but this cliche allows me to be quite happy today. And that means a lot to me.
The past few weeks have seen a lot of activity and interactions and decisions and steps on nearly all fronts - family visiting, conversations with close ones, deliberations with colleagues, role discussions, frenetic work pace. But contrary to standard belief, this hasn't meant that I have gone into switch off mode...instead, all the activity heightened my senses and enabled a flow of thought and emotion of a level I haven't experienced for quite some time.
So what have I been thinking of...?
Of changes to our personality, brought about by the gradual, consistent, insistent beating of waves against the surface, until we give in. And look at each other with surprise, regret, resigned acceptance tinged with a little shame.
Of role reversals. Of the child becoming the mother. Of the self consciousness of the child when doing so, against the natural instincts which the mother once had.
Of moving to another, higher level. Of taking a thought through, structured, well aimed leap. Of letting go of ropes that tie me down with the purpose of inhibiting me, and holding on to those that equip me to jump higher without letting go of the roots.
Of the unusual, inexplicable nature of true relationships and connections that defy classifications (in fact, I would say that classification is a defamation of sorts) to bring out the best in two people who are joined not by blood/worldly ties/proximity/common interests/romance/sex but by just their souls.
Of new "friends" and old anchors. Of thinking of one with sudden, inexplicable bitterness and thinking of the other with sudden, painful longing.
Of the self indulgent nature of emotional and intellectual dissections that after a point cease to be a decision making tool (as meant to be) and become a reason for delaying action.
Of the humbling companionship of better people, reminding us of what we want to be, should be, could be. Of how we often run away from such companionship because it makes us face a reality we would rather ignore.
Of the strange nature of my needs/wants. I know what I need, and I go all out to get it and acknowledge it when I dont. But I rarely know what I want, or rather ignore what I want. And thus my life runs in a tangent to the rest of the people around me, because everyone is so clued in to what they want, and never to what they need. Its dangerous sometimes. Mostly its convenient and makes me feel centered. The accompanying loneliness is a small price to pay.
Of living life in cliches that probably became cliches because they were so relevant. In my case, its my desire to live life as a journey and not a destination. Maybe its my way of justifying a lot of things, but this cliche allows me to be quite happy today. And that means a lot to me.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
The mirror has many faces
D says Artemis Fowl reminds him of me. Since I take that as a compliment, I desist from probing further :)
Other real/fictitious characters I have been compared to...
Jughead
Basanti
Karan Johar (yuck!)
Aftab (in Mast)
Dominique (from The Fountainhead)
I have no clue what the pattern is!!!!
Other real/fictitious characters I have been compared to...
Jughead
Basanti
Karan Johar (yuck!)
Aftab (in Mast)
Dominique (from The Fountainhead)
I have no clue what the pattern is!!!!
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Aaye aur gaye
We chatted, laughted, fought a bit.
We went to MOST of my fav places - Zero G (twice!), Firangi Pani, Opus, 13th Floor, Koshy's, The Only Place, Mainland China, 100 ft, The Beach, Limelite etc etc.
We saw 3 movies - one good, one bad, one decent.
We shopped till our feet pleaded for mercy and wallets were parched.
We went for 2 trips - one planned to the point of paranoia. one impromptu to the point of madness.
We had a cards party, one of the best evenings we have had for a long long time.
They came like a whirlwind (55 kilos) and left drunk n loaded (75 kilos)
P.s. thanks to D, L, Nkj, H, Sau, Sm
We went to MOST of my fav places - Zero G (twice!), Firangi Pani, Opus, 13th Floor, Koshy's, The Only Place, Mainland China, 100 ft, The Beach, Limelite etc etc.
We saw 3 movies - one good, one bad, one decent.
We shopped till our feet pleaded for mercy and wallets were parched.
We went for 2 trips - one planned to the point of paranoia. one impromptu to the point of madness.
We had a cards party, one of the best evenings we have had for a long long time.
They came like a whirlwind (55 kilos) and left drunk n loaded (75 kilos)
P.s. thanks to D, L, Nkj, H, Sau, Sm
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Retreat to the Familiar
Am reading Gone with the Wind for the nth time. Its like getting back in touch with yourself...looking back at the linkages it had with your emotional evolution at that time...feeling the same rush of excitement you did when your first read it and hence realising that you are quite the same person!! I have been devouring it like a hungry animal, yet relishing each work, sometimes even re reading paras and lines that connect with me.
Also spending time with mum. Met L. Lovely weather for the past two days.
So...am out of it. Finally. This time the roller coaster was sharper, though shorter.
But I continue to be irritated. With the two selves within me that reside in conflict, sometimes with open war, sometimes with uneasy peace.
Also spending time with mum. Met L. Lovely weather for the past two days.
So...am out of it. Finally. This time the roller coaster was sharper, though shorter.
But I continue to be irritated. With the two selves within me that reside in conflict, sometimes with open war, sometimes with uneasy peace.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
I stand for....
Touched upon a nice game yesterday with J (a new speck) on people "symbolising" certain adjectives (the nice ones).
Recollected that today with 2 fabulous, underrated songs -
"Kuch kasmein hain jawan" from Aankhen. Smooth, well picturised song with Sushmita Sen and Arjun Rampal - they symbolise "God"
"Kaal dhamaal" from Kaal. Colorful, frenetic, pulsating....SRK and Malaika Arora. They are "HOT".
Some others...
"Beautiful" - Hema Malini, Shobana, Michelle Pfeiffer
"Superstar" - Sridevi, Liz Taylor, AB
"Talented" - Naseerudin Shah, Shabana Azmi, Meryl Streep
Recollected that today with 2 fabulous, underrated songs -
"Kuch kasmein hain jawan" from Aankhen. Smooth, well picturised song with Sushmita Sen and Arjun Rampal - they symbolise "God"
"Kaal dhamaal" from Kaal. Colorful, frenetic, pulsating....SRK and Malaika Arora. They are "HOT".
Some others...
"Beautiful" - Hema Malini, Shobana, Michelle Pfeiffer
"Superstar" - Sridevi, Liz Taylor, AB
"Talented" - Naseerudin Shah, Shabana Azmi, Meryl Streep
Friday, June 16, 2006
When big things pull me down, its the little things that help me get back
Had a long chat with Nan on domestic trifles and weather differences
Unexpectedly chanced upon old favorites on radio - Jawaani Jaaneman, Ankhiyan Milaoon, Akele Hum Akele Tum
Got a delightful forward with a half remembered tune from the DD days
Started reading Gone with the Wind for the umpteenth time
Ran out in the rain, got wet, dirty, laughed.
Smiled at the sweet thing a relative stranger said to me.
Unexpectedly chanced upon old favorites on radio - Jawaani Jaaneman, Ankhiyan Milaoon, Akele Hum Akele Tum
Got a delightful forward with a half remembered tune from the DD days
Started reading Gone with the Wind for the umpteenth time
Ran out in the rain, got wet, dirty, laughed.
Smiled at the sweet thing a relative stranger said to me.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
People connect. And people slotting.
3 conversations of depth. With a boss (M, 39), new friend (F, 30), and a relatively older friend (M, 31). They ranged across the widest of personal topics imaginable - career decisions, drivers of life's principles, relationship foundations, self flagellation, self love, romance and its relevance, peace, success factors and so on. They forced me to turn myself inside out and examine crevisses of facts that look entirely different under a different light. And they turn my thoughts beyond just the content, in another direction as well....
What significance do these conversations have in my life? Its not just about the conversations, is it....its about the people connect that over time has become more and more integral to my life. As I increasingly feel cocooned, I let myself (in fact, seek to) be pushed by people out of comfort zones. People across ages, backgrounds, orientation, lifestyles, and maybe even character (though I would not like to believe that). These conversations are just mediums of connecting to life experiences....the comfort of connect, thrill of exploration, the joy of commonalities, the wonderment at the spectrums, the sly inward glances; followed always by serious thought, many questions, some conclusions, and sometimes even emotion.
This is all fine and logical, but takes me to a more disturbing place of thought - for all my stated aversion to objectifying people or getting objectifyed by people, am I tolerating subtler (and hence more dangerous) versions of the same, from others and within myself? As I look around, we seem to have started reducing even people to tick marks in a checklist. The way I react to someone who goes through the "degree/car/job/wife/washing machine/onsite assignment" list, I should probably react the same way to someone who goes through the "drinking buddy/trophy case-wife/piggy bank-husband/soul confidante-best friend/bitching colleague/bed mate - girl-boy friend" list as well! I accept that we have our needs and different elements of our life fulfil those needs, and that would include people as well. But there's a line, not a fine one but an entire fence, between letting people fill voids in our life and actually slotting them conveniently. Even the thought angers me - what sobers me is the thought that even I may end up doing this if I don't look out. And what about the ones in my life who I see doing or going towards the same, usually with others and, horror of horrors, even with me?! I think I will use my new found mantra "respond, not react" and go ahead and drive my messages over time. If the messages are taken and actioned, its a vindication that my choices in life are thinking, genuine individuals (ha ha ha ha ha!!!!). If they are not, parting may not be such sweet sorrow.
What significance do these conversations have in my life? Its not just about the conversations, is it....its about the people connect that over time has become more and more integral to my life. As I increasingly feel cocooned, I let myself (in fact, seek to) be pushed by people out of comfort zones. People across ages, backgrounds, orientation, lifestyles, and maybe even character (though I would not like to believe that). These conversations are just mediums of connecting to life experiences....the comfort of connect, thrill of exploration, the joy of commonalities, the wonderment at the spectrums, the sly inward glances; followed always by serious thought, many questions, some conclusions, and sometimes even emotion.
This is all fine and logical, but takes me to a more disturbing place of thought - for all my stated aversion to objectifying people or getting objectifyed by people, am I tolerating subtler (and hence more dangerous) versions of the same, from others and within myself? As I look around, we seem to have started reducing even people to tick marks in a checklist. The way I react to someone who goes through the "degree/car/job/wife/washing machine/onsite assignment" list, I should probably react the same way to someone who goes through the "drinking buddy/trophy case-wife/piggy bank-husband/soul confidante-best friend/bitching colleague/bed mate - girl-boy friend" list as well! I accept that we have our needs and different elements of our life fulfil those needs, and that would include people as well. But there's a line, not a fine one but an entire fence, between letting people fill voids in our life and actually slotting them conveniently. Even the thought angers me - what sobers me is the thought that even I may end up doing this if I don't look out. And what about the ones in my life who I see doing or going towards the same, usually with others and, horror of horrors, even with me?! I think I will use my new found mantra "respond, not react" and go ahead and drive my messages over time. If the messages are taken and actioned, its a vindication that my choices in life are thinking, genuine individuals (ha ha ha ha ha!!!!). If they are not, parting may not be such sweet sorrow.
Dangerous
Its time to move various elements in the direction in which I want them to go in the long term. But comfort zones do exist, and the heart is fickle, and life is unexpected. Just three hours ago, I had asked K to understand his drivers. Do I know mine? I do, but sometimes refuse to acknowledge them, for some of those drivers are things that I want, not need. And that's dangerous, because it spells destruction, for the self and others, something that I observed in so many others as they moved down this path to death without realising it. I need to move out of this danger, hence this poem, filched from the other space I inhabit. It haunts me on this seemingly lazy Sunday evening, causing me to clench my fist in some parts, causing me to cry in some other. I am not ruthless, I am just a survivor.
Out of Danger
Heart be kind and sign the release
As the trees their loss approve.
Learn as leaves must learn to fall
Out of danger, out of love.
What belongs to frost and thaw
Sullen winter will not harm.
What belongs to wind and rain
Is out of danger from the storm.
Jealous passion, cruel need
Betray the heart they feed upon.
But what belongs to earth and death
Is out of danger from the sun.
I was cruel, I was wrong -
Hard to say and hard to know.
You do not belong to me.
You are out of danger now -
Out of danger from the wind,
Out of danger from the wave,
Out of danger from the heart
Falling, falling out of love.
- James Fenton
Out of Danger
Heart be kind and sign the release
As the trees their loss approve.
Learn as leaves must learn to fall
Out of danger, out of love.
What belongs to frost and thaw
Sullen winter will not harm.
What belongs to wind and rain
Is out of danger from the storm.
Jealous passion, cruel need
Betray the heart they feed upon.
But what belongs to earth and death
Is out of danger from the sun.
I was cruel, I was wrong -
Hard to say and hard to know.
You do not belong to me.
You are out of danger now -
Out of danger from the wind,
Out of danger from the wave,
Out of danger from the heart
Falling, falling out of love.
- James Fenton
Sunday, June 04, 2006
rap on my knuckles
I sit with silence surrounding me, a cool breeze ruffling my hair. Its 12 and its the end of another weekend. No, its not been fourth time lucky, though it was close. Could have been, though. If only I had remembered that lesson I have taught myself so many times before - never end on a low. Start with a low maybe...and then build up. But never, never, end on a low.
Anyway, Artemis Fowl awaits. Soooooo much fun. Thank god for the reliable things in life.
Good night.
Anyway, Artemis Fowl awaits. Soooooo much fun. Thank god for the reliable things in life.
Good night.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
The dance of perfection
Each day is another interlude as I set out, feet tapping to whatever genre of music life has decided to play for these moments, in search of perfection.
Today's instrumentals were a little warm, breezy, a little sunny, with fluffy clouds. My first step was hesitant, but I was in good hands with K. Short, pleasant yet provoking, it was ideal for the next, longer moves. Settled into wicker chairs in front of a vista of greenery, the beats moved faster. Challenges dealt with by thought through steps; unexpected discoveries that brought sudden smiles to the face; eyes furrowed, then relaxed, then furrowed again. I dont remember what all we spoke about (life, decisions, choices, careers, organizations, culture, awakenings....) but I know I learnt a lot...about R and about myself. I needed a break. Stepping onto the sidelines, I browsed through the books on display at the Strand book sale (an old favorite haunt), allowing myself to absorb the beauty of others. But one can only remain still for so long....and appropriately, it was L who brought me back to the floor in his own quiet, comforting way. Long drive, long walk, long conversation. About me, myself. About him. Current preoccupations, past baggage, future plans. A symphony so subtle that all moves felt effortless and untiring, each step yielding more energy than it used. Before I could sink to dangerous comfort levels, it was time to switch gears. A fast drive, racy music, loud, catchy, rocking. And then back home. A last conversation, that half - expected stumble after the heady moves. Ironically, with M. Again - short, provoking, disturbing.. there's so much one can do, but there's also so much one can't.
The music's toned down a bit but continues to play in the background. Tom and Jerry provides easy amusement as I look back at my four partners for the day - with fondness, and some irritation; with a lot of love, and a little anger; with a sense of comfort, and a bit of helplessness. With a lot of gratitude - for getting me this close to perfection.
Today's instrumentals were a little warm, breezy, a little sunny, with fluffy clouds. My first step was hesitant, but I was in good hands with K. Short, pleasant yet provoking, it was ideal for the next, longer moves. Settled into wicker chairs in front of a vista of greenery, the beats moved faster. Challenges dealt with by thought through steps; unexpected discoveries that brought sudden smiles to the face; eyes furrowed, then relaxed, then furrowed again. I dont remember what all we spoke about (life, decisions, choices, careers, organizations, culture, awakenings....) but I know I learnt a lot...about R and about myself. I needed a break. Stepping onto the sidelines, I browsed through the books on display at the Strand book sale (an old favorite haunt), allowing myself to absorb the beauty of others. But one can only remain still for so long....and appropriately, it was L who brought me back to the floor in his own quiet, comforting way. Long drive, long walk, long conversation. About me, myself. About him. Current preoccupations, past baggage, future plans. A symphony so subtle that all moves felt effortless and untiring, each step yielding more energy than it used. Before I could sink to dangerous comfort levels, it was time to switch gears. A fast drive, racy music, loud, catchy, rocking. And then back home. A last conversation, that half - expected stumble after the heady moves. Ironically, with M. Again - short, provoking, disturbing.. there's so much one can do, but there's also so much one can't.
The music's toned down a bit but continues to play in the background. Tom and Jerry provides easy amusement as I look back at my four partners for the day - with fondness, and some irritation; with a lot of love, and a little anger; with a sense of comfort, and a bit of helplessness. With a lot of gratitude - for getting me this close to perfection.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
survival tactics
I got appreciated today, but I didn't feel the sense of quiet contentment (or "maybe I am not that bad") that I normally do. Just felt nothing.
So I guess I am not really on the "up" swing that I thought I was. I am probably keeping my head in the ground and being absolutely occupied to prevent too much thought or emotion seeping through the surface. Its a bit like keeping a child distracted while he's being injected. By the time he loses interest in the distraction, the pain of the injection would be dimmed and he can look at the wound again.
So I guess I am not really on the "up" swing that I thought I was. I am probably keeping my head in the ground and being absolutely occupied to prevent too much thought or emotion seeping through the surface. Its a bit like keeping a child distracted while he's being injected. By the time he loses interest in the distraction, the pain of the injection would be dimmed and he can look at the wound again.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
absolutely unrelated collection of thoughts
1. "down, down, down, down....." - I went down, down, down, down....and when I hit rock bottom in the past 2-3 weeks, I am (hopefully) back on my way up, getting back on track.
2. Never, ever thought I would actually quote Sex n the City anywhere (so much pop philosophy irritates me, unless I am the source!), but last night's episodes has 2 lines that actually hit home - "why do we let the one thing we don't have affect our perceptions of everything else we do have?" and "why do we always jump to believe the worst we hear about ourselves but never the good things?"
3. Read Tuesdays with Morrie - another first. It was more of a reaffirmation of myself - I am a survivor; and I create my own culture, precedence be damned.
4. C3G - Chemistry, Comfort, Companionship and a sense of Growth. Isn't this a fabulous beginning?? Then why does the fairy tale have to crash????
2. Never, ever thought I would actually quote Sex n the City anywhere (so much pop philosophy irritates me, unless I am the source!), but last night's episodes has 2 lines that actually hit home - "why do we let the one thing we don't have affect our perceptions of everything else we do have?" and "why do we always jump to believe the worst we hear about ourselves but never the good things?"
3. Read Tuesdays with Morrie - another first. It was more of a reaffirmation of myself - I am a survivor; and I create my own culture, precedence be damned.
4. C3G - Chemistry, Comfort, Companionship and a sense of Growth. Isn't this a fabulous beginning?? Then why does the fairy tale have to crash????
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Weather? or weather vane for my soul?
While I keep talking about the "glorious" weather and hows its not allowing me to work, this is actually not true at all.
Truly glorious weather means breezy days, partly cloudy/partly sunny, the brightness of gulmohar, the hint of smiles. Those days I feel cheerful and exuberant and most importantly, peaceful. That peace gives me the power (for want of a better word) to do anything I want - blissful vegetation or hectic socialising or even work!
Today's weather speaks glory in an entirely different way. Its the glory of grey skies that spread with deceptive calmness, hiding behind them the turmoil that gave birth to them. Its the glory of past sins and impending doom; the fury and the madness that precedes tears. This glory cajoles my soul into dancing on hot coals; it induces thought, and emotion...all somehow, inextricably, linked to pain. I cant work.
Truly glorious weather means breezy days, partly cloudy/partly sunny, the brightness of gulmohar, the hint of smiles. Those days I feel cheerful and exuberant and most importantly, peaceful. That peace gives me the power (for want of a better word) to do anything I want - blissful vegetation or hectic socialising or even work!
Today's weather speaks glory in an entirely different way. Its the glory of grey skies that spread with deceptive calmness, hiding behind them the turmoil that gave birth to them. Its the glory of past sins and impending doom; the fury and the madness that precedes tears. This glory cajoles my soul into dancing on hot coals; it induces thought, and emotion...all somehow, inextricably, linked to pain. I cant work.
Three times lucky
This is the third "nice" weekend I have had and considering the roller coaster nature of daily life, I consider that quite lucky.
The first was slow, introspective, pleasurable, painful - a bit of solitude, a bit of partying, a lot of companionship.
The second was therapeutic - silent connect with strong foundations, books, movies.
And this one was...I cant find an appropriate word and will settle for "wide ranging"!
> A wide range of movies - from Fanaa (disappointing, Kajol great, some nice moments) to Da Vinci Code (boring; the book MUST be more interesting!) to X Men 3 (high voltage drama n action - great fun!) to Vaastu Shastra (2nd viewing, only the good scenes) to The Ring (watched at 1 am, surrounded by absolute silence, loved it!!)
> A wide range of people connect - from faffing with older n newer baggage (H, K); to short encounter with the online kiddo (A); to long chat with an occasional friend (Son).
> A wide range of meals (!) - from a steak n martini quickie in a packed, pulsating restaurant; to a typical pub lunch of fish n beer at my fav fp; to a long, leisurely multiple course dinner on a candle lit courtyard with the sound of trees as background music!
Missed -
People....U, D, L. Couldn't respond - Shk, Shw, Aish. Couldn't connect - sigh.
Books....old ones left pending; growing list.
House work...glass, bed, curtains.
Hence agenda for this week and the coming weekend is decided!
The first was slow, introspective, pleasurable, painful - a bit of solitude, a bit of partying, a lot of companionship.
The second was therapeutic - silent connect with strong foundations, books, movies.
And this one was...I cant find an appropriate word and will settle for "wide ranging"!
> A wide range of movies - from Fanaa (disappointing, Kajol great, some nice moments) to Da Vinci Code (boring; the book MUST be more interesting!) to X Men 3 (high voltage drama n action - great fun!) to Vaastu Shastra (2nd viewing, only the good scenes) to The Ring (watched at 1 am, surrounded by absolute silence, loved it!!)
> A wide range of people connect - from faffing with older n newer baggage (H, K); to short encounter with the online kiddo (A); to long chat with an occasional friend (Son).
> A wide range of meals (!) - from a steak n martini quickie in a packed, pulsating restaurant; to a typical pub lunch of fish n beer at my fav fp; to a long, leisurely multiple course dinner on a candle lit courtyard with the sound of trees as background music!
Missed -
People....U, D, L. Couldn't respond - Shk, Shw, Aish. Couldn't connect - sigh.
Books....old ones left pending; growing list.
House work...glass, bed, curtains.
Hence agenda for this week and the coming weekend is decided!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
alive or just mad????
Thursday, 25 May.
I got depressed because of the blow to the pride caused by the lower ges scores. I laughed like a maniac at the crazy conversations with friends at work. I was irritated by being forced to act as PA to my team. I was intrigued by a short and unexpectedly positive conversation with someone i chatted with for the first time. I was upset by the changes in mood of a close friend. I watched helpless as a loved one struggled through his demons. I got involved in a project that actually set my grey cells working. And I got hugely embarassed (and panicky) at a stupid, stupid thing that I did.
So was I alive? Or was I mad??
I miss so many people today. I want to just chat and ramble.
I got depressed because of the blow to the pride caused by the lower ges scores. I laughed like a maniac at the crazy conversations with friends at work. I was irritated by being forced to act as PA to my team. I was intrigued by a short and unexpectedly positive conversation with someone i chatted with for the first time. I was upset by the changes in mood of a close friend. I watched helpless as a loved one struggled through his demons. I got involved in a project that actually set my grey cells working. And I got hugely embarassed (and panicky) at a stupid, stupid thing that I did.
So was I alive? Or was I mad??
I miss so many people today. I want to just chat and ramble.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Doomed by the demons
Two stories over the past few days - one real life (K n V) and one semi real (gangster) - propel me to feel the pain our demons inflict on love...and think about it.
Can we ever escape them? Or do they just become dormant after some time? Can they be overcome? As a romantic, I would like to believe that pure love supplies the strength to do so. But how many believe that? Its essentially our belief that drives us to survive. And how many recognise it? We spend our lives in relatioships with people who cannot provide (for want of a better word) us the strength and growth we need to defeat the demons; and ignore, for blinkered reasons, the ones who have the potential to.
These demons exist within us - the baggage and the history; the blinkers and the crisis of faith - and we end up becoming our worst enemy. Clutching to us what we want and driving away what we need.
This rational conclusion doesn't prevent me from feeling the pain; from crying at the pain of others; from laughing at the traps I knowingly step into; from clutching my body with the sheer effort it takes to just believe; from feeling helpless as I watch loved ones battle their demons, knowing that I have the answer but it's of no use unless they find it themselves.
Can we ever escape them? Or do they just become dormant after some time? Can they be overcome? As a romantic, I would like to believe that pure love supplies the strength to do so. But how many believe that? Its essentially our belief that drives us to survive. And how many recognise it? We spend our lives in relatioships with people who cannot provide (for want of a better word) us the strength and growth we need to defeat the demons; and ignore, for blinkered reasons, the ones who have the potential to.
These demons exist within us - the baggage and the history; the blinkers and the crisis of faith - and we end up becoming our worst enemy. Clutching to us what we want and driving away what we need.
This rational conclusion doesn't prevent me from feeling the pain; from crying at the pain of others; from laughing at the traps I knowingly step into; from clutching my body with the sheer effort it takes to just believe; from feeling helpless as I watch loved ones battle their demons, knowing that I have the answer but it's of no use unless they find it themselves.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
pennies for my thoughts?
Even though I am steadily switching off at work, professional life continues to be a medium of self exploration and discovery.
My relationships, especially with my team, were viewed in a fresh light (how hackneyed can I be!) during the two days of leading edge workshop. I realized what I was doing right and I understood what I had to do more. More importantly, I figured out where I was coming from. So many of my actions are triggered by the thought of “this happened with me, I wont let it happen to my team” and this is in consonance with my feelings in my personal life as well. In both professional and personal spheres, the worst feelings I have encountered within myself have been that of loneliness and helplessness and my determination is not to let that happen to the people whose lives I do, or can, impact.
Another realization, more saddening, is that my relationships (team) still lack the depth I would ideally like them to have. I approach this with the practicality I apply to my life as a whole – one can’t have everything, it’s all a trade off – but when I think about what I really want to be, and have the potential to be, I feel sad about it. More than anything else, it is this thought that has made me determined to change the pattern of my work content and free up time. After all the arguments I have heard from Lak and Nav (and practically ignored), I finally found the most compelling one within myself. Typical of me.
Focus moved from internal me to others in the Friday offsite meeting. For the record (not that this record is being published anywhere), that was the best meeting I have ever been part of at Accenture. Watching R in action was a learning experience like no other. His control of the subject, his control of the room, the sense of inclusion, the constant thread of humor, the underlying positivism, the presence of perspective - I wish I could have video recorded that one hour performance to watch it again and again as I struggle to recall the key messages to be internalized. The ensuing discussion along with PV and RV was thought provoking in a different way. What makes some people decimate while others grow? What triggers the drive in a person as well as the self destruct button? How much of “me” is me and how much of “me’ is others? I don’t even know whether answers exist to these questions but I do know that these questions are a must to be asked, an internal checkpoint, a sort of weather vane.
And finally, this two day trip to Chn. My first visit to this centre and I am struck anew by the thought of organizational culture. The set of behaviors and practices that, day by painstaking day, builds up into something bigger and stronger that we loosely define as culture. And how this set of behaviors and actions is dictated by a myriad of influences, from individual personalities to cultural backgrounds to the physicality of the environment. In fact, do the wide corridors and large cabins of this centre have anything to do with the mess that this deal has been in since inception? Or is it the green psychedelic carpet? Colors, auras, aromas, vastu – so many areas to be explored, so much attraction. Like a beautiful young woman hidden by a veil a la music videos.
The other aspect of this visit was me. Again. My unexpected sense of alienation when I arrived there (despite the fact that this was my own organization, there were people there who I knew and who would take care of me, and the business was the same); my ability to adjust in a fresh physical space; my sense of connect with people I was meeting (and training) for the first time; my sense of challenge at conducting conversations with fresh customers who viewed me without baggage. All observed and recorded through a constant dialogue within myself. I am afraid that one day I will meet someone who can listen to this internal dialogue. And then I am gone.
More thought provoking were two conversations with Vip n Nkj, as we exchanged notes on people around us and the effect this lifestyle was having on them. Its really unusual how work, at a root concept, is meant to provide our lives with meaning and purpose and identity and yet increasingly it seems to be doing the opposite. Irrespective of the challenges we thrive on and the money we enjoy and the authority we exert, if we end up becoming someone we don’t like, is it really worth it?? Sooner or later, I find people asking this question. Some find the answer (usually a no) and then either make deep rooted changes or go into a downward spiral. Others do a cost benefit analysis of the effort involved when answering this question and choose to ignore it and go to sleep. I wonder which is wiser?
Linked to this is the thought of the balancing we do (or rather, need to do) internally. I realize that I am only scratching the surface here but the thought of this flow of positive and negative continues to fascinate me. Every single action, every single event – our work, our conversations, our food, our outing, our silences, our activities - takes something from us and gives something back. The trick is to keep it balanced…and maybe even positive….i.e., a state where you get more from life than you are putting in! I wonder how many of us reach that stage when most of our days are spent in just minimizing the negative inflow into us.
I should have more thoughts on this front, but I am shocked at how much I have written. This is probably my longest post ever. To be ended now.
My relationships, especially with my team, were viewed in a fresh light (how hackneyed can I be!) during the two days of leading edge workshop. I realized what I was doing right and I understood what I had to do more. More importantly, I figured out where I was coming from. So many of my actions are triggered by the thought of “this happened with me, I wont let it happen to my team” and this is in consonance with my feelings in my personal life as well. In both professional and personal spheres, the worst feelings I have encountered within myself have been that of loneliness and helplessness and my determination is not to let that happen to the people whose lives I do, or can, impact.
Another realization, more saddening, is that my relationships (team) still lack the depth I would ideally like them to have. I approach this with the practicality I apply to my life as a whole – one can’t have everything, it’s all a trade off – but when I think about what I really want to be, and have the potential to be, I feel sad about it. More than anything else, it is this thought that has made me determined to change the pattern of my work content and free up time. After all the arguments I have heard from Lak and Nav (and practically ignored), I finally found the most compelling one within myself. Typical of me.
Focus moved from internal me to others in the Friday offsite meeting. For the record (not that this record is being published anywhere), that was the best meeting I have ever been part of at Accenture. Watching R in action was a learning experience like no other. His control of the subject, his control of the room, the sense of inclusion, the constant thread of humor, the underlying positivism, the presence of perspective - I wish I could have video recorded that one hour performance to watch it again and again as I struggle to recall the key messages to be internalized. The ensuing discussion along with PV and RV was thought provoking in a different way. What makes some people decimate while others grow? What triggers the drive in a person as well as the self destruct button? How much of “me” is me and how much of “me’ is others? I don’t even know whether answers exist to these questions but I do know that these questions are a must to be asked, an internal checkpoint, a sort of weather vane.
And finally, this two day trip to Chn. My first visit to this centre and I am struck anew by the thought of organizational culture. The set of behaviors and practices that, day by painstaking day, builds up into something bigger and stronger that we loosely define as culture. And how this set of behaviors and actions is dictated by a myriad of influences, from individual personalities to cultural backgrounds to the physicality of the environment. In fact, do the wide corridors and large cabins of this centre have anything to do with the mess that this deal has been in since inception? Or is it the green psychedelic carpet? Colors, auras, aromas, vastu – so many areas to be explored, so much attraction. Like a beautiful young woman hidden by a veil a la music videos.
The other aspect of this visit was me. Again. My unexpected sense of alienation when I arrived there (despite the fact that this was my own organization, there were people there who I knew and who would take care of me, and the business was the same); my ability to adjust in a fresh physical space; my sense of connect with people I was meeting (and training) for the first time; my sense of challenge at conducting conversations with fresh customers who viewed me without baggage. All observed and recorded through a constant dialogue within myself. I am afraid that one day I will meet someone who can listen to this internal dialogue. And then I am gone.
More thought provoking were two conversations with Vip n Nkj, as we exchanged notes on people around us and the effect this lifestyle was having on them. Its really unusual how work, at a root concept, is meant to provide our lives with meaning and purpose and identity and yet increasingly it seems to be doing the opposite. Irrespective of the challenges we thrive on and the money we enjoy and the authority we exert, if we end up becoming someone we don’t like, is it really worth it?? Sooner or later, I find people asking this question. Some find the answer (usually a no) and then either make deep rooted changes or go into a downward spiral. Others do a cost benefit analysis of the effort involved when answering this question and choose to ignore it and go to sleep. I wonder which is wiser?
Linked to this is the thought of the balancing we do (or rather, need to do) internally. I realize that I am only scratching the surface here but the thought of this flow of positive and negative continues to fascinate me. Every single action, every single event – our work, our conversations, our food, our outing, our silences, our activities - takes something from us and gives something back. The trick is to keep it balanced…and maybe even positive….i.e., a state where you get more from life than you are putting in! I wonder how many of us reach that stage when most of our days are spent in just minimizing the negative inflow into us.
I should have more thoughts on this front, but I am shocked at how much I have written. This is probably my longest post ever. To be ended now.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Pain, relief and hope
I type this out bleary eyed in a plane seat, occasionally staring out at the grey skies, sometimes pausing to reflect how I am imitating the very action I get irritated by in others. As recent events have taught me (again), never say never.
There are jailbait like air hostesses (guest service associates?) in tight red outfits smiling pleasantly and handing out plastic goodies. People around me are absorbing the news of the day with an attention equal in intensity to the apathy they will show when finished with the papers. And I sit here typing away badly crafted sentences. I am hungry too.
And yet this normalcy on the surface makes me laugh as I contrast it with the swirl of thoughts and emotions that’s beneath it.
I can’t and don’t really want to capture the details of the past few weeks and the events that have tired me. I knew that the days were getting heavier, that I was feeling an increasing lack of control, that balls that juggled well earlier were slipping now, that I was approaching parts of my mind that had been carefully ignored so far.
But never did I realize the extent of the pain and exhaustion that had seeped my soul until I spent the last few hours with U. The sense of relief provided by his presence indicated how much I needed it, and yet hadn’t acknowledged. In a few hours, I had accomplished what would have otherwise been a life long exercise…stripping and dissecting and digging and crying and laughing.
Give me love any day. Over romance, over excitement, over sex, over adoration, over fun, over all these elements that provide us momentary relief as we struggle through our daily lives. Give me love – the purity, the security, the kindness – any day.
It has given me the strength to look at reality and wonder at the people who have dominated my mindspace for the past few days. And I smile to myself. It’s a smile of amusement, and sometimes of sadness. I remember fights, I remember animated conversations, I remember the chemistry, I remember the silences. With K, a recent whirlwind. With L, an old anchor. With Sm, a new presence.
I wonder what the future holds for me. With U’s decision, it’s actually a turning point in my life as well. I know that I have been moving towards this point for the past two years and I am mentally prepared for it. Coinciding as it does with other (equally emotional) events set in motion by M, I have a feeling this portends a far deeper, more significant shift in mindset, approach, behavior and lifestyle than even I expected. But I am prepared. In a way, the exhaustion of the soul over the past few weeks is welcome. It’s made me stronger.
I hope.
There are jailbait like air hostesses (guest service associates?) in tight red outfits smiling pleasantly and handing out plastic goodies. People around me are absorbing the news of the day with an attention equal in intensity to the apathy they will show when finished with the papers. And I sit here typing away badly crafted sentences. I am hungry too.
And yet this normalcy on the surface makes me laugh as I contrast it with the swirl of thoughts and emotions that’s beneath it.
I can’t and don’t really want to capture the details of the past few weeks and the events that have tired me. I knew that the days were getting heavier, that I was feeling an increasing lack of control, that balls that juggled well earlier were slipping now, that I was approaching parts of my mind that had been carefully ignored so far.
But never did I realize the extent of the pain and exhaustion that had seeped my soul until I spent the last few hours with U. The sense of relief provided by his presence indicated how much I needed it, and yet hadn’t acknowledged. In a few hours, I had accomplished what would have otherwise been a life long exercise…stripping and dissecting and digging and crying and laughing.
Give me love any day. Over romance, over excitement, over sex, over adoration, over fun, over all these elements that provide us momentary relief as we struggle through our daily lives. Give me love – the purity, the security, the kindness – any day.
It has given me the strength to look at reality and wonder at the people who have dominated my mindspace for the past few days. And I smile to myself. It’s a smile of amusement, and sometimes of sadness. I remember fights, I remember animated conversations, I remember the chemistry, I remember the silences. With K, a recent whirlwind. With L, an old anchor. With Sm, a new presence.
I wonder what the future holds for me. With U’s decision, it’s actually a turning point in my life as well. I know that I have been moving towards this point for the past two years and I am mentally prepared for it. Coinciding as it does with other (equally emotional) events set in motion by M, I have a feeling this portends a far deeper, more significant shift in mindset, approach, behavior and lifestyle than even I expected. But I am prepared. In a way, the exhaustion of the soul over the past few weeks is welcome. It’s made me stronger.
I hope.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Cocoon?
For a day, just for a day, I made a bargain with God. And defied the laws of nature. I stopped time. I shut out the world and welcomed the pleasure...and the pain, from within.
I removed all context and viewed only the core of the being - the "real" person. I removed blinkers and adjusted multiple realities. I ignored the signboards of the mind and acknowledged only the signals of the eyes.
It may or may not be significant. It may or may not be right. It may or may not have implications. For once, I am not inclined to think through. Questions can be kept on hold. Right now, I will come back to reality and deal with the immediate week ahead. As will others.
After all, tomorrow's another day.
I removed all context and viewed only the core of the being - the "real" person. I removed blinkers and adjusted multiple realities. I ignored the signboards of the mind and acknowledged only the signals of the eyes.
It may or may not be significant. It may or may not be right. It may or may not have implications. For once, I am not inclined to think through. Questions can be kept on hold. Right now, I will come back to reality and deal with the immediate week ahead. As will others.
After all, tomorrow's another day.
Monday, May 08, 2006
aakhir kyon??
I have no clue why I put this title...I am not wading through any existential crises neither am I submerged under the cruelties of the world. I am just in the mood to faff.
And why am I in the mood to faff?
Had a really crazy day. Had a crazy week. Am going to have a crazy fortnight. The cockroaches at work have been crawling up the skin. The loved ones are exploring their emotional demons to the fullest. The transactional issues lurk snake like beneath the surface, glittering with danger signals. The heart decides to add to the fun and drum up a storm worthy of gothic novels. The radar works...then fails...then works...then misses some signals.
Yes, I am in the mood to faff.
And why am I in the mood to faff?
Had a really crazy day. Had a crazy week. Am going to have a crazy fortnight. The cockroaches at work have been crawling up the skin. The loved ones are exploring their emotional demons to the fullest. The transactional issues lurk snake like beneath the surface, glittering with danger signals. The heart decides to add to the fun and drum up a storm worthy of gothic novels. The radar works...then fails...then works...then misses some signals.
Yes, I am in the mood to faff.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa
I would like to post about the long weekend that just passed, but there's too much to record. All I can say is that parts of it were unexpectedly turmoilish and other parts of it were unexpectedly pleasant.
I seem to have wandered unawares to a point where there are clear choices to be made - professional, personal, emotional. And most are inter linked. I could lie awake at nights thinking each option through, exploring linkages and basically constructing decision trees in my mind. Or I could pretend that I have no choices, don my blinkers until they are ripped off by circumstances. Or I could operate on a gut n luck, as described (in a deceptively simple manner) by the poem below -
A Pyshcological Tip
Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.
No - not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping
-- Piet Hein
My state of mind in the coming months shall be an indication of the effectiveness of this approach. God Bless.
I seem to have wandered unawares to a point where there are clear choices to be made - professional, personal, emotional. And most are inter linked. I could lie awake at nights thinking each option through, exploring linkages and basically constructing decision trees in my mind. Or I could pretend that I have no choices, don my blinkers until they are ripped off by circumstances. Or I could operate on a gut n luck, as described (in a deceptively simple manner) by the poem below -
A Pyshcological Tip
Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.
No - not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping
-- Piet Hein
My state of mind in the coming months shall be an indication of the effectiveness of this approach. God Bless.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Bliss?
Why does bliss always reside in an atmosphere that's not now?
In the clouds of smoke, the fury of cars, the coziness of drink, its tempting to think of a blissful day - vistas of rolling green mounted by swirls of white; a cool wind on the face, a comfortable chair. A warm drink, a book that soothes the eyes when it tires of the beauty. The sound of silence amongst the living, only the trees talk. And maybe a loved one, letting you be yourself yet making you want to be your best.
But I look back and I know that this bliss is just a tangible that I yearn for, and that I have found this bliss so many times (so many lucky times) in the most unexpected of places. Terraces cooling in the summer sun.....concrete steps of a juice outlet....the impersonal unconditional comfort of a bed....the glimpse of wet trees enhanced by the smell of the wet earth....the shimmering highway with the pulsating music....the post party sweat and the tears of the early morning...the crowds against the backdrop of mountains and dry fruits sellers...the clasped hands of a loved one....
And when I look back. I see the ghosts that walk with me to this very day. Some of them are changed, some of them only exist in memory....but they lie within me. Causing me pain, bringing me comfort; loving me, consoling me.
And yes, its been bliss. I dont need to run after vistas of my imagination because I have loved. And those vistas are a reality.
In the clouds of smoke, the fury of cars, the coziness of drink, its tempting to think of a blissful day - vistas of rolling green mounted by swirls of white; a cool wind on the face, a comfortable chair. A warm drink, a book that soothes the eyes when it tires of the beauty. The sound of silence amongst the living, only the trees talk. And maybe a loved one, letting you be yourself yet making you want to be your best.
But I look back and I know that this bliss is just a tangible that I yearn for, and that I have found this bliss so many times (so many lucky times) in the most unexpected of places. Terraces cooling in the summer sun.....concrete steps of a juice outlet....the impersonal unconditional comfort of a bed....the glimpse of wet trees enhanced by the smell of the wet earth....the shimmering highway with the pulsating music....the post party sweat and the tears of the early morning...the crowds against the backdrop of mountains and dry fruits sellers...the clasped hands of a loved one....
And when I look back. I see the ghosts that walk with me to this very day. Some of them are changed, some of them only exist in memory....but they lie within me. Causing me pain, bringing me comfort; loving me, consoling me.
And yes, its been bliss. I dont need to run after vistas of my imagination because I have loved. And those vistas are a reality.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Here n there
Too many things have come into the "fire" category now, esp due to my procrastination over the past few months....there's career - accenture or outside; roles - here n out; there's certificates; there's money - for now n later, there's health - damage control; there's relationships - old n new, at work n personal, Blr n out.
Tired. Mentally, physically. And the way things are going, I am sure pretty soon emotionally too.
Tired. Mentally, physically. And the way things are going, I am sure pretty soon emotionally too.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
where?
Uncharacteristically unclear. The space between expressed wants and quietened desires bothers me. The inertia irritates. People disappoint and excite in equal measure. Work looks grey, with specks of red that turn on and spotches of black that repulse. The relationships track is fogged out and more and more bogies grind to a halt while others speed on into low visibility territory.
Where do I go from here?
Where do I go from here?
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Parched soul
Never mind that the roads were slushed out; that traffic jams sprung up all over the city like crazed wildflowers; that the gleam of greed appeared in the eyes of the auto drivers; that my drying clothes & rug got wet and dirty; never mind that the evening plans of thousands of people got spoiled....I loved every moment of it! The rain came in sheets of blessed white, splattering and frisking and creating a dun and demanding absolute attention! As far as I am concerned, it didn't just get my attention, it got my devotion...for providing relief from the monotony of dry, cranky, grey days that had begun to even destroy the remnants of my liking for this city.
The evening rain was the icing on a lovely day. A bit of exercise, a bit of shopping, a bit of pampering and then a long drive with blasting music. A quiet evening with a cup of hot tea and an interesting book. No conversation more than 5 min. Practically alone. Peace.
The evening rain was the icing on a lovely day. A bit of exercise, a bit of shopping, a bit of pampering and then a long drive with blasting music. A quiet evening with a cup of hot tea and an interesting book. No conversation more than 5 min. Practically alone. Peace.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Fatal choices
I just read an extremely boring interview with Orlando Bloom in GQ. This judgment is partly due to my aversion to him as an actor ("you, sir, are no actor")and partly due to my aversion to the obvious meticuluous craftsmanship that went into his responses in order to project just the "right" image that he wants.
After all, being a star is more about the right marketing and positioning rather than just pure talent, and its obvious that Bloom (his second name is vastly more appropriate for him) is more than aware of that. He takes painful care to introduce the right mix of daredevilry with level headedness; the classiness of old Hollywood with the trashiness of new; the detachment of the seasoned lover with the enthusiasm of a romantic.
What is as obvious is that this craftsmanship is in play pretty much across the board in the celebrity circus and even our Indian stars are now very much into the game, sometimes powered by a PR machinery a la Ms. Rai and at other times sustaining themselves on their own steam like Ms Sen. Most of the times the objectives are achieved and this effort goes unnoticed in the avalanche of multiple communication that keeps reinforcing the messages - interviews, fanzine artciles, TV snippets etc. The effort behind the facade comes into light when it backfires, like in the case of Sanjay Dutt who carefully cultivated the living-on-the-edge image for years before the image turned into unpleasant reality prompting a sudden spurt of photographs and articles about Dutt as the doting father.
While its easy to dismiss the effort as necessary evil to maintain the fame n glory (not to mention big bucks) that these stars are used to, I often wonder at the price they need to pay for this evil. There is plenty of output already in this area so I wont dwell on it...what is interesting is that the very tension and pressure that I believe these stars live with, is something that resides within each one of us in our daily lives as well.
For what are our daily interactions but a series of conscious and subconscious communication designed to project ourselves, rather than to reveal? Each of us is painfully aware that the people around us are not interested in the truth. The truth is, after all, often complex, harsh, uncompromising and dull in appearance - all contrary to the principles we operate on. All people want is the right surface; the engine in the hood can take care of itself, at least until a breakdown. (and who wants to think about breakdowns anyway?)
This, I believe, is universal irrespective of boundaries drawn by generation/culture/socio economic background/sexual orientation and however else people normally want to identify themselves. Where these factors assert themselves is the kind of surface one wishes to acquire.
Consider, for example, an urban 27 year old man wishing to get married, preferring the convenient option of an "arranged love" marriage that is currently popular. If he enters the marriage market, how will he position himself, especially to prospective in laws? Financially secure, respectable family background, pleasant and courteous, no visible skeletons in the closet. And if he enters the dating market? Professionally successful, funny (preferably witty as well), well groomed, respectable interests, just a hint of a past. And so it becomes a long series of interactions where one can "tick the relevant box" to assess another person or "draw up a balance sheet of assets and liabilities" to assess oneself.
Its all about having the "right" appearance for whatever group you want to belong to or whatever type you want to be associated with. What you actually are is immaterial. This may sound unnecessarily dramatic, but is a highly believable point when you think about how people describe or even view their friends nowdays - "smart, funny, cute, adventurous, attractive, cool....and (most importantly) FUN" there's quite a list of adjectives up for usage. What are usually under used are adjectives of another kind - "intelligent, sensitive, strong of character, determined, kind, courageous, loving...." etc etc. I could give in to my romantic notions and argue that years/generations/decades ago, these qualities made much more of a difference than they do today, but that would be foolish. Its human nature to have fast-food companions and that's true today as much as much it was yesterday. As I said earlier, only the nature of what constitutes good fast food differs. In a Jane Austen world, it was about making good conversation on a dinner table; in a Britney Spears environment, it's about wearing the right brand of jeans and being knowing how to be calculatedly casually cool.
What toll does it take? Whether one be a celebrity or a "normal" person, the pressure and tension this exerts on you is tremendous. At least up to a while. What's even more fatal (and I use the word carefully) is how this becomes second nature to us.
Fatal or not, does an individual have any choice in this matter? One can argue that there is always a choice; but its unarguably a difficult one in cases like career, romance and marriage, where the exercise of a choice different than normal can virtually mean giving up on your dreams or at the very least, cause conflict more significant than one would even like to address.
I dont know whether I have really made a choice in this matter at all. Or rather, its a question of the multiple choices I have made. In my work life, I have more or less learnt to keep my real self under the hood and use projection effectively. In my personal life, however, I have consciously steered clear of subscribing to stereotypes, ignored precedence and done what I wanted to do. I have righteously refused to objectify myself in the markets of the flesh, or the heart, or other worldly matters. And remained steadfastly "independent". Thereby constructing a series of life events that puzzle and contradict all but a rare few who think, if not speak, the same language. Sometimes I even deliberately use the surface to amuse myself, laughing within as I say something deliberately contradictory to the image I may have carefully constructed and watch the other knit the brows in puzzlement, sometimes good humored, often just irritated.
But the laugh is harsh. And it mocks my moral self as much as anyone else. For who can truly reach the motives that drive onself? As to the fatality of one's choice, it's anybody's guess.
After all, being a star is more about the right marketing and positioning rather than just pure talent, and its obvious that Bloom (his second name is vastly more appropriate for him) is more than aware of that. He takes painful care to introduce the right mix of daredevilry with level headedness; the classiness of old Hollywood with the trashiness of new; the detachment of the seasoned lover with the enthusiasm of a romantic.
What is as obvious is that this craftsmanship is in play pretty much across the board in the celebrity circus and even our Indian stars are now very much into the game, sometimes powered by a PR machinery a la Ms. Rai and at other times sustaining themselves on their own steam like Ms Sen. Most of the times the objectives are achieved and this effort goes unnoticed in the avalanche of multiple communication that keeps reinforcing the messages - interviews, fanzine artciles, TV snippets etc. The effort behind the facade comes into light when it backfires, like in the case of Sanjay Dutt who carefully cultivated the living-on-the-edge image for years before the image turned into unpleasant reality prompting a sudden spurt of photographs and articles about Dutt as the doting father.
While its easy to dismiss the effort as necessary evil to maintain the fame n glory (not to mention big bucks) that these stars are used to, I often wonder at the price they need to pay for this evil. There is plenty of output already in this area so I wont dwell on it...what is interesting is that the very tension and pressure that I believe these stars live with, is something that resides within each one of us in our daily lives as well.
For what are our daily interactions but a series of conscious and subconscious communication designed to project ourselves, rather than to reveal? Each of us is painfully aware that the people around us are not interested in the truth. The truth is, after all, often complex, harsh, uncompromising and dull in appearance - all contrary to the principles we operate on. All people want is the right surface; the engine in the hood can take care of itself, at least until a breakdown. (and who wants to think about breakdowns anyway?)
This, I believe, is universal irrespective of boundaries drawn by generation/culture/socio economic background/sexual orientation and however else people normally want to identify themselves. Where these factors assert themselves is the kind of surface one wishes to acquire.
Consider, for example, an urban 27 year old man wishing to get married, preferring the convenient option of an "arranged love" marriage that is currently popular. If he enters the marriage market, how will he position himself, especially to prospective in laws? Financially secure, respectable family background, pleasant and courteous, no visible skeletons in the closet. And if he enters the dating market? Professionally successful, funny (preferably witty as well), well groomed, respectable interests, just a hint of a past. And so it becomes a long series of interactions where one can "tick the relevant box" to assess another person or "draw up a balance sheet of assets and liabilities" to assess oneself.
Its all about having the "right" appearance for whatever group you want to belong to or whatever type you want to be associated with. What you actually are is immaterial. This may sound unnecessarily dramatic, but is a highly believable point when you think about how people describe or even view their friends nowdays - "smart, funny, cute, adventurous, attractive, cool....and (most importantly) FUN" there's quite a list of adjectives up for usage. What are usually under used are adjectives of another kind - "intelligent, sensitive, strong of character, determined, kind, courageous, loving...." etc etc. I could give in to my romantic notions and argue that years/generations/decades ago, these qualities made much more of a difference than they do today, but that would be foolish. Its human nature to have fast-food companions and that's true today as much as much it was yesterday. As I said earlier, only the nature of what constitutes good fast food differs. In a Jane Austen world, it was about making good conversation on a dinner table; in a Britney Spears environment, it's about wearing the right brand of jeans and being knowing how to be calculatedly casually cool.
What toll does it take? Whether one be a celebrity or a "normal" person, the pressure and tension this exerts on you is tremendous. At least up to a while. What's even more fatal (and I use the word carefully) is how this becomes second nature to us.
Fatal or not, does an individual have any choice in this matter? One can argue that there is always a choice; but its unarguably a difficult one in cases like career, romance and marriage, where the exercise of a choice different than normal can virtually mean giving up on your dreams or at the very least, cause conflict more significant than one would even like to address.
I dont know whether I have really made a choice in this matter at all. Or rather, its a question of the multiple choices I have made. In my work life, I have more or less learnt to keep my real self under the hood and use projection effectively. In my personal life, however, I have consciously steered clear of subscribing to stereotypes, ignored precedence and done what I wanted to do. I have righteously refused to objectify myself in the markets of the flesh, or the heart, or other worldly matters. And remained steadfastly "independent". Thereby constructing a series of life events that puzzle and contradict all but a rare few who think, if not speak, the same language. Sometimes I even deliberately use the surface to amuse myself, laughing within as I say something deliberately contradictory to the image I may have carefully constructed and watch the other knit the brows in puzzlement, sometimes good humored, often just irritated.
But the laugh is harsh. And it mocks my moral self as much as anyone else. For who can truly reach the motives that drive onself? As to the fatality of one's choice, it's anybody's guess.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
wake up
Towards the beginning of 2004, L told me to wake up. I reacted with raised eyebrows and fumbling words. In the next few weeks, V's behavior and sundry events at work/home brought with them a level of turmoil and depression I had kept at bay for maybe too long a time.
Deja vu. Towards the beginning of 2006, L told me to wake up. I reacted with raised eyebrows and fumbling words. In the next few weeks, K's meeting, the Leadership Survey and sundry events at work/home brought with them a level of turmoil and depression that I hadn't seen for quite some time.
Whether coincidence or self fulfilling prophecy, I dont know. What I do know is that it's practically impossible to negate your basic, true self. You can control the projection and the implications of being what you are, to protect against the vulnerability of being naked. You can move elements around to construct a labyrinthe of red herrings and dead ends, so that even you forget where the core lies. You can wrap yourself up in so many layers that only the most determined and compassionate get through.
But you cant disturb the core.
Deja vu. Towards the beginning of 2006, L told me to wake up. I reacted with raised eyebrows and fumbling words. In the next few weeks, K's meeting, the Leadership Survey and sundry events at work/home brought with them a level of turmoil and depression that I hadn't seen for quite some time.
Whether coincidence or self fulfilling prophecy, I dont know. What I do know is that it's practically impossible to negate your basic, true self. You can control the projection and the implications of being what you are, to protect against the vulnerability of being naked. You can move elements around to construct a labyrinthe of red herrings and dead ends, so that even you forget where the core lies. You can wrap yourself up in so many layers that only the most determined and compassionate get through.
But you cant disturb the core.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Locked up. Screwed up.
I sip the hot tea; the sugar and caffeine merge and allow me to open this page and try and articulate the sinking feeling that I have been living with since I woke up today (or was it since the Sunday encounter with R?)
But how does one articulate what one refuses to acknowledge? What thoughts contribute to the knot in the stomach? What emotions cause sudden tears to emerge? What is this platter of feelings that I keep locked away in a vault, the route to which I have caused myself to forget? And once in a while, when my heart refuses to listen to the cautionings of the mind, I stumble upon them and look upon them a bit in wonder, because I had nearly forgotten they existed. And, without warning, they have taken over. I clutch at the pillow and the steering wheel and I know that I am in the grip of something so intrinsic that it has ceased to be recognizable. And I know its a downhill ride from here, there's no one around to hold me, to clutch me hard as I tumble down, it's all up to me and me alone, as it usually is, and I swiftly try to close the vault and put the mask back on, my hand shakes once and the mask falls, and then i pick it up again more firmly this time, and put it back on.
And now it's settling back into my face. The vault is closed but I can still feel the dread it evokes. I wonder how long it will take before the mask hardens and the smell disappears.
But how does one articulate what one refuses to acknowledge? What thoughts contribute to the knot in the stomach? What emotions cause sudden tears to emerge? What is this platter of feelings that I keep locked away in a vault, the route to which I have caused myself to forget? And once in a while, when my heart refuses to listen to the cautionings of the mind, I stumble upon them and look upon them a bit in wonder, because I had nearly forgotten they existed. And, without warning, they have taken over. I clutch at the pillow and the steering wheel and I know that I am in the grip of something so intrinsic that it has ceased to be recognizable. And I know its a downhill ride from here, there's no one around to hold me, to clutch me hard as I tumble down, it's all up to me and me alone, as it usually is, and I swiftly try to close the vault and put the mask back on, my hand shakes once and the mask falls, and then i pick it up again more firmly this time, and put it back on.
And now it's settling back into my face. The vault is closed but I can still feel the dread it evokes. I wonder how long it will take before the mask hardens and the smell disappears.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Haze and Sky
In the middle of the chaotic afternoon, I take out these few moments to pause. and blog.
But while its been quite some time since I blogged last (three weeks?), I am unable to really pin down anything to write here. Yet so much seems to have happened. So much that had significance at that moment...and now appears a bit inconsequential. And in some cases, even silly.
I know that I busted my BP for a lot of things - inefficiencies by (supposedly) intelligent team members....bitchiness by (supposedly) close ones...secretive behavior by (supposedly) friends...coldness of (supposedly) developing companions...
I know that I laughed a lot. Esp when I bitched.
I know that I felt emotional. Esp when Sau looked at me and said "aisi bhi kya naraazgi?"
I know that I enjoyed myself. Esp when I danced to "disco deewane" after ages. And esp when I covered Blr to Chn in four hours.
I know that I blushed. When I got compliments, at work and at play.
I know that I missed some people. I know that I broke someone's heart. And I know that my heart was a little broken too.
But yet, it's all like a haze now. I just feel a little tired, a little wistful...in fact, pretty much like an old man sitting on the porch in the twilight, of the day and of his life!
But I know that's not true, it's just momentary. Tonight (or maybe tomorrow) the blood shall flow a little stronger, the spirits will rise again. The smile will be back in the eyes as well. And a spring in the step (or "josh in the jog" as radio city says). And the cycle will start again.
In the meanwhile, "a fountain empties itself into the grass" (Sometimes it Happens, by Brian Patten)
But while its been quite some time since I blogged last (three weeks?), I am unable to really pin down anything to write here. Yet so much seems to have happened. So much that had significance at that moment...and now appears a bit inconsequential. And in some cases, even silly.
I know that I busted my BP for a lot of things - inefficiencies by (supposedly) intelligent team members....bitchiness by (supposedly) close ones...secretive behavior by (supposedly) friends...coldness of (supposedly) developing companions...
I know that I laughed a lot. Esp when I bitched.
I know that I felt emotional. Esp when Sau looked at me and said "aisi bhi kya naraazgi?"
I know that I enjoyed myself. Esp when I danced to "disco deewane" after ages. And esp when I covered Blr to Chn in four hours.
I know that I blushed. When I got compliments, at work and at play.
I know that I missed some people. I know that I broke someone's heart. And I know that my heart was a little broken too.
But yet, it's all like a haze now. I just feel a little tired, a little wistful...in fact, pretty much like an old man sitting on the porch in the twilight, of the day and of his life!
But I know that's not true, it's just momentary. Tonight (or maybe tomorrow) the blood shall flow a little stronger, the spirits will rise again. The smile will be back in the eyes as well. And a spring in the step (or "josh in the jog" as radio city says). And the cycle will start again.
In the meanwhile, "a fountain empties itself into the grass" (Sometimes it Happens, by Brian Patten)
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Water inside
The silence of a Saturday night shuts out the distractions and sharpens the hearing. There are ideas splashing under the surface...the flickers of a story waiting to come to light...the breathing of the words hiding behind the doors. Yet there they remain. And languish.
Like they have been doing for so long. For a decade, in fact. I cannot even pretend that they escape my grasp. For I don't seem to even make an effort at grasping them. Why I don't, I am not sure. Maybe it's difficult to sense their presence amongst all the noise that surrounds my life. Or maybe the flow got diverted when relationships took centrestage. Or maybe the comfortable tools got rusty and changed beyond recognition thanks to the conveniences of microsoft.
So what do I need to do? Find spaces of silence? Or retreat from the involvements? Or simply buy a nice diary and pen?
I doubt if the answer's coming soon or so easily. But I hope it does.
Like they have been doing for so long. For a decade, in fact. I cannot even pretend that they escape my grasp. For I don't seem to even make an effort at grasping them. Why I don't, I am not sure. Maybe it's difficult to sense their presence amongst all the noise that surrounds my life. Or maybe the flow got diverted when relationships took centrestage. Or maybe the comfortable tools got rusty and changed beyond recognition thanks to the conveniences of microsoft.
So what do I need to do? Find spaces of silence? Or retreat from the involvements? Or simply buy a nice diary and pen?
I doubt if the answer's coming soon or so easily. But I hope it does.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
How are you
Who really means these words when they say it? Who really wants to know how you are?
Does he want to know that I am thinking about future career options? that I am feeling sick of modular furniture and power points? that I am feeling happy at having listened to my favorite song on radio? that I am contemplating whether to buy more light-white curtains from fabindia or save some money for car accessories? that as soon as I have free time, all sorts of thoughts enter my head and plague me? that I am thinking of the painful deaths I have witnessed in the past decade and the horror that accompanied each of them? that I would like to talk about what is more attractive - humor/intelligence or character?
It takes courage to genuinely ask a person "how are you" and wait to get the real answer. (normally one would use the word sensitivity, but I disagree. I think sensitivity is too passive. This requires being able to get out of your own world, put it aside and look into someone else's and understand it, absorb it with all its deficiences, accept and appreciate it. In other words, courage)
Cheers to the courageous people I know - Mum, L, U, Viv.
Does he want to know that I am thinking about future career options? that I am feeling sick of modular furniture and power points? that I am feeling happy at having listened to my favorite song on radio? that I am contemplating whether to buy more light-white curtains from fabindia or save some money for car accessories? that as soon as I have free time, all sorts of thoughts enter my head and plague me? that I am thinking of the painful deaths I have witnessed in the past decade and the horror that accompanied each of them? that I would like to talk about what is more attractive - humor/intelligence or character?
It takes courage to genuinely ask a person "how are you" and wait to get the real answer. (normally one would use the word sensitivity, but I disagree. I think sensitivity is too passive. This requires being able to get out of your own world, put it aside and look into someone else's and understand it, absorb it with all its deficiences, accept and appreciate it. In other words, courage)
Cheers to the courageous people I know - Mum, L, U, Viv.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
playing games with oneself
Do we really know what we want? Or rather, do we have the courage to accept what we want? Even the ones who confidently demand what they want, do they just project the confidence or do they feel it? Or is the show of confidence because of the lack of it?
Is what we want a reflection of our desire? Or is it a reflection of what we want to be? And is that why is we never seem to get what we want? Because our wants and desires diverge? And man, being the rational animal he is, is secretly rooting for his desires?
Is what we want a reflection of our desire? Or is it a reflection of what we want to be? And is that why is we never seem to get what we want? Because our wants and desires diverge? And man, being the rational animal he is, is secretly rooting for his desires?
Monday, February 20, 2006
Look behind, look ahead
I remember commenting to someone recently that I spend most of my time either looking behind or looking ahead. Even the demons that haunt us are relics of the past or fears into the future.
On my weekend trip to Chennai (side note - one of the most "fun" weekends I have had), I was again struck by an idea when going through Dakshin Chitra. And then struck by another thought - I am struck by an idea practically every second day nowdays! Is my subconscious trying to send me a message here??!! Well, it is true that I am getting tired of this kind of environment...I still love my work, but this large building-modular furniture-crisp language-excel sheet-power point life is getting to me. Have been tossing around ideas in my head for quite some time, but the thought of translating them into action is coming into serious play now. But that requires a lot of work - planning and prep for the idea itself combined with building financial security (which as of now is ZERO). More importantly, it demands a slight recklessness of the spirit and a push out of the current state of inertia. I think thats going to come soon (it has to come, it cant be "developed" much as my HR mind would like to believe so..)
Today I came across an old diary that I occasionally maintained. Despite knowing the consequences, I couldn't resist re-reading the sprawling scrawl that marked my transition to adulthood. There was anguish over the pain of loved ones, and a humorous look at my own; a need to dissect relationships and the desire to ignore practical worries; flights of fancy followed by ground reality checks; consistent obsession with people and the true nature of emotions and a disregard for the fashionable conversation points of the day.
I went through the expected routine of ripping up old wounds and examining reality as I understood it then and now. And I arrived at the cliche that always supports me in ambiguous times - the more things change, the more they remain the same.
On my weekend trip to Chennai (side note - one of the most "fun" weekends I have had), I was again struck by an idea when going through Dakshin Chitra. And then struck by another thought - I am struck by an idea practically every second day nowdays! Is my subconscious trying to send me a message here??!! Well, it is true that I am getting tired of this kind of environment...I still love my work, but this large building-modular furniture-crisp language-excel sheet-power point life is getting to me. Have been tossing around ideas in my head for quite some time, but the thought of translating them into action is coming into serious play now. But that requires a lot of work - planning and prep for the idea itself combined with building financial security (which as of now is ZERO). More importantly, it demands a slight recklessness of the spirit and a push out of the current state of inertia. I think thats going to come soon (it has to come, it cant be "developed" much as my HR mind would like to believe so..)
Today I came across an old diary that I occasionally maintained. Despite knowing the consequences, I couldn't resist re-reading the sprawling scrawl that marked my transition to adulthood. There was anguish over the pain of loved ones, and a humorous look at my own; a need to dissect relationships and the desire to ignore practical worries; flights of fancy followed by ground reality checks; consistent obsession with people and the true nature of emotions and a disregard for the fashionable conversation points of the day.
I went through the expected routine of ripping up old wounds and examining reality as I understood it then and now. And I arrived at the cliche that always supports me in ambiguous times - the more things change, the more they remain the same.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Recoveries and Relapses
For all my resolve to maintain an even equilibrium and focus this year, I have been doing a pretty decent imitation of an emotional yo yo for the past month or so.
Considering that I do not have the time or the inclination for self indulgence to describe the preceding weeks in detail, I will let my office-like "summary" instincts take over...
> A spate of bad news from people I am close to rocked the hell out of me...ranging from divorce (after a month of marriage...), to death/illness of loved ones, to accidents, to losing one's job. I will resist the temptation to invoke Kafka but a nightmarish scenario it certainly was, not without its share of black humor as I caricaturised myself in the hapless avatar of a jinx who turns to dust all the lives he touches.
> Continuing the breathless pace was my Delhi trip which turned out to be one long shopping-dining-drinking-driving trip. Naturally that translated into a significant dent (or one can call use the term cleaning out) in my wallet but at the end of the day, it was worth it (as spending money usually is). I am glad I was able to provide the kids with a genuinely good time, the first they had had after September...also glad I was able to spend some time with Shk n Shal beyond the standard 2 hrs assigned for a lunch/dinner. With Shal esp, I think our relationship moved a little forward after having been in a cold freeze for years. Regretted are the less than adequate time spent with Nan, and the inability to meet up with Dom...I wonder why he withdrew to such a great extent.
> Also keeping me on my toes have been the "online friends" I have accumulated. Status check:
* Vik - met, not-so-great chemistry, settled into occasional chatting, combo of fun n serious
* Kit - met, had already become good friend so no hiccups, settled into regular conversations, growing
* A - constant sms touch (approx. 1500 sms over a week I think), good chemistry so far, highly unpredictable future esp considering age diff
* Amit (Sun) - met, decent meeting yet something was not right, a conflict of my charitable instincts and harsher moral fabric. Should not and will not move fwd unless something drastic happens (connected is also my changing thoughts on M in relation to this....)
* Lord - THE most intriguing of the lot and the most slippery to catch (one is probably a function of the other) and hence here the future is totally out of my hands. This lack of control is a pleasant change and irritating at the same time.
What I have realised is that this has been a good experiment and provided me with yet another facet of relationships that I hadnt explored (for example, the fact that all of the above are gay is an interesting comment by itself). However, the reason I have met 3 of the five and want to meet the other two as well is because I have realised something important about myself - I am not as laissez faire and compartmentalized about relationships as I had thought I had become. Online relationships can never be an end by themselves for me.
So this is me. From 15 Jan to 12 Feb. Summarised neatly, packaged, trimmed, edited and presented. The recoveries and relapses can be read in the fine print.
Considering that I do not have the time or the inclination for self indulgence to describe the preceding weeks in detail, I will let my office-like "summary" instincts take over...
> A spate of bad news from people I am close to rocked the hell out of me...ranging from divorce (after a month of marriage...), to death/illness of loved ones, to accidents, to losing one's job. I will resist the temptation to invoke Kafka but a nightmarish scenario it certainly was, not without its share of black humor as I caricaturised myself in the hapless avatar of a jinx who turns to dust all the lives he touches.
> Continuing the breathless pace was my Delhi trip which turned out to be one long shopping-dining-drinking-driving trip. Naturally that translated into a significant dent (or one can call use the term cleaning out) in my wallet but at the end of the day, it was worth it (as spending money usually is). I am glad I was able to provide the kids with a genuinely good time, the first they had had after September...also glad I was able to spend some time with Shk n Shal beyond the standard 2 hrs assigned for a lunch/dinner. With Shal esp, I think our relationship moved a little forward after having been in a cold freeze for years. Regretted are the less than adequate time spent with Nan, and the inability to meet up with Dom...I wonder why he withdrew to such a great extent.
> Also keeping me on my toes have been the "online friends" I have accumulated. Status check:
* Vik - met, not-so-great chemistry, settled into occasional chatting, combo of fun n serious
* Kit - met, had already become good friend so no hiccups, settled into regular conversations, growing
* A - constant sms touch (approx. 1500 sms over a week I think), good chemistry so far, highly unpredictable future esp considering age diff
* Amit (Sun) - met, decent meeting yet something was not right, a conflict of my charitable instincts and harsher moral fabric. Should not and will not move fwd unless something drastic happens (connected is also my changing thoughts on M in relation to this....)
* Lord - THE most intriguing of the lot and the most slippery to catch (one is probably a function of the other) and hence here the future is totally out of my hands. This lack of control is a pleasant change and irritating at the same time.
What I have realised is that this has been a good experiment and provided me with yet another facet of relationships that I hadnt explored (for example, the fact that all of the above are gay is an interesting comment by itself). However, the reason I have met 3 of the five and want to meet the other two as well is because I have realised something important about myself - I am not as laissez faire and compartmentalized about relationships as I had thought I had become. Online relationships can never be an end by themselves for me.
So this is me. From 15 Jan to 12 Feb. Summarised neatly, packaged, trimmed, edited and presented. The recoveries and relapses can be read in the fine print.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)